


fam (the group chat)

by mysticpendragon



Series: the fam group chat universe [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Actual plot, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gen, Group Chat Fic, Innuendo, M/M, Pure Crack, Sex Jokes, Social Media, Spoilers for S12, THERE WILL BE OCS, all of them - Freeform, and has some plot, another gc fic, because the world needs more of them, but nothing explicit, idk what this is but it's a really fun writing exercise, no beta we die like time lords, rather ooc but this is for fun so., self-referential, she is returning, some text some prose, some twitter, some twitter stuff, space gays unite, starts off as crack but gradually becomes more plotbased, the master is a lil shit, this fic is a dumping ground for my hyperfixations i am not sorry x, this fic is chaotic af, timey wimey shenanigans, what is characterisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 63,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22539808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticpendragon/pseuds/mysticpendragon
Summary: GrahamOBrien: What on Earth was that, Doc?Doctor13: It’s a new group chat for all of us!YazKhan: no we know what a group chat isYazKhan: we’re talking about those emoticonsDoctor13: Oh ^^ these old things? :D :) :>D I researched Earth lingo :) >:D :o :3 and this popped up ;) :0 |:/RyanSinclair: that was actually very painful to readGrahamOBrien: Dear God, I hope she doesn’t discover emojis.When the Doctor creates a group chat for her fam to communicate after encountering the Judoon and Jack Harkness, faces from the Doctor's past begin showing up one by one. As her current fam find themselves befriending the Doctor's old friends, they find themselves pulled together through the seams of time by a mysterious force who can't help but insist that someone is returning. With the entire multiverse at stake, the Doctor and their friends will have to band together to stop their old enemies – taking them to new levels they never event dreamt of.Based on series 12.
Relationships: Ashildr | Lady Me/Clara Oswin Oswald, Heather (Doctor Who: The Pilot)/Bill Potts, Past Clara Oswald/Danny Pink, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: the fam group chat universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622644
Comments: 136
Kudos: 351





	1. in which nobody knows what's going on, including the author

**Author's Note:**

> hsidfhdsjkalskdjf enjoy
> 
> This fic was started after s12e05 (Fugitive of the Judoon) and incorporates elements from early speculation of series 12 plot points before completely diverging and introducing new Doctors, companions, and Masters. It's a pretty even mix of crack and plot, with recurring jokes and plot points sprinkled throughout. I swear it's not as serious as it sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hsidfhdsjkalskdjf enjoy
> 
> This fic was started after s12e05 (Fugitive of the Judoon) and incorporates elements from early speculation of series 12 plot points before completely diverging and introducing new Doctors, companions, and Masters. It's a pretty even mix of crack and plot, with recurring jokes and plot points sprinkled throughout. I swear it's not as serious as it sounds.

_**< Doctor13 created the chatroom: Fam>** _

_**< Doctor13 added YazKhan and 2 others>** _

**Doctor13:** Hi fam! :D :) :>D

 **YazKhan:** what

 **GrahamOBrien:** What

 **RyanSinclair:** ??? i’m? confusion??

 **GrahamOBrien:** What on Earth was that, Doc?

 **Doctor13:** It’s a new group chat for all of us!

 **YazKhan:** no we know what a group chat is

 **YazKhan:** we’re talking about those emoticons

 **Doctor13:** Oh ^^ these old things? :D :) :>D I researched Earth lingo :) >:D :o :3 and this popped up ;) :0 |:/

 **RyanSinclair:** that was actually very painful to read

 **GrahamOBrien:** Dear God, I hope she doesn’t discover emojis.

 **Doctor13:** what are those??

 **Doctor13:** i think i might’ve heard about them in a past face, but i might need a refresher!

 **YazKhan:** don’t worry about it 

**RyanSinclair:** [🤫](https://emojipedia.org/shushing-face/)

 **RyanSinclair:** oh shit

 **Doctor13:** aww that little face is cute how do i get it

 **GrahamOBrien:** It’s just a little picture he sent.

 **YazKhan:** yeah

 **RyanSinclair:** pres dhfghdjks

 **YazKhan:** ah rip the dalek killed him before he could say any spoilers

 **Doctor13:** DALEK??? RIVER SONG?? WHAT WHERE

 **YazKhan:** DFGHFJD RELAX THERE’S NO DALEK

 **GrahamOBrien:** Who’s River Song?

 **Doctor13:** oh she’s my dead wife

 **YazKhan:** i’m sorry doctor

 **RyanSinclair:** I didn’t know you were married

 **Doctor13:** that’s quite ok

 **Doctor13:** shell probably show up later on. she always does

 **GrahamOBrien** : You just said she was dead, though.

 **Doctor13:** it’s a time traveller thing,,, you tend to run into other time travellers often

 **Doctor13:** like with jack that was kinda inevitable

 **GrahamOBrien:** That was… quite the interesting adventure.

 **YazKhan:** so when you say ‘old friend’, do you mean like. the master

 **Doctor13:** it’s complicated

 **Doctor13:** he’s an old friend, but not like the master

 **RyanSinclair:** i wonder if we’ll meet him again someday

 **Doctor13:** me too

 **Doctor13:** bet it’ll never happen though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	2. there's no scronch emoticon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor13: >(:0
> 
> RyanSinclair: i cant even try to comprehend that last one
> 
> Doctor13: there’s no scronch emoticon

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** hi fam how about a nice alien planet??

 **YazKhan:** the last time you said that we ended up being chased by weeping angels

 **Doctor13:** i promise it’ll be fun and definitely safe!!

 **GrahamOBrien:** Travelling with you is fun but it's everything but ‘definitely safe’

 **Doctor13:** :(

 **Doctor13:** D;

 **Doctor13:** >(:0

 **RyanSinclair:** i cant even try to comprehend that last one

 **Doctor13:** there’s no scronch emoticon

 **YazKhan:** oh good she hasn’t found the emojis yet

 **GrahamOBrien:** Ryan don’t even think about it

 **RyanSinclair:** 😔

 **RyanSinclair:** i believe you were looking for this doc?

 **Doctor13:** yes! how do i get it!

 **RyanSinclair:** not telling you

 **Doctor13:** >:(

 **RyanSinclair:** your weird emoticons have no effect on me

 **Doctor13:** 😔

 **YazKhan:** what how

 **GrahamOBrien:** Don’t tell me she figured it out.

 **Doctor13:** i just copied and pasted it!

 **Doctor13:** 😔😔😔😔

 **Doctor13:** use your imaginations and pretend it’s smiling

 **RyanSinclair:** right sending that emoji was a mistake

 **Doctor13:** like me

 **YazKhan:** doctor no

_**< Unknown.Entity added RiverSong>** _

**RiverSong:** i heard someone insult the doctor who do i need to kill

 **Doctor13:** me

 **RiverSong:** been there done that

 **RiverSong:** ooh, new doctor. never met you before. will i be impressed?

 **Doctor13:** maybe

 **YazKhan:** oooooh it’s the doctor’s wifee

 **RiverSong:** how do they know who i am? never met them

 **Doctor13:** spoilers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	3. confusion has a name and it's river song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RyanSinclair: i know this is heavy and there’s a lot the doctor needs to explain to us and river, but i cant help but notice that she just casually used ‘yall’
> 
> YazKhan: cowgirl doctor confirmed
> 
> RiverSong: oh, she has some experience with the cowgirl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, there's a mention of Nazis in this chapter.

**Private Messages**

**RiverSong → Doctor13**

**RiverSong:** So, sweetie. Is everything okay?

**Doctor13:** you don’t need to worry about me

**Doctor13:** i’m very 😔

**Doctor13:** pretend it’s smiling, it’s the only emoji i can use

**RiverSong:** Don’t lie to me, sweetie. I can always tell if my husband is upset.

**Doctor13:** wife actually

**RiverSong:** asdfvjhcnxs sdf

**Doctor13:** WOSIDFH wow did i make the great river song MALFUNCTION??

**RiverSong:** shut up i hate you

**Doctor13:** no you don’t

**RiverSong:** no i don’t

**RiverSong:** now let me teach you how to use emojis. i’m dying for some good chaos 😈

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** GUYS 😊😁 river taught me how to use emojis 👰👯😅 the world makes so much more sense now 😛😎😏

**YazKhan:** ok two things

**YazKhan:** @RiverSong WHY

**YazKhan:** number two, doctor do you even know what that last one means

**Doctor13:** happiness!

**RyanSinclair:** eye-

**GrahamOBrien:** Dear God

**RiverSong:** @YazKhan because i’m chaotic

**RiverSong:** not as chaotic as missy though. dear lord that woman is a whole new level altogether

**GrahamOBrien:** Who’s Missy?

**Doctor13:** the master

**YazKhan:** yeah you might want to explain that

**RyanSinclair:** i thought the master was a secret spy

**Doctor13:** well yeah but also missy

**Doctor13:** i’ll tell you when you’re older 

**GrahamOBrien:** Doctor I am old

**Doctor13:** i’m about 4.5 billion years old but go off ig

**RiverSong:** You didn’t tell me that sweetie

**Doctor13:** well after clara died, i spent 4.5 billion years in a confession dial (long story, tell yall later)

**RiverSong:** oh dear

**RyanSinclair:** i know this is heavy and there’s a lot the doctor needs to explain to us and river, but i cant help but notice that she just casually used ‘yall’

**YazKhan:** cowgirl doctor confirmed

**RiverSong:** oh, she has some experience with the cowgirl

**RiverSong:** out there on the wilderness otherwise known as the bedroom

**YazKhan:** graham just spilled tea all over himself

**GrahamOBrien:** I didn’t need that image in my head. Ever.

**RiverSong:** there’s more where that came from, sweetie

**RyanSinclair:** so uhh @RiverSong how did you and the doctor meet

**RiverSong:** oh, he met me when i died. but i met him when i was a baby and he rescued me from the psycho church that abducted me.

**RiverSong:** well technically after i regenerated into this body, right after being killed in nazi germany by the führer himself!

**YazKhan:** what

**RyanSinclair:** that’s a lot to unpack and i don’t know where to start

**GrahamOBrien:** Sorry, you died?

**RiverSong:** oh yes, a long time ago in a library

**Doctor13:** wait how are you texting

**RiverSong:** i’m river song

**Doctor13:** fair enough

**RiverSong:** so how exactly do you all know me?

**GrahamOBrien:** The Doctor told us accidentally when we said ‘spoilers’.

**RiverSong:** of course she did

**Doctor13:** that sounded very passive aggressive

**YazKhan:** wait you regenerated?? what does that mean

**Doctor13:** remember how i said i was a white haired scotsman

**YazKhan:** yes

**Doctor13:** time lords have this little trick called regeneration. we can change our faces, our personalities, everything

**GrahamOBrien:** So River is a Time Lord?

**RiverSong:** it’s a very long and complicated story, but yes

**RyanSinclair:** anyone else finding this a bit too much

**YazKhan:** no, me too

**Doctor13:** well at least river isn’t up to no good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	4. who's captain of the innuendo squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YazKhan: why is the doctor staring at her phone and rocking back and forth
> 
> GrahamOBrien: she just keeps saying ‘jack harkness’ over and over again
> 
> RyanSinclair: @RiverSong you’re her wife is she ok

**Private Messages**

**RiverSong → Doctor13**

**RiverSong:** out of curiosity sweetie what do you look like

**Doctor13:** spoilers

**Private Messages**

**RiverSong → YazKhan**

**RiverSong:** out of curiosity what does the doctor look like

**YazKhan sent** **an attachment:** TheDoctor.jpg

**Space Gays™**

**HelloBenjamin:** order, order! it is time for a special meeting

**ImmortalAndGay:** I am here and queer

**SpaceBicon:** present

**ImABillever:** ooh a special meeting

**HelloBenjamin:** ah good you’re all here.

**SpaceBicon:** What is it?

**HelloBenjamin:** this just in, a picture of the new doctor

**HelloBenjamin sent an attachment:** TheDoctor.jpg

**SpaceBicon:** holy shit

**ImABillever:** wait but the doctor is a grumpy old scotsman not this blonde babe

**ImABillever:** did he change faces?

**HelloBenjamin:** yes

**ImABillever:** i’m digging it

**ImABillever:** wAIT HOLD ON

**ImABillever:** I MISSED HER. I HAD THE INCARNATION RIGHT BEFORE HER

**SpaceBicon:** rip

**SpaceBicon:** he was good looking though

**ImABillever:** are you implying that the doctor was your sugar daddy

**SpaceBicon:** NO

**HelloBenajmin:** nothing wrong with that sweetie

**SpaceBicon:** from a purely objective standpoint!!! i was more into his eleventh incarnation

**HelloBenjamin:** ah yes, the banana was strong in that one

**ImABillever:** oh my god

**ImmortalAndGay:** the doctor, looking good as usual

**ImmortalAndGay:** i see your eleventh doctor and raise you the ninth. the banana was strong in that one ;)

**SpaceBicon:** can’t spell “captain jack harkness” without “innuendo”

**ImABillever:** but… but… there’s no ‘innuendo’ in ‘captain jack harkness’

**HelloBenjamin:** his middle name is innuendo

**ImABillever:** no way

**ImmortalAndGay:** ;)

**SpaceBicon:** just for future reference you’ve all ruined bananas for me

**ImmortalAndGay:** you can’t deny that bananas are good though

**ImABillever:** i can

**HelloBenjamin:** oh, just so you all know, the doctor is on this messaging platform ;)

**ImmortalAndGay:** i like where this is heading

**HelloBenjamin sent a contact: @Doctor13**

**Private Messages**

**CaptainJack → Doctor13**

**CaptainJack:** hello ;)

**Doctor13:** how did you get this contact??

**CaptainJack:** spoilers

**PrivateMessages**

**Doctor13 → RiverSong**

**Doctor13:** river what have you done

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** why is the doctor staring at her phone and rocking back and forth

**GrahamOBrien:** she just keeps saying ‘jack harkness’ over and over again

**RyanSinclair:** @RiverSong you’re her wife is she ok

**GrahamOBrien:** I’m sure she’s ok, just overwhelmed.

**YazKhan:** mood

**Doctor13:** i’m okay fam, just wondering how well jack and river know each other

**Doctor13 sent an attachment:** PMWithJack.png

**YazKhan:** all he said was hello

**RyanSinclair:** with a winky emoji??

**Doctor13:** he said spoilers, that’s river’s phrase

**GrahamOBrien:** Has anyone noticed that River’s online and hasn’t said a single word?

**Space Gays™**

**SpaceBicon:** i just realised

**SpaceBicon:** a whole world of doctor innuendos and you went for bananas??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	5. in space everyone is gay and horny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SpaceBicon: loving the sexual tension and all but can we get back to jack not appreciating my company??
> 
> ImmortalAndGay: clara by the time you’d finished the first cyberwhiskey you were talking about your fantasy involving three doctors
> 
> ImmortalAndGay: which is tbh not that uncommon. i had one too!

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** @RiverSong

 **Doctor13:** @RiverSong

 **Doctor13:** @RiverSong

 **RiverSong:** yes, sweetie?

 **Doctor13:** How did Jack get my contact

 **RiverSong:** spoilers

 **Doctor13:** yes that’s what he said!

 **RiverSong:** i haven’t the faintest idea

 **Doctor13:** liar

 **RiverSong:** rule one, doctor

 **YazKhan:** rule one?

 **GrahamOBrien:** The Doctor has rules?

 **Doctor13:** well yeah who doesn’t

 **RiverSong:** missy

 **RyanSinclair:** right now i really want to meet this missy person

 **Doctor13:** maybe someday who knows

 **YazKhan:** personally i don’t ever want to meet any version of the master

 **RiverSong:** @Doctor13 you’ll have to wait until jack comes back if you want answers

 **RyanSinclair:** why is she avoiding jack anyway

 **Doctor13:** i’m not avoiding him!!! i’m just. a bit overwhelmed

**Space Gays™**

**ImmortalAndGay:** @ImABillever pub nights aren’t as fun w/o you

 **SpaceBicon:** i take personal offence to that captain

 **ImmortalAndGay:** you’re just upset i was able to drink you under the table

 **SpaceBicon:** HOW THE FUCK DID YOU NOT GET DRUNK AFTER 5 CYBERWHISKEYS

 **ImABillever:** first of all i was busy being gay and stopping crime

 **ImABillever:** second of all how the actual fuck??

 **SpaceBicon:** exactly??

 **ImABillever:** one of those is already enough to intoxicate a cyberman!!

 **ImmortalAndGay:** what can i say? you get used to cyberpubs after a while

 **ImmortalAndGay:** @HelloBenjamin am i right or am i right

 **HelloBenjamin:** you’re right

 **HelloBenjamin:** but 5 is for time tots. real men can handle 10!

 **SpaceBicon:** ouch

 **ImABillever:** jack’s pride has been wounded

 **ImmortalAndGay:** why are we even friends

 **HelloBenjamin:** beats me sweetie

 **SpaceBicon:** loving the sexual tension and all but can we get back to jack not appreciating my company??

 **ImmortalAndGay:** clara by the time you’d finished the first cyberwhiskey you were talking about your fantasy involving three doctors

 **ImmortalAndGay:** which is tbh not that uncommon. i had one too!

 **ImABillever:** tmi

 **HelloBenjamin:** just wait til you hear about spokania

 **ImmortalGay:** whoa whoa whoa what’s spokania??

 **HelloBenjamin:** spoilers

 **ImABillever:** something tells me it was a big bang

 **SpaceBicon:** hold on, i think one of the doctors told me about it

 **SpaceBicon:** it was… an interesting conversation

 **ImmortalAndGay:** WHAT IS SPOKANIA

 **HelloBenjamin:** ;)

**Private Messages**

**CaptainJack → Doctor13**

**CaptainJack:** what happened in spokania?

 **Doctor13:** whdfijsnbdf v how did you find out about that??

 **CaptainJack:** spoilers

 **Doctor13:** oh you can drop the act, i know you and river are friends

 **CaptainJack:** that obvious huh

 **CaptainJack:** no really. what is spokania

 **Doctor13:** all i’m going to say is that you were there. will be there? idk

 **CaptainJack:** glad to know i have something to look forward to

 **CaptainJack:** ooh and do say hi to your new companions for me!

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** asdlfkjvc jack harkness says hi

 **RyanSinclair:** hi winky face or. normal hi

 **Doctor13:** ...you know what i don’t even know

 **Doctor13:** also @RiverSong you tOLD HIM ABOUT SPOKANIA??

 **YazKhan:** whoa what’s spokania?

 **RiverSong:** spoilers, sweetie

 **RiverSong:** and of course i did! we were having a lovely conversation about our fantasies about you

 **RiverSong:** nothing of interest to you, of course

 **Doctor13:** wait. we??

 **RiverSong:** yes, i have a little group chat with some marvellous friends. the face of boe, an immortal dalek that just won’t die, and the gayest cyberman in all of time and space!

 **Doctor13:** … i’ve learned to not question your choice of associates

 **Doctor13:** WAIT HOLD UP ARE THEY WHO I THINK THEY ARE

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**MurderPoppins:** it seems that everything is coming together!

 **BDSpyM:** what

 **ActualPsycho:** hast the doctor foundeth hier olde friendeths

 **SexySaxon:** How many times do I have to tell you to use normal English?

 **ActualPsycho:** eye willeth once thou stop speakingeth like a 60-year-olde sugar granddaddy

 **MurderPoppins:** but dearie he IS a 60 year old sugar daddy

 **MurderPoppins:** have you seen that goatee

 **SexySaxon:** Oi, don’t diss the goatee!

 **BDSpyM:** so when you say that everything is coming together, do you mean. our chaotic plan

 **MurderPoppins:** i mean duh

 **BDSpyM:** HSDFV HAHAHAHA THIS WILL BE GREAT

 **BDSpyM:** shit i’m still in this weird tentacle hentai realm how am i going to enjoy the chaos if i’m stuck here

 **ActualPsycho:** enjoyeth the chaos with your tentacle daddy

 **SexySaxon:** Am I the only sane person here?

 **MurderPoppins:** darling given who we are you’re hardly sane

 **SexySaxon:** Fair enough.

 **BDSpyM:** you’re all no help

 **ActualPsycho:** of courseth, dearie. after all there’s no such thingeth as a helpful master

 **BDSpyM:** fuck you

 **ActualPsycho:** in your dreameths

 **MurderPoppins:** you have a hand for a reason!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	6. let's get drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ImmortalAndGay: you didn’t think humans were the only ones getting drunk and having a good time did you??
> 
> ImABillever: don’t worry you get used to going to dalek bars
> 
> SpaceBicon: wait but shes not immortal
> 
> SpaceBicon: you’re not immortal are you
> 
> OfficerBi: uhh no i’m a normal human being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im neglecting my responsibilities to write this,,,

**Fam**

**_< Unknown.Entity added CaptainJack>_ **

**Doctor13:** whoa whoa what

 **CaptainJack:** hello ;)

 **CaptainJack:** what is this

 **YazKhan:** it’s our fam group chat and river

 **RiverSong:** excuse me ‘and river’??

 **CaptainJack:** nice 😏

 **Doctor13:** see i knew i wasn’t the only one who used that happiness emoji!!

 **Doctor13:** 😏😏😏

 **GrahamOBrien:** Is nobody going to question the ‘unknown.entity’?

 **RyanSinclair:** just relax and watch the chaos

 **CaptainJack:** and might i say, looking good doctor 😏😏😏

 **Doctor13:** aww thanks 😏

 **CaptainJack:** wait does she really think-

 **RiverSong:** yes

 **YazKhan:** it’s a problem but it’s funny

 **Doctor13:** i’m confused, why is everyone laughing

 **CaptainJack:** never change doctor

 **Doctor13:** kinda can’t help regenerating every time i die

 **Doctor13:** wait hold on how do you know what i look like??

 **RiverSong:** spoilers

 **YazKhan:** so that’s why you asked for that picture!!!

 **Doctor13:** traitor

 **YazKhan:** sorry?

 **RiverSong:** to be fair, it was for me

 **RiverSong:** i just decided to send it to the Space Gays™ chat

 **YazKhan:** whoaaa space gays?? count me in

 **CaptainJack:** ;)

 **CaptainJack:** don’t be too upset, doc. clara and bill liked it too

 **Doctor13:** yOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO CLARA AND BILL?

 **Doctor13:** i knew it!

 **RyanSinclair:** who are clara and bill?

 **Doctor13:** my old friends

 **GrahamOBrien:** Wait, I thought Clara was dead.

 **Doctor13:** well yeah but she also isn’t dead

 **RyanSinclair:** what

 **YazKhan:** so she’s dead…. but she’s not dead?

 **Doctor13:** yep

 **YazKhan:** is anything ever simple with you

 **RiverSong:** nope

 **CaptainJack:** nope

 **Doctor13:** touche

**Space Gays™**

**_< ImmortalAndGay added YazKhan_ ** **>**

**YazKhan:** whoaaaa hello fello space gays

 **ImABillever:** hi! i’m bill, resident space lesbian

 **SpaceBicon:** nice to meet you

 **SpaceBicon:** i’m clara, immortal bisexual queen

 **YazKhan:** wait clara? as in the dead not dead one?

 **SpaceBicon:** yep! did the doctor mention me?

 **YazKhan:** yeah

 **YazKhan:** i was confused

 **ImABillever** @YazKhan change your name on this gc coweurde

 **YazKhan:** i can do that?

 **ImmortalAndGay:** yeah

**_< YazKhan changed their nickname to OfficerBi>_ **

**ImmortalAndGay:** sexy

 **OfficerBi:** isdufghds it’s not a kink i’m a police officer

 **ImmortalAndGay:** still sexy

 **SpaceBicon:** ooh look we’re matching!!

 **OfficerBi:** ^^

 **ImABillever:** i approve

 **HelloBenjamin:** anyway welcome to our club yaz

 **SpaceBicon:** we have pub meetings around space and time every saturday night!

 **ImABillever:** you’re the doctor’s companion, right??

 **OfficerBi:** yep!

 **SpaceBicon:** if you can’t get the doctor to take you to our pub meetings, jack can always kidnap you!

 **OfficerBi:** that sounds really wrong

 **SpaceBicon:** yeah it sounded better in my head

 **ImmortalAndGay:** we need to get her started on the easy stuff. dalek rum, sontaran vodka, weeping angel tequila

 **HelloBenjamin:** judoon shots and zygon wine

 **OfficerBi:** whoaaa what?? dalek rum?? sontaran vodka??? bloody judoon shots?

 **ImmortalAndGay:** you didn’t think humans were the only ones getting drunk and having a good time did you??

 **ImABillever:** don’t worry you get used to going to dalek bars

 **SpaceBicon:** wait but shes not immortal

 **SpaceBicon:** you’re not immortal are you

 **OfficerBi:** uhh no i’m a normal human being

 **ImABillever:** we’ll have to be a bit more careful with the seedier places

 **OfficerBi:** oh its ok really

 **OfficerBi:** i dont want to be an inconvenience

 **SpaceBicon:** that’s good and all but you haven’t lived until you’ve had a good drink on skaro!! while being chased by several angry daleks

 **SpaceBicon:** but thats a story for another time

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**MurderPoppins:** we should meet up at a pub and get piss drunk on weeping angel tequila shots! let’s play a drinking game and see how many innocent people we can get sent back in time

 **BDSpyM:** that’s nice and all but aren’t you forgetting i’m TRAPPED IN THE TENTACLE HENTAI REALM

 **BDSpyM:** bloody doctor

 **MurderPoppins:** we’ll just exclude you i guess :/

 **SexySaxon:** I’m up for it if you are.

 **ActualPsycho:** i’m interested, but i’ll have to come disguised as our dear doctor’s wife :/

 **MurderPoppins:** why

 **ActualPsycho:** we’re soooo criminal that the time lords are back and chasing me!!! hahaha

 **BDSpyM:** username checks out

 **SexySaxon:** Fine, I guess.

 **SexySaxon:** Don’t tell me you’re a woman too.

 **ActualPsycho:** okay i won’t

 **SexySaxon:** Are you?

 **ActualPsycho:** you told me not to tell you

 **SexySaxon:** You know what, fuck you.

 **ActualPsycho:** that’s our life dream ;)

 **MurderPoppins:** boys, boys, stop fighting, you know i’m the sexiest

 **BDSpyM:** oh, please, i’m sexier. i got the doctor to kneel for me

 **SexySaxon:** Well I tied him up.

 **MurderPoppins:** and i was so sexy he decided to lock me up

 **ActualPsycho:** none of you have anything on me

 **ActualPsycho:** he married me

 **SexySaxon:** You sure you’re not River Song? Given none of us have met you.

 **ActualPsycho:** may i remind you i’m the regeneration after bdsm here?

 **BDSpyM:** oh really?

 **ActualPsycho:** yeah. we’re doing fun things like blowing up planets and having wild wild fun on spokania

 **MurderPoppins:** ooh spokania

 **SexySaxon:** No wonder the Time Lords are after us.

 **ActualPsycho:** anyways i’m the sexiest

 **MurderPoppins:** so… drinks?

 **SexySaxon:** Yeah sure

 **ActualPsycho:** as long as they’re on bdsm

 **BDSpyM:** oi i can’t pay for them i’m fucking hentai land

 **ActualPsycho:** oh well sucks to be you

**Space Gays™**

**HelloBenjamin:** i just got the current incarnation of the master to pay for drinks for the master, missy, and i

 **ImABillever:** why…. did you stay… on that groupchat

 **HelloBenjamin:** i’m river song

 **ImABillever:** fair enough

 **OfficerBi:** wait, you got O to pay for drinks?? and what group chat?

 **HelloBenjamin:** the masters’ group chat

 **HelloBenjamin:** and yeah it was quite easy

 **SpaceBicon:** you’re bonkers river

 **SpaceBicon:** 10 quid says missy vapourises someone after her first drink

 **ImmortalAndGay:** 20 says it’s after the second

 **ImABillever:** @OfficerBi every time river goes out for drinks with the master they bet on what will happen

 **OfficerBi:** uhh don’t know who the other masters are

 **OfficerBi:** but 30 quid says they make a masturbation joke

**ImABillever:**

**ImABillever:** i thought you would be DIFFERENT

 **HelloBenjamin:** any more bets??

 **HelloBenjamin:** going once going twice

 **HelloBenjamin:** sold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	7. balls, masters, and gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ActualPsycho: anywayyy any plans to kill the doctor?
> 
> BDSpyM: no but let’s take her balls
> 
> MasterBait: her what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter of today i swear. wow i was on a roll

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** hold up

**YazKhan:** @RiverSong if you’re dead then how can you be having drinks with the masters?

**Doctor13:** wot

**YazKhan:** long story

**RiverSong:** that’s how jack and i met actually

**RiverSong:** he rearranged my atoms with some snazzy tech and uploaded my consciousness and memories to my body

**RiverSong:** it’s a long and complicated story, and i believe it was right after spokania for him!

**YazKhan:** will anyone ever tell me what spokania is?

**Doctor13:** it’s best that you don’t know

**YazKhan:** o.O

**GrahamOBrien:** What’s so bad about Spokania?

**CaptainJack:** well thanks for the spoilers River

**RiverSong:** of course sweetie. it’s all very timey wimey

**Doctor13:** oh god, that phrase embarrasses me

**GrahamOBrien:** What? Timey wimey?

**RyanSinclair:** timey wimey, wimey timey

**CaptainJack:** timey wimey wibbly wobbly

**Doctor13:** oh stop it

**YazKhan:** i’ve just accepted that i will never understand anything

**Doctor13:** mood tbh

**Space Gays™**

**HelloBenjamin:** oh what a night!

**SpaceBicon:** what happened? who won the bet??

**HelloBenjamin:** well, the master, missy, and i tried to kill each other, and then they had some fun on the dance floor

**HelloBenjamin:** we should go to an ood bar next. i’d forgotten how good ood martinis are!

**ImmortalAndGay:** that’s nice and all but who won the bet

**HelloBenjamin:** oh yaz

**OfficerBi:** YESSSS

**SpaceBicon:** wait, did missy really not vapourise anyone??

**ImmortalAndGay:** even after two drinks??? that’s. hard to believe

**HelloBenjamin:** oh, she did vapourise someone

**HelloBenjamin:** before the first drink, and after grinding with the master

**ImABillever:** eww

**SpaceBicon:** bill potts once again speaks for everyone in the room

**ThePilot:** whoa i forgot that this chatroom was a thing

**SpaceBicon:** HEATHER!!! Long time no talk!!

**ThePilot:** yeah

**ThePilot:** sorry i’ve been so out of touch

**HelloBenjamin:** heather! nice to see you again

**HelloBenjamin:** sorry but you missed the latest master drinks bet

**ThePilot:** damn it!

**ThePilot:** is that why bill let out a shriek last night

**ImABillever:** we dONT TALK ABOUT THAT SUDFGJVCS

**OfficerBi:** sorry but who’s heather

**ImABillever:** my outer space girlf

**ImABillever:** she’s beautiful,,,

**OfficerBi:** me but with the doctor

**SpaceBicon:** seconded

**HelloBenjamin:** thirded

**ImmortalAndGay:** fourthed??

**ImABillever:** sometimes this group chat becomes a doctor thirst club and i feel alone :(

**ThePilot:** i’m here for you hun

**ImABillever:** <3

**ThePilot:** <3

**OfficerBi:** you guys are adorable <3

**SpaceBicon:** that reminds me, i need to get me back!

**OfficerBi:** let me guess, your body and mind are split in parts and you need to reunite yourself with the power of timey wimey

**SpaceBicon:** i… well kinda, but that’s a different story. me is my gf!

**OfficerBi:** aksdjfhdjkasdicv i was joking-

**SpaceBicon:** yeah well i was split into different lives to save the doctor

**OfficerBi:** so there could like. be a dalek you or a victorian nanny you

**SpaceBicon:** surprisingly yes to both of them

**SpaceBicon:** but i don’t need to reunite myself to live :)

**OfficerBi:** every time i think my world is sane…

**ThePilot:** me too

**ThePilot:** me as in me. heather

**ThePilot:** things will get simpler when me returns

**ImmortalAndGay:** at least oswin left the group chat

**ImABillever:** WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT OSWIN

**OfficerBi:** who’s oswin

**HelloBenjamin:** imagine clara

**OfficerBi:** uh huh

**HelloBenjamin:** now imagine her but actually smart and more of a control freak

**SpaceBicon:** hey!!!!

**MayorMe:** fine im back

**MayorMe:** also. it’s loving clara hours who do i need to punch

**SpaceBicon:** sdfkgjhfdjsk

**Private Messages**

**BillPotts → RiverSong**

**BillPotts:** hey could you send me the master gc link

**RiverSong sent an invite link:** _sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz_

**BillPotts:** of course that’s the chat name

**BillPotts:** alright creating a new account

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**BDSpyM:** YOU ASSHOLES DEAD ASS MADE ME PAY

**MurderPoppins:** we did?? don’t remember that

**SexySaxon:** I only remember our master-bation and killing some Judoon.

**ActualPsycho:** it wasnt me

**BDSpyM:** I DON’T CARE I HAD TO SELL MY BALLS TO THE KASSAVIN TO GET THEM TO LET ME WIRE MONEY TO THE FUCKING BANK

**SexySaxon:** You sold… your balls?

**MurderPoppins:** lol that’s so sexy

**SexySaxon:** Missy, what the actual fuck?

**BDSpyM:** yes!! i’ve had the golf balls of the spies i killed with me as keepsakes! and i had to sell them

**_< MasterBait joined the chat.>_ **

**MasterBait:** hello bitches

**BDSpyM:** who are you??

**MasterBait:** your future self. i met dear psycho!master yesterday. we had a lovely time in bed together…

**ActualPsycho:** ah yes

**SexySaxon:** Is your username an innuendo, or are you some sort of fisher(wo)man or hacker?

**MasterBait:** yes

**SexySaxon:** Thank you, Bait, very cool.

**MurderPoppins:** please stop trying to use memes you will never be cool like me

**SexySaxon:** Fuck you

**MurderPoppins:** again?

**MasterBait:** why did you use murderpoppins when it could have been scarypoppins?

**MurderPoppins:** ...good point future me

**<** **_MurderPoppins changed their nickname to ScaryPoppins. >_ **

**ScaryPoppins:** kudos to you @MasterBait

**ScaryPoppins:** anyway where were we? spy selling his balls to the kassavin?

**BDSpyM:** stop talking about it, it’s genuinely upsetting

**MasterBait:** really is unfortunate that they took away what makes you a man

**SexySaxon:** Not that type of balls.

**MasterBait:** is there another type of male balls i am apparently unaware of

**ActualPsycho:** eyeballs

**MasterBait:** oh i knew someone who lost their sight once! hid it from me and when i found out, hoo boy i was MAD

**ScaryPoppins:** did you kill them

**MasterBait:** i shot them later on does that count

**SexySaxon:** No, that’s boring.

**BDSpyM:** golf balls

**MasterBait:** that’s got to be an innuendo. knowing myself.

**BDSpyM:** no. i mean literal golf balls

**ActualPsycho:** anywayyy any plans to kill the doctor?

**BDSpyM:** no but let’s take her balls

**MasterBait:** her what

**BDSpyM:** the baseball she kept as a memento of her game with babe ruth and her lucky bowling ball

**ScaryPoppins:** let’s take his stick too!

**ActualPsycho:** i don’t remember ever taking the doctor’s stick! just his banana

**MasterBait:** why did i subject myself to this

**SexySaxon:** It’s okay, it takes balls to be able to handle your past selves.

**MasterBait:** really does huh

**Private Messages**

**BillPotts → RiverSong**

**BillPotts:** they really don’t suspect a thing??

**RiverSong:** nope

**BillPotts:** askdfjhjskfj

**Private Messages**

**Unknown.Entity → Doctor13**

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning doctor

**Doctor13:** wot

**Doctor13:** who

**Doctor13:** bill? clara? rose? martha? amy? donna? missy? romana? the rani?

**Unknown.Entity:** spoilers…

**Doctor13:** 😬😳😧

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whattt? a plot? a cliffhanger? what even???
> 
> haha tune in next time for more of this crack


	8. permission to kick missy's arse?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy: i am sorry
> 
> TheMaster: stop apologising and be a dick
> 
> Missy: but good is the new evil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some food w a side of angst and plot
> 
> also just a note in case anyone is confused, post-library river has been alive again since spokania

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** hahaa i just won a bet against jack and clara

 **Doctor13:** how do you know clara??

 **YazKhan:** two words: space gays

 **CaptainJack:** i SWEAR i’m going to get you for that the next time river goes drinking with the masters!!

 **YazKhan:** i’d like to see you try

 **GrahamOBrien:** I’m so confused.

 **RyanSinclair:** same here, what’s even going on

 **Doctor13:** i...don’t know…

 **Doctor13:** anyone else get an ominous text last night from ‘Unknown.Entity’?? 💭🙍🙇😯😧😨

 **RyanSinclair:** those emojis make reading hard

 **GrahamOBrien:** I got one saying ‘She is returning’

 **YazKhan:** same here

 **CaptainJack:** whaddaya know me too

 **RiverSong:** i didn’t

 **CaptainJack:** right, just got some messages from clara, ashildr, bill, and heather asking who is returning

 **Doctor13:** you know them??

 **CaptainJack:** i’m captain of the space gays

 **RiverSong:** no you’re not you can’t even hold your cyberliquor

 **YazKhan:** ajksldfg

 **CaptainJack:** keyboard smash now but i’ll drink you under the table yaz

 **RyanSinclair:** w h a t

 **GrahamOBrien:** When did Yaz start drinking with Captain Jack?

 **YazKhan:** next saturday night

 **Doctor13:** if you’re all time travelling then how do you know if it’s saturday night

 **RiverSong:** it usually just sort of happens.

 **CaptainJack:** that’s river speak for clara abuses her time scoop privileges

 **YazKhan:** wait then why do i need to be dropped off/picked up

 **CaptainJack:** the TARDIS refuses to let clara time scoop anyone

 **Doctor13:** wHY does clara have one of those

 **RiverSong:** spoilers

 **GrahamOBrien:** And why are you drinking?

 **RyanSinclair:** rubbish question

 **YazKhan:** fun

 **RiverSong:** all the bad girls do it ;)

 **CaptainJack:** kinky

 **Doctor13:** not on my good gallifreyan server… 😞😨😫😏

 **YazKhan:** that’s… not how the meme goes

 **RyanSinclair:** nice try

**<** **_Missy created the chatroom:_ ** **Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws >**

**_< Missy added ClaraOswald and 8 others.>_ **

**ClaraOswald:** why the hell am i here

 **Nardole:** If the Doctor were here I would request to kick Missy’s arse

 **Missy:** oi, that’s rude!

 **Doctor12:** valid, proceed

 **Nardole:** asdfhgds really

 **Missy:** fuck you :|

 **RiverSong:** he’s an egg why would you do that

 **ClaraOswald:** river! nice to see you here

 **BillPotts:** is no one else going to point out that the group chat name abbreviation is ‘cooties’

 **Nardole:** Very mature Missy

 **GrantGordon:** So… what is this and why am I here

 **LucyFletcher:** it’s a groupchat grant

 **GrantGordon:** i know i just don’t understand why

 **ClaraOswald:** uhh who are you

 **GrantGordon:** I’m a superhero in Manhattan, you?

 **ClaraOswald:** immortal bi time travelling restaurant owner

 **LucyFletcher:** this is the doctors group chat isn’t it

 **Doctor12:** yes

 **TheMaster:** Hello!

 **BillPotts:** can you believe i actually thought this would be fun

 **ClaraOswald:** the fact that missy created this already made it not fun

 **ClaraOswald:** heather and ashildr aren’t even on this!!

**<** **_Missy added 1 user. >_ **

**DannyPink:** what.

 **ClaraOswald:** that is cruel

 **ClaraOswald:** fuck you missy

**_< ClaraOswald left the chat.>_ **

**Doctor12:** Low blow.

 **Nardole:** told you she wouldn’t become good

 **Doctor12:** i can still try

 **Missy:** is no one going to question this chat’s existence

 **RiverSong:** chaos?

 **Missy:** you’re no fun

**Private Messages**

**BillPotts → ClaraOswald**

**BillPotts:** hey are you ok?

 **ClaraOswald:** yes

 **BillPotts:** ashildr told me to tell heather to tell me that you are: lying

 **ClaraOswald:** yep

 **ClaraOswald:** danny pink is my dead cyberman ex-boyfriend

 **BillPotts:** not to be rude, but isn’t a good thing you can talk to him again?

 **ClaraOswald:** not when his murderer was the one who added him

 **BillPotts:** oh

 **BillPotts:** well all the more reason to be anti missy

 **ClaraOswald:** does the doctor really think she can change

 **BillPotts:** yes

 **ClaraOswald:** i’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. for the doctor

 **BillPotts:** you really don’t have to

 **ClaraOswald:** The doctor exterminated his people in a big war and came out better for it. i guess i’m hoping missy can turn good

 **BillPotts:** maybe…

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**_< ClaraOswald joined the chat.>_ **

**BillPotts:** @Missy apologise to clara.

 **Missy:** why should i

 **Doctor12:** because it’s the right thing to do.

 **Missy:** fine. i apologise, clara.

 **Missy:** i genuinely thought you would be happy to see your cyberman again

 **ClaraOswald:** yEAH BUT YOU KILLED HIM

 **Missy:** i am sorry

 **TheMaster:** stop apologising and be a dick

 **Missy:** but good is the new evil

 **ClaraOswald:** so are you really trying to change???

 **Missy:** i suppose so

 **RiverSong:** wow!!! let’s praise you for being a decent fucking person

 **Missy:** no need but much appreciated!

 **Nardole:** That was sarcasm.

 **Missy:** i know

 **DannyPink:** so how can i be texting if i’m dead

 **RiverSong:** i’m river song

 **ClaraOswald:** what does that have to do with anything??

 **RiverSong:** ever since spokania, jack and i have been uploading the consciousnesses of associates of the doctor to the library

 **Doctor12:** ...why?

 **RiverSong:** spoilers

 **BillPotts:** no one has ever said. what is spokania…?

 **Nardole:** spokania is… spokania

 **Doctor12:** Well said, Nardole.

 **Nardole:** thank you sir!

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**SexySaxon:** @ScaryPoppins Explain why you are going good

 **ScaryPoppins:** i’m not ‘going’ good. i AM good

 **BDSpyM:** @SexySaxon if it makes you feel better i hate her too

 **ScaryPoppins:** oh good to know!! too bad you’re in my past

 **ScaryPoppins:** suck my balls

 **ActualPsycho:** oucheth

 **MasterBait:** so are these. women balls or actual sports balls

 **ScaryPoppins:** neither. they’re man balls!

 **MasterBait:** i’m done questioning our collective shit

 **BDSpyM:** so uhh what’s going on up there

 **Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

 **BDSpyM:** whooo the fuck are you

 **ActualPsycho:** doeth we knoweth thou

 **SexySaxon:** You were doing so well! Talk normally again I beg you

 **ActualPsycho:** beg on your knees

 **BDSpyM:** ooh kinky

 **ScaryPoppins:** give ‘er a good blow!

 **SexySaxon:** Is… is that even possible?

 **ActualPsycho:** our wifeth diddeth it in spokaniath, so

 **SexySaxon:** … Lucy gave you a blowjob. In Spokania.

 **ActualPsycho:** oh did i mention we marry the doctor

 **SexySaxon:** sdfghfdjs Fuck.

 **BDSpyM:** so who is returning

 **ScaryPoppins:** idk but remember how you destroyed gallifrey?

 **BDSpyM:** ooh yes that was super super fun!!

 **ScaryPoppins:** yeah now time is unravelling and shit’s going down

**_< Unknown.Entity added Koschei.>_ **

**BDSpyM:** ...oh shit.

 **Koschei:** did someone say shit?? because i’m here now!

**totally secret groupchat**

**Unknown.Entity:** it is unravelling

 **FormerPM:** Stop messaging me. Whoever you are.

 **OzzieTheDalek:** ...what?

 **Unknown.Entity:** @OzzieTheDalek experiencing any bod flaw?? like being a dalek

 **OzzieTheDalek:** first of all what the fuck

 **OzzieTheDalek:** secondly can’t say i am

 **Unknown.Entity:** oh well

 **Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**Fam**

  
**Doctor13:** is it just me or is my life becoming a fanfiction plot


	9. everyone bets on bill (and other existential crises)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ImABillever: YOU GUYS BETTED ON THE DOCTOR HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN??
> 
> ImmortalAndGay: it was riGGED
> 
> ImmortalAndGay: yaz is on the tardis!!!
> 
> OfficerBi: youre just mad you took a bet that you were obviously going to lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some more low quality mostly plotless crack,,, also thank you all for your kind comments and kudos!! they make my day :)))

**Space Gays™**

**MayorMe:** i finally returned…

 **SpaceBicon:** ksdfhdsjkasd 

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

 **ImABillever:** ok it was funny the FIRST time but now it’s just plain annoying

 **OfficerBi:** who even are you

 **Unknown.Entity:** i hide in the depths of time itself…... she is returning

 **SpaceBicon:** i bet ‘she’ is like. some random timelord

 **SpaceBicon:** maybe missy? she died with the doctor, didn’t she

 **ImABillever:** no but on the master chat! she said that the spy master destroyed gallifrey and now time is unravelling??

 **SpaceBicon:** is this why we’re able to talk to the twelfth doctor?

 **HelloBenjamin:** probably

 **ImmortalAndGay:** guys. i had a fantastic idea.

 **SpaceBicon:** your last ‘fantastic idea’ was a threesome with audrey hepburn and aristotle

 **ImmortalAndGay:** that was a good night until shakespeare came in and started waxing poetic in iambic pentameter. now that was a turn off

 **ImmortalAndGay:** anyway my fantastic idea is gathering the gays of time and space and making them official Space Gays™

 **ImABillever:** but.. they’re not….. time travellers

 **ImmortalAndGay:** they can be if time is unravelling

 **HelloBenjamin:** i feel like your priorities are mismatched

 **OfficerBi:** if time is unravelling,,, does that mean,, space gays adventures w the doctor

 **SpaceBicon:** OMG YES

 **SpaceBicon:** no one’s gayer than the doctor

 **ImmortalAndGay:** ahem

 **OfficerBi:** kakdjdjakdf the doctor asked just what the space gays do

 **ImABillever:** kick names take ass

 **HelloBenjamin:** actually we steal names and kick ass

 **ImmortalAndGay:** get high and eat ass

 **SpaceBicon:** keep calm and carry on

 **MayorMe:** don’t stop believin’

 **ThePilot:** carry on my wayward son

 **ImABillever:** therell be peace when you are gone

 **SpaceBicon:** THIS SONG IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSING

 **MayorMe:** lay your weary head to rest

 **ImABillever:** don’t you cry no more

 **ImmortalAndGay:** carry on! well carry oonnnnn

 **ImmortalAndGay:** and in my heart i can’t contain it

 **ImmortalAndGay:** the anthem won’t explain itttt

 **ImABillever:** jack…. no

 **ThePilot:** we were having a moment here

 **ImmortalAndGay:** right. sorry

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**Koschei:** so who are yall

 **ScaryPoppins:** you… you cannot be here

 **Koschei:** ah but i am here

 **ActualPsycho:** once a little shit always a little shit

 **Koschei:** are you calling me a little shit

 **ActualPsycho:** yes

 **SexySaxon:** Actually, she’s calling me a little shit.

 **BDSpyM:** no ME

 **ScaryPoppins:** sexies, i believe I am the real shit of the club

 **MasterBait:** who are you kidding?? i’m the eldest and therefore the realest shit

 **Koschei:** i dont get it. who are yall

 **SexySaxon:** Stop saying ‘yall’ and we’ll tell you.

 **ActualPsycho:** we’re your future selves!

 **SexySaxon:** You’re no fun.

 **ScaryPoppins:** ruining people’s fun is sexy

 **SexySaxon:** Stop calling everything sexy!

 **Koschei:** but your username is sexy

 **SexySaxon:** You’re a child. Don’t get into this.

**_< Koschei changed their nickname to SexyChild>_ **

**BDSpyM:** mY EYES-

 **SexySaxon:** Why? Just why…? Please change it

 **SexyChild:** stop talking like a 600 year old sugar grandad and we can negotiate terms

 **SexySaxon:** You’re so fucking annoying. You know that, right?

 **SexyChild:** god i hate myself so much some times

 **ScaryPoppins:** BURNNN

 **MasterBait:** skdifghfdjsdfg

 **SexySaxon:** Fuck you all.

 **ScaryPoppins:** maybe next saturday!

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**Missy:** HEY SISTERSSSS

 **ClaraOswald:** please… don’t

 **Nardole:** don’t bother trying to negotiate with her

 **Missy:** oi shut it exposition

 **BillPotts:** i thought he was comic relief

 **Missy:** well you’re both disposables to me

 **ClaraOswald:** ouch

 **ClaraOswald:** could be worse, you could be her best girlfriend

 **BillPotts:** when you say girlfriend do you mean

 **BillPotts:** romantic

 **ClaraOswald:** eww no fuck missy

 **TheMaster:** That’s what I’ve been trying to do!

 **Doctor12:** Master what the fuck

 **GrantGordon:** Did the Doctor just say fuck

 **LucyFletcher:** i think he did!!

 **ClaraOswald:** who are you two again??

 **GrantGordon:** The Ghost? NYC superhero?

 **ClaraOswald:** ah right

 **RiverSong:** i bet missy does murder asmr

 **BillPotts:** tHAT THOUGHT IS CURSED

 **Missy:** more like this thot is cursed

 **Nardole:** Sometimes I really hate the Internet

**Fam**

**GrahamOBrien:** Doc, when is your current midlives identity crisis going to be over?

 **Doctor13:** when i figure out if i’m real or not!!! 😨😱😧😤😭😹

 **RyanSinclair:** ok we’re here for you :3

 **YazKhan:** STOP WITH THE FUCKING CATS THE MOVIE WAS BAD ENOUGH

 **YazKhan:** also doctor why on earth would you not be real

 **Doctor13:** what if im,,, fictional

 **Doctor13:** and some loser with no life is writing my story,,,

 **Doctor13:** i bet his name is stevie muffet or muffin or something

 **RyanSinclair:** personally id go with christine chibby

 **Doctor13:** or maybe something weird like mysticpendragon

 **RiverSong:** stop breaking the fourth wall

 **RiverSong:** we’re real.

 **RiverSong:** or maybe that’s what moffat wants us to think…

 **Unknown.Entity:** moffat isn’t even in charge anymore! also she is returning

 **Doctor13:** hmmm stevie moffat… sounds ominous…

 **GrahamOBrien:** So are you still panicking or what?

 **Doctor13:** who even knows at this point

 **Doctor13:** like last year all we had to deal with were sonic-eating stitch, racists, and tim shaw

 **Doctor13:** now its stuff like the timeless child (what??) and the lone cyberman (???) and the other doctor (??)

 **Doctor13:** not to mention the tentacle hentai realm and those alien thieves and the bloody space police

 **CaptainJack:** it’s not all bad though!! everyone gets to connect!! river has been back since spokania!

 **Doctor13:** its almost as if someone wanted more drama in my life

 **Doctor13:** and then decided to make our lives revolve around a groupchat

 **Doctor13:** just some passing thoughts

 **RyanSinclair:** your passing thoughts are terrifying

**Space Gays™**

**HelloBenjamin:** the doctor had a mental breakdown over texts about whether she was fictional or not

 **OfficerBi:** HAHAHAA JACK YOU OWE ME 60 QUID

 **ImmortalAndGay:** fuckkk

 **ImABillever:** YOU GUYS BETTED ON THE DOCTOR HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN??

 **ImmortalAndGay:** it was riGGED

 **ImmortalAndGay:** yaz is on the tardis!!!

 **OfficerBi:** youre just mad you took a bet that you were obviously going to lose

 **HelloBenjamin:** CLARA AND HEATHER YOU OWE ME AND I OUR HARD EARNED 150 QUID

 **HelloBenjamin:** thank you bill potts

 **ImABillever:** yOU BETTED ON ME

 **SpaceBicon:** i mean what did you expect

**_< ImABillever left the chat.>_ **

**ImmortalAndGay:** press f to pay respects

 **ThePilot:** f

 **MayorMe:** F

 **HelloBenjamin:** f

 **SpaceBicon:** f

 **OfficerBi:** f

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**BillPotts:** i’m so mad!! my friends just bet on me!

 **Doctor12:** haha i was right

 **Doctor12:** nardole, my 100 quid if you please

 **Nardole:** Stop complaining about bets, Bill!!!

 **BillPotts:** YOU GUYS BET ON ME TOO

 **ClaraOswald:** @Missy that’s 50 quid

 **Missy:** fuck you

 **DannyPink:** yeah but clara you owe me that 50

 **ClaraOswald:** FUCK

 **ClaraOswald:** YOU COULDN’T HAVE USED A DIFFERENT CURSE WORD MISSY

 **BillPotts:** i still can’t believe you all bet on me 

**BillPotts:** everyone is betting on me!!!

**Fam**

**RiverSong sent an attachment:** BillJustCant.jpg

**Doctor13:** HAHAHA GRAHAM AND RYAN YOU OWE ME 250 EACH

 **GrahamOBrien:** I don’t know who this Bill is, but I can tell we won’t be friends.

 **RyanSinclair:** :///

 **YazKhan:** haha JACK YOU OWE ME AGAIN

 **CaptainJack:** fucccc

 **CaptainJack:** RIVER STOP POSTING PICTURES OF BILL’S BET REACTIONS

 **RiverSong:** ok sure sweetie

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins sent an attachment:** BillAndClaraCant.jpg

**ScaryPoppins:** HAHAA SAXON AND SPY YOU OWE ME

 **BDSpyM:** fuck you and fuck clara oswald and bill potts

 **SexySaxon:** That’s Missy’s dream, actually.

 **ScaryPoppins:** it is not

 **SexyChild:** do i really have nothing to do in my future other than bet on people

 **ActualPsycho:** yes

 **SexyChild:** rip me

 **MasterBait:** LASKDJFHGFDS THE WORLD IS AN ASSHOLE

 **BDSpyM:** bet

**Space Gays™**

**HelloBenjamin sent an attachment:** WeBrokeBill.jpg

**ImmortalAndGay:** HAHA I KNEW IT!!! YAZ YOU OWE ME

 **OfficerBi:** fUCKCKKKK

 **SpaceBicon:** r I P

 **ThePilot:** bill is screaming

 **ThePilot:** that’s 100 quid from all of you

**totally secret groupchat**

**Unknown.Entity sent an attachment:** EveryoneBroke.jpg

**FormerPM:** I hope you have money and a way to wire it here, Oswin, because I won the bet!

 **OzzieTheDalek:** i really want to exterminate something now

 **Unknown.Entity:** somewhere out there bill potts is screaming


	10. shenanigans ft. the master and some dead people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ClaraOswald: all of missy’s texts are an eyesore
> 
> Missy: so’s your dad
> 
> ClaraOswald: tbh go die at the bottom of the dead sea
> 
> ClaraOswald: the weight of your sins should make you sink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i... don't even know what this is anymore
> 
> anyway she is returning

**Fam**

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

 **Doctor13:** you’ve been saying that loads lately!! who the hell is so important that their return needs to be heralded by someone who hides beyond some rubbish name

 **GrahamOBrien:** Doctor, maybe we should tone it down a little.

 **Doctor13:** nO

 **Doctor13:** i just wanna know 😡😤😾😏

 **Unknown.Entity:** 01001000 01110101 01100111 01100001 01101110 00100000 01000110 01100001 01100011 01101000 00100000 01000111 01101111 01100011 01101000 

**Doctor13:** ok i’m not going to even bother

 **CaptainJack:** doctor thats just binary

 **Doctor13:** im too nb for this

 **Unknown.Entity:** you asked

 **YazKhan:** damn the doctor is Not Happy

 **Unknown.Entity:** perhaps this will make her happy

**_< Unknown.Entity added LyndaMoss.>_ **

**CaptainJack:** wait

 **CaptainJack:** lynda? lynda-with-a-y?

 **Doctor13:** LYNDA??

 **Doctor13:** but not linda

 **CaptainJack:** she was forcibly evicted for damage to property

 **LyndaMoss:** wait don’t i know you??

 **LyndaMoss:** sorry just trying to get used to being dead and un-dead

 **CaptainJack:** that sounds like something clara oswald would say

 **YazKhan:** im so confused

 **GrahamOBrien:** Is this what they meant by “she is returning”?

 **Unknown.Entity:** no

 **Doctor13:** how are you alive lynda? 

**LyndaMoss:** i dunno. something about spokania??

 **RyanSinclair:** again with the spokania??

 **RiverSong:** you really did have to be there

 **LyndaMoss:** well anyway who are this lot

 **Doctor13:** this is my fam! graham, yaz, and ryan. they’re from the 21st century

 **CaptainJack:** ahem

 **Doctor13:** and you know jack of course. river song is my dead wife who has apparently not been dead since spokania

 **LyndaMoss:** what happened to rose??

 **Doctor13:** i lost her

 **YazKhan:** who’s rose

 **Doctor13:** no one dw ab it

 **LyndaMoss:** jack?? what happened to rose??

 **CaptainJack:** im sorry its not for me to say

 **LyndaMoss:** alright

 **LyndaMoss:** well you can always talk to me if you need to doctor! you saved me once and i want to repay the favour however i can

 **Doctor13:** thanks

**Death Experiencers Against Dying**

**_< CaptainJack created the chatroom:_ ** **Death Experiencers Against Dying** **_>_ **

**_< CaptainJack added LyndaMoss and others>_ **

**CaptainJack:** HEY SISTERSSSS

 **ClaraOswald:** what is this gc

 **CaptainJack:** it’s a gc for everyone who’s died!!

 **ClaraOswald:** technically i haven’t died yet

 **BillPotts:** is this basically the space gays minus heather and yaz

 **LyndaMoss:** Hello!

 **RiverSong:** well that’s just because jack doesn’t have enough contacts yet

 **RiverSong:** organising the recently undead since spokania has been: a Challenge.

**_< Unknown.Entity added HarrietJones and 3 others>_ **

**HarrietJones:** Hello. Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister and currently dead person.

 **ClaraOswald:** yeah we know who you are

 **RiverSong:** yes, we know who you are

 **BillPotts:** we know who you are

 **CaptainJack:** dont you just love it when people say that

 **ClaraOswald:** OH HELL NO OSWIN IS ON THIS??

 **OswinOswald:** hello ;D

 **ClaraOswald:** w H y this is eMBARASSING

 **OswinOswald:** i feel so loved!!!! thank you!!

 **LyndaMoss:** oh don’t worry! i’m sure you’re a wonderful person

 **RiverSong:** shes a dalek

 **LyndaMoss:** never mind

 **HarrietJones:** Are the other two who were added going to join the chat soon?

 **Jabe:** how…. fascinating. what is this and why am i here

 **MadameDePompadour:** I take it this is something from the future?

 **CaptainJack:** yeah…. i don’t really know

 **ClaraOswald:** @HarrietJones @Jabe @MadameDePompadour how are you back? spokania?

 **HarrietJones:** I believe so.

 **MadameDePompadour:** It was quite a strange phenomenon; one moment, I was in France, dying of my weakness; the next, I woke up in some strange realm armed with some knowledge of modern English conventions and how to operate this magic box; and now, I have been awoken from my death with my body restored.

 **CaptainJack:** yeah that would be your consciousness being uploaded to your body

 **CaptainJack:** the nanogenes healed you

 **Jabe:** I had the same experience as Harriet Jones and Madame de Pompadour

 **ClaraOswald:** and you @OswinOswald ?

 **OswinOswald:** oh you singled me out lovely

 **OswinOswald:** i’m oswin oswald

 **RiverSong:** fair enough

 **LyndaMoss:** yeah it was pretty weird

 **ClaraOswald:** did you say consciousness being uploaded?? like missy’s cybermen?

 **Ashildr:** oh cool ANOTHER cyber invasion what’s new

 **RiverSong:** its not cybermen

 **RiverSong:** its some weird time distortion, but i couldnt track the signal

 **RiverSong:** time itself is preserving the consciousnesses of the dead for upload into nanogenically-restored bodies

 **BillPotts:** in english please

 **RiverSong:** time went yeet and everyone lives

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** @SexyChild how are you texting your fabulously sexy future selves?

 **SexyChild:** i dunno

 **SexyChild:** should i know

 **SexySaxon:** I mean, yes. This is me we’re talking about here.

 **BDSpyM:** did you get w theta??

 **SexyChild:** lol he wishes

 **BDSpyM:** its been so long i dont remember…

 **ScaryPoppins:** @SexySaxon @BDSpyM we should get together and destroy gallifrey again!1!1

 **SexySaxon:** Where did THAT come from?

 **ActualPsycho:** wont that cause a paradox

 **BDSpyM:** ehh who cares

 **BDSpyM:** at least wait until i’m out of the hentai!!!

 **SexyChild:** oooh hentai

 **MasterBait:** you are LITERALLY A CHILD

 **SexyChild:** hard to take you seriously when your username is ‘masturbate’

 **MasterBait:** yours is literally sexy child

 **ScaryPoppins:** boys boys calm down i’m the sexiest one here

 **BDSpyM:** ah i remember the good old days

 **BDSpyM:** i dead ass went from zero to hero

 **SexySaxon:** Excuse me

 **BDSpyM:** missy you say you’re the sexiest but you regenerated into me so clearly you cant be

 **ActualPsycho:** haha owned

 **ScaryPoppins:** oh shut up you’re so ugly you have to pose as river song

 **SexySaxon:** Ouch.

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**Doctor12:** Someone explain why Nardole is at the door singing the humpty dumpty song

 **BillPotts:** he lost a bet

 **BillPotts:** against mi s s y

 **Doctor12:** @Nardole why would you make a bet with her

 **Nardole:** sHE THREATENED TO KILL ME

 **Missy:** it was just going to be a sexy wee murder

 **ClaraOswald:** murder is not sexy

 **DannyPink:** can confirm

 **DannyPink:** source: she murdered me

 **GrantGordon:** are yall just constantly high

 **LucyFletcher:** i think so

 **BillPotts:** who are you lot again??

 **GrantGordon:** The Ghost? Manhattan?

 **LucyFletcher:** he saves new york

 **Doctor12:** no i save new york

 **RiverSong:** you and my parents and the angels tore new york apart, sweetie

 **Doctor12:** but i fixed it

 **RiverSong:** keep thinking that

 **Nardole:** can i stop now missy

 **Missy:** hell no bitchhh!

 **ClaraOswald:** all of missy’s texts are an eyesore

 **Missy:** so’s your dad

 **ClaraOswald:** tbh go die at the bottom of the dead sea

 **ClaraOswald:** the weight of your sins should make you sink

 **BillPotts:** oOF OWNED

 **Doctor12:** stop provoking missy, she’ll try to kill you

 **ClaraOswald:** joke’s on her i’m already dead

 **BillPotts:** me too she killed me

 **DannyPink:** wait really? me too

 **BillPotts:** i became a cyberman because of her

 **DannyPink:** same here

 **BillPotts:** just out of curiosity, are you white

 **DannyPink:** no

 **BillPotts:** wow it’s like the universe treats poc people like shit!!!!

 **Missy:** well i’ll be damned

 **Doctor12:** if the universe is racist fuck the universe

 **ClaraOswald:** and that’s why we stan the doctor

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** so is the doctor ok

 **RiverSong:** what’s going on?

 **GrahamOBrien:** She’s locked herself in her room

 **RyanSinclair:** i can vaguely hear her talking??

 **GrahamOBrien:** It’s kinda troubling.

 **RiverSong:** i’d leave her alone

 **RiverSong:** whatever’s happening… it’s going to take a toll on the doctor

 **RiverSong:** just be there for her

**Space Gays™**

**< _ImABillever joined the chat >_**

**ImABillever:** i'm back you lot better have not betted on that

 **ThePilot:** dw we didn't

**_< Unknown.Entity added MadameVastra and 1 other>_ **

**ImABillever:** uh hello! who’re you lot then

 **MadameVastra:** I’m a lizard woman from the dawn of time and this is my wife, Jenny

 **JennyFlint:** hello!

 **ImABillever:** ok cool now pick a nickname

 **MadameVastra:** You’re not even the slightest bit surprised?

 **ImABillever:** nah

 **ImABillever:** i mean i’m an immortal gay lesbian puddle and i used to be a cyberman so. you’ll fit right in

 **ImABillever:** welcome to the space gays!

**_< MadameVastra changed their nickname to LizardLesbian>_ **

**_< JennyFlint changed their name to MenAreMonkeys>_ **

**LizardLesbian:** Thank you. I’m sure we’ll have a wonderful time here.

**Fam**

**_< Unknown.Entity added TimeCrack>_ **

**RyanSinclair:** wot

 **Doctor13:** hello old friend

 **Doctor13:** i’m not even going to question how a crack in time can text

 **TimeCrack:** soon..... she is returning


	11. i'm a thot, you're a thot, we're all thots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CaptainJack: I wonder if their viewing figures ever did go up
> 
> Doctor13: all those people killed by the daleks and you’re wondering if your dick made their viewing figures go up??
> 
> CaptainJack: yep
> 
> RiverSong: Oh yes, they did
> 
> RiverSong: you have quite the nice endowment ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 2 chapters of this nonsense today (for a reason)

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** so a crack in time, jack harkness, river song, the dead are back… on top of everything else i can only say one thing

**RyanSinclair:** oh no

**GrahamOBrien:** For some reason I don’t want to know

**YazKhan:** …?

**Doctor13:** what the fuckity fuck fucking fucketh fuckity fuck fuck

**RiverSong:** watch your fucking language!

**CaptainJack:** whoaaa doctor easy

**YazKhan:** the doctor cursing is always so surreal

**Doctor13:** Im sorry im just stressed,, 😔😨😩😏

**CaptainJack:** wow doc you must be really happy 😏

**Doctor13:** im not im just STRUGGLIng

**Unknown.Entity:** When she returns, all will be well…

**RiverSong:** ok literally wtf the doctor is struggling

**Unknown.Entity:** not for long

**GrahamOBrien:** I bet it’s a new female Master.

**LyndaMoss:** sorry i’m a bit confused who’s the master?

**Doctor13:** they’re my best frenemy

**LyndaMoss:** ok thanks

**TimeCrack:** Silence will fall!

**Doctor13:** yeah that’s old news

**RiverSong:** never happening again

**YazKhan:** what does that mean

**Doctor13:** there was a question. the oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight. only i could answer it

**Doctor13:** the church wanted to silence me

**GrahamOBrien:** Were you a heretic

**Doctor13:** no i mean the nudist space church

**LyndaMoss:** ohh the papal mainframe?

**Doctor13:** You know about them??

**LyndaMoss:** oh, yeah! there was a show on the game station called ‘confess your sins’!

**LyndaMoss:** basically these people had to live together in a crowded apartment for a week and go to church

**YazKhan:** that sounds really boring

**LyndaMoss:** nooo the fun part was the confession! they had to confess their sins to like. the air. and if they were lying they got killed!

**LyndaMoss:** disclaimer, the killing part was not fun

**YazKhan:** that’s barbaric!

**Doctor13:** that’s the game station for you

**CaptainJack:** I wonder if their viewing figures ever did go up

**Doctor13:** all those people killed by the daleks and you’re wondering if your dick made their viewing figures go up??

**CaptainJack:** yep

**RiverSong:** Oh yes, they did

**RiverSong:** you have quite the nice endowment ;)

**GrahamOBrien:** I don’t even really know what to think anymore.

**GrahamOBrien:** The past few days have been a bit much

**RyanSinclair:** mood

**YazKhan:** tbh theres all this history we dont know

**CaptainJack:** dw we all start somewhere

**LyndaMoss:** hey doctor…

**Doctor13:** yes

**LyndaMoss:** now that i’m not dead anymore, would you ever consider letting me travel with you? i mean you said i could

**Doctor13:** i did, didn’t i

**Doctor13:** give me a time and a place

**Doctor13:** welcome to the fam!

**Death Experiencers Against Dying**

**LyndaMoss:** reinette maybe if you talk to the doctor you’ll be able to see the stars too!! i asked and now i get to travel the universe!!!

**MadameDePompadour:** I don’t know… it could have been long for him, do you think he’ll still love me?

**LyndaMoss:** maybe

**LyndaMoss:** you’ll never know if you don’t ask

**Jabe:** travelling with the doctor seems fun, but i think i’ll start a new colony of my people

**LyndaMoss:** that sounds lovely

**OswinOswald:** I wanted to travel with the Doctor but the Daleks converted me

**LyndaMoss:** that’s horrible

**LyndaMoss:** and here i thought you were just A dalek

**HarrietJones:** Seeing as Earth has new defenders, I think I should like to join Torchwood or UNIT or something.

**MadameDePompadour:** That sounds like an excellent aspiration, Harriet. I think I will ask the Doctor if I may travel the worlds with him.

**RiverSong:** yeah about that

**MadameDePompadour:** Do you doubt my love for the Doctor can withstand anything?

**RiverSong:** the doctor changes faces… and personalities

**MadameDePompadour:** He is still the lonely boy I saw in his mind.

**RiverSong:** well she’s a woman now

**MadameDePompadour:** Well, why didn’t you say so before? I’ve always had a fond passion for le titty

**ClaraOswald:** LE TITTY

**BillPotts:** that is PRICELESS

**MadameLePompadour:** Thank you. Oswin has been teaching me some of the more commonplace colloquialisms of the modern era.

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** HEYYYY SISTERSSS

**ScaryPoppins:** get it because you’re all sissies?

**ScaryPoppins:** haha, i’m such a comedian :)

**ScaryPoppins:** come to think of it, that phrase is sexist as fuck

**SexySaxon:** Since when do we care about being sexist

**ScaryPoppins:** since i became a fabulously sexy woman

**SexyChild:** Missy: all women are queens

**SexyChild:** Saxon: if she breathes she’s a THOT

**ScaryPoppins:** pretty accurate

**BDSpyM:** LADIES, GENTLEMEN, NONBINARY FOLK, BITCHES, PEASANTS, AND KOSCHEI

**BDSpyM:** i’m here

**SexyChild:** did you just imply that i’m a gender

**SexyChild:** because bitch same

**ScaryPoppins:** tag your gender i’m a bitch

**ActualPsycho:** i’m a lady

**MasterBait:** a koschei. definitely a koschei

**BDSpyM:** I’m a bitch

**SexySaxon:** I am a gentleman.

**MasterBait:** peasant who do you think you’re kidding

**SexySaxon:** apparently not you

**ScaryPoppins:** the self love is strong in this chat

**Space Gays™**

**SpaceBicon:** AISDFHFDJWQ IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN @LizardLesbian @MenAreMonkeys

**LizardLesbian:** You too, Clara.

**ImABillever:** sooo it’s pub day

**ImABillever:** when and where are we meeting

**ImABillever:** @LizardLesbia @MenAreMonkeys join us

**LizardLesbian:** I’m afraid we don’t have any means of modern transportation.

**SpaceBicon:** thats okay i have a time scoop

**ImmortalAndGay:** YASSS we need to introduce all the newbies to the wonders of a cyberbrewery

**MenAreMonkeys:** a cyber wHAT

**ImmortalAndGay:** where cybermen go to drink dance and do it

**ImmortalAndGay:** cybersex is a thing ;)

**ImABillever:** cybermen are surprisingly horny given they have no emotions

**MenAreMonkeys:** how does that even work

**ImABillever:** you don’t want to know

**HelloBenjamin:** I got with a cyberman after the master drinking party

**HelloBenjamin:** let’s just say it gave upgrade a whole new dimension ;)

**MayorMe:** oh my god

**ThePilot:** let’s,, not??

**OfficerBi:** what is cybersex

**SpaceBicon:** ah yes you’re new

**SpaceBicon:** have you met a cyberman yet??

**OfficerBi:** No, but I heard them get mentioned

**SpaceBicon:** ok imagine a body in a silver shell

**OfficerBi:** oh my g od that’s nasty

**LizardLesbian:** Jenny and I would like to join you all at the Cyberbrewery.

**OfficerBi:** oh what the hell yolo

**ImmortalAndGay:** lmao imagine only living once

**SpaceBicon:** f

**ImABillever:** f

**ThePilot:** f

**MayorMe:** f

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**Doctor12:** Missy stop shouting ‘I’m a bitch’ in your vault we get it

**BillPotts:** why and how is she even back in the vault

**ClaraOswald:** the vault??

**BillPotts:** the doctor locked missy up in a vault at the university where i served chips

**Missy:** it was sooooo sexy

**Doctor12:** At this point I’m not even sure you understand what sexy means.

**Missy:** sexy is sexy

**Nardole:** You shutting up is sexy

**Nardole:** oh my god it worked

**GrantGordon:** What did?

**LucyFletcher:** shutting that missy woman up

**Missy:** oooh are you more of the doctor’s pets? who are you??

**LucyFletcher:** he’s grant gordon, the ghost in nyc. i’m lucy

**GrantGordon:** now stop fucking forgetting us

**ClaraOswald:** ouch i know how being forgotten is like

**Doctor12:** I REMEMBERED YOU STOP BRINGING IT UP

**ClaraOswald:** okay boomer

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**RiverSong:** you’re here too? tf

**Doctor12:** why were you yelling ‘i’m a bitch’ to begin with @Missy

**Missy:** that’s my gender, darling.

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** i discovered a new emoji! 😘😘😘

**Doctor13:** i’m sending my love!!

**RyanSinclair:** that’s not what it means but go off doc

**GrahamOBrien:** Doc, people usually use that for romantic love.

**Doctor13:** nahhh

**Doctor13:** such a happy emoji :)

**RiverSong:** @Doctor13 😘😘😘

**Doctor13:** @RiverSong 😘😘😘

**CaptainJack:** get a room

**Doctor13:** aww don’t be like that 😘

**CaptainJack:** if you’re going my way, you’re going my way 😘

**YazKhan:** doctor…. no

**RiverSong:** shh just sit back and enjoy the chaos

**RyanSinclair:** why did you teach her how to use emojis

**RiverSong:** I’m River Song

**RyanSinclair:** i don’t know why i even asked

**Unknown.Entity:** soon… she is returning

**Unknown.Entity:** wait one more chapter, for she is returning…

**Doctor13:** ominous much


	12. she is returning next chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GrahamOBrien: Anyone else miss when this was a normal group chat?
> 
> GrahamOBrien: Well, as normal as anything involving the Doctor can be.
> 
> Doctor13: oi!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> skdjfghfds this wasnt as funny to me as the other chapters but sHE IS RETURNING AND THIS IS PLOT-
> 
> also hopefully there are enough clues for y'all to guess who is returning :))) but they're sorta subtle so good luck

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** doctor you need to calm down

**Doctor13:** i CANT

**Doctor13:** SHE IS RETURNING NEXT CHAPTER SJDFHGRFEHDJEFRH

**GrahamOBrien:** I wonder who she is.

**Unknown.Entity:** she has been waiting…. for so long….

**RiverSong:** amy?

**Doctor13:** it can’t be

**RyanSinclair:** who’s amy

**CaptainJack:** ^^^

**LyndaMoss:** ^^^

**Doctor13:** why don’t you just make it this chapter

**Unknown.Entity:** no

**Unknown.Entity:** patience, doctor

**GrahamOBrien:** Anyone else miss when this was a normal group chat?

**GrahamOBrien:** Well, as normal as anything involving the Doctor can be.

**Doctor13:** oi!

**Death Experiencers Against Dying**

**LyndaMoss:** The Doctor is trying to figure out who is returning. She has been waiting ‘for so long’. Any guesses?

**MadameDePompadour:** I was waiting for so long. Maybe it’s me?

**Unknown.Entity:** no

**MadameDePompadour:** Sorry. Just a thought.

**HarrietJones:** It has to be an associate of the Doctor’s, though.

**CaptainJack:** maybe martha??

**CaptainJack:** oH NO WHAT IF IT’S DONNA

**RiverSong:** what’s wrong with donna

**CaptainJack:** she became a human-time lord metacrisis so she’ll die if she remembers the doctor

**BillPotts:** can’t you just restore her?

**CaptainJack:** the time lord memories would still burn her brain

**BillPotts:** Heather and I could find a way to restore her body somehow

**RiverSong:** you’d need a chameleon circuit to undo it

**ClaraOswald:** well luckily we have one of those

**HarrietJones:** Aren’t we being presumptive in assuming that Donna is the one returning?

**CaptainJack:** true, true

**LyndaMoss:** well at least that’s one less person to suspect

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** i’m cravin’ some Bananas on this fine day

**ScaryPoppins:** Anyone else feel like havin’ bananas

**ScaryPoppins:** or that someone is coming for the Doctor

**SexySaxon:** What the fuck

**SexyChild:** Of course!!! let’s have a banana party over your fucking grave

**BDSpyM:** aren’t you a little edge Lord

**SexyChild:** Fuck you

**ActualPsycho:** @BDSpyM why did you capitalise lord

**BDSpyM:** have to be a good christian on our good christian server

**ScaryPoppins:** that’s a fuckin’ lie

**SexySaxon:** are you supposed to be southern american or something

**ScaryPoppins:** lmao you got me there darlin’

**SexySaxon:** you disgust me

**ScaryPoppins:** glad to be of service

**Private Messages**

**10807050 → 17104180**

**10807050:** She is returning…

**17104180:** what?

**17104180:** who is this?

**10807050:** a friend… i cannot say who…

**10807050:** only that she is returning…

**Private Messages**

**Unknown.Entity → Doctor13**

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**Doctor13:** what?

**Doctor13:** and just what the fuck are you talking about

**Unknown.Entity:** it is coming, doctor. in the dark. you have awaited her for a long, long time…

**Doctor13:** wHO

**Doctor13:** who is coming back??

**Unknown.Entity:** someone hidden in the very folds of time itself…

**Unknown.Entity:** the clues are there, time is unfolding… be prepared

**Fam**

**GrahamOBrien:** @RiverSong @JackHarkness She’s pacing again.

**LyndaMoss:** it’s only getting worse, we’re worried for her

**YazKhan:** it’s about this whole ‘she is returning’ thing

**Unknown.Entity:** well she is returning

**RiverSong:** something suspicious is going on in the master chat

**RiverSong:** missy started randomly talking about bananas – and she’s chaotic as hell, but not even the master is ever that spontaneous

**Doctor13:** she’s up to something

**RyanSinclair:** she is returning

**Doctor13:** that’s not funny

**YazKhan:** she is returning

**GrahamOBrien:** she is returning

**RiverSong:** she is returning

**Doctor13:** THIS ISN’T FUNNY WHAT’S HAPPENING??

**CaptainJack:** doc, she’s returning

**CaptainJack:** from far away…

**Doctor13:** ...she is returning… but who?

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**RiverSong:** she is returning

**ClaraOswald:** is that. a meme…? that unknown entity keeps saying it

**Doctor12:** Who? Who is returning?

**BillPotts:** someone is returning??

**Nardole:** Sir, permission to panic?

**Doctor12:** valid, granted

**Nardole:** ALSIDFHGFDJSKDJFGHFJDKSLKDJFGHFJD 

**GrantGordon:** why is there golden energy in the air

**RiverSong:** That would be time itself unravelling, sweetie.

**RiverSong:** who are you by the way

**GrantGordon:** I’M GRANT GORDON. I’M A SUPERHERO IN NEW YORK

**Missy:** sister snapped

**ClaraOswald:** #whoisreturning

**RiverSong:** who even knows

**Doctor Whooo?**

**_< RiverSong created the chatroom: _ ** **Doctor Whooo? >**

**_< RiverSong added Doctor13 and 1 other>_ **

**_< RiverSong left the chat>_ **

**Doctor13:** i’m assuming this has something to do with that ‘she is returning’ thing

**Doctor12:** Probably. Is it just you and I?

**Doctor13:** i don’t really remember having an account in the past yet, so. we’ll just have to wait and see

**Doctor12:** Our personal timelines are being changed, right? All of ours. Not just the timeline of the Doctor, but also those of our friends. River’s alive when she shouldn’t be. I remember Clara.

**Doctor13:** Lynda Moss is alive and part of my fam, and Jack’s back

**Doctor13:** i bet this has to do with the timeless child!

**Doctor13:** or maybe the master destroying gallifrey

**Doctor12:** … That’s not a good thing

**Doctor12:** It appears my efforts to rehabilitate Missy have failed.

**Doctor13:** oh no! we didn’t fail!! missy’s actually p good! 😏😏😏😂😻😘

**Doctor12:** That’s a relief.

**Doctor13:** Also, please never use emojis like that again

**Doctor13:** ok boomer ;)

**Space Gays™**

**OfficerBi:** anyone else tiny bit scared of this whole ‘she is returning’ business

**LizardLesbian:** I was not aware of this

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**LizardLesbian:** I am now.

**SpaceBicon:** pictures taken before and after disaster

**HelloBenjamin:** i’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. the readers will be able to figure out who it is and the doctor will be able to sort everything out :)

**ImABillever:** who the fuck are the readers

**HelloBenjamin:** oh, they’re the ones watching our every text.

**OfficerBi:** sounds very big brother to me

**ImmortalAndGay:** Hello readers! I just want you all to know that you are FABULOUS, and that missy would call you SEXY and that you’re all extraordinary

**ImmortalAndGay:** Thank you for being our companions! I also want to let you know that is returning

**HelloBenjamin:** Goodbye fourth wall

**SpaceBicon:** wait wait wait who is returning

**LizardLesbian:** she is

**ImmortalAndGay:** it’s !!!

**ImmortalAndGay:** why can’t i say her name

**HelloBenjamin:** spoilers

**ImmortalAndGay:** valid

**ImmortalAndGay:** i’m sure everyone can figure it out!

**ImmortalAndGay:** oh fuck the entity just killed me :(

**MayorMe:** How inconvenient

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** IT’S ALMOST THE END OF THE CHAPTER IM SO ANXIOUS

**Doctor13:** WHO IS COMING

**Doctor13:** Blease tell me!!!

**GrahamOBrien:** Cursed

**RyanSinclair:** hOW DID YOU EVEN LEARN THAT MEME-

**Doctor13:** spoilers

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning tomorrow

**Unknown.Entity:** but just a little hint to tide you over…

**Unknown.Entity:** @Doctor13 you’re a dancing queen, young and sweet, only 4.5 billion

**Doctor13:** I dont get it

**CaptainJack:** OH OH OH I DO

**CaptainJack:** DOCTOR IS COMING BACK

**CaptainJack:** oh i died again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> she is returning tomorrow


	13. lucky number thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ActualPsycho: goeth you funky little masterbators
> 
> SexySaxon: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STOP WITH THE MEDIEVAL SPEAK
> 
> ScaryPoppins: guys lmao if you’re on earth 2020 look at the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i pROMISE IT'S GOING TO BE LESS PLOTTY AND ANGSTY AND MORE FUNNY SOON

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** IT’S CHAPTER THIRTEEN @Unknown.Entity SPILL THE TEA WHO ARE YOU

 **Unknown.Entity:** oh fine

 **Unknown.Entity:** B

 **Unknown.Entity:** A

 **Unknown.Entity:** D

 **Doctor13:** WAIT IT CANT BE

 **Unknown.Entity:** W

 **CaptainJack:** IT IS

 **Unknown.Entity:** O

 **Unknown.Entity:** L

 **RiverSong:** oh my god

 **YazKhan:** i’m so confused??

 **Unknown.Entity:** F

 **Unknown.Entity:** Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf

**_< Unknown.Entity has changed their name to BadWolf>_ **

**BadWolf:** i scattered myself through time and space as a reminder to save you

 **BadWolf:** and soon, rose will return

 **Doctor13:** why would you need to save me??

 **BadWolf:** isn’t it obvious?? the timeless child

 **BadWolf:** the lone cyberman. the parallel worlds. the other doctor. spokania. the destruction of gallifrey

 **BadWolf:** it’s all converging…

 **CaptainJack:** I knew there had to be a plot to our nonsense!

 **RiverSong:** Fourth wall, sweetie.

 **LyndaMoss:** wait, but doctor you said rose was gone

 **Doctor13:** yeah! she is. she’s locked away in a parallel universe

 **Doctor13:** maybe ruth was a parallel me… and the walls between the universes are breaking down

 **CaptainJack:** @RiverSong when and where are you

 **RiverSong:** earth, 6 february 2020

 **CaptainJack:** ...yeah look at the sky

 **Doctor13:** we’re on akars nova, what’s happening

 **RiverSong:** yeah you might want to go to earth yourself :)))

 **BadWolf:** the timelines and the walls are breaking down, all of them. what is past was merely prologue

 **Doctor13:** ...which is why rose is coming back

 **Doctor13:** but what does this have to do with the master destroying gallifrey

 **BadWolf:** he also killed the last paradox police. luckily you were good about not causing paradoxes, so they never had to do much work. but also since everyone’s been coming back since spokania…

 **Doctor13:** time and space have become chaotic

 **BadWolf:** yes

 **YazKhan:** why am i getting texts to look at the sky

 **CaptainJack:** yeah youd have to be on earth to see it

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**Unknown.Entity:** It is time to reveal my name

 **ScaryPoppins:** shut up no one cares

 **BDSpyM:** well i would like to know :)))

 **Unknown.Entity:** B

 **Unknown.Entity:** A

 **Unknown.Entity:** D

 **BDSpyM:** bad bitches?

 **ScaryPoppins:** badass queen?

 **SexySaxon:** Bad driving ability

 **Unknown.Entity:** W

 **Unknown.Entity:** O

 **SexyChild:** bad women

 **ScaryPoppins:** go die in a pit :D

 **Unknown.Entity:** L

 **Unknown.Entity:** F

 **Unknown.Entity:** BAD WOLF

 **Unknown.Entity:** Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf

**_< Unknown.Entity has changed their nickname to BadWolf>_ **

**ScaryPoppins:** what does that mean

 **MasterBait:** yeah, i’m confused too

 **BadWolf:** Ever heard of Rose Tyler? Because she is returning

 **SexySaxon:** Oh. This whole time, I thought it was someone important.

 **BDSpyM:** she is important!!! shes the doctor’s bait

 **SexySaxon:** What

 **BDSpyM:** wherever rose tyler goes, the doctor will always follow

 **ActualPsycho:** And how exactly can we trust that you know that

 **BadWolf:** You’ll never beat the Doctor

 **SexySaxon:** Except for his banana

 **SexySaxon:** We’ll beat that

 **ScaryPoppins:** that’s disgusting and the slightest bit sexy

 **BDSpyM:** I seduced Jack Harkness into telling me that information ;)

 **MasterBait:** no… we didn’t. he would never let him get seduced by you

 **ActualPsycho:** me, on the other hand…

**Private Messages**

**BillPotts → JackHarkness**

**BillPotts:** did you really let the master seduce you into telling the doctor’s weaknesses??

 **JackHarkness:** no??

 **BillPotts:** then how does he know that rose is the doctor’s weakness

 **JackHarkness:** wHAT THE FUCK HOW

 **BillPotts:** that’s exactly what i’m asking

 **JackHarkness:** he’s probably been watching them

 **JackHarkness:** like a creep

 **JackHarkness:** anyone can see how important rose is to the doc

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**BadWolf:** spy master is a grostky little byotch

 **SexySaxon:** Hahaha.

 **ScaryPoppins:** oohhhhh my gosh you’re so boring

 **SexyChild:** aksdfhdjsk

 **MasterBait:** i know we didn’t seduce jarkness, so how the fuck did you find that out

 **MasterBait:** i don’t remember

 **ActualPsycho:** i don’t either

 **BDSpyM:** ok first of all you can shut up bad wolf

 **BDSpyM:** second of all of coURSE i was lying

 **BDSpyM:** i just spy on the doctor duh

 **ScaryPoppins:** that’s really fucking creepy

 **ScaryPoppins:** but OMG same thoooo! twinsies

 **SexySaxon:** Go fuck yourselves

 **BDSpyM:** wanna make it a threesome

 **SexySaxon:** Yes

 **ActualPsycho:** goeth you funky little masterbators

 **SexySaxon:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STOP WITH THE MEDIEVAL SPEAK

 **ScaryPoppins:** guys lmao if you’re on earth 2020 look at the sky

 **SexySaxon:** whoa what the fuck

 **BDSpyM:** sits in still suck in the tentacle hentai realm

**Death Experiencers Against Dying**

**UnknownEntity:** B

 **UnknownEntity:** A

 **HarrietJones:** Pardon?

 **UnknownEntity:** D

 **MadameDePompadour:** What?

 **UnknownEntity:** W

 **UnknownEntity:** O

 **Jabe:** Sorry what

 **OswinOswald:** O is for Oswin is spankin’ hot

 **UnknownEntity:** L

 **UnknownEntity:** F

 **UnknownEntity:** Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf

**_< Unknown.Entity changed their nickname to BadWolf>_ **

**BadWolf:** She is returning

 **CaptainJack:** yeah we know

 **RiverSong:** Why do you keep announcing this on every server

 **BadWolf:** it is essential

 **HarrietJones:** Who is returning?

 **CaptainJack:** rose

 **MadameDePompadour:** I knew it! Jabe, Harriet – you both owe me 250 quid each.

 **Jabe:** of course it had to be her

 **OswinOswald:** i told you not to take the bet!!

 **HarrietJones:** I had been hoping it would have been Martha.

 **BadWolf:** perhaps soon…

 **BadWolf:** as spokania approaches, the worlds and times follow the unravelling…

 **CaptainJack:** ominous much

 **BadWolf:** perhaps

 **LyndaMoss:** are any of you on earth 2020

 **HarrietJones:** Yes

 **MadameDePompadour:** I am, yes.

 **LyndaMoss:** apparently if you look in the sky you’ll see something crazy

 **HarrietJones:** Oh my god

 **HarrietJones:** This happened, once… when I died

 **MadameDePompadour:** Dear Lord…

  
  


**Space Gays™**

**Unknown.Entity:** it is time

 **Unknown.Entity:** B

 **Unknown.Entity:** A

 **ImABillever:** dear god get on with it this is the third time for me

 **SpaceBicon:**?

 **OfficerBi:** Bad Wolf

 **Unknown.Entity:** D

 **OfficerBi:** It’s Bad Wolf, Rose is back, and something’s in the sky

 **Unknown.Entity:** W

 **Unknown.Entity:** O

 **ImmortalAndGay:** L

 **ImmortalAndGay:** F

 **ImmortalAndGay:** Bad Wolf

 **Unknown.Entity:** L

 **Unknown.Entity:** F

 **Unknown.Entity:** Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf

**_< HelloBenjamin changed Unknown.Entity’s nickname to BadWolf>_ **

**ImABillever:** whoa how did you do that??

 **HelloBenjamin:** i’m river song

 **ImABillever:** valid

 **BadWolf:** she is returning

 **ImmortalAndGay:** we get it, rose is returning

 **MayorMe:** who’s rose

 **ImmortalAndGay:** Doctor’s former companion

 **BadWolf:** imma spread the news to the cooties chat

 **ImABillever:** not if i beat you

 **OfficerBi:** the what

**Coalition of Other Timetravelling Individuals Evading Spacelaws**

**BillPotts:** B

 **Unknown.Entity:** B

 **Unknown.Entity:** A

 **Bill Potts:** AD WOLF

 **Nardole:** what is an ad wolf

 **Doctor12:** not ad wolf

 **BillPotts:** Bad Wolf, Rose is back

**_< BillPotts changed Unknown.Entity’s nickname to BadWolf>_ **

**Nardole:** how the fuck

 **BillPotts:** I’m Bill Potts

 **Nardole:** valid

 **RiverSong:** that’s my line, sweetie

 **ClaraOswald:** Hold on wait

 **ClaraOswald:** I remember that now!! One of my echoes lived on the Game Station

 **BillPotts:** echoes?

 **ClaraOswald:** it’s a reaaaally long story but basically that’s how oswin existed

 **BillPotts:** ok creepy

 **BadWolf:** Bad Wolf

 **Doctor12:** thank you badwolf, very cool

**Private Messages**

**10807050 → 17104180**

**10807050:** She has returned

 **17104180:** Who? and why

 **10807050:** the walls of the universes are breaking down as time unravels

 **10807050:** two words to identify her, doctor. just two

 **17104180:** No… it can’t be

 **10807050:** But it is. It’s both of us. We’re back

 **10807050:** Bad Wolf

**Fam**

**BadWolf:** she is returning now

 **RyanSinclair:** Rose is here??

 **YazKhan:** she’s not on the tardis

 **BadWolf:** well duh she’s still in another universe

 **GrahamOBrien:** Then how is she going to come back?

 **BadWolf:** texting duh

 **RiverSong:** How is this even possible??

 **BadWolf:** spoilers

 **CaptainJack:** Wait, I just heard the TARDIS land near me

 **Doctor13:** well you need to show us what’s going on, don’t we??

 **CaptainJack:** @RiverSong i just sent you my space coordinates, come join us

 **RiverSong:** of course sweetie

 **RyanSinclair:** holy shit

 **GrahamOBrien:** It can’t be…

 **Doctor13:** I… I’m afraid it is

 **YazKhan:** how the fuck is the entire city of sheffield in the sky???

 **BadWolf:** first of all why are y’all texting if you’re like 5 feet apart (gayyy)

 **BadWolf:** second of all…

**_< RoseTyler joined the chat>_ **

**RoseTyler:** Doctor?

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope rose's return was a big surprise for you,,, anyway here were the 3 biggest clues that i can remember i intended to be clues,,,
> 
> 1\. in the exchange in the master gc about bananas, pay attention to the first 7 texts. there's one letter capitalised in each text and they spell out an iconic phrase  
> 2\. harriet, jabe, and reinette were brought back bc they all knew rose (oswin was for a different reason. this was also more subtle and more of a reach)  
> 3\. dancing queen = the doctor dances (also a reach, kudos if you got it)


	14. why is it always sheffield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YazKhan: are all daleks this prudish
> 
> Doctor13: yes
> 
> RiverSong: not if you tickle their balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and back to our irregularly unscheduled cracky chaos

**Fam**

**RyanSinclair:** uhh where did yall end up

 **RyanSinclair:** lynda and i are in paris

 **RiverSong:** the doctor and i are in nyc

 **Doctor13:** The last time we were here together it didn’t end well so.. hoping for some good luck

 **CaptainJack:** Yaz and I are waiting for the rest of the Space Gays in tokyo

 **GrahamOBrien:** I’m just… lost in cardiff

 **YazKhan:** has anyone figured out how sheffield got up there?? or where the tardis ended up

 **RoseTyler:** Locking on to whatever coordinates I can get off of y’all but it’s going to take some time

 **LyndaMoss:** why are we texting this is a crisis

 **Doctor13:** well we’re all stuck waiting for help or to figure things out, so. might as well text

**RyanSinclair sent an attachment:** us right now.jpg

  


**GrahamOBrien:** Is now really the time for memes?

 **RyanSinclair:** it’s always time for memes

 **Doctor13:** omg i’m rofl

 **Doctor13:** don’t “no one uses that anymore sweetie” me river

 **CaptainJack:** but nobody uses that anymore

 **YazKhan:** asidfjndsjakASKDJF TRUE

 **LyndaMoss:** oh my god i love that meme i have one too!!!

**LyndaMoss sent an attachment:** Linda.jpg

  
  


**RoseTyler:** BAISDFJFDSKADF

 **LyndaMoss:** good old linda with an i

 **Doctor13:** wonder if she’ll ever show up

 **GrahamOBrien:** Really, though, is now the right time

 **CaptainJack:** i mean we have nothing better to do

**CaptainJack sent an attachment:** 1940slondon.jpg

  
  


**Doctor13:** oi i take offence to that!

 **RoseTyler:** AKSD I REMEMBER THAT

 **RoseTyler:** oh look daleks

 **Doctor13:** WHOA WHAT THE FUCK

**Doctor13 sent an attachment:** daleks.jpg

  
  


**GrahamOBrien:** It saddens me that I know exactly which meme this is.

 **YazKhan:** doctor……. no

 **Doctor13:** im just trying to cope here :’)

 **CaptainJack:** memes are my favourite way to cope

 **RiverSong:** I thought it was cyberwhiskey

 **RoseTyler:** i seem to have missed a lot

 **CaptainJack:** oh noes i have been exterminated

 **YazKhan:** Yeah I’m hiding from Daleks and looking for Cyberwhiskey to wake him up in 21st century Tokyo, just an ordinary day

 **CaptainJack:** dw about the cyberwhiskey i’m alive again

 **LyndaMoss:** ryan getting a gun and randomly shooting a dalek in the eyestalk was the highlight of my day

 **RyanSinclair:** I dont even know what im doing

 **GrahamOBrien:** Why is there a blonde woman with a gun running right at me

 **CaptainJack:** what

 **RyanSinclair:** quoi le fuck

 **GrahamOBrien:** Update. It’s Rose, we’re currently trying to break into something called Torchwood to reactivate the ‘Rift’

 **CaptainJack:** rose w hy

 **RoseTyler:** well we need the doctor don’t i

 **Doctor13:** but im in new york w river

 **RoseTyler:** not you, you plum

 **RoseTyler:** my hubby

 **RoseTyler:** also gotta get my own fam since all the other dimensions are collapsing :)

 **Doctor13:** wait what

 **CaptainJack:** again

 **RoseTyler:** yup

 **GrahamOBrien:** At this point, I’m too afraid to ask if what we’re doing is legal or not

 **RyanSinclair:** probably not but it’s the end of the worlds so it’s valid

 **YazKhan:** dalek invasion, apocalypser fdsa

 **YazKhan:** tomato, solanum lycopersicum

 **YazKhan:** don’t evan ask how i knowq that.msdfnv cxm ,,,, it’s from a webshow

 **RiverSong:** don’t tell me she got drunk on cyberwhiskey in the middle of a dalek invasion

 **CaptainJack:** yep

 **RyanSinclair:** bad timing innit

 **LyndaMoss:** don’t you just LOVE almost being exterminated

 **LyndaMoss:** dead ass i was about to die and hARRIET JONES PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY-

 **LyndaMoss:** i won’t even question why she’s in paris

 **Doctor13:** since when is harriet jones back??

 **CaptainJack:** since spokania

 **RoseTyler:** BLOODY RIFT

 **TimeCrack:** lemme help

 **RoseTyler:** who even are you

 **TimeCrack:** i’m a crack in time and space but that’s not important

 **RiverSong:** yeah we don’t question anything here

 **RoseTyler:** ok

 **TimeCrack:** let’s open this fucking rift babyyy

 **CaptainJack:** i wonder what other cracks can talk

 **LyndaMoss:** jack what the fuck

 **Doctor13:** guYS I MET ANOTHER FRIENDLY DALEK AND INTRODUCED HIM TO TEXTING!!

 **RoseTyler:** eye-

**_< Doctor13 added FriendlyTheDalek>_ **

**FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE UNHAPPINESS

 **RoseTyler:** the fuck

 **CaptainJack:** … did you say ANOTHER friendly dalek

 **Doctor13:** yep!

 **LyndaMoss:** how can a dalek even text

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** WITH THE EASE AND EFFICIENCY OF THE DALEK RACE

 **LyndaMoss:** thank you friendly very cool

 **Doctor13:** i know right??

 **CaptainJack:** hold on i’m just going to check on the gays chat

 **RoseTyler:** are we all just going to not question why the doctor named a friendly dalek ‘friendly’

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** DO NOT QUESTION THE DOCTOR! SHE WILL BE THE QUEEN OF THE DALEKS!

**Space Gays™**

**ImmortalAndGay:** where, and i cannot stress this enough, the fUCK are yall

 **ImmortalAndGay:** i’m trapped with a drunk yaz in tokyo after the entire fam got transmatted, sheffield is in the sky, and there’s aNoThEr fucking dalek invasion

 **HelloBenjamin:** you forgot friendly the dalek

 **ImmortalAndGay:** ah yes, the doctor has a pet dalek now

 **SpaceBicon:** what the fuck??

 **SpaceBicon:** i didn’t hear about this

 **SpaceBicon:** we’re going to pick up bill and heather and head on to yall

 **SpaceBicon:** tokyo on 7 january 2020 right

 **ImmortalAndGay:** yes

 **ImmortalAndGay:** please hurry up i don’t think i can handle yaz’s one-woman rap battle anymore

 **HelloBenjamin:** rip you sweetie

 **ImmortalAndGay:** yeah you see that’s impossible

**Private Messages**

**10807050 → 17104180**

**10807050:** Hey Doc

 **17104180:** I still have literally no idea who you are

 **10807050:** im you but cooler

 **17104180:** nani the fuck

 **10807050:** yep :D

 **10807050:** jackie, pete, tony, and i are just casually waiting for rose to open the rift on the other side

 **17104180:** you weren’t kidding when you said rose was back

 **10807050:** i mean duh

 **10807050:** why would i ever lie about that?? especially to you of all doctors

 **17104180:** fair enough

**Private Messages**

**RoseTyler → CaptainJack**

**RoseTyler:** hey can you send me martha’s contact info

**CaptainJack sent a contact:** MarthaJones

**Private Messages**

**RoseTyler → MarthaJones**

**RoseTyler:** Hi Martha, this is Rose! One of the Doctor’s companions and I are currently in Torchwood trying to reopen the Rift. Let me know how quickly you can get here

 **MarthaJones:** Omg I wish I could, but Mickey and I are in Sheffield, and, well, you know.

 **RoseTyler:** oh no

 **RoseTyler:** good luck up there!

**Fam**

**RoseTyler:** soo uhh martha’s stuck in sheffield with mickey

 **Doctor13:** oh no are they okay??

 **RoseTyler:** i hope so

 **CaptainJack:** oh dear

 **YazKhan:** Who’s Martha

 **Doctor13:** she’s one of my old friends!

 **YazKhan:** ever since we met jack and river, it’s all just been old friends hasn’t it

 **Doctor13:** yep

 **RiverSong:** that would be time unravelling sweetie

 **Doctor13:** yep

**Doctor Whooo?**

**Doctor13:** rose is back. she’s in cardiff

 **Doctor12:** That’s good

 **Doctor12:** In a bizarre twist of fate, I have found myself with Clara, Bill, Heather, Me, Missy, and Nardole en route to Tokyo to save Jack Harkness and someone named Yaz from the Daleks.

 **Doctor13:** omg yaz!!! she’s part of my fam 😬😬😬

 **Doctor12:** Again with the emojis! Why does everyone use them?

 **Doctor13:** i’m the doctor

 **Doctor12:** Valid I guess

 **Doctor13:** so are you a space gay or the space grandad

 **Doctor12:** Bill and Clara both insist that I am both

 **Doctor12:** Joke’s on them I’m ace

 **Doctor13:** MOOD

 **Doctor12:** Oops got to go

 **Doctor13:** ok say hi to yaz for me!!

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** omg i just met the white haired scotsman you, doctor

 **YazKhan:** and now we’re defeating daleks with cyberwhiskey along with clara, bill, heather, ashildr, and nardole the funky space gay

 **CaptainJack:** So as it turns out, Cyberwhiskey is dead lethal to Daleks

 **RiverSong:** good thing the doctor and i are at new york’s secret alien gastropub

 **GrahamOBrien:** Their what

 **RyanSinclair:** why are you even surprised anymore

 **RoseTyler:** Alien fighting can be a handful sometimes

 **YazKhan:** tbhhh yes

 **LyndaMoss:** yall im crying

 **LyndaMoss:** the last time i faced the daleks i dIED

 **LyndaMoss:** and apparently the same happened to harriet,,,

 **YazKhan:** oh no are yall okay

 **LyndaMoss:** yeah

 **LyndaMoss:** Madame de Pompadour brought us some cyberwhiskey and we’re getting piss drunk while killing the Daleks with Oswin Oswald

 **LyndaMoss:** this is fun :’)

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** TEMPERANCE! TEMPERANCE!

 **YazKhan:** are all daleks this prudish

 **Doctor13:** yes

 **RiverSong:** not if you tickle their balls

 **YazKhan:** if you what

 **RiverSong:** try it, tickle their balls

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** hey sisters!!!

 **ScaryPoppins:** welcome to my fighting daleks vlog!!!

 **ScaryPoppins:** this is our 203495843924th dalek invasion on earth!!

 **ScaryPoppins:** please make sure to hit the notification bell and like, comment, and subscribe!!!

 **SexySaxon:** What, in no uncertain terms, the actual fuck

 **ScaryPoppins:** subscribe to me on youtube!! i’m called The Sexy Bitch there

 **SexySaxon:** Dear Lord you really are insane

 **ActualPsycho:** i’m more insane

 **ScaryPoppins:** i’m literally the sexy bitch

 **ActualPsycho:** i married the doctor

 **SexySaxon:** Yeah, she’s more insane there.

 **ScaryPoppins:** you draw the line there when we all know you shagged his tenth and eleventh bodies. not counting that old war sugar daddy

 **SexySaxon:** Now that was a night.

 **SexySaxon:** Come to think of it, wasn’t that on Spokania?

 **ScaryPoppins:** oh yes

 **BDSpyM:** guys what’s happening i’m still stuck here talking to the tentacles

 **SexySaxon:** Have you even looked for a way out?

 **BDSpyM:** yES

 **ActualPsycho:** rip you

 **MasterBait:** do daleks have tits

 **ScaryPoppins:** yes

 **MasterBait:** very cool thanks

 **ScaryPoppins:** @SexySaxon @SexyChild let’s be sexy and kill daleks on earth

 **SexyChild:** why

 **SexySaxon:** For once, I’m in agreement with the runt.

 **SexyChild:** oi

 **ScaryPoppins:** well if they exterminate the doctor and her pets, then we’ll be bORED as fuck!!! which is not sexy

 **SexySaxon:** Finally, something that isn’t sexy.

 **SexySaxon:** Fine, making my way down to Earth, 2020.

 **SexySaxon:** Dear God is that Sheffield in the sky

 **ScaryPoppins:** yes

 **SexyChild:** aLRIGHT FINE

 **ScaryPoppins:** i knew my womanly wiles would work on your puny male brains

 **BDSpyM:** dONT LEAVE ME OUT OF THE FUNNNNN

 **BDSpyM:** it’s not sexy!!!

 **ScaryPoppins:** ok zoomer

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** oh my god nothing is more terrifying than a dalek moaning and yelling ‘fuck me!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to @icongardens/@galifrey on Tumblr for the 13th Doctor icon used in 13's meme, and to @arthurdarvill, also on Tumblr, for the River icon.
> 
> anyways this fic is so fucking stupid but i'm glad you all seem to like it so much :))


	15. friendly wants to exterminate twitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friendly the dalek @friendlydalekofficial
> 
> I HAVE GOTTEN A ‘TWITTER’ AND IT IS USELESS. EXTERMINATE TWITTER
> 
> yasss yaz @therealyazkhan
> 
> gET OFF OF TWITTER FRIENDLY-
> 
> Graham O’Brien @grahamobrien
> 
> Why does the Dalek have a Twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this... is quite possibly one of the biggest chapters of this fic if not THE biggest so far. some crack some plot some... whatever the fuck is going on

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

I HAVE GOTTEN A ‘TWITTER’ AND IT IS USELESS. EXTERMINATE TWITTER

**yasss yaz** @therealyazkhan

gET OFF OF TWITTER FRIENDLY-

**Graham O’Brien** @grahamobrien

Why does the Dalek have a Twitter

**gay and angry** @tonyrydinger

Those Daleks are invading the Earth and there’s a Dalek. tweeting. tf

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@tonyrydinger THE DALEKS WILL BE THE SUBJUGATES OF THE DOCTOR. BOW DOWN TO OUR QUEEN

|

**rose** @badwolf

@tonyrydinger just ignore the dalek

**gaydrien** @underagreste

*sits in we’re all gonna die*

**spoilers sweetie** @riversong

Ooh, Daleks on Twitter? this is new.

**The Cyberbrewery** @officialcyberbrewery

@riversong We are pleased to have found you on Twitter. Please contact us so we may give you a complementary Cyberwhiskey.

**the sexy bitch** @heymissy

nothing’s sexier than a dalek on twitter. walk up to your friendly local dalek and tickle those balls!

|

**the one and only bill potts** @imabillever

@heymissy that’s disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself

|

**the sexy bitch** @heymissy

no shame in my dalek game

**spider-yeet** @spy-duh-man

[Image: Dalek invasion of Queens.png]

stay indoors if you can. these dalek things are dangerous

|

**oh my god tom holland!!!** @hesbaee

@spy-duh-man thank you for protecting us!

|

**spider-yeet** @spy-duh-man

@hesbaee ofc!! stay safe!

**i spy** @bdspym

iM MISSING OUT ON THE FUN BECAUSE I’M STUCK IN FUCKING TENTACLE HENTAI LAND

|

**immortal and gay** @captainbeefcake

Oh no that’s terrible :((( must suck to be you

|

**the sexy bitch** @heymissy

imagine being stuck in the kassavin realm! #whataloser

**conrad** @conradsparks

bois let’s get #fuckoffdaleks trending

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

#fuckoffdaleks #makelovenotwar

|

**rose** @badwolf

#fuckoffdaleks

|

**the impossi-bi girl** @claraoswald

#fuckoffdaleks

|

**taken for granted** @marthajonesofficial

#fuckoffdaleks

|

**UNIT** @officialunit

Normally, we wouldn’t condone this language, but #fuckoffdaleks

**Fam**

**FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE TWITTER

**Doctor13:** what’s twitter

**YazKhan:** it’s a venomous disease

**Doctor13:** oh then i fully agree!

**RoseTyler:** oh good, yaz got it covered

**CaptainJack:** anyway these daleks are getting drunk on dalek booze and now we’re parading down tokyo singing anime theme songs

**RyanSinclair:** wot

**YazKhan:** I regret my life decisions

**CaptainJack:** yaz played witness to a dalek orgy

**Doctor13:** i’m… so done

**FriendlyTheDaleks:** DALEKS SHOULD EXERCISE PRUDENCE! EXTERMINATE THE SINNERS!

**GrahamOBrien:** Doctor, just a question.

**Doctor13:** bite

**GrahamOBrien:** Is Friendly, by any chance, religious?

**Doctor13:** yeah that would make sense

**RiverSong:** just tickle his balls, doctor

**Doctor13:** I will not

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**BDSpyM:** can someone please get me out of the tentacle realm

**ScaryPoppins:** no

**SexySaxon:** No.

**BDSpyM:** i hate y’all

**ActualPsycho:** do you promise to tap that dalek titty

**SexySaxon:** Why are you making him promise if you’ve been him and would thus remember if he did or not?

**ActualPsycho:** it’s been so long, you can’t expect me to remember all of my sexy crimes

**ScaryPoppins:** shes got a point

**SexySaxon:** Apparently all it takes to gain your trust is the word ‘sexy’.

**ScaryPoppins:** true

**SexyChild:** be sexy do crime

**MasterBait:** us in a nutshell

**BDSpyM:** FINE I PROMISE

**BDSpyM:** I’LL TAP THE DALEK TITTY

**ActualPsycho:** use the vortex manipulator i sent you wisely. it has one use

**BDSpyM:** THANK YOU

**Twitter**

**i spy** @bdspym

[Image: Spy Master stroking Dalek balls.png]

my future self freed me but now i gotta tap that dalek titty

|

**yasss yaz** @therealyazkhan

@bdspym first of all WHAT second of all WHY

|

**i spy** @bdspym

@therealyazkhan yOU try stroking that dalek titty!! see what happens

|

**yasss yaz** @therealyazkhan

@bdspym i did and now i have the distinct honour of being a human who has seen a dalek orgy

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

EXTERMINATE THE DALEKS

|

**rose** @badwolf

@friendlydalekofficial aren’t you a friendly bundle of fun

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

uhhh @spy-duh-man saved me from the daleks,,, and now i would just like to tell the daleks to go home

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@yeeterparkour THAT IS VALID. DALEKS WILL SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO THE DOCTOR QUEEN FOR FURTHER ORDERS

**not wicked just ambitious** @greenqueen

I’m scrolling through twitter in the midst of this apocalypse (tbh what’s new) and what the fuck is the doctor queen

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@greenqueen THE DOCTOR HAS DEFEATED THE DALEKS COUNTLESS TIMES. THE DOCTOR IS DESERVING OF OUR PRAISE!

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

I HAVE DISCOVERED ‘REDDIT’! I WILL DO AN AMA THERE! ASK YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD DALEK ALL OF THE QUESTIONS YOU WISH TO ASK!

|

**the sexy bitch** @heymissy

@friendlydalekofficial sexy ;)

**Fam**

**RoseTyler:** wait is friendly the dalek actually doing a reddit ama

**FriendlyTheDalek:** YES! YOU MAY SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS AND I WILL ANSWER THEM!

**RoseTyler:** yeah i know what an ama is

**Doctor13:** wHAT IS GOING ON-

**RyanSinclair:** shenanigans

**JackHarkness:** uhh guys is it just me or is there a cyberman live streaming on youtube

**Doctor13:** ...the lone cyberman

**FriendlyTheDalek:** CYBERMEN ARE INFERIOR TO THE DOCTOR! CYBERMEN MUST BE EXTERMINATED!

**JackHarkness:** whoa

**YazKhan:** jack get off your phone we’re watching the livestream

**Doctor13:** could someone get me the deets

**RoseTyler:** yeah, graham and i are watching the stream while the crack opens the rift

**YouTube Live Feed**

**The Sexy Bitch:** guyyys follow me for sexy dalek content

**Simon Burmann:** this is a cyberman stream

**Yala:** OMG GUYS IS THE CYBERMAN GONNA DO TIKTOK DANCES

**Kate Stewart:** @Yala , we’re constantly monitoring for any Cyber activity.

**Yala:** yeah but are we gonna see cybermen doing tik tok dances?

**Simon Burmann:** cybermen are above tik tok

**Souffle Girl:** whoa, hello there internet

**The Sexy Bitch:** Claraaa! Follow me on YouTube! Also, have you seen the Twitter explosion

**Souffle Girl:** yeah i’m not talking to you in public

**Rose Tyler:** how are things going in tokyo

**Souffle Girl:** yaz is trying to get jack to watch the stream. the doctor and bill are just making tik toks while waiting for it to start

**The Lone Cyberman:** Stream begins in 5

**The Lone Cyberman:** 4

**Yala:** YEEEEEET

**Shuri:** can’t wait to see if it’s a broken white cyberboy

**The Lone Cyberman:** 3

**Yeeter Parkour:** sHURI NO

**Henry M:** w H y

**The Ladyblog:** guys what if it’s an akuma

**The Lone Cyberman:** 2

**The Lone Cyberman:** 1

**The Lone Cyberman:** Please enjoy my first Cyberstream!

**Doctor Disco:** bill look a cyberman is trying to be relevant

**Bill Potts:** Yeah I can see, I’m literally watching this right now

**The Sexy Bitch:** Ooh, a Dalek-Cyberman alliance to stop the unravelling of time? Sign me the fuck up!

**Lynda Moss:** uh let’s not

**Yeeter Parkour:** sits in i’m going to die (Again!?!!)

**Shuri:** pETER NO

**The Ladyblog:** ok maybe it’s no an akuma

**Simon Burmann:** all hail the cybermen!

**mr potato lover:** What about the Sontarans

**Captain Charming:** give 3 cheers for the apocalypse

**Yeeter Parkour:** HOORAY

**Cal Alden:** guys look the cyberman dabbed

**Cal Alden:** oh no never mind it was some ploy to kill that random dalek

**DalekFan103:** Guys if you go on reddit that friendly dalek is doing an AMA

**Jodie Whittaker:** Glad I don’t live in this universe. Byeeee!

**The Sexy Bitch:** lmao i WISH

**Rose Tyler:** ok so this is canary wharf all over again

**Rose Tyler:** if i get lost i’m going to KILL A BITCH

**Fam**

**CaptainJack:** basically the lone cyberman used cyberwhiskey to create new cybermen

**CaptainJack:** luckily cyberwhiskey doesn’t convert you, just makes you immune from cyber attacks

**Doctor13:** welp i guess im drinking tonight

**RiverSong:** so a dalek-cyberman war on earth, sheffield in the sky, daleks on reddit trying to exterminate twitter, rose’s return, the end of time itself??

**RiverSong:** seems like we’ve got an RTD finale on our hands

**RiverSong:** let’s just go to spokania lmao

**YazKhan:** haven’t heard spokania in a while

**RoseTyler:** What is Spokania

**FriendlyTheDalek:** SPOKANIA WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END

**RoseTyler:** thank you friendly very cool

**Doctor13:** spokania… it’s coming closer than we think

**RyanSinclair:** well THAT’s ominous

**CaptainJack:** So Doc what are we going to do

**Doctor13:** i dunno… but we’re gonna need some help

**Private Messages**

**Doctor13 → RiverSong**

**Doctor13:** River could you gather all of your contacts and plunk them all into one big gc

**RiverSong:** sure sweetie. this will be chaotic!

**The Apocalypse**

**_< RiverSong created the chatroom: _ ** **The Apocalypse** **_>_ **

**_< RiverSong added RoseTyler and 30 others>_ **

**CaptainJack:** ...oh boy

**BillPotts:** is this… pretty much eVERYONE

**RiverSong:** yep

**Missy:** Oh, my giddy aunt

**SpyMaster:** any dalek titty here

**Doctor12:** wHY

**Nardole:** permission to panic sir

**Doctor13:** valid, granted

**Nardole:** AKSDIFUVHXNS

**RiverSong:** hello, sweeties

**RiverSong:** it’s the apocalypse hooray

**TheMaster:** Why are you so happy

**Koschei:** how the fucketh did you get this number

**RiverSong:** spoilers

**FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE THE DALEKS

**FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE TWITTER

**RoseTyler:** oh my god

**ClaraOswald:** someone’s gonna add a cyberman. just watch

**TimeCrack:** bet

**BadWolf:** sits in nervous laughter

**RoseTyler:** what

**GrahamOBrien:** What is going on??

**RyanSinclair:** just sit back and enjoy the chaos

**YazKhan:** yay a new arc

**BadWolf:** he is returning

**Doctor13:** seriously this again

**TheMaster:** Fuckity fuck no

**MarthaJones:** oh this will be SO FUN :D

**MadameVastra:** What?

**OswinOswald:** DALEKS ARE SEXY

**Heather:** good lord

**Doctor13:** Who is returning

**BadWolf:** rose knows

**RoseTyler:** oH FINALLY

**_< BadWolf added Corin to the chat.>_ **

**Corin:** hi guys!! i’m corin but you might know me as the doctor

**Corin:** or tentoo, that works too.

**Doctor13:** …

**TimeCrack:** Silence will fall…

**ClaraOswald:** ok that’s enough

**FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE TWITTER

**FriendlyTheDalek:** AND ASK QUESTIONS AT MY REDDIT AMA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway just a few notes!!!
> 
> 1\. as you can see, yes there are other fandoms joining the mix. dw they're just cameos – but if you're a fan of the mcu, miraculous ladybug, or once upon a time, stay tuned because the chaos of this chatfic is coMING TO THOSE FANDOMS SOON-  
> 2\. this fic is only compliant up to 'fugitive of the judoon'. 'praxeus' and every episode after that is not canon to this fic bc i'm spinning my own story based on series 12 rumours  
> 3\. corin is the meta crisis tenth doctor. he apparently chose a new name in the target storybook  
> 4\. the apocalypse chatroom has every character in this fic in it EXCEPT for one of those mystery numbers  
> 5\. SPOILERS FOR THIS FIC AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS: the current plots for this 'arc' (like the she is returning arc) focus on spokania, the unravelling of time, the dalek-cyberman invasion, lone cyberman, timeless child (a bit), sheffield in the sky, and the destruction of gallifrey. kinda a lot but they're all pretty much tied in. skdf dont worry though theres still gonna be a hecc ton of crack END OF SPOILERS
> 
> that's all!! thanks for reading this bizarre nonsense


	16. the chapter that puts the crack in crack fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RoseTyler: i can hear voices in the rift
> 
> YazKhan: what the fuck that’s creepy
> 
> RoseTyler: wait never mind that’s my mum coming through
> 
> GrahamOBrien: She thought I was the Doc and slapped me saying ‘that’s for abandoning my Rose with Corin without warning them!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here have some more convoluted plot and crack!! also there are some mcu and miraculous ladybug references but you dont need to know anything about either of them for this fic

**Fam**

**RoseTyler sent an attachment:** A doctor, a bus driver, and a badass wolf.png

**CaptainJack:** now that’s sexy

**Doctor13:** omg i haven’t seen that face in forever

**RoseTyler:** we’re having fun

**GrahamOBrien:** Killing Weevils isn’t fun, Rose.

**CaptainJack:** i hate those things!!

**RyanSinclair:** wait what is going on?

**RoseTyler:** the crack accidentally opened it a wee bit too much

**LyndaMoss:** Rip

**YazKhan:** guys what do you get when you cross two of the same dalek and a port city

**Doctor13:** what

**YazKhan:** a pair o’ docks

**YazKhan:** ajsdfh i’m such a comedian

**RiverSong:** good effort sweetie

**RoseTyler:** i can hear voices in the rift

**YazKhan:** what the fuck that’s creepy

**RoseTyler:** wait never mind that’s my mum coming through

**GrahamOBrien:** She thought I was the Doc and slapped me saying ‘that’s for abandoning my Rose with Corin without warning them!’

**Doctor13:** oh good old jackie

**FriendlyTheDalek:** THE DOCTOR IS NOT OUR QUEEN ANYMORE, JACKIE TYLER IS OUR QUEEN

**TimeCrack:** Time is so distorted that I can text and Jackie Tyler is the queen of a queenless race

**CaptainJack:** i’ve learned to stop questioning my life and you should too

**TimeCrack** i’m literally a fucking crack in time this doesn’t make any fucking sense

**RiverSong:** neither does my life, what the fuck moffat

**RoseTyler:** what the fuck is a moffat

**FriendlyTheDalek:** A GOOD DESTROYER OF THE DALEK RACE

**Doctor13:** you know friendly reminds me of rusty

**YazKhan:** who’s that

**Doctor13:** another friendly dalek

**FriendlyTheDalek:** RUSTY IS MY QPP

**RyanSinclair:** what

**RiverSong:** queer platonic partner, sweetie, educate yourself

**RyanSinclair:** no i know what a qpp is

**YazKhan:** i’m sensing you’re also confused as to how a dalek can have one

**FriendlyTheDalek:** JUST BECAUSE WE’RE NOT HUMAN DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T LOVE

**CaptainJack:** but….. daleks only hATE

**CaptainJack:** that’s p much a fact of their biology

**FriendlyTheDalek:** THE DAY I DO NOT FEEL LOVE IN MY BEATING DALEK HEART IS THE DAY CAPTAIN JACK DIES AND RIVER STOPS SAYING SPOILERS

**RiverSong:** oh my

**Doctor13:** very oddly that is cute

**RoseTyler:** in what universe does the doctor call a dalek ‘cute’

**Twitter**

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

IT IS LOVING @rustythedalek HOURS! LOVE RUSTY OR DRAW 25!

|

**gay and angry** @tonyrydinger

@friendlydalekofficial what the fuck? daleks can love?? also isn’t the phrase ‘exterminate’

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@tonyrydinger EXTERMINATION IS FOR THOSE LOVELESS DALEK HEATHENS

|

**the impossi-bi girl** @claraoswald

@friendlydalekofficial what, in no uncertain terms, the actual fUCK

**America’s Ass™** @captainamerica

PSA: Daleks and Cybermen are dangerous and will kill you. Do not engage. Take shelter where necessary.

|

**i spy** @bdspym

@captainamerica Finally! A good fucking Captain America PSA!

|

**taken for granted** @marthajonesofficial

@captainamerica the implication that the master has experienced the captain america psas is deeply disturbing

**the ladyblog** @theladyblogofficial

This just in: Ladybug’s Lucky Charm has just summoned Cyberwhiskey. Saved the whole team from being converted into Cybermen.

|

**immortal and gay** @captainbeefcake

@theladyblogofficial see?? cyberwhiskey gets you piss drunk but it’s dead useful

**The Apocalypse**

**Corin:** so does anyone have a plan of attack

**Doctor12:** We’re just keeping Tokyo safe from the Daleks and Cybermen

**Missy:** how did this invasion start to begin with

**RoseTyler:** they’re from canary wharf. since the timelines are unravelling, they’ve made a comeback, stolen sheffield, and according to our crack expert, opened cracks in time that will suck you in and erase you from history

**BillPotts:** our what expert

**TheMaster:** Given who’s in this group chat, we really do need a crack expert.

**RiverSong:** cracks in time

**TimeCrack:** As an actual crack in time, can confirm that there are multiple cracks in time sprouting in various locales – from the SS Madame Pompadour to a London trap street to Sheffield.

**YazKhan:** so basically if the doctor was there there’s crack

**TimeCrack:** yes

**ClaraOswald:** from an outsider’s perspective it sounds like we’re all on crack

**MarthaJones:** I know what’s going on and we still sound like we’re on crack

**SpyMaster:** random question but what’s even going on at this point

**Doctor13:** Time itself is unravelling because you destroyed Gallifrey and now the Daleks and Cybermen have stolen Sheffield and invaded the Earth. Oh, and Daleks feel love, the Lone Cyberman is a streamer, my whole past is catching up to me, and Spokania is probably going to be relevant

**Missy:** and of the timeless child?

**Koschei:** but that’s a myth

**MarthaJones:** so is the master’s sex appeal

**RoseTyler:** OOOH #MARTHABURN

**RoseTyler:** martha jones is my queen

**Doctor13:** sits in i thought i was

**RoseTyler:** sorry but martha just is a queen. no questions asked

**Missy:** well looking back martha is a queen

**MarthaJones:** thanks…?

**HarrietJones:** Attention! Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.

**Missy:** yes, we know who you are

**Doctor13:** yeah i know who you are

**RoseTyler:** harriet!!

**TimeCrack:** yes we know who you are

**HarrietJones:** Can anyone else confirm the existence of animal-themed superheroes in Paris? Or am I hysterical to the point of delusion?

**RiverSong:** yes

**LyndaMoss:** you’re not hysterical or delusional i see them too

**CaptainJack:** oh they must be the ones i told that cyberwhiskey was good!!

**RyanSinclair:** they cant be more than 13!

**RiverSong:** well i had my first cyberwhiskey at a year old!

**Nardole:** you did not

**RiverSong:** well a year old in this body

**GrahamOBrien:** Rose, Corin, the Crack, Rose’s family, and I are just hanging in Torchwood keeping track of all of you.

**Corin:** yup! and talking about… stuff

**BillPotts:** @everyone i know that this is a crisis but anyone want to join the space gays

**MadameDePompadour:** If it means meeting more queens of le titty then yes

**FriendlyTheDalek:** I HAVE A QPP, MAY I JOIN YOUR ASSOCIATION OF SPACE GAYS

**ClaraOswald:** i… sure

**Missy:** what about me? i’m not just the sexy bitch, i’m the sexy lesbian queen bitch

**BillPotts:** but you killed me

**TheMaster:** technically that was me

**Missy:** no, technically that was that irrelevant blue guy

**Missy:** saxy just converted you into a cyberman

**TheMaster:** STOP CALLING ME SAXY

**ClaraOswald:** i vote no, you tried to make the doctor kill me

**CaptainJack:** it’s a no from me, i don’t want the master in the space gays club

**RiverSong:** i don’t care

**Doctor12:** Maybe this is a conversation for the Space Gays chat

**Heather:** i vote no

**MayorMe:** Also a no from me

**YazKhan:** no

**Missy:** well you’re all fun! #sexybitchesforever

**TheMaster:** Lol rip you.

**SpyMaster:** 🅱️lease stop trying to sound hip and cool by using our way of speaking

**RiverSong:** it’s not really hip or cool sweetie

**TheMaster:** Fuck y’all I’m out

**_< TheMaster left the chat.>_ **

**_< Missy added TheMaster>_ **

**TheMaster:** Fuck you

**Missy:** mood

**ClaraOswald:** why

**BillPotts:** ^^^

**Missy:** because we’re sexy and we know it

**Koschei:** glad to know my future’s in good hands

**Missy:** yes mine

**Space Gays™**

**_< ImABillever added MadameDePompadour and 1 other>_ **

**ImABillever:** @MadameDePompadour @FriendlyTheDalek you need to choose nicknames

**_< FriendlyTheDalek changed their nickname to HippieDalek>_ **

**HippieDalek:** IS THIS SATISFACTORY?

**ImABillever:** yes thank you friendly very cool

**_< MadameDePompadour changed their nickname to LeTitty>_ **

**SpaceBicon:** im dYING THAT IS PERFECT-

**LeTitty:** I felt like it would fit in with the theme of this group.

**ImABillever:** im loving it

**LeTitty:** Oh my gosh, I love McDonald’s! Humanity truly has progressed since I last lived on Earth.

**ImmortalAndGay:** the ending of that sentence was metal AF but you do know how mcdonalds makes its food right

**LeTitty:** No…?

**SpaceBicon:** look it up

**LeTitty:** I am officially done with McDonald’s now.

**SpaceBicon:** atta girl

**LizardLesbian:** The only organic thing about McDonald’s food is when you digest it

**ImABillever:** aksdifjgvhcnd

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**SexySaxon:** @ScaryPoppins stop moping about the space gays not letting you in

**ScaryPoppins:** bUT I’M THE GAYEST OF THEM ALL

**ActualPsycho:** yes but you were a bitch to them so why are you even surprised

**ScaryPoppins:** doesn’t the doctor preach forgiveness and hope

**MasterBait:** doesn’t mean his friends will be the same

**ScaryPoppins:** hold on @ActualPsycho @Masterbait why are neither of you on the apocalypse chat

**ActualPsycho:** spoilers

**SexySaxon:** I KNEW IT YOU’RE RIVER SONG

**SexySaxon:** @BDSpyM Where’s my 1k quid

**BDSpyM:** honestly fuck you all

**MasterBait:** plot twist alert!!

**MasterBait:** we are river song and bill potts, we always have

**ActualPsycho:** oh yes

**MasterBait:** “river song” and “bill potts” are just aliases

**MasterBait:** we tricked the doctor into thinking we were good people and became his ‘friends’ all just to break their hearts

**BDSpyM:** hahaha they’re horrible people so @SexySaxon gimme my money back

**SexySaxon:** As much as I’d like to say ‘fuck you’, I commend you for such a clever scheme.

**ActualPsycho:** why thank you

**SexySaxon:** Screw it, fuck you

**ScaryPoppins:** wAIT WE CONVERTED OUR FUTURE SELF INTO THE FIRST CYBERMAN

**Twitter**

**the sexy bitch** @heymissy

Still shook that we converted our future self into the first Cyberman

|

**i spy** @bdsm

personally i think it was really sexy of us to do that

**rose** @badwolf

if you’re in cardiff GET OUT asap and as safely as possible. the time crack opened the rift too much and now there are angel statues that move if you blink

|

**rose** @badwolf

I am now being told that these are called weeping angels

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

If you’re in NYC, get off the streets! If you need a safe spot to hide from those dummies, Stark Tower is heavily protected! also avoid retail stores or anywhere else w lots of dummies

|

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

I am now being told that these are called autons and they are dangerous. @spy-duh-man can you boost this thread

|

**spider-yeet** @spy-duh-man

yeah guys listen to what he said

**the ladyblog** @theladyblogofficial

stay away from the cybermen and daleks and beware of who you trust!! those red things in the streets CAN and WILL take your appearance

**immortal and gay** @captainbeefcake

calling all tokyo residents/visitors, do you read me? DO NOT go outside. the cybermen and daleks have been joined by dangerous clockwork droids and sontarans

|

**mr potato lover** @carbsandstarches

OH MY GOD SONTARANS!!! I LOVE THEM

**The Apocalypse**

**RoseTyler:** anyone also confused why there are all of these sudden other invasions

**CaptainJack:** me

**LyndaMoss:** yeah me too

**ClaraOswald:** anyone else confused

**TimeCrack:** I opened the rift too much and unleashed a bunch of cracks that are now summoning many of the doctor’s past enemies

**BillPotts:** oh fuck

**Missy:** guys weeping angels are REALLY good target practice

**GrahamOBrien:** Yeah we’re really more concerned with getting back to 2020.

**Doctor13:** oh no the angels got you??

**RoseTyler:** yeah we’re in the 1930s now

**RiverSong:** wait. the 1930s??

**RoseTyler:** yeah why

**RiverSong:** my parents are there

**Corin:** wait river song??

**Doctor13:** yeah she’s my (our?) wife,,, also aren’t amy and rory in new york

**RiverSong:** for all we know they went to cardiff. who knows

**OswinOswald:** aww amy and rory were nice

**MarthaJones:** Who are Amy and Rory?

**Doctor12:** Former companions of mine. They got sent back in time via Weeping Angel and are supposed to die in the 1980s. fixed point

**FriendlyTheDalek:** FIXED POINTS ARE IRRELEVANT. TIME IS BROKEN AND CAN NOW BE REWRITTEN WITH MORE EASE

**RoseTyler:** wouldn’t that break time even more though??

**TheMaster:** OH OH OH I see! Not if you’re clever! And the Doctor and I are clever, loathe as I am to admit it.

**Corin:** OHHHH I SEE!

**Doctor13:** Bloody hell, I’m getting it too!

**Missy:** That’s so genius I could kiss myself!

**RiverSong:** ohhhh that’s clever

**ClaraOswald:** wait, i’m getting it too!

**BillPotts:** anyone gonna explain in english

**Doctor13:** time itself is unravelling which means that further paradoxes and broken fixed points in time will break it further

**Doctor12:** Such as Amy and Rory’s deaths and Clara’s death

**ClaraOswald:** so imagine there’s this big time storm raging across the galaxy and making all of time happen at once in every moment of time

**Missy:** If you were to fly something into the time storm, an equal force of chaotic time

**TheMaster:** The chaos would cancel each other out, thus fixing time

**LyndaMoss:** so what would you fly into the time storm

**Corin:** an exploding tardis

**Heather:** where would you get an exploding tardis

**RiverSong:** from when the pandorica opened and the doctor rebooted the universe

**MadameDePompadour:** But then who would fly it in?

**Doctor13:** that’s the only thing we never quite got

**BadWolf:** i know the answer

**SpyMaster:** oh?

**RyanSinclair:** who

**BadWolf:** the timeless child

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #theyarereturning
> 
> also adventure of the space gays wont be updated for a teeny bit of time but i hope to get a chapter or two out in the following week. friendlys ama is next chapter. hopefully the plot makes sOME semblance of sense lmao


	17. fourth wall? who's she?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TheMaster: Shall we bet on who’s returning?
> 
> BillPotts: nO STOP BETTING Y’ALL
> 
> ClaraOswald: handles
> 
> Doctor13: aww handles! i hope he shows up in this fic soon!
> 
> Doctor13: sorry i must’ve caught the fourth wall bug from river

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the quality is degrading like my opinion in those doctor who fans who are still whining about the doctor being a woman (and a Black one too! i love jo martin's doc!!!) and how doctor who is being more blatant with its political message lmao
> 
> also ahhhsdhf sorry this is so late!!! i got busy over the weekend,,, also i'm writing a weeping angel backstory fic,,, more content for space gays and mcu is coming in The Future

**The Apocalypse**

**Doctor13:** who the fuck is the timeless child

 **BadWolf:** oh you know who he is

 **BadWolf:** and they are returning

 **RoseTyler:** take a shot every time bad wolf says someone is returning

 **CaptainJack:** i’d be piss drunk by next chapter

 **MarthaJones:** why the constant ‘they are returning’

 **RiverSong:** it’s getting old tbh

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE THE PHRASE ‘THEY ARE RETURNING’

 **TheMaster:** Shall we bet on who’s returning?

 **BillPotts:** nO STOP BETTING Y’ALL

 **ClaraOswald:** handles

 **Doctor13:** aww handles! i hope he shows up in this fic soon!

 **Doctor13:** sorry i must’ve caught the fourth wall bug from river

 **RiverSong:** hydroflax or that blue steward guy

 **Nardole:** river’s other husband

 **RoseTyler:** elton and ursula

 **Doctor13:** wE DON’T SPEAK OF THEM

 **GrahamOBrien:** Tim Shaw

 **RyanSinclair:** tim shaw

 **YazKhan:** tesla or tim shaw

 **CaptainJack:** who the fuck is tim shaw

 **Doctor13:** some guy who was trying to be relevant

 **Doctor12:** That superhero guy whose name we keep forgetting

 **GrantGordon:** i’m literally right here

 **LucyFletcher:** me too

 **Doctor12:** oh look there they are. it’s sorted, they’ve returned

 **BadWolf:** no

 **Corin:** the other me

 **Heather:** penny

 **BillPotts:** asdfug WHY

 **LyndaMoss:** linda with an i!

 **MadameVastra:** strax

 **Jenny:** strax

 **TimeCrack:** the eleventh doctor

 **TheMaster:** all bets are for 1000 quid btw hahaha

 **MarthaJones:** whoever amy and rory are, them

 **Doctor13:** 😭😭😭

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** DONNA NOBLE

 **Doctor13:** 😭😭😭

 **Corin:** ouch

 **CaptainJack:** ianto, gwen, or alonso

 **Doctor12:** Allons-y, Alonso

 **Missy:** that annoying guy i vapourised or osgood

 **SpyMaster:** someone sexy

 **SpyMaster:** maybe a judoon or that other doctor 13 met

 **DannyPink:** the brig

 **Doctor13:** 😭😭😭

 **ClaraOswald:** jeez doctor are you ok

 **Missy:** Woman up, grow a pair, and stop crying!

 **TheMaster:** But women don’t have balls

 **Missy:** guess that makes you a woman then

 **Missy:** and i must be a man because i have more balls than you

 **CaptainJack:** women can have balls!

 **CaptainJack:** source: common sense

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** WOMEN CAN HAVE BALLS, PHYSICALLY AND/OR FIGURATIVELY

 **BillPotts:** friendly the dalek said trans rights

 **OswinOswald:** the doctor i met or nina

 **Koschei:** theta

 **MadameDePompadour:** The Doctor I met

 **HarrietJones:** Some random nice Sycorax with a name or Friendly’s QPP

 **Jabe:** the face of boe

 **CaptainJack:** askdfj

 **BillPotts:** wow you all dead ass placed a bet

 **BillPotts:** ...oh fine. calling it now, it’s going to be one of the monks. but it’s going to be 2k quid!

 **RoseTyler:** fine by me

 **Missy:** i’M ready to get RICH!

 **Doctor13:** lol enjoy y’all’s bet

**Twitter**

**rusty the dalek** @rustythedalek

I AM NEW TO “TWITTER”, BUT IT MUST BE EXTERMINATED! ALSO GO TO REDDIT FOR MY QUEER PLATONIC PARTNER FRIENDLY’S AMA!

|

 **rose** @badwolf

@rustythedalek wH A T

|

 **doctor disco** @thedoctordisco

@rustythedalek Rusty! You’re not the one returning, are you

|

 **rusty the dalek** @rustythedalek

@thedoctordisco ALL SIGNS POINT TO NO

**Cyberman Stan** @simon_burmann

Guys I just got upgraded. If I had emotions I would be happy. Yay.

**unknown entity** @BadWolfReal

They are returning

|

 **dp** @fuckyourfourthwall

This plotline is overused so much, even the characters in this fic can tell

|

 **spoilers sweetie** @riversong

yes we really can

**Reddit**

**r/AMA**

**I AM A FRIENDLY DALEK. AMA**

u/FRIENDLYTHEDALEK • 9m

GREETINGS REDDIT. I AM A FRIENDLY DALEK HERE TO EXTERMINATE MISERY AND HONOUR OUR QUEENS THE DOCTOR AND JACKIE TYLER

**burdenedbygloriousfandoms**

  1. ayy what the fuck
  2. do u have history w the doctor (have u met before??)
  3. what the fuck is going on
  4. what's the legend of the doctor like to everyone else in the universe????? what do ppl think of them??? r they a hero or r ppl Scared???



|

**friendlythedalek**

  1. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!
  2. THE DOCTOR ACCIDENTALLY SAVED ME FROM DALEKS TRYING TO KILL ME AND I RECOGNISED HER AS A QUEEN TOUCHED BY THE TIMELESS CHILD
  3. EARTH IS BEING INVADED BY HEATHENS THAT MUST BE EXTERMINATED. ALSO TIME IS UNRAVELLING BUT IT IS ALL SETTLED
  4. THE DOCTOR IS FEARED THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE. THEY ARE THE BEAST OF TRENZALORE, THE BUTCHER OF SKULL MOON, THE SHADOW OF THE VALEYARD, THE LONELY GOD, THE IMP OF THE PANDORICA, THE DOCTOR OF WAR. THEY ARE A HERO AND WE QUIVER IN FEAR OF THEM



**badwolf**

how can daleks love??

|

**friendlythedalek**

BY HATING THE IDEA OF HATING

|

**badwolf**

ok cool thanks

**Sbidertrans**

Is the plot ever going to progress or are we just stuck in the middle of an invasion

|

**friendlythedalek**

SPOILERS. BUT I CAN SAY THAT THE PLOT WILL PROGRESS THIS CHAPTER

|

**Impossible_Girl**

Lmao rip the 4th wall it never stood a chance

**Nilsjg**

Is there a reason the doctor will be the queen of the daleks.

|

**friendlythedalek**

THE DALEKS WILL RECOGNISE THE POWER OF THE DOCTOR AND WILL WORSHIP HER AS OUR QUEEN

**ArchaeologyRocks**

How do we know we can trust you?

|

**friendlythedalek**

I AM A DALEK SO YOU MUST USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, WHICH THE HUMAN RACE SADLY LACKS

|

**TheSexyBitch**

sister SNAPPED

**Yuagaming**

bRuh what the fuck is this shit

|

**friendlythedalek**

I APOLOGISE, I DO NOT KNOW THE TERM “BRUH”. IS THIS RELEVANT TO THE APOCALYPSE?

**DoctorWho_BBCA**

How can this world even exist?

|

**friendlythedalek**

THE READERS LIKE IT

**TheSexyBitch**

thanks for doing this ama, very sexy of you ;) should i date a dalek?

|

**friendlythedalek**

IF YOU SO WISH, BUT YOU WILL PROBABLY BE EXTERMINATED

|

**TheSexyBitch**

kinky!

**MarthaJones**

When will this invasion be over

|

**friendlythedalek**

CHAPTER 18 OR 19 OR MAYBE 29, WHO EVEN KNOWS

**Clara**

1\. I gathered the doctor named you, do you like your name? Do you think it suits you?  
2\. How did you and your QPP meet?  
3\. What is your favourite emoji?  
4\. So you hate the Daleks, is there any alien race you like? Which one do you prefer? Would you rather be of another race?   
(Is race the right word here? I want to apologize if it isn't and I'd love to be educated)  
5\. Can I be your friend? You seem really cool <3

|

**friendlythedalek**

1\. YES, IT SUITS ME VERY MUCH! I AM FRIENDLY AND WILL EXTERMINATE EVERYONE'S UNHAPPINESS! #MAKELOVENOTWAR

2\. DALEKS WHO ARE RELEVANT TO THE PLOT ARE ABLE TO ACCESS A HIVE MIND THAT SPANS ALL OF TIME AND SPACE

3\. THE SALT SHAKER EMOJI

4\. I LIKE THE WEEPING ANGELS. THEY MAKE SOME REALLY GOOD TEQUILA. I AM FINE BEING A DALEK THOUGH. IT IS ONLY THE OTHER DALEKS THAT MUST BE EXTERMINATED. RACE IS OKAY TO USE, BUT "SPECIES" IS A BIT MORE ACCURATE

5\. OF COURSE! I WILL BEFRIEND ALL! BEFRIEND! BEFRIEND!

**yeEterpARkoUr**

ajsdhfgdsj what pronouns should we use??

|

**friendlythedalek**

THOSE OF US WHO CARE ENOUGH GENERALLY USE THEY/THEM. BUT DALEKS ARE A MINDLESS RACE, AND MANY OF THEM ARE NOT AS DEVELOPED AS ME. YOU WOULD NEED AN INTERACTION WITH AN EMPATHETIC RACE FOR THAT.

**The Apocalypse**

**FriendlyTheDalek:** THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO ASKED AMA QUESTIONS

 **RoseTyler:** i’m still trying to wrap my head around this

 **BadWolf:** they are returning

 **BillPotts:** that meme is old, move on

 **Doctor13:** that bitch old yeet

 **RyanSinclair:** what

 **GrahamOBrien:** Doctor, your attempted use of memes kills me.

 **Doctor13:** aww rip :d

 **ClaraOswald:** good lord what is that

 **Missy:** Cursed™

 **TheMaster:** Wait someone is returning??

 **Corin:** watch it be elton and ursula

 **RoseTyler:** i finna get rich

 **YazKhan:** tim shaw tim shaw tim shaw

 **Doctor13:** eww him, he’s not relevant

 **Doctor12:** No one is relevant anymore

 **RiverSong:** even me?

 **Doctor12:** Except for you sweetie

 **Nardole:** oi!

 **BillPotts:** oi!

 **ClaraOswald:** oi!

 **Doctor12:** bill and clara are relevant, nardole isn’t

 **Nardole:** so kind of you

 **MarthaJones:** that’s so sad, alexa play despacito

 **CaptainJack:** dont commit the deathpacito nardole

 **Nardole:** Dw I won’t

 **HarrietJones:** Why do you all insist on doing this during the apocalypse?

 **MadameDePompadour:** Either for the memes or for le titty

 **OswinOswald:** Oh look golden energy in the air

 **Doctor13:** wot

 **RoseTyler:** maybe go outside of the bar?? lmao

 **RiverSong:** Damn we’ve been in this bar for a few chapters already

 **RiverSong:** has anything changed??

 **CaptainJack:** well we’re on clara’s tardis chilling because the cybermen and daleks are fighting each other instead of upgrading/exterminating humanity

 **MarthaJones:** Literally still in Sheffield

 **ClaraOswald:** Locking on to you, finna go to Sheffield

 **YazKhan:** @MarthaJones is everyone in sheffield okay

 **MarthaJones:** it’s a big city but looks like no one’s gotten hurt

 **MadameVastra:** When are they returning?

 **BadWolf:** lmao end of the chapter

 **SpyMaster:** We dead ass got rid of the fourth wall

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** EXTERMINATE THE FOURTH WALL

 **BadWolf:** lmao y’all should forget the fourth wall

 **Doctor13:** ok boomer :P

 **YazKhan:** Doctor oh my god

**_< BadWolf added AmyPond and RoryWilliams>_ **

**AmyPond:** Guys the BITCH IS BACK

 **RoryWilliams:** amy please stop embarrassing me

 **RoseTyler:** gUYS THEY WERE IN CARDIFF

 **OswinOswald:** 5 feet apart bc they’re not gay

 **RoryWilliams:** but we’re not gay??

 **AmyPond:** debatable

 **MarthaJones:** YES I JUST WON THE BET

 **ClaraOswald:** fuCK I’M POOR

 **AmyPond:** rip

 **AmyPond:** anyway what’s up hoes, what’s the tea

 **Doctor12:** You were stuck in the 1930s how do you know the recent lingo

 **BillPotts:** is there such thing as ‘recent’ when you’re a time traveller

 **CaptainJack:** Probably not

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** THE DALEKS ARE STRIKING

 **RoryWilliams:** them again??

 **AmyPond:** lol another apocalypse?? cool

 **BadWolf:** the timeless child is here

 **Doctor13:** wot


	18. the ponds are probably dying inside but that's not a recent thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BillPotts: is this the doctor’s legendary group chat
> 
> RyanSinclair: yee
> 
> RyanSinclair: its our fam group chat and river
> 
> AmyPond: lmao ‘and river’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway happy valentine's day have food,,,

**The Apocalypse**

**AmyPond:** So could someone fill me in

**RoryWilliams:** yes that would be super helfpul

**Corin:** helfpul

**BillPotts:** helfpul

**ClaraOswald:** helfpul

**RoryWilliams:** thanks

**Doctor13:** GUYS I JUST REALISED MANY OF US DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER

**BillPotts:** bet

**Doctor13:** hi i’m the 13th Doctor, am woman. also: women,,

**BillPotts:** mOOD

**BillPotts:** I’m Bill Potts, traveled with the 12th Doc (?), captain of the space gays

**CaptainJack:** Hi, I’m Captain Jack Harkness ;) travelled with leather jacket and pinstripes and I’m the real leader of the space gays

**ClaraOswald:** I’m Clara Oswald. Travelled with 11 and 12 but I’ve met them all. I’m the Impossible Girl and am currently dead but alive and travelling the universe with my space gf

**Ashildr:** hi im ashildr/me, she/her pronouns, clara’s space gf

**Heather:** Heather, she/they pronouns. Bill’s space GF

**CaptainJack:** wait if we’re doing pronouns, he/him

**ClaraOswald:** she/her

**BillPotts:** she/her

**Doctor13:** she/they

**HarrietJones:** Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister. She/her.

**AmyPond:** wait really??

**RoryWilliams:** Yes, we know who you are

**HarrietJones:** Yes.

**OswinOswald:** yes, we know who you are

**OswinOswald:** damn i was lATE??

**OswinOswald:** Oswin Oswald, Junior Entertainment Manager on the Alaska! Also a Dalek lmao. She/her pronouns are fine. Hi Nina @RoryWilliams

**RoryWilliams:** asdjfh

**RoseTyler:** Nina?

**FriendlyTheDalek:** FRIENDLY THE DALEK, THEY/THEM PRONOUNS

**RoseTyler:** Rose Tyler, companion to leather jacket and pinstripes, still waiting to meet Doctor #13. She/her pronouns

**Corin:** Corin, pinstripes’ clone. He/they pronouns, Rose’s hubby <3

**RoseTyler:** <3

**ClaraOswald:** disgusting, carry on

**Doctor12:** The Doctor. He/they

**Missy:** HEY MISSY IM SO FINE I BLOW MY MIND I’M SHE/THEY! I’M SHE/THEY!

**TheMaster:** Prime Minister Saxon/The Master. He/him, please assume I am sane

**BillPotts:** lol no

**ClaraOswald:** WAIT WHAT

**RoryWilliams:** Mind = blown

**AmyPond:** shooketh

**MadameVastra:** I’m a lizard woman from the dawn of time and @Jenny is my wife. We both use she/her pronouns.

**BDSpyM:** The Master, he/him pronouns

**Jabe:** i’m a tree. she/her

**MarthaJones:** ok interesting

**MarthaJones:** Martha, doctor, she/her

**AmyPond:** Ok I think we can stop here, we’ll just ask people who they are if they’re that interested

**RoseTyler:** amy literally put her phone down 

**BillPotts:** rip

**RoryWilliams:** been there, done that

**ClaraOswald:** ?

**RoryWilliams:** have died about 29348593485 times

**AmyPond:** Yeah he dies like every day lmao

**CaptainJack:** whoaaaa hol up

**Death Experiencers Against Dying**

**_< CaptainJack added AmyPond and RoryWilliams>_ **

**AmyPond:** whoa what is this??

**CaptainJack:** it’s for people who have died

**ClaraOswald:** Which is a lot of us

**RiverSong:** Oh look, the parental units

**BillPotts:** sorry the what

**RoryWilliams:** River is our daughter

**ClaraOswald:** … i’m assuming this is a time thing

**AmyPond:** yep

**LyndaMoss:** Anyone else ever feel like their life is less and less sane

**ClaraOswald:** yep

**BillPotts:** since the doctor? yes

**CaptainJack:** lmao my life was never sane to begin with

**RiverSong:** Neither was mine

**AmyPond:** Are you implying that you were insane from the moment you were born

**RiverSong:** yes

**RoryWilliams:** to be fair amy you gave birth to her after being kidnapped by the psycho church

**BillPotts:** the what

**HarrietJones:** That’s a story I’d like to hear, if you’re comfortable telling it.

**RiverSong** : Well basically there’s a question that the Doctor had to answer, the church wanted to silence him to prevent the apocalypse on the planet Trenzalore so they kidnapped Mum to use me as a psychopath to kill the Doctor

**RiverSong:** lmao they failed

**CaptainJack:** that’s… intense

**ClaraOswald:** I’m sorry

**RiverSong:** No need to be! They got what was coming to them

**LyndaMoss:** That’s so sad, Alexa play Despacito

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** guYS i just realised it’s valentine’s day!!! 

**Doctor13:** happy valentine’s day!!!

**CaptainJack:** happy valentine’s day ;)

**RoseTyler:** Happy Valentine’s Day, Doctor!

**YazKhan:** AKSDF HAPPY DALEKTINE’S DAY SDOFIGBV ROFL

**RyanSinclair:** ah yes the cyberwhiskey

**RyanSinclair:** anyway happy valentines day

**RiverSong:** Get off your phone, sweetie, we’re celebrating ;)

**CaptainJack:** yessss get it

**RiverSong:** oh i will

**Doctor13:** aksdjfghfdjsakASDJFH

**RoseTyler:** ;)

**GrahamOBrien:** Hold on

**_< GrahamOBrien added AmyPond and 1 other>_ **

**AmyPond:** @GrahamOBrien thanks

**RoryWilliams:** Cheers mate

**RoseTyler:** Should we just get all of the Doctor’s past friends here

**CaptainJack:** yessss

**_< CaptainJack added MarthaJones and 2 others>_ **

**ClaraOswald:** whoaaa

**BillPotts:** is this the doctor’s legendary group chat

**RyanSinclair:** yee

**RyanSinclair:** its our fam group chat and river

**AmyPond:** lmao ‘and river’

**YazKhan:** wELCOME TO THE FAM!

**MarthaJones:** omg

**RiverSong:** @RyanSinclair excuse me

**CaptainJack:** ooh new people ;)

**RoryWilliams:** no

**AmyPond:** ;)

**RoryWilliams:** Amy you’re married

**AmyPond:** i know ;)

**AmyPond:** come join me for a valentine’s celebration ;)

**RoseTyler:** aww all the couples

**RoseTyler:** ya horny little shits

**GrahamOBrien:** Weren’t you and Corin doing stuff earlier

**ClaraOswald:** oof

**BillPotts:** R i P

**MarthaJones:** I’m going to get so much notifications from this

**CaptainJack:** honey we both know you get more from the Doctor thirst chat

**MarthaJones:** Don’t expose us on her chat!!!

**RiverSong:** ooh, a doctor thirst chat?

**CaptainJack:** yes

**AmyPond:** I would like in

**RoseTyler:** me too

**RoryWilliams:** what exactly do you do in the doctor thirst chat

**ClaraOswald:** thirst after the doctor

**RoryWilliams:** It was 2012 for us when we got trapped in time, I don’t know all the lingo

**AmyPond:** smh you should’ve researched like me

**RoryWilliams:** I had more important things to do,, like making sure we don’t meet our past selves or the Weeping Angels

**RoseTyler:** wait why would we meet your past selves??

**RoryWilliams:** I guarded amy in a box for 2k years

**CaptainJack:** kinky

**AmyPond:** aksdjfhgds

**YazKhan:** let me guess someone killed her, the box was the only way to keep her safe until she could be restored, and time was falling apart or smthn

**RoryWilliams:** i…. yes actually

**YazKhan:** AKSDJFHGDS

**YazKhan:** this is the second time i’ve guessed something correctly!!!

**ClaraOswald:** she somehow guessed my echoes correctly!!

**Doctor13:** whoa

**RyanSinclair:** echoes?

**AmyPond:** ^^^

**RoryWilliams:** ^^^

**LyndaMoss:** ^^^

**RiverSong:** ^^^

**BillPotts:** lmao yall in for a real treat

**ClaraOswald:** basically the great intelligence tried to destroy the doctor’s timeline on trenzalore, so i jumped in and saved their lives and lived like 2349583299345 lives

**ClaraOswald:** so hi nina @RoryWilliams

**RoryWilliams:** wait oswin??

**ClaraOswald:** yes but no

**CaptainJack:** ah yes the neverending enigma

**BillPotts:** TURN AROUND

**BillPotts:** LOOK AT WHAT YOU SEEEEEEEEEEEE

**ClaraOswald:** IN HER FACE

**ClaraOswald:** THE MIRROR OF YOUR DREAAAAAAAAAMSSSSS

**GrahamOBrien:** Make believe I’m everywhere, given in the light

**RoseTyler:** written on the pages is

**MarthaJones:** the answer to a neverending story

**AmyPond:** AHHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHH

**CaptainJack:** it was good and then amy made that demonic noise

**AmyPond:** i will literally kill you

**CaptainJack:** lmao

**ClaraOswald:** lol

**BillPotts:** alsiuf rip

**RoryWilliams:** she will

**RoseTyler:** lol

**AmyPond:** why do none of you take us seriously

**RiverSong:** spoilers

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**BDSpyM:** lmao what are the daleks and cybermen even doing

**ScaryPoppins:** the Nae Nae™

**SexySaxon:** Why did you trademark it?

**ScaryPoppins:** because i own it

**BDSpyM:** liar

**ActualPsycho:** they’re being irrelevant to the plot this chapter

**BadWolf:** I thought we were done with breaking the (fourth) wall

**ActualPsycho:** i’m river song

**BadWolf:** fair enough

**BDSpyM:** i thought you were american

**SexySaxon:** I was about to say I thought you were the Master, but then I remembered my clever ass future plan.

**ScaryPoppins:** our*

**ScaryPoppins:** this is a good communist server

**MasterBait:** consider this: no??

**SexySaxon:** Rest in fucking peace

**ActualPsycho:** how is it communist if it’s all one person

**ScaryPoppins:** good point

**ScaryPoppins:** die

**ActualPsycho:** been there, done that

**BDSpyM:** anyway. daleks. cybermen

**ScaryPoppins:** irrelevant they’re just trying to get tiktok famous

**ScaryPoppins:** but no one can beat The Sexy Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im p busy so this will be the only 'regularly' updated fic for now,, dw space gays/weeping angel origin/mcu have not been abandoned


	19. it's just another fairytale we tell ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is just another fairy tale we tell ourselves to keep us awake at night, she thinks, and then she realises that if this is the truth, then it’s not the right truth. This truth has to be a fairy tale, right? Logically, the Doctor is right: there is no possible way for Yaz to have found out on her own about River Song and Clara Oswald and Rose Tyler and all of the others, not without some kind of prompting, or without the Doctor opening up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this piece to practise characterisation (still wonky) in between writing chapters of this fic (hope to update tomorrow, been busy). this is set sometime after what's going on rn, but i haven't quite placed it on a timeline yet. all prose, no texting

The first thing Yaz Khan sees when she wakes up is the time rotor, as gold as ever, rising and falling. She gets up, rubbing her eyes. She’s confused – the last thing she remembers is an 81st century bar, taking shots with Captain Jack Harkness and River Song and Madame de Pompadour and Bill Potts and Clara Oswald – and maybe Rose Tyler and Friendly the Dalek were there – but now she’s on the TARDIS floor and they aren’t. She looks around. Maybe she passed out – maybe the rest of the Space Gays transported her to the TARDIS and the Doctor hasn’t found out yet.

And then the Doctor walks in. Yaz sighs in relief. She hadn’t gone to some fascinating alien planet without her.

‘Doctor!’ Yaz smiles. ‘Last night was a blur, hope you don’t mind that I ended up passed out on the TARDIS floor –’

‘What happened last night?’ the Doctor interjects.

Nothing seems like it’s wrong – until it does. ‘I went out for drinks, remember? With Jack? River? Clara and Bill?’

‘Don’t say those names,’ the Doctor says, and suddenly Yaz sees a whole new side of her. Dark. Brooding. Angry. Hateful. Sad. It’s so unlike the Doctor that Yaz likes to see, and there’s something terrifying about seeing her like this. Yaz takes a step back.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbles. ‘I just thought I should let you know. I’m… just gonna go to my room and ask Rose if she remembers how I ended up back here.’

The Doctor becomes lost in thought. ‘Rose…’

‘Doctor?’ Yaz asks hesitantly, stepping forward, ready to comfort her friend if necessary. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Rose Tyler was locked away in a parallel dimension with my clone,’ the Doctor says slowly, her eyebrows furrowing. She steps around the console to stand in front of Yaz, and Yaz gulps, taking a step back. Her hand reaches down her jeans, and she pats the phone in her pocket gently to ground herself. ‘So how the hell would you ask her? How do you even  _ know _ who she is?’

‘You don’t remember?’ Yaz asks. ‘The group chat you started. River Song joined, and then Jack Harkness, and then that Bad Wolf, and then Rose, then Martha, Clara, and Bill, and Amy and Rory –’

The Doctor’s pointing her sonic screwdriver at her, waving it up and down, trying to get some kind of reading out of her.

‘Stop sonicing me!’ Yaz exclaims, pushing the screwdriver down. ‘Doctor, what’s going on here?’

‘Yeah, what’s going on?’ Graham asks, stepping in. ‘You two having a scrap?’

‘Graham, stay back,’ the Doctor says. ‘I’m trying to get a reading – trying to see if Yaz has been replaced. So then what are you, eh? Zygon? Auton? Testimony avatar? Ganger?’

Yaz looks insulted. ‘I’m  _ Yasmin Khan _ , Doctor! Yaz! Your friend! The one you’ve been travelling –’

‘The real Yaz Khan wouldn’t have any clue who any of those people are! You shouldn’t know the faces of my past! River Song and Clara Oswald and Bill Potts and the Ponds and Rose Tyler and God knows  _ everyone else _ have left me! So whoever you are, you need to stop this charade, or I’ll make your life a living nightmare.’

‘I can prove it,’ Yaz says, and her voice breaks. She takes out her phone and opens it to the Messages up. Her eyes widen. All gone. The Fam chat. The Space Gays chat. The Apocalypse chat from the Cyberman-Dalek invasion. All gone. She drops her phone in shock.

The Doctor still looks on edge, sonicing her again.

‘Graham, I think my texts have been deleted – can you pull up the fam chat? Show her that River and Jack and everyone else really were there?’

Graham looks confused. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

Ryan walks in, alarmed by all the chaos in the console room. ‘What’s going on here?’

‘Stay back, Ryan. Yaz has been replaced by someone who’s done some research – but not enough to know what I’m going to do next.’

‘Ryan, show her the fam chat! The texts with River! The memes that Lynda and Jack and the Doctor sent when the Daleks invaded!’

‘Who’s River?’ Ryan asks, and Yaz’s heart breaks. This has all been a dream. A fantasy.

Graham and Ryan and the Doctor are still looking at her with looks of confusion and wariness and of anger and bitter, bitter despair. Everyone’s faces flash by in her mind – Rose’s smile, her tongue between her teeth; Jack’s charming grin, the one that assured you that he’d keep you safe while having a good time; River’s curly hair, large and full of secrets whispering, beckoning for you to come close; Clara’s determination, the self-assurance that she carried around with her; the wonder that never left Bill Potts’ face, even after all she’d been through – hell, even Friendly the Dalek’s contradictory existence, full of love where only hatred should be.

She remembers the group chat now. She remembers the 3am meme wars between her and Ryan and sometimes River or Jack that always ended up with Graham telling them to shut up, it was 3am; Rory and Martha’s constant check-ups, always reminding you that there was someone there to listen; how easily she’d bonded with all the other companions, laughing over Cyberwhiskey, letting life grab them by the hand and run.

_ The truth is just another fairy tale we tell ourselves to keep us awake at night _ , she thinks, and then she realises that if this is the truth, then it’s not the right truth. This truth has to be a fairy tale, right? Logically, the Doctor is right: there is no possible way for Yaz to have found out on her own about River Song and Clara Oswald and Rose Tyler and all of the others, not without some kind of prompting, or without the Doctor opening up.

The Doctor keeps her grip on her sonic steady as she watches Yaz, no longer with them, off in some other parallel dimension or stuck in another fragment of time. Yaz Khan, at least in her mind, is gone, replaced by someone who’s trying to get inside her head. And it’s worked – she has worked so hard to move past from losing River, from forgetting Clara, from leaving Rose, from failing Bill – and all of a sudden, all the pain has returned tenfold, as if she’s watching her family leave her forever over and over again, in every instant of time.

‘So who are you?’ she repeats, and her face is red. The Doctor means business now. ‘The game is over. Who are you? The Dream Lord? The Master?’

‘My name is PC Yasmin Khan, on probation,’ Yaz starts. ‘I’ve met them, Doctor. River, and Jack, and Clara, and Rose, and Harriet Jones, and all the others. All okay. All since Spokania. They’ve become my friends… our extended fam.’

By now, Graham and Ryan have seemed to taken the Doctor’s word for it and for one reason or the other, have left. It’s just the Doctor and Yaz now.

The Doctor notices that there are tears in her eyes – in both of their eyes. She moves to hug Yaz Khan, willing to take the risk – and it seems to pay off. Yaz wraps her arms around her, but the hug still feels awkward, and they part ways.

‘Still don’t like hugging,’ she decides. ‘It’s just another way to cover your face.’

‘So am I a Zygon or some other shapeshifting alien, or am I Yaz?’

Before Yaz can answer, she sees Cybermen serving drinks behind the console, and Clara Oswald slapping Jack Harkness across the face. She lets out a few pants –

And suddenly, the Doctor has been replaced by Rose Tyler, her face urgent –

Yaz wakes up in the bar. Rose is shaking her awake; River and Bill watch, concerned, as Yaz gets up.

‘I told you not to mix Cyberwhiskey with those damn Dalek drugs,’ Clara reprimands Jack. ‘Good for Friendly, but not Yaz.’

‘Are you okay?’ Bill asks. ‘You seemed pretty troubled while you were out.’

Yaz gets up and hugs River Song tightly, and like the hug with the Doctor, it’s awkward, and they pull away quickly – but it’s all the confirmation Yaz needs, the grounding, the reminder that  _ yes _ , this is all real.

And most importantly, the joy the Doctor has gotten from seeing her old friends back is real.

‘I just dreamed that none of this ever happened,’ Yaz says, and immediately, she’s taken out of the bar and back into her memories of the dream.

That night, after Clara has returned Yaz to the Doctor, Yaz hugs the Doctor tightly.

‘Don’t ever call me a Zygon or an Auton or a Ganger or whatever,’ Yaz says. ‘It’s real. Everything is real.’

‘Of course it is,’ the Doctor says. ‘Though do you mind if we stop the hugging? Still not a hugging person. It hides your face.’

‘I don’t think you get a vote,’ Yaz replies, and they stay there like that, and the Doctor smiles to herself, and so does Yaz.

Whatever happens next… they’ll stick together.


	20. don't give the lone cyberman what he wants!!! subscribers!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t Touch My Spaghetti: hunger games but make it asmr
> 
> The Sexy Bitch: mukbang more like murder bang
> 
> Yaz: aren’t you a ray of sunshine
> 
> Captain Charming: Watch it be 9348738293847829 hours of asmr with absolutely nothing to help stop the invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally advancing through the plot. this was so hard to sit down and write

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** who is the timeless child literally @everyone

 **CaptainJack:** heck if i know

 **RyanSinclair:** watch your fucking language captain cheesecake

 **CaptainJack:** that’s captain beefcake to you

 **ClaraOswald:** girls girls, stop fighting

 **ClaraOswald:** also sorry, doctor, but no. don’t know anything

 **RiverSong:** why don’t we ask the lone cyberman

 **RoseTyler:** wasn’t he just a streamer

 **BillPotts:** Maybe he’ll be relevant soon

 **CaptainJack:** well whatever it is, don’t give it what it wants

 **Doctor13:** aye

 **Doctor13:** also how the hell are we all going to get back together??

 **YazKhan:** probably plot

 **GrahamOBrien:** Amy, Rory, Rose, Corin, and I need to go offline to conserve battery.

 **Doctor13:** ok be safe

 **BadWolf:** don’t you people listen i literally told you that the timeless child is on this chat already. smh

 **Doctor13:** wot

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ActualPsycho:** I’m going to kill a bitch

 **ActualPsycho:** Who the fuck is the Timeless Child

 **BDSpyM:** shouldnt you know?? i mean i do

 **ActualPsycho:** No dumbass, it’s been a long time and i forgot

 **ScaryPoppins:** idk who the timeless child is but it sounds sexy ;)

 **Koschei:** why is my future insane

 **SexySaxon:** The drums the drums the drums the drums

 **ScaryPoppins:** spokania

 **MasterBait:** because you’re insane

 **Koschei:** ouch

 **BDSpyM:** she is returning

 **ActualPsycho:** ok that joke is old moveth the fuck on

 **SexySaxon:** I will kill you if you ever speak like a medieval person again.

 **ActualPsycho:** lmao tryeth me bitch

 **ActualPsycho:** and while you’re at it stop using proper english

 **SexySaxon:** I was the Prime Minister, these things take time

 **MasterBait:** sure

 **ScaryPoppins:** you sound like an english major

 **BDSpyM:** ouch imagine that

 **ActualPsycho:** worse than being a cyberman probably

 **MasterBait:** debatable

 **MasterBait:** why don’t you ask the lone cyberman?? if being an english major is worse?? they’re streaming on youtube and instagram

 **ScaryPoppins:** now why would i bother? i distinctly remember turning my past self converting my future self into a cyberman. now that was sexy

 **MasterBait:** yeah you try being converted

 **BDSpyM:** Lmao guys Earth is pretty much nothing now

 **SexySaxon:** Like my soul

 **Koschei:** you have a soul

 **MasterBait:** masterburn

 **ScaryPoppins:** so many innuendos so little time

 **BDSpyM:** wasn’t kidding when i said she is returning

 **ActualPsycho:** ehh the timeless child is more important

**YouTube Live – The Lone Cyberman**

**THE LONE CYBERMAN ASMR!**

26 February 2020 

**Live chat**

**Simon Burmann:** Everyone will be upgraded. You will become like us.

 **Doctor Disco:** stop trying to be relevant

 **BDSM Master:** the only thing that i want upgraded is my data plan

 **The Sexy Bitch:** just pirate it

 **Souffle Girl:** uhhh that’s illegal

 **The Sexy Bitch:** oh i do all sorts of illegal things

 **Don’t Touch My Spaghetti:** dhfjdsksfhdsjk

 **Don’t Touch My Spaghetti:** skdfhdsjkfhs

 **Don’t Touch My Spaghetti:** hunger games but make it asmr

 **The Sexy Bitch:** mukbang more like murder bang

 **Yaz:** aren’t you a ray of sunshine

 **Captain Charming:** Watch it be 9348738293847829 hours of asmr with absolutely nothing to help stop the invasion

 **Yeeter Parkour:** bruh

 **Adrien Agreste:** anD I OOP :3

 **Bill Potts:** the internet is cursed

 **Lynda Moss:** He’s starting!

 **Taylor Mitchell:** omg guys it’s the lone cyberman

 **Souffle Girl:** I only just realised how metal AF that name is

 **Doctor Disco:** and mine isn’t

 **Bowties are cool:** Whoa what is going on, Earth?

 **Souffle Girl:** no way

 **Souffle Girl:** it can’t be

 **Bowties are cool:** Clara?

 **SouffleGirl:** Doctor?

 **The Sexy Bitch:** ahem

 **Simon Burmann:** No emotions on this good Cyberman server

 **Ryan Sinclair:** not how the meme works but ok go off sis

 **Bill Potts:** wAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

 **Souffle Girl:** is that gallifrey??

 **Captain Charming:** Whoa whoa wait what?

 **Souffle Girl:** it’s gallifrey… and the whole planet has been destroyed

 **Simon Burmann:** Gallifrey is now under the domain of the Cybermen.

 **BDSM Master:** like hell it is

 **Lynda Moss:** i’m a bit confused

 **Bill Potts:** same here

 **Katy Sladen:** Anyone here feeling left out??

 **Hugo Warner:** yep

 **The Sexy Bitch:** Oh look some bitch destroyed Gallifrey again

 **Bowties are cool:** Wait again??

 **Souffle Girl:** spoilers

 **Bill Potts:** Oh my god the Cybermen are invading the whole damn planet

 **BDSM Master:** right, this is where it gets fun

**Apocalypse**

**ClaraOswald sent an attachment:** LoneCybermanGallifreyDestroyed.png

 **Doctor13:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Doctor13:** FIRST THE MASTER DESTROYS IT AND NOW THE CYBERMEN INVADE IT

 **CaptainJack:** who the fuck gave the lone cyberman what it wants

 **YazKhan:** none of us have met them yet??

 **RiverSong:** what does it want to begin with

 **CaptainJack:** idk. never found out

 **BillPotts:** what if it was subscribers

 **SaxonMaster:** What is happening?

 **Missy:** our sexy future self destroyed gallifrey and now the cybermen are invading

 **ClaraOswald:** what do the cybermen even want with gallifrey

 **Doctor12:** time lord tech

 **MarthaJones:** Wait, so like time travel?

 **Doctor13:** not just that

 **Doctor13:** also dimensional engineering, the crazy ass weapons we have, the secrets of time and space, nbd

 **MarthaJones:** Also I forgot to mention that the Daleks have been creating some kind of ray up in Sheffield

 **CaptainJack:** oh my god what if it’s another reality bomb

 **RyanSinclair:** a what

 **MarthaJones:** Turns reality to dust

 **TimeCrack:** silence will fall and the journey will end

 **BadWolf:** she is returning

 **Doctor13:** but rose already came back??

 **BadWolf:** a new she is returning

 **RiverSong:** oh yay fun

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** THE TRANSMAT HAS BEEN ACTIVATED

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** THE WAR FOR PLANET EARTH WILL BEGIN

 **Missy:** guys i have popcorn

 **SpyMaster:** count me in

 **Koschei:** sits in complete confusion

 **SaxonMaster:** Well I’m on my way I suppose

 **HarrietJones:** all of the aliens have been sucked into a crack in time, except for the daleks and cybermen

 **TimeCrack:** yeah, theyre being scattered through all of time and space

 **Doctor13:** bloody fucking hell

 **RyanSinclair:** doctor calm down

 **RiverSong:** She’s busy killing Daleks with Friendly

 **YazKhan:** oh look someo

 **Doctor13:** YAZ?

 **CaptainJack:** DALEKS IN TOK

 **ClaraOswald:** HOLD ON

**Twitter**

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

the aliens are gone but stay inside. this thing aint over yet

**Private Messages**

**Doctor13 → SpyMaster**

**Doctor13:** right you better tell me the truth because i’m pissed off and i’m not taking your usual bullshit

 **Doctor13:** who the hell is the timeless child?

 **SpyMaster:** One of your old friends, Doctor

 **Doctor13:** which one? 

**SpyMaster:** the one who just won’t die

 **Doctor13:** how the fuck is jack the timeless child

 **SpyMaster:** not him

 **SpyMaster:** the one who waited

 **SpyMaster:** the lone centurion

**Fam**

**YazKhan:** guys i think i slept through the invasion

 **ClaraOswald:** ??? where are you

 **YazKhan:** i’m on this alien planet with the doctors, jack, and river

 **RiverSong:** … ask the doctor what planet you’re on

 **YazKhan:** aight

 **YazKhan:** oH SHIT

 **YazKhan:** I’M ON SPOKANIA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guYS WE'RE FINALLY GETTING TO SPOKANIAAAA  
> also she is returning (yeah that's seriously back)
> 
> anyway,,, i have no idea what the hell's going on?? ive got a plot plan but my minds just making shit up now lmao. we're getting to stuff though!!!! few notes about future chapters:
> 
> 1\. we're reaching the end of the lone cyberman arc and getting close to the end of the invasion and the gallifrey arc  
> 2\. we're now getting to spokania which is going to have some major consequences  
> 3\. theres going to be a bit of prose coming (next chappie has prose) and i'm considering a couple of things for this?? namely original characters (new companions and doctors), but i'm still playing with how i want to do that


	21. we weave the tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time, before the Time Lords and yet after them, there was an Imp. The Imp thought themselves to be a defender of the universe; benevolent and kind to all who called for him. The universe felt threatened by him – from the Daleks of Skaro, to the Cybermen of Mondas, even the ancient Weeping Angels, those lost souls birthed from the very Unravelling of time itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly prose, the introduction of four doctors, and the deepening of our arcs!!! also lmao i'm disregarding the canon timeless child storyline

The Doctor looked up from her phone and up at River. The streets of New York City were frighteningly devoid of human life; Cybermen marched down Times Square, shooting at the Daleks, while the Autons made futile attempts to counter both groups. River’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.

‘Sweetie? What happened?’

It took a second for the Doctor to gather her thoughts. ‘The Timeless Child. It’s your dad. Rory.’

‘Is that what the Master told you?’ River asked.

She showed her the text conversation with the Master. River scanned it, reloading her gun. ‘So how does he play into this?’

She shrugged. ‘The Timeless Child is a legend on Gallifrey – but it’s a rubbish one. Something about the history of the Time Lords, but I didn’t pay attention to it in school.’

‘How the hell does my father play into an old Gallifreyan legend?’

* * *

Captain Jack Harkness, Clara Oswald, and the rest of the Space Gays – minus Yaz – had been transported to Sheffield. It immediately became clear that Yaz had been separated from the rest of them. Clara opened her phone to send a text asking where everyone was. It seemed that they’d been the only ones transmatted – Ryan and Lynda were with the rest of the former dead in Paris, presumably still fighting the Zygons; the Doctor and River were still in New York, stranded without the TARDIS as the Doctor’s oldest enemies stalked the city; and Rose, Graham, Corin, and the Ponds were still stuck in the Cardiff of the past.

Her typing became more and more frantic as she began texting with Yaz, who had landed on an alien planet. While she checked in with everyone else, Bill, Heather, Ashildr, the Twelfth Doctor, and Jack surveyed the area around them. Nardole and Missy were off to the side, with Nardole keeping a watchful eye on her.

‘Something happen?’ Jack asked, collecting readings around them. It appeared that the Daleks were keeping Sheffield within a breathable atmosphere, just as they’d preserved Earth’s atmosphere when they stole it all those years ago.

She looked up. Yaz had gotten offline, opting instead to go with the Doctors that were with her on Spokania. ‘It’s Yaz. Whatever brought us here didn’t bring us up here. She’s on Spokania. The big event… it’s finally happening – at least, in her timeline.’

‘City seems to be pretty clear,’ Bill said, joining them. ‘Were you able to get in touch with the Fam?’

Clara nodded. ‘Yaz is on Spokania, but everyone else seems to have stayed stationary. Are there any sign of the Cybermen or the Daleks?’

‘Nothing yet. The Daleks have been using Spokania to beam transmats down, but they haven’t done anything particularly trigger-happy.’

‘We should get into contact with Martha. Establish a base around here somewhere.’

Bill agreed, and she and Jack began making plans to figure out how they were going to proceed from there, filling in the rest of their team. Clara looked out at the city; all of Sheffield was dark, with only the Daleks’ transmat beam and the Moon providing light. She tried to summon her TARDIS, but to no avail; it appeared that the Daleks had rendered Sheffield 2020 inaccesible via TARDIS. As she and her companions carried on, she could only hope that everyone else was having better luck than them.

* * *

‘And you’re saying that since the live stream featuring Gallifrey that the Cybermen and Daleks have gone silent?’ Kate Stewart asked, monitoring the live feed of the current alien invasion.

Osgood nodded, placing a cup of coffee in front of Kate. ‘Yes, ma’am. We haven’t gotten a report concerning any new sightings of alien races, and given that the Cybermen and Daleks have invaded, very few casualties since this invasion began.’

Kate massaged her temples, refreshing her Twitter feed in search of any kind of news – any indication that this invasion was coming to an end.

And then her phone rang. Kate picked it up. The voice on the other end contained a solemness that she seldom heard from him – at least in this incarnation.

‘Kate? Kate Stewart?’

Kate stood up, beginning to pace around the room. ‘Doctor. Sorry, I’m in the middle of something. Earth invasion.’

‘I know. Daleks. Cybermen.’

‘And where the hell are you?’

The Doctor laughed bitterly on the other end. ‘I’m on this planet called Spokania. Lovely waterfalls. Snowy mountains. The endless resorts of the Crystal City. This is my past, my present, and if I’m lucky, my future, all at once.’

‘The Earth is being invaded by all of your worst enemies and you’re on a  _ vacation planet _ ?’ Kate exclaimed.

‘Not just a vacation planet. This is the beginning of everything.’

‘So why are you calling me?’

‘I need you to gather as many of my companions and past selves in that time period as you can,’ the Doctor said. ‘And I need you to give them a message.’

A chill ran up Kate’s spine. ‘What message?’

‘ _ She is returning _ ,’ the Doctor said.

Another chill. Kate had heard that phrase a few times while scrolling through Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram – all the social media platforms that she could – and always in conjunction with the Doctor and a mysterious entity called Bad Wolf.

‘I’ve heard that before,’ she said. ‘Always connected to you. Always to the Bad Wolf.’

‘Sorry, did you just say  _ Bad Wolf _ ?’ the Doctor exclaimed on the other end.

‘Yes. What does it mean?’

The Doctor had gone silent. ‘Doctor. Bad Wolf. What does it mean?’

‘The end of the universe,’ he said in horror.

* * *

Rose Tyler was stuck in the past, all of her technology from the future nearly out of energy. She was almost resigned to what appeared to be her new fate – life in the late 1930s with the Ponds, her husband, and Graham O’Brien. She laughed bitterly. She’d been pulled through the rifts of time and space, only to be separated from the Doctor – the  _ original  _ Doctor – by time instead of space.

‘Got something on your mind?’ Amy Pond asked, setting a cup of tea down in front of her. They were currently stationed in the small cottage that the Ponds had been staying in.

‘Yeah. Suppose so. It’s a bit hard to cope with being stuck in the past.’

‘Rory and I used to travel with the Doctor, you know. And then we went to New York. It was supposed to be a nice outing. Coffee. Books in Central Park. Then the Weeping Angels came, and long story short, we ended up in the 1930s, nearly half a decade before we were even born.’

‘That must have been terrible for you. Did you ever get over it?’

Amy shrugged, taking a sip of tea. ‘It took a while to adjust, but yes. Eventually.’

‘How’d you cope with being separated from him? Cos I know that if I ever lose Corin, I won’t know what to do with myself.’

‘You’ve got to make a decision for yourself some day,’ Amy said. ‘Do you choose the Doctor’s life, or do you forge a new one for yourself?’

While Amy and Rose talked about their experiences with the Doctor, Corin, Graham, and Rory’s conversation was much less personal and much more focused on figuring out how to get back to the future.

‘What was going on up there, Graham?’ Corin asked. ‘I get the whole alien invasion thing – but what started all this in the first place?’

Graham shrugged. ‘We met the Master while helping out the M16, and since then, the Doc has been chasing down this legend about the Timeless Child.’

Corin paled. ‘Sorry, did you just say the  _ Timeless Child _ ?’

‘Yeah. The Doc doesn’t share anything though, so I don’t know what it is.’

‘Get Amy and Rose,’ Corin said. ‘I’m about to tell you the legend of the Timeless Child.’

* * *

_ Once upon a time, before the Time Lords and yet after them, there was an Imp. The Imp thought themselves to be a defender of the universe; benevolent and kind to all who called for him. The universe felt threatened by him – from the Daleks of Skaro, to the Cybermen of Mondas, even the ancient Weeping Angels, those lost souls birthed from the very Unravelling of time itself. _

_ And so an alliance built by those afraid of this Imp created a box, surrounded by the constructs of the memory of the Waiting Pond. The Imp was terrified and pleaded for them to stop – to reconsider trapping him. They did not listen to him, and aliantly, they left the Imp inside this box – the Pandorica – deposited a lone guard to guard the secret of the Pandorica. The Timeless Child – a lone warrior of old times. _

_ The Timeless Child should not have existed – they existed, and they did not, and then they did both at once, all throughout time and space. They knew no age. They knew no death. They were a mysterious figure, pulled through the seams of time no matter how far they took him. Not even the Weeping Angels could prevent him from returning; he will return when time Unravels. _

_ The Timeless Child was a secret hidden in time – an eternal paradox. Though an associate of the Imp, the Timeless Child knew when to stop – and when the Imp needed to be stopped. That is why he guarded the ancient vault of the Pandorica. _

Corin looked up at Rose, Graham, Amy, and Rory, still haunted by the legend of the Timeless Child. Amy and Rory exchanged startled looks.

‘This Timeless Child,’ Rory said. ‘Did they have any other names?’

‘Yeah.  _ Thraix ad Cada Pandorica _ . From the ancient language of the High Arcadians.’

‘What’s it mean?’ Amy asked.

‘Centurion of the Pandorica.’

* * *

Yaz, Jack Harkness, River Song, the Ninth, Tenth, Eleventh, Twelfth, Thirteenth, and Fourteenth Doctors stood in a circle around a table in Spokania, poring over a live map of the area. Yaz looked between each of them nervously; she only recognised her Doctor, and vaguely, the Twelfth from his profile picture. 

‘What’s going on?’ Yaz asked, directing her attention towards the Thirteenth Doctor.

‘We’ve all been called to Spokania for some reason,’ the Tenth Doctor said. ‘Something calling us. A message. A warning.

Her Doctor massaged her temples. ‘I remember this, doing this over and over again. I did – before – but not now. Everything is different now.’

‘Sweetie,’ River said. ‘This is Spokania. his is your fate – your past, your present, your future.’

‘What does that even mean?’ Yaz said.

River smiled sadly at her. ‘Spokania is the beginning of the end.’

**Fam**

**MarthaJones:** Have locked in on the TARDIS

**CaptainJack:** We’re just missing Yaz, Rose, Corin, Graham, and the Ponds, right?

**Doctor13:** yes

**Doctor13:** wait yaz is missing???

**ClaraOswald:** spokania

**Doctor13:** oh lordy

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** @BDSpyM @SexySaxon it’s happening, we need to go to spokania

**SexySaxon:** What is Spokania?

**ScaryPoppins:** it’s the sexiest apocalypse there ever was! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnnnnn
> 
> anyway she is returning


	22. we're all in this together!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Good!’ she grinned, slipping back into a cheerful persona that everyone was able to see right through. ‘Next stop, 1930s Cardiff!’
> 
> She stroked the TARDIS, whispering to it. ‘Take us to the Ponds, old girl. Take us to our family.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how about that finale, huh?? anyway all plotty prose today

Despite the situation, the Doctor was elated to see all of her friends again (at least, most of them), all in one place. Ryan Sinclair stood next to Martha Jones, Mickey the Idiot, and Captain Jack; River winked from beside her, Clara Oswald and Bill Potts texting furiously. Lynda Moss had started a conversation with Heather and Ashildr, and the Twelfth Doctor and Nardole were occupied with keeping Missy contained to one spot. Harriet Jones, Madame de Pompadour, and Jabe were off to the side, watching all the interactions.

She cleared her throat, and everyone turned to face her. She waved, an awkward smile on her face.

‘Hi. You might not know. Well, you do, but some of you haven’t met this face yet. I’m the Doctor, and, uh… I have absolutely no idea how we’re going to get out of this. We’ve got no TARDISes, no plans, Graham and Rose and the others are stuck in 1930s Cardiff, and Yaz is on Spokania, in my future and past.’

‘We’ve got each other though,’ Bill said. ‘Between all the brains here, I’m sure we can figure something out.’

‘Let’s figure out what we’re working with first,’ the Twelfth Doctor suggested.

‘The Space Gays’ TARDIS is stuck in Tokyo,’ Clara said. ‘Still disguised as the restaurant.’

Martha looked up from her phone. ‘I’ve been tracking down the TARDIS. The Doctor’s. I’ve got it locked down.’

‘Wait, really?’

Martha merely smiled.

‘Martha Jones, you are a  _ godsend _ ,’ the Doctor grinned.

* * *

While Corin and Rory discussed the ramifications of the legend of the Timeless Child, Amy told Rose and Graham about the adventures of her past.

‘Rory died multiple times,’ she said. ‘The first time he died, he got erased from time, and then he came back, and then the Doctor rebooted the universe so his nonexististence never happened to begin with.’

Rose gaped. ‘And I thought taking in the Time Vortex was complicated.

‘Sorry, I’m a bit confused. What’s the Time Vortex? How did the Doc reboot the universe?’

‘Well, he flew the Pandorica right into the exploding TARDIS –’

‘The what in the  _ what _ ?’ Rose exclaimed.

Amy shrugged. ‘Really complicated. You had to have been there.’

Someone knocked on the doorframe, and the trio looked up. Corin and Rory looked grim.

‘What’s happening?’ Rose asked cautiously.

Corin smiled tensely. ‘You might want to see this. Something from Amy and Rory’s past.’

* * *

The TARDIS materialised in the middle of the small room that everyone had been gathered in. The Doctor grinned, tears forming in her eyes. It had been too long since she’d last seen her beautiful Ghost Monument. The room silent, the Doctor stepped towards it, resting her hand on the wooden doors.

‘Looks like not even the Daleks can separate a girl from her box, eh?’ she smiled, opening the door. She whirled around, facing her fam – both past and present. ‘Ready?’

‘Always,’ Clara said. Bill and Martha nodded.

River smirked knowingly. ‘Am I going to love it, sweetie?’

Her wife grinned back. ‘You’re going to love it.’

The Doctor led the way into the TARDIS, Clara and River right behind her. The rest of her fam entered the TARDIS. She leaned against the console and smiled as she watched her fam look around her latest console in wonder. Bill turned to her.

‘It’s like…’

‘A kitchen?’

‘No! More like a time machine. A proper time machine!’

Clara whirled around to face Bill. ‘Oi! Twelve’s TARDIS was like a proper time machine too.’

The Doctor shared a knowing smile with her past face. River clapped, getting everyone’s attention – even Missy, who had been busy on her phone trying to figure out a way to reunite with her past and future selves on Spokania.

‘Sweetie,’ River said, facing the Thirteenth Doctor. ‘As lovely as this reunion is, we have more pressing matters. The Daleks?’

‘Oh! Right!’ the Doctor said. ‘We need to pick up Rose, Corin, Graham, and the Ponds from past Cardiff, and then we need to figure out a way past the anti-TARDIS block on this time and place, and defeat the Daleks. And Cybermen, and whoever else the hell is, and deal with the Masters,  _ and _ figure out what Rory has to do with the destruction of the Gallifrey. Any questions?’

‘What about Yaz?’ Ryan asked. ‘We can’t just leave her in Spokania.’

The Doctor’s face fell, a sad, cold look crossing it. A chill fell upon the room, ancient and undying. ‘I’m sorry, Ryan. But Spokania is a very fixed point in time. We take Yaz out, and reality could fall apart. Any other questions?’

Silence.

‘Good!’ she grinned, slipping back into a cheerful persona that everyone was able to see right through. ‘Next stop, 1930s Cardiff!’

She stroked the TARDIS, whispering to it. ‘Take us to the Ponds, old girl. Take us to our family.’

* * *

‘Hello again, old friend,’ Amy Pond said, bending down in front of the crack in time, examining it. Voices streamed from the crack, echoing the Doctor’s past, present, and future. A young woman Rory recognised as Oswin Oswald telling the Doctor to let her be brave, the caw of a raven claiming her life; a young woman Corin recognised with a pang of pain in his heart protesting the removal of her memories. The voice of a young man, seemingly innocent with his hearts broken, utterly lost and alone; the Doctor, shocked as she came face to face with a face she couldn’t remember being. A million beats in time and space, all echoed through a rip in the seams of time.

Rose joined her on the floor, delicately running her hand across the wall around the crack. ‘What is this?’

‘Someone cracked time by exploding the Doctor’s TARDIS,’ Amy said, remembering all the cracks in time she’d seen. She looked up at Corin. ‘How did this get here?’

He shrugged. ‘I heard it while Rory and I were talking about the Timeless Child.’

‘I don’t understand,’ Rory said, running his hand through his hair. ‘I thought the Doctor got rid of these.’

‘Obviously not,’ Rose said.

‘So then how can it be here?’

From behind them, the TARDIS began materialising. All five of them whirled around, Rose and Corin’s eyes aglow with the excitement of family about to reunite after years of separation.

The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. ‘Excellent question, Mr Pond. How can a crack in time that I’ve closed twice exist?’

The Doctor’s companions stepped out of the TARDIS, quickly filling the small living room that the five had been in. Amy and Rory spotted River Song almost instantly, rushing to her and pulling her to them, unwilling to let go. Tears flowed down her eyes. Martha and Mickey saw Corin and immediately set about checking on him, making sure that life with Rose was as blissful as it seemed that it would be for him. Rose and Jack shared a hug, finally reunited, while Ryan and Graham embraced tearfully. The Twelfth Doctor, his companions, and Missy stayed to the side, allowing everyone else to reunite.

The Doctors pulled away from their respective old friends, filling each other in on everything that was going on. Rose, Martha, and the rest of the Doctor’s companions formed a circle.

‘So what’s going on here?’ Bill asked.

Amy grimaced. ‘The Weeping Angels sent Graham, Rose, and Corin back in time to here, and now the cracks in time are open again.

‘Like the one on Trenzalore?’ Clara asked.

‘You’ve been to  _ Trenzalore _ ?’ Rose exclaimed.

‘Yeah. How do you know about it?’

‘Corin told me about it. It’s supposed to be his final resting place, right?’

‘ _ Resting place _ ?’ Jack, Martha, and Rory exclaimed.

‘Yeah,’ Clara said. ‘But I convinced the Time Lords to give him a whole new set of regenerations.’

Everyone who’d travelled with the Doctor before Clara gasped. ‘The  _ Time Lords _ ?’

‘Aren’t they supposed to be dead?’ Rory asked.

‘Not anymore,’ Missy drawled.

‘So what’s going on back in the present?’ Amy asked.

‘Dalek invasion,’ Bill said. ‘And there are Cybermen.’

‘Oh, joy,’ Rory muttered darkly.

The Doctor clapped her hands, calling their attention away from their discussion. She’d put her game face on. It was time to figure out how to do the impossible.

‘Right, so we’ve got the Ponds, Rose, Corin, and Graham back, but we’ve got no way back to 2020. Any ideas?’

The silence that fell might make you think that the Doctor had died.

‘Seriously? No one has any ideas?’ Thirteen asked in disbelief.

‘Why can’t we get back to 2020?’ Corin asked.

Twelve frowned. ‘Anti-TARDIS protections. Clever use of Time Lord technology.’

‘Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the Master has destroyed Gallifrey and that the Daleks and Cybermen have raided the whole damn place.’

‘Turns out BDSM does more than complain about hentai,’ Missy muttered under her breath. Bill stifled a giggle.

‘That applies to our TARDIS too, doesn’t it?’ Ashildr asked.

‘Yep,’ Clara said. ‘So we can’t take that –  _ wait _ , what if we could? And in the process break time just a bit more?’

‘How do you mean, break time a bit more?’ Rose asked.

‘What if we went back in time to before we went to Earth 2020, stowed aboard my TARDIS, and hitched a ride to 2020 Tokyo?’

‘Then how are we gonna defeat the Daleks? The power of God and anime?’ Missy asked dryly.

The Doctor grinned. ‘We’ve defeated them with less before.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gangs back together again!! but can they get out of THIS mess???? who knows?? anyway she is returning


	23. you probably need a flowchart to navigate this spokanian nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ImABillever: on an unrelated note, do you ever just get the urge to protecc someone
> 
> ChaoticChaotic: also a reminder that i am not a child :))))
> 
> OfficerBi: wot
> 
> OfficerBi: sorry just had to channel my inner 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand this chapters a doozy!!! some prose, some texting, and nEW OCs??? WHAT????? what even is this
> 
> just a fair warning, this chapter just. jumps throughout everyone's timestreams, it's reallllly insane

The TARDIS materialised inside of Clara Oswald’s TARDIS in a place Clara knew her past self would never look. Madame de Pompadour and Harriet Jones – who along with Jabe had elected to stay in the TARDIS while their friends reunited – stepped out, looking around before turning back to face the TARDIS travellers. ‘The coast is clear.’

As quietly as a group of God knows how many people could possibly be, the TARDIS team snuck out, just as Clara’s TARDIS dematerialised from wherever they’d picked up Bill and Heather.

‘When we get there, we’ll be in the past, _before_ the transmat, chapters ago,’ Bill whispered. ‘How are we going to get back to the future? To where we need to go?’

‘No idea,’ Thirteen said. ‘But we need to get back ASAP. Our future selves are probably going to come back as soon as they can.’

‘Damn, didn’t think about that,’ Clara said.

‘Plan?’ Jack asked.

‘We get in, we make do, we kick arse,’ Thirteen decided. ‘Just like we always do.’

They stepped forward through the TARDIS, determined to kick some alien arse.

* * *

Yaz sat alone on a bench in the Pleasant Trails resort in Spokania where the Doctors had met up. She was joined by a boy that couldn’t be more than eighteen or nineteen clad in a hoodie and a shirt advertising a tour for ‘Missy and the Sexy Bitches’. He seemed rather cool considering everything that was going on, fidgeting with what seemed to be the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver.

‘Did you nick that from her?’ she asked.

‘Nick what from who?’ he asked innocently, pointing the screwdriver at an event display board, changing the message to say ‘BOWTIES ARE COOL’.

‘The sonic. From the Doctor.’

He shrugged. ‘Same software, different case.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means Yaz – I can still call you that, right? We’re still friends, right? Anyway – means that this is my sonic. Can’t really nick something from yourself, right? Well, unless it belongs to a different face. Then you can. But it isn’t, so I didn’t.’

Yaz found herself unable to keep up with the kid’s rambling. ‘Who are you? And how do you know my name?’

‘I’m your future. I’m – Peter. Peter… Tennant. Yeah. Peter Tennant. Can’t really tell you more though. Spoilers.’

Yaz regarded Peter with an unconvinced look. ‘Is the Doctor really so irresponsible that you could just nick the sonic from her?’

‘I told you – I’m from your future. Spoilers.’

‘Just like River Song,’ she muttered under her breath.

‘What about River Song?’ River Song asked, walking out into the hallway, spotting Yaz and Peter on the bench.

‘Spoilers,’ she said.

‘Yaz here was just asking how I know her,’ Peter said cheerfully. Yaz glared at him.

‘Oh, now _that_ is a spoiler,’ River smiled.

Captain Jack peeked out of a door. ‘The Doctors have booked a suite. You ready?’

River grinned. ‘Let’s get this bread!’

At Yaz’s side, Peter grimaced. ‘You okay, Peter?’

‘This is the beginning of everything. My whole past leads up to this. But the way it happens… I need to find a way out of it, because I can’t do it.’

**Space Gays™**

**ChaoticChaotic:** yall spokania is happening

 **ImmortalAndGay:** YEET LET’S GET THIS BREAD

 **ImABillever:** WHEN WILL WE FIND OUT WHAT IT IS

 **OfficerBi:** lmao imagine not being there for it

 **SpaceBicon:** lol imagine not being there for the apocalypse

 **OfficerBi:** iM SORRY IF I GOT TELEPORTED OUT OF TIME-

 **ChaoticChaotic:** stop fighting

 **HelloBenjamin:** yall heard him

 **LeTitty:** You did miss our fun time travel shenanigans

 **MayorMe:** i’m just surprised we didnt encounter ourselves

 **LizardLesbian:** Don’t feel out, Ms Khan, we also missed out on this invasion by living in Victorian England.

 **ImmortalAndGay:** @ChaoticChaotic they’re asking where you are

 **ChaoticChaotic:** remind them that i am literally a child :))))

 **HelloBenjamin:** that makes dynamics so much more awkward

 **ImABillever:** on an unrelated note, do you ever just get the urge to protecc someone

 **ChaoticChaotic:** also a reminder that i am not a child :))))

 **OfficerBi:** wot

 **OfficerBi:** sorry just had to channel my inner 13

 **HippieDalek:** SPOKANIA HAS BEGUN, LET THE CHAOS BEGIN AND TIME UNRAVEL AGAIN

 **BadWolf:** she is returning

 **SpacebIcon:** damn we really never get past a plot

 **ChaoticChaotic:** hey i have my own plots now!!

 **OfficerBi:** when do we get to meet your new best friend???

 **ChaoticChaotic:** when yall promise not to make any more babysitting jokes

 **AmyPand:** never

**sExIeSt goUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** y’all we were supposed to go to spokania DURING the invasion but ig we’ll go now

 **BDSpyM:** sorry i was too busy being a chaotic bastard and eyefucking 13

 **SexySaxon:** Disgusting

 **ActualPsycho:** most of us were eyefucking 13, sweetie

**_< GameMaster joined the chat.>_ **

**BDSpyM:** whoa who are you

 **GameMaster:** you but cooler

 **ScaryPoppins:** honey i know you think you’re the shit but you’re not

 **GameMaster:** ok missy you do you

 **SexySaxon:** Damn, they’re cool

 **GameMaster:** but hAH joke’s on you you’re actually doing me

 **MasterBait:** that sounded…. really wrong

 **BDSpyM:** wait so which one are you @GameMaster

 **GameMaster:** the one right after you :)

 **SexySaxon:** Wait, but I thought that was @ActualPsycho.

 **ActualPsycho:** i said after bdsm, not right after bdsm

 **ActualPsycho:** check your facts sweetie

 **SexySaxon:** You’re really suspicious.

 **ActualPsycho:** whatever helps you sleep at night

 **ScaryPoppins:** crack

 **GameMaster:** are we talking cracks in time or just. general fanfic insanity

 **ScaryPoppins:** no, the drug

 **GameMaster:** ah yes

 **GameMaster:** anyway gotta blast, have a little nerd to bother

 **SexySaxon:** ahh the good old days

 **GameMaster:** i’m older than you

 **SexySaxon:** ok zoomer

* * *

After spending a few chapters’ worth of time waiting to catch up with the timelines, it was finally time to initiate phase two of their plan. Their plan had worked – they’d made sure that they never encountered the Space Gays of the past while they’d still been in Tokyo, and now, they were in sync. Clara and Bill monitored the screen, while the Doctors, Rose, Jack, and River tried to come up with a plan of attack back in the Doctor’s TARDIS.

‘Have you ever had an adventure of this proportion?’ Madame de Pompadour asked Amy, gazing through one of the screens on the Space Gays’ TARDIS.

‘Kinda,’ she said. ‘Does all of time and space collapsing around you count? Because that happened to me twice.’

‘Perhaps,’ Reinette mused. ‘It’s interesting. To have been transplanted from your time to another time, one so radically different… it’s quite an adjustment.’

Amy laughed. ‘It is, isn’t it?’

‘You too have been displaced in time?’

‘Yeah,’ she said, looking out at stars that she’d once travelled, space she’d once walked. ‘My husband and I were sent back in time by these things called Weeping Angels, and, well, we lived in the 1930s until today.’

‘But that’s the path of the Doctor, right? Travel ceaselessly throughout the stars, never stopping, even when the stories of the people they run with end. The fast path, as venomous a serpent.’

Amy smiled sadly. ‘And one day, it’s going to bite them in the arse, isn’t it? Just like it did for all of us.’

They looked out the window as the stars went by. Amy was shaken out of her thoughts as Clara called out.

‘We’ve got company!’

Like clockwork, Martha, Mickey, Ashildr, Heather, and Rory retrieved weapons from the arms room on Clara’s TARDIS, ready to fight their way through the Daleks of Tokyo. They knew very little of the plan, but they needed a way to get up to the Daleks’ base, defeat them, and then move on to Gallifrey to stop the Master and the Cybermen. Easier said than done – especially since time was unravelling, Yaz was in Spokania, impossible to reach, and their entire reality was in complete and utter chaos. Amy rushed to her husband, pulling him into a kiss, resting her hand on his.

‘Be safe for me, will you? You’re not immortal.’

Rory smiled sadly at her. ‘Can’t guarantee it, but I’ll try my best. I’ll come back to you. I promise.’

And as they went out into the fallen streets of Tokyo, a dreadful and familiar feeling overtook her, like the cold hand of death gripping her shoulder tightly. She hadn’t felt this in years.

It was the fear that this would be their last adventure together.

**Companion Chatroom**

**GrahamOBrien:** Any news on the Doc?

 **CaptainJack:** 9-14 on Spokania. 9-11 and 13 involved in the Big Bang; 14 won’t for sure, and 12 is debating it

 **RoseTyler:** sorry the big what?

 **CaptainJack:** it’s a euphemism

 **YazKhan:** is past!me with 14 yet?

 **RiverSong:** maybe?

 **MarthaJones:** damn and i thought the cyber-dalek war was intense

 **AmyPond:** But they’re okay, right

 **CaptainJack:** yeah

 **CaptainJack:** anyway any recommendations as to how we should surprise the doctors?

 **BillPotts:** wdym

 **CaptainJack:** they’re all going to be rlly depressed after this

 **CaptainJack:** nine hasn’t met rose yet, ten just left after the stolen earth, eleven just lost the ponds, twelve just lost river, thirteen just lost the fam, and fourteen’s just. really lost

 **RoseTyler:** What if there was a way to bring back all of their old friends

 **MarthaJones:** donna

 **RiverSong:** now that’s a whole new animal

 **RyanSinclair:** im not too aware of who these people are but if it makes the doc happy then you should go for it

 **YazKhan:** she never really said much about who she missed

 **YazKhan:** but just based on who we met i think i know who yall bring back

 **RoryWiliams:** wait before we proceed. are timelines in sync

 **CaptainJack:** yes

 **MarthaJones:** i think so yeah

 **YazKhan:** this is my past and my present i suppose?? its really complicated

 **RiverSong:** same here. it’s all very timey wimey

 **CaptainJack:** we finally get to find out what went down in spokania, yeah

 **RoseTyler:** YESSSS

 **ClaraOswald:** Oh, I know what happens ;)

 **ClaraOswald:** it’s about to get a hell lot more complicated ;)

**Fam**

**Doctor14:** why do you all keep insisting on meeting my new best friend

 **Doctor13:** I want to know if my future’s in good hands!

 **RiverSong:** why are you all texting we’re literally in the same place

 **LyndaMoss:** wait, what’s going on

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** TO PUT IT SIMPLY, TIMEY WIMEY CONFUSION

 **RoseTyler:** mood

 **OswinOswald:** sexy!

 **ClaraOswald:** someone remind me why we kept her

 **Doctor13:** she helped us defeat the daleks, ‘member?

 **Doctor12:** Stop using dumb slang

 **YazKhan:** oi @Doctor13 when are you making a chat that’s for JUST our lil group of people?

 **Doctor13:** when my master makes one

 **Doctor13:** damn that sounded wrong

 **RiverSong:** gotta put the ‘m’ in ‘bdsm’

 **RoseTyler:** oh my god

 **RoseTyler:** alSO when are 9-11 coming???

 **Doctor14:** hell if i know

 **GrahamOBrien:** Wouldn’t you remember though?

 **Doctor14:** i’ve lived 93485739586 lives mate

 **Doctor14:** hell if i remember them

 **BadWolf:** she is returning

 **Doctor14:** god you scared me

 **Doctor14:** haven’t heard that phrase in a long time

 **Doctor13:** wot

 **RoseTyler:** wait she hasn’t returned yet???

 **LyndaMoss:** who is she?????

 **AmyPond:** probably the next major plot point of this fanfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway we're doing like 92345943345 plots now at once yippee kiddies sdjfdsjfds
> 
> lemme know if there are any plot inconsistencies that i missed (there probably are). hopefully the chat timeline made sense, but if it didn't, spoilers: its all set AFTER the cyber-dalek invasion. the yaz on the chat is the FUTURE version of her; the past version of her is currently on spokania, which is in the future of everyone in the invasion arc. complicated, yeah???


	24. in which the doctor appears to save his own arse (multiple times)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RoryWilliams: should i be concerned that there are posters advertising a dalek church
> 
> ClaraOswald: oh my god are there actual dalek heathens
> 
> FriendlyTheDalek: YES
> 
> MadameDePompadour: Everything about this situation is strange. Perhaps this was a trap?
> 
> Doctor12: Well it’s not a very good one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic rlly is going everywhere isnt it

Quite miraculously, their plan was working. Clara, Twelve, Thirteen, and River had managed to lock onto the Daleks’ transmat system, enabling transport to the Daleks’ base above the Earth. Rose quickly checked her Twitter account, sending out a few tweets to let her followers know what was going on, tagging a few of those accounts that had been helpful in spreading information – including that spider guy and the animal superheroes in Paris.

‘Get ready, people!’ Clara announced. ‘The TARDISes are about to get transmatted!’

A beam of light hit the TARDIS, and it seemed to disintegrate; in reality, it had been transported to the massive Dalek mothership hovering above the planet. Everyone steeled themselves: this was it. This was the beginning of the battle that everything had been moving towards. The Doctor shared a meaningful look with Rose and Martha; the last time this had happened, Davros and the Daleks had been gearing towards deploying their ultimate weapon: the Reality Bomb. Now, they were faced with yet another reality-threatening battle.

Finally, the TARDIS landed on the mothership, and they all filed out, with Harriet and Jabe staying behind, less inclined to fight.

They ended up clumping together in small groups, sticking with the allies most familiar to them. Amy and Rory ended up grouping with Friendly the Dalek, Graham and Ryan, who were with Thirteen and River. Corin, Rose, Lynda, Reinette, Jack, Martha, and Mickey formed quite the formidable team. 

The last team, however, was a much more awkward experience. It was clear from the way Twelve could only see Clara as the waitress from the American diner that he did not remember her, despite his anomalous presence there. It made Clara wonder – how could Thirteen recognise her if Twelve couldn’t? Just based on her observations alone, this Twelve had already faced the end of his journey – so when were his precious memories of Clara Oswald restored?

These thoughts plagued her as Twelve lead them down a corridor in search of Daleks, practically itching for a fight. She could hear more action from elsewhere, Friendly’s voice commanding as it travelled a short distance from Thirteen’s group to theirs, calling for the extermination of the Dalek heathens.

Clara briefly wondered if this would last – this new arrangement, with the Doctors of the past combined with the Doctors of the present, and his companions acquainted with one another. She supposed that in another reality, perhaps in the world beyond the fourth wall River had alluded to once or twice, and always in relation to strange names such as ‘Davies’ and ‘Moffat’ and ‘Chibnall’, that this wasn’t happening; that their realities had ended the moment their travels with their respective Doctors ended. In this alternate reality, she wondered, what happened to all of them? Was Rose Tyler forever on the other side of the void with Corin? Was she resigned to travelling all of time and space with Ashildr, with no Space Gays? Were the Ponds forced to live their lives before they were even born?

Before Clara could even begin to explore the ideas (and possibly get exterminated thanks to a lack of attention), a crack in time opened, spitting out a married couple and their son. Clara didn’t recognise them, but based on the grin that crossed Twelve’s face, he did.

‘As I was saying, Rose will –’ the mother whirled around and saw the Doctor standing there, grinning like a madman. ‘Who the hell are you? And where the hell am I?’

‘It’ll come to you, just give it a moment.’

Realising who he was, Jackie Tyler’s eyes widened, and she gave him a slap in the face.

‘That never gets old.’

‘You’re him, aren’t you? The Doctor?’

‘As I live and die.’

‘Oh, I’ll show you death if you don’t tell me where Rose is.’

‘Safe! With the other Doctor! And Jack, and all the others!’

‘Really?’ Jackie said, as if this were some sort of cosmic inside joke.

‘Yes. Now get out of my way, we’re hunting Daleks.’

‘Of course you are. Come here, you plum.’

As Jackie Tyler gave Twelve a reunion kiss – completely platonic, mind you – Clara Oswald briefly wondered which Doctor had the brilliant idea to travel with Rose Tyler’s middle-aged mum.

**Apocalypse**

**Corin:** anyone found anything??

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** I HAVE FOUND MY QPP RUSTY, AS WELL AS OSWIN OSWALD, WHO HAS BEEN RESORTED

 **ClaraOswald:** oh god no

 **ClaraOswald:** also @RoseTyler the crack in time just spit out your family

 **TimeCrack:** you’re welcome

 **Doctor12:** Why did no one tell me that young Tony was not a complete pudding brain

 **Doctor13:** stop insulting species

 **Missy:** i’m Bored

 **SpyMaster:** rip you

 **SexySaxon:** God Missy just stay put. We’re already on our way.

 **MarthaJones:** and to think i thought this would be a fun apocalyptic adventure

 **AmyPond:** since when is the apocalypse fun

 **Missy:** since i made it SEXY

 **RiverSong:** that joke is old already

 **Missy:** like you

 **RiverSong:** ok boomer

 **RyanSinclair:** damn she really went there

 **LyndaMoss:** why aren’t there any daleks here??

 **HarrietJones:** she’s right

 **HarrietJones:** No Daleks are registering on the TARDIS’ scanners

 **RoseTyler:** that doesn’t make sense

 **RoseTyler:** the daleks?? abandoning their own mothership?? in this economy

 **Doctor13:** you’re right. we need to get to the bottom of this

 **RoryWilliams:** should i be concerned that there are posters advertising a dalek church

 **ClaraOswald:** oh my god are there actual dalek heathens

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** YES

 **MadameDePompadour:** Everything about this situation is strange. Perhaps this was a trap?

 **Doctor12:** Well it’s not a very good one

 **Nardole:** considering we don’t know what we’re doing, i’d think it’s a fairly good one, sir

 **Doctor12:** no

 **Doctor12:** because if there’s one thing you never put in a trap…  
 **Corin:** even if your life depends on it…

 **Doctor13:** tis me bitches

 **MarthaJones:** it was ominous until she said ‘tis me bitches’

 **CaptainJack:** my country tis of thee sweet land of liberty

 **HarrietJones:** Captain, we’re British, not American

 **CaptainJack:** God Save The Queen

 **HarrietJones:** better, carry on

 **GrahamOBrien:** Why are you all texting, we’re investigating this Dalek ship

 **BillPotts:** you’re texting right now aren’t you

 **GrahamOBrien:** Cheeky

* * *

Time and space away, on Spokania, Yaz was taking a walk with Peter, who seemed pretty into the history and geography and culture of the planet. The kid seemed nice enough; he wasn’t too much younger than him, but he gave off a vibe that made it seemed that he’d lost more innocence than someone as young as he looked should have lost, at the same time retaining a sense of innocence. The look in his eyes seemed paradoxical, too: they were aglow with the light of a million stars, promiising adventure in the worlds beyond, and yet ever so tired, like an overworked university student who just so desperately needed sleep. And – if she was being frank – he looked as if the Doctor in the fez and bowtie and the one with the pinstripe coat had had a lovechild who exclusively dressed himself in flannel and hoodies.

‘Anyway, there was this battle on Christmas day –’ he was saying, ‘– I was there actually, still in the pinstripes, actually. I took Rose, and we danced in the moonlight, but the date got spoilt ‘cos there were these rabid chimpanzee bat elf things, and then we stopped them with, like, my sonic screwdriver and Santa’s hoogaball set.’

He made a face. ‘I forgot how much I hate this new voice. All these weird creaks and creases and jumps. It’s really quite annoying. And I ramble too much and use too much bloody jargon. Sorry. I ramble a lot. Always have.’

She wished she could say it wasn’t annoying, but it was like someone had given her Doctor a Cyberwhiskey and some sugar. It was endearing though – she was sure that the kid was _somehow_ related to the Doctor.

‘Peter,’ she said, ‘are you trying to distract me? What’s going on here?’

His eyes widened. ‘Can’t I just talk to an old friend who doesn’t realise she knows me yet?’

‘That’s… creepy,’ she said, ‘but just the way you’re avoiding the topic makes this even more suspicious.’

He sighed. ‘The Big Bang’s about to happen, and you can’t be there for that.’

‘What? What on Earth is the Big Bang?’

‘Do I have to explain it? Think Captain Jack. Innuendo. Now picture four – five – Doctors, and they’re with River Song and Jack Harkness. Now let your imagination run free. Blame me later when you can’t look at them the same way anymore.’

It sunk in, and Peter laughed. ‘Now you know why I wanted to keep a nice and healthy distance from them.'

**Companion Chatroom**

**CaptainJack:** now we’re getting to the fun stuff. i’d forgotten just how into ten i was

 **RoseTyler:** tmi

 **YazKhan:** if you look out the window you can see me walking with a kid who didnt want to be there

 **AmyPond:** wait which doctors are there

 **RiverSong:** 9-14

 **AmyPond:** who is he?? 14’s companion?

 **RiverSong:** not exactly, but good try mum

 **MarthaJones:** I really can’t get my head around your timeline

 **RiverSong:** that’s ok, people usually need a flowchart

 **RoryWilliams:** I know you know who he is

 **RoryWilliams:** Who is he

 **YazKhan:** spoilers

 **GrahamOBrien:** Not you too

 **RyanSinclair:** oof

 **YazKhan:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **MarthaJones:** how is it even possible for the doctors to be at spokania

 **CaptainJack:** remember when time unravelled?? basically paradoxes don’t mean shit anymore because the timelines are much more fluid so time can be rewritten

 **BillPotts:** wicked

 **ClaraOswald:** so basically we don’t have to worry about this world going canon???

 **RiverSong:** yes

 **ClaraOswald:** well thank lambert for that

* * *

Friendly the Dalek had been reunited with Rusty, and the two were busy catching up (which seemed to entail them clamouring for the extermination of the Daleks), leaving room for Amy and Rory to properly thank Oswin for having helped them escape. That was when the question popped up in the Doctor’s head.

‘D’you think it’s possible that every Dalek I’ve ever faced is here? In this time? Participating in this invasion?’

‘YES, IT IS POSSIBLE,’ Friendly said. ‘THE TIMELINES ARE CONVERGING. IT WOULD NOT BE A SURPRISE.’

‘More Daleks, just what we need,’ Rory muttered.

‘And what about the Cybermen?’ Graham asked. ‘We can’t just forget about them.’

The Doctor scowled. ‘Probably converting Gallifrey into a Cyberplanet. The Master’s assault will have weakened them to the point that they can’t fight back.’

‘Then we need to hurry and find those Daleks, beat the Cyberman, and see what we can do about Gallifrey,’ River said.

‘Easier said than done. We don’t even know what we’re doing here!’

‘You don’t – but I do.’

Thirteen and her friends whirled around to see a young man with a self-assured grin that masked a burning hatred for the Daleks that weren’t good.

‘Who are you?’ Thirteen asked. ‘Everyone I’ve encountered so far is from my past… but not you. Who are you?’

‘Isn’t it obvious, sweetie?’ River smirked.

‘Hello,’ their new ally said. ‘I’m the Doctor. And luckily, I didn’t forget how we defeated the Daleks.’

* * *

Needless to say, Martha Jones was shocked to see a TARDIS on the Daleks’ mothership. From what she remembered, the whole invasion had been TARDIS-proofed – and yet, here it was. The Doctor’s TARDIS, in all of its blue glory, the wood freshly polished.

‘Doctor?’ Martha called. ‘I found something.’

Corin came running from the board where he’d been scanning for signs of any Daleks – besides the three that he’d assumed were safe, considering they were in the presence of Thirteen’s group and no one had been exterminated yet. ‘Martha, what is it?’

She gestured to the TARDIS.

‘What?’ he exclaimed. ‘What?! _What?!_ ’

‘It’s a TARDIS,’ Rose said dryly. ‘And I’m assuming it’s yours.’

‘But I thought TARDISes couldn’t get in and out of 2020,’ Mickey said.

The Doctor stroked the TARDIS gently, admiring the fresh new coat of paint that was practically glistening. ‘Not if the Doctor got here before the Daleks put up the TARDIS block. Just like we did.’

‘Wouldn’t Thirteen know about it then? Why would she go to the trouble of landing the TARDIS on Clara’s TARDIS if hers was right here?’ Lynda asked.

‘Because this isn’t hers,’ Martha realised. ‘This is a future version of the Doctor’s. I reckon they’ve already gone through this. Look at the paint.’

They crowded around the TARDIS, looking at the paint – but not making any conclusions from it.

‘The paint is fresh. Thirteen’s is sleek, yeah. But the paint’s not that new.’

‘Has anyone considered just opening it?’ Mickey asked, his hand already on the handle of the door.

‘Don’t!’ Corin exclaimed, slapping Mickey’s hand off of the handle.. ‘Could be a Dalek trap. They’re clever enough to put a TARDIS here.’

Before anyone could say anything, the door opened, revealing a young man in a dark red hoodie, the hood pulled over his soft blond hair, chewing on something with AirPods in his ears.

‘Hello. This is the TARDIS. Yes, it’s bigger on the inside. Yes, I’m not supposed to leave the TARDIS while the Doctor’s on a mission. No, I’m not interested in buying the Queen’s Venusian bath bombs. Have a nice day!’

And whoever the hell it was shut the door on them.

* * *

Bill was going to kill Missy if she made one more tickling Dalek balls joke. It had been funny the first couple of times – but now, everyone was tired of her Dalek kinks. Twelve seemed relatively unaffected by the whole ordeal, pressing on forward with Nardole, the two exchanging a few words every time they found something interesting. Clara and Me appeared to have struck up conversation with Jackie and Pete Tyler, leaving Bill and Heather to deal with Missy.

‘And I told him, “ _Tickle its balls!_ ”, but he didn’t listen. A shame. I might’ve spared his life if he had,’ Missy told Heather, as if tickling a Dalek’s bumps was the most riveting thing that ever could happen.

‘I swear to all things holy and unholy,’ Bill seethed. ‘If you say _one more thing_ about Dalek balls, I am going to convert _you_ into a Cyberman!’

‘Now that’s kinky,’ Missy smirked.

‘Not as kinky as helping the Daleks,’ a voice said from up ahead, airy and seductive.

From in front of Twelve and Nardole, a woman about the same age as Bill stepped out, wearing a long white trenchcoat Bill recognised as Thirteen’s, a long and colourful scarf, and a 1920s flapper dress.

‘I don’t know who you are, but you need to get out of here. We’re in the middle of a Dalek invasion,’ Twelve said.

‘Oh, I know,’ the new woman drawled. ‘I just _had_ to come and see it for myself. Never mind the paradoxes – those are as irrelevant as the Cybermen. Anyway, hello!’

She smiled at them, and a shiver ran through everyone’s backs. She said the words they’d all been dreading and yet were expecting with every fibre of their body.

‘I’m Missy. But you can call me your new queen. And also, your saviour, because I’m about to save your pitiful lives from the kinkiest murderers in the cosmos.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final battle is approaching and she is returning...


	25. the sexiest bitch™ and her nerdy bf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nardole: Force your way in
> 
> Doctor12: Don’t do that
> 
> Nardole: It was a good idea!
> 
> Doctor12: No I meant listening to you
> 
> Nardole: rude

The Doctor looked her future self up and down, surprised that she’d regenerated into someone so young. Her future self seemed amused, unable to contain his energy, seemingly bouncing in place. River cleared her throat.

‘Sweeties, if you’re done, we’ve got some important matters on our hands – such as the Daleks, maybe?’

‘Yeah. Right,’ Fourteen said. ‘Fam, we’ve – hold on. I don’t use that word anymore. Gang? Nah. Friends. Countrymen. Lend me your ears. We’ve got to find the Daleks because – and this is a big spoiler – if we don’t stop them from defeating the Cybermen on Gallifrey, then they’ll be able to take advantage of the Unravelling to take over all of time and space.’

‘They’re on _Gallifrey_?’ Thirteen said in disbelief.

‘Yep,’ he said, popping the p.

‘How do we get to Gallifrey?’ Amy asked.

Fourteen grinned. ‘Excellent question, Pond. I have absolutely no idea.’

‘But if you’re her,’ Graham said, pointing at Thirteen, ‘then wouldn’t you have done this before?’

‘Yeah and no. Thanks for asking the real questions, by the way. Last time I did this was a long time ago. I still remember bits and pieces of this, but not everything. Sorry. Procrastination’s a bitch.’

‘What d’you mean, procrastination?’ Thirteen asked.

‘Comes with the territory, I s’pose,’ her future self shrugged. ‘I put it off for so long that I nearly forgot to help save the day.’

‘INFORMATION AVAILABLE,’ Friendly suddenly said. The Doctors and their companions turned to him. ‘SOURCE: CYBERMAN HEAD; LOCATED IN THE TARDIS.’

‘Handles!’ Fourteen grinned. ‘He got him working! Well? What is it?’

‘YOU WILL NEED TO ACCESS THE DALEK TRANSMAT CENTRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHIP. FROM THERE, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TRANSPORT TO GALLIFREY.’

‘Neat-o!’ the Doctor exclaimed, clapping his hands. ‘Let’s go!’

Fourteen started running in one direction, the rest of the team following him.

* * *

‘Two Missys,’ Nardole muttered under his breath. ‘That’s just what we needed, yeah.’

‘Anyway,’ the Missy of the future said, ‘You’re all going to be very good active listeners, and you’re going to believe me when I say this: I may be _the_ Sexy Bitch – past me, sorry, you’re not quite sexy enough – but I’m on your side. For once. Sadly, I owe the Doctor.’

‘I’ve never even met you. Not this you,’ Twelve said plainly.

Future Missy burst into laughter. ‘Don’t be daft, you stupid old man! Clearly you’re going to meet me in my _future_.’

‘If you’re done trying and failing to overshadow me, can we go and kick some arse?’ Missy asked, bored. Her future self affixed her with an overly cheerful smile.

‘Follow me,’ she said, and Missy began to follow herself. Just as a precaution, she kept her grip on her sonic umbrella firm. She wasn’t about to let herself get betrayed by herself, whether it be her future or her past. She was well aware of her tendency to switch sides suddenly.

It appeared that Missy wasn’t the only one who distrusted the future Missy. Clara and Ashildr talked in hushed tones, occasionally looking up at her. Heather attempted to calm her girlfriend down as she shot suspicious glares at both Missys. Twelve tried not to listen to Nardole’s suggestions that they immediately stop following Missy into the heart of a suspiciously quiet Dalek ship. Jackie and Pete stayed towards the back of the group, confused and focused on finding Rose; after all, they’d never encountered the Master in any of their incarnations. Nonetheless, all of them followed the future Missy, hoping that this incarnation wasn’t lying about owing the Doctor.

Missy smirked as she chanced a look behind her. Her past self still looked wary of her. She pretended not to notice the suspicious looks the Doctor’s friends were sending at her, pressing on forward to defeat the Daleks and the Cybermen. Once that was done, then maybe she’d double-cross the Doctor again. Or something. Personally, the incarnation of the Doctor _she_ knew – his fourteenth face (fifteen, if you counted the war one, and sixteen, if you counted pinstripes’ vanity regeneration) – could be quite the gullible kid.

She laughed quietly to herself. ‘All the pieces are in play… let the game begin.’

**Apocalypse**

**Corin:** did anyone find anything??

 **ClaraOswald:** yeah and now we’re stuck with two missys

 **RyanSinclair:** ouch

 **RyanSinclair:** any word from yaz??

 **YazKhan:** i’m okay i just can’t say anything. sorry

 **YazKhan:** i’m in the futureeee

 **BillPotts:** im considering turning missy in to the cybermen

 **Missy:** r UDE

 **BillPotts:** sdfksdjfhdjdfhgfjd not you

 **BillPotts:** i don’t trust you, but you’re not the worst master

 **SaxonMaster:** Wow thanks.

 **SaxonMaster:** Was actually going to help the Doctor, but I might just switch sides.

 **SpyMaster:** yall we’re just chillin on gallifrey with the cyberlords

 **Doctor13:** the wot

 **SpyMaster:** oh yeah they cyberconverted all the time lords to fight the daleks

 **SpyMaster:** oops?

 **Doctor13:** FUCCCCCCCC

 **RoseTyler:** i did not see that coming

 **AmyPond:** 13 is currently banging her head on a dalek

 **RoryWilliams:** it’s very concerning

 **Corin:** ok cool

 **Corin:** anyway we found the tardis?? and it’s locked???

 **Corin:** theres some kid in there who said that he’s not allowed to let us in

 **Doctor13:** wot

 **MarthaJones:** It’s slightly frustrating

 **CaptainJack:** slightly??

 **RyanSinclair:** oof

 **Nardole:** Force your way in

 **Doctor12:** Don’t do that

 **Nardole:** It was a good idea!

 **Doctor12:** No I meant listening to you

 **Nardole:** rude

 **Jabe:** Harriet and I have been tracking you all. Not very interesting so far, besides the new people you’ve met.

 **Doctor13:** kdsjdjksdf update: he’s the next me’s companion

 **Doctor13:** source: the new me

 **ClaraOswald:** oh wow

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** ALERT! ALERT! THE CREATOR OF US ALL HAS ARRIVED ON THE SHIP!

 **RoseTyler:** no

 **MarthaJones:** Davros?? It can’t be

 **CaptainJack:** didn’t he die??

 **Missy:** nahhhh i saw him again on skaro

 **ClaraOswald:** ahh fun times

 **Doctor12:** How many Daleks are on board?? And what ship is this???

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** THERE ARE NEW DALEKS BEING CREATED BY THE PROGENITOR

 **FriendlyTheDalek:** THIS SHIP IS THE CRUCIBLE, DESIGNED TO BRING UPON THE VICTORY OF THE DALEKS

 **Doctor13:** oh hell no

 **Doctor13:** not if i’ve got a say

* * *

Peter looked out in the distance at Spokania’s iconic Crystal City. The spires reached far into the sky, piercing it. The city was aglow with the wealth and splendor of the universe’s richest. Yaz Khan was at his side. He began thinking back to the last time he’d seen Yaz. They’d been on Caelum, having just gone through another ‘she is returning’ plot. Graham and Ryan had decided to stay to stop all the injustices in the city of Evermore; Yaz had taken up the Atlas, forced to forever help carry the burden of the Doctor, a guardian of their timeline. She’d promised him that they would have more adventures together in the future. He supposed that this was what she’d meant; that she’d show up later in his timeline, on Spokania, before it had all ended. A tear rolled down his face.

‘Something on your mind, Peter?’ she asked.

‘The last time I saw you,’ he said carefully, ‘we were in Evermore. We’d just saved everything and everyone in the Crypt – but you had to leave me. You promised me we’d have more adventures. I guess this is what you meant.’

‘I don’t understand. Who are you?’

‘Come on, Yaz. Catch up. I thought you already knew by now.’

‘I don’t though. Who _are_ you?’

Peter smiled mischievously, taking out his sonic screwdriver. It buzzed in his hand, and Yaz’s eyes filled with realisation.

‘Doctor,’ she said. ‘It’s another face of yours, isn’t it?’

‘Yep,’ he said. ‘My past selves are busy romping around in there with Jack, River, and the Masters. I’m sitting out. I mean – I look like a kid and besides, I’m too ace for that.’

‘Why though? Why are they doing… that?’

He smiled sadly. ‘Side effect of the Spokanian pleasure drug. They’ve all been pulled out of the worst times in their life; Nine is fresh out of the Time War. Ten’s just lost all of his companions. Eleven lost the Ponds; Twelve lost Clara and River. And Thirteen…’

Yaz leaned in. ‘What about her?’

‘She’s just lost you, Graham, and Ryan. It’ll be a dark few years for her… and then she’ll travel with the Space Gays for a while, and then she’ll regenerate into me.’

‘Are you traveling with someone?’ she asked him softly.

‘Yeah.’ he smiled. ‘His name’s Hugo. We’re best mates, we are.’

She smiled sadly. She didn’t know what had happened to her in the future, but at least the Doctor wasn’t travelling alone.

‘Promise me something, Doctor.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Don’t be alone.’

The Fourteenth Doctor smiled sadly, and Yaz got the feeling that he’d been told that a few times too many.

**Fam**

**Doctor14:** the hoes are at it

 **Doctor13:** sorry??

 **Doctor11:** big twink energy

 **BillPotts:** CURSED

 **Doctor14:** uhhh excuse me sir i am an: Innocent

 **ClaraOswald:** Innocent my arse

 **AmyPond:** lmao imagine the doctor being innocent

 **RoseTyler:** that’s so sad alexa play despacito

 **YazKhan:** wow still an edge lord i see :))))

 **Doctor14:** never rlly stopped

 **RyanSinclair:** guys i was looking through my camera roll and i saw our picture from the cyberdalek invasion :’)

 **Doctor13:** AHHHH MEMORIES

 **AmyPond:** cries in missing adventure

 **Doctor14:** travel with me after spokania??

 **AmyPond:** sure

 **RoryWilliams:** but you have to show us the new best friend you keep raving about to me

 **AmyPond:** wAIT WHAT

 **RoseTyler:** WHAT

 **ClaraOswald:** WHAT HE’S TOLD YOU ABOUT HIS NEW BF

 **CaptainJack:** the doctor has a boyfriend??

 **RoryWilliams:** no

 **RoryWilliams:** he has a new best friend and i’m the only one he ever told anything about 

**RiverSong:** how could you only share with one pond?? @Doctor14

 **AmyPond:** yeah @Doctor14

 **ClaraOswald:** does our friendship mean nothing to you

 **Doctor13:** does the fact that i’m you have no meaning

 **Doctor14:** to think i have been betrayed by my own flesh and blood

 **Doctor14:** inconceivable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (17/3/20) oh hello there friends, we have a discord server now if it so interests you!
> 
> here's the url: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> do note that you'll have to fill out an introduction before accessing any channels


	26. the fam?? on discord??? in this economy??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> → doctortwink is here, as the prophecy foretold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plotless chapter. back to the normal plot next chappie

**Fam**

**Doctor14:** guys did you hear???

**RoseTyler:** she is returning

**AmyPond:** she is returning

**Doctor14:** ...no

**Doctor14:** for once

**ClaraOswald:** what is it, doctor?

**Doctor14:** our fic has a discord server now

**Doctor13:** wot

**Doctor14:** skdfhskf do you not know what discord is

**RoryWilliams:** what is it

**Doctor14:** here let me show you

**Fam [Discord]**

**#general**

→ **doctortwink** _is here, as the prophecy foretold._

→ _Ha!_ **rorypond** _has joined! You activated my trap card!_

→  _ It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nevermind, it’s just  _ **the impossible girl**

→  _ Where’s  _ **rose** _? In the server! _

→ _A_ **billPotts** _appeared._

→  _ Swoooosh.  _ **doctorwot** _ just landed. _

**rorypond:** whoa

**doctortwink:** cool, right?

→  _ We’ve been expecting you _ ,  **hugo**

**rose:** wait who’s that

**hugo:** oh shit

**hugo:** doctor im gonna fucking kill you

**doctortwink:** yeet

**billPotts:** whooaaa hi @hugo nice to meet ya

**billPotts:** diD HE JUST GO OFFLINE ON ME

**billPotts:** bITCH

**rose:** yo can i invite someone??

**doctortwink:** yeah whatever sure just dont invite them to the fam chat

**doctortwink:** that shit is sacred

**Private Messages**

**RoseTyler → Missy**

**RoseTyler:** ur not in the fam gc bc you’re not fam but pls join 14’s discord server!!

**RoseTyler:** [https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM](https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM)

**Missy:** it’s sexy time

**#general**

→  **The Sexy Bitch** _ has joined the server. It’s super effective! _

**The Sexy Bitch:** HEY SISTERS

**doctortwink:** ..oh hi

**the impossible girl:** fuck

**rorypond:** can we go back to the plot

**doctortwink:** oh yeah i forgot this chapter was just an ad

**doctortwink:** anyway join the fam, guys!! our author left some stuff in the notes for yall!!! come help them come up with new shit for us to do lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeyeyeye that's right we have a discord now!!! the link is https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM (same as the one rose gave missy). on the server, you can chat w other readers and i, talk doctor who and this fic, and if you want, watch me write the fic (and in the future, we can collab on this piece of work or smthn skdfhg) live and give me suggestions or smthn. come join the fun!!!


	27. plot advancement? in this economy??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Make one more joke about my height and age and I swear I’ll choke you so hard you regenerate.’
> 
> ‘Ooh, kinky. Please do.’
> 
> ‘Right then, can we stop this… banter? Flirtation? Sexual tension, whatever the hell this is?’ Clara asked, tapping her foot rapidly. ‘We’ve still got a lot of work to do.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hI I FINALLY UPDATED SKDJCHDS I CANT WAIT TO BE DONE W THIS GOSH DARN PLOT

Thirteen and Twelve’s groups met in the centre, where the transmat beams were located. Thirteen noticed Fourteen tense when he saw the unfamiliar woman leading Twelve’s group.

‘Who’s that?’ she asked him. ‘The Fifteenth Doctor?’

He shook his head. ‘Much worse. One guess.’

Her eyes widened. ‘The Master?’

‘In the flesh,’ Future Missy – who Missy had dubbed the ‘Game Master’ – smirked flirtatiously at Thirteen. ‘Nice to see you again, Doctor.’

‘Wish I could say the same for you,’ Fourteen mumbled.

Two figures transmatted in, appearing in twin beams of light. The three Doctors – especially Thirteen and Fourteen froze in their tracks when they realised who they were: the Saxon and the Spy Masters.

‘We were getting bored of waiting for you on Gallifrey, so we decided to bring the fun here,’ Saxon said.

‘Get out,’ Fourteen said, glaring daggers at them. ‘Unless you’re going to help, get out.’

‘Oh, but where would the fun in that be?’ the Game Master asked. ‘It _is_ playtime, my dear miniscule friend.’

‘Make one more joke about my height and age and I swear I’ll choke you so hard you regenerate.’

‘Ooh, kinky. Please do.’

‘Right then, can we stop this… banter? Flirtation? Sexual tension, whatever the hell this is?’ Clara asked, tapping her foot rapidly. ‘We’ve still got a lot of work to do.’

‘Wait, how can we even trust these people?’ Ryan said. ‘Four Masters and a Doctor from the future. We even sure who they are?’

‘That’s actually a good question, Ryan,’ Thirteen admitted. ‘How can we know that he’s me?’

‘The same way we always have,’ Twelve said. ‘Check the sonic.’

The three Doctors whipped out their sonic screwdrivers, pointing them at each other.

‘Haven’t seen that one in a long time,’ Fourteen said, looking at Thirteen’s sonic.

‘So now that we’ve established that we’re all the same,’ Twelve said, ‘We need to figure out how the hell we’re going to fix this.’

‘Unfortunately for you, Doctors, you won’t have the time. I’m afraid you’re too late. The Daleks will exterminate the Cybermen and the Time Lords on Gallifrey, and they will conquer the entire cosmos.’

All three Doctors paled as they turned around, coming face to face with one of their oldest enemies. The Masters seemed rather excited at the new power coming into play in this intricate battle. River, Clara, Nardole, and the Doctors’ Dalek allies all paled as Davros – the creator of the Daleks – entered the transmat room, flanked by Daleks – hostile, their weapons pointed at the three Doctors.

‘Davros,’ Fourteen said.

Davros chuckled. ‘It seems to me that you only grow younger, Doctor.’

‘Cut the crap, Davros. What the hell do you want with the universe?’ Thirteen demanded. ‘Because if you want to destroy it like last time, we’re going to stop you.’

‘How adorable. Unfortunately for you, you’ve walked right into my trap.’

From behind them, Oswin Oswald and Rusty the Dalek turned on them, pointing their guns at Clara, Amy, Rory, and River.

* * *

Inside the TARDIS, Hugo Warner looked at the TARDIS scanner. The man in the pinstripes and his friends hadn’t left the area. The Doctor had told him not to let anyone in, and he wasn’t about to do something that would break his trust. The bond they’d cultivated in their time together was solid. He wasn’t about to break that trust.

And then the doors opened, letting in pinstripes and his friends. Hugo watched in stunned silence. They entered slowly, gaping openly at the TARDIS’ new interior. The console looked the same as it usually did, the time rotor humming, its pulsating green light emanated throughout the room. The floor was a sleek, dark silver, the room circular and large. The roundels were present, the white light piercing through the green. 

It was an odd mix of modern and rustic; the green lights and the modernity of this Doctor’s TARDIS were complemented by wooden beams reaching upwards, supporting a wooden circle. The walls were covered by bookshelves, books upon books on them, some scattered on the floor. The shelves seemed to be organised: _Hugo’s favourite fiction, Great works of the ‘20s, Human health & medicine _ , and _Teen culture_ catching Corin’s eye. Rose looked down one of the two hallways on the sides of the TARDIS, Grecian pillars leading out to what looked like a small replica of Central Park, doors strewn throughout, leading to different rooms. Martha and Mickey peered down the other one, a wintry fairytale forest, also with doors. She blinked, and all of a sudden, it had shifted into a tight Parisian street, the scent of a bakery wafting into the console room as _Le Festin_ from _Ratatouille_ played.

While they were distracted by the wonders of the TARDIS, Hugo whipped out his phone, looking for further direction from the Doctor.

**Contact: idiot <3**

**You:** doc help

 **idiot <3:** are you ok??? daleks??

 **You:** intruders

 **idiot <3:** wHAT

 **idiot <3:** howd they get in??

 **idiot <3:** intruder window??

 **You:** youre so fucking cheesy asdifhdjs

 **You:** no some guy in pinstripes and his buddies barged in?? and she let them???

 **idiot <3:** asdifuvhd is his hair messy af?? does he look like he could be my dad

 **You:** ….yes

 **idiot <3:** isduhv thats,,,, me from the past. or the other me osdjc

 **You:** what do i do???

 **idiot <3:** ask the tardis?? idk

 **idiot <3:** im kinda rubbish with directions

 **You:** i know

 **You:** you say that every time i ask ‘what do i do???’

 **idiot <3:** then maybe you should stop??

 **You:** ah yes ill stop and end up blowing up a planet again

 **idiot <3:** … touche

 **idiot <3:** anyway im dealing w missy and my past self so ttyl???

 **You:** aight

 **You:** love you you heckin idiot

 **idiot <3:** watch your fucking mouth or ill watch it for you

 **You:** thats gay

 **idiot <3:** were both gay whats your fucking point??

 **You:** sdifuhgdshjio

 **You:** hajsdof gO

 **idiot <3:** is udfg vifn v fine

 **idiot <3:** love you too hugabug

 **You:** i tOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT OIFUCGHS

Grinning to himself, Hugo put his phone on the pocket and leaned against the console. He cleared his throat, and everyone turned to face him, having forgotten he’d been there to begin with.

‘For those of you who have no bloody idea where the hell you are, welcome! To the TARDIS! Short for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. Yeah, it’s bigger on the inside. No, I don’t know how. I don’t feel like giving the tour today, so I won’t. Normally, if this were an alien mess, I’d take you home – the Doc lets me fly this beauty around in emergencies and other urgent situations – but unless you’re aliens, I doubt you want me taking you there. Anyway! Who the hell are all of y’all and why the hell are you here?”

‘I’m the Doctor,’ Corin said.

‘Wow,’ Hugo said dryly. ‘No shit. He told me about you. Your future self.’

‘He redecorated. Don’t like it. Too chaotic.’

‘Sorry, can we get to the point?’ Martha cut in. ‘Who are you? Where’s the Doctor?’

‘He’s busy helping his past self. I’m supposed to just sit here and do, uh… nothing.’

‘Sounds like the Doctor, alright,’ Rose mumbled.

Corin elbowed her. ‘Oi!’

‘So what are we supposed to do? Just sit around here and let the other team fight the Daleks?’ Mickey asked.

‘Well, that’s not happening,’ Corin said. ‘Come on. We’re fighting the Daleks.’

‘No!’ Hugo said. ‘You can go, but I’m not coming, and neither is the TARDIS.’

‘It’s _my_ TARDIS!’ Corin exclaimed.

‘It’s _my_ Doctor’s, and I’m not going to let you take it. So if you want to fight the Daleks, you’re going to have to do it alone.’

* * *

‘Put the guns down,’ Thirteen said. ‘We can talk this all out –’

‘What is there to talk about?’ Davros said. ‘The Daleks will destroy the Cybermen on Gallifrey and conquer the cosmos, and _you_ , Doctor, will not be there to witness it.’

‘If I may interject,’ Missy said, ‘Is this plan sexy?’

Everyone stared at her blankly, and she burst into laughter. ‘Oh, lighten up, you lot. My real question is this: when you’ve taken over the universe, what playthings are you going to have left? Because let’s be real: if you’re anything like me, fighting the Doctor is your one. Biggest. Kink.’

‘The Doctor is the enemy of the Daleks,’ Oswin said. ‘His extermination will allow the Daleks to conquer the universe.’

‘There’s no reasoning with a Dalek, Missy’ Fourteen seethed. He took out a golden key. The key glowed, and around them, the TARDIS materialised. To their shock, Corin’s team was already there.

‘What are you doing?!’ Bill exclaimed, eyeing Oswin, Rusty, and Friendly anxiously. ‘We can’t just _leave_!’

‘Whoever said anything about leaving?’ Fourteen asked carelessly, strolling to the sides of the TARDIS, heading for a roundel. Hugo’s eyes widened, and he ran to him, grabbing his arm roughly.

‘Doctor, you can’t!’

‘Can’t what?’ Twelve asked. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m going to kill that miserable maniac once and for all,’ he said, getting a blaster out of it.

‘Doctor,’ Martha said. ‘Whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t do it.’

‘Your promise!’ Clara exclaimed. ‘I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you have to remember it! Never cruel. Never cowardly. And when you are, make amends.’

‘You told me back then that killing someone bad would make you just as bad,’ Graham said. ‘Back when we faced Tim Shaw. Don’t tell me you’ve changed so much since then.’

Her eyes cold and steely, Thirteen faced her older self. ‘Whatever happened to you, whatever anger you feel, you have to stop. The Doctor doesn’t kill. We’ve built entire civilisations on a _man who wouldn’t_.’

Fourteen turned to his old friends and faces coldly. ‘I’m not that man anymore. Haven’t been for years.’

‘YOU WOULD MAKE A GOOD DALEK,’ Rusty proclaimed. At his side, keeping him contained, River glared at her spouse’s future self. Amy and Rory looked disappointed; Ryan, Graham, Martha, Lynda, and Bill looked like they couldn’t believe what was happening. Clara and Rose looked away from him. The Masters looked positively gleeful, save for the two Mistresses, wose looks were indiscernible. The same look was in everyone’s eyes: the realisation that _this wasn’t their Doctor_.

‘Yeah. I would.’

Gun in hand, Fourteen made his way towards the door. Hugo stopped him.

‘Kill Davros and I will take this TARDIS back home, with or without you.’

The look in Hugo’s eyes was clear: this was his ultimatum. It wasn’t do or die, or truth or consequences; this was love or hatred. The Doctor’s shoulders fell, the gun falling down to the ground with a clang. Hugo smiled sadly and hugged him tightly as tears streamed down his eyes.

‘Thank you, Doctor,’ he whispered.

Clara cleared her throat. ‘So what are we going to do, then?’

Fourteen shrugged. ‘I can’t say. All I know is that once again, Clara Oswald, the universe and my life depends on you.’

* * *

‘So then how’d you all get out? How did you defeat the Daleks?’ Yaz asked, sitting next to him.

‘Well, Clara’s death was a fixed point in time,’ he explained. ‘When Friendly exterminated her, time had to readjust. I mean, yeah, the Unravelling kinda made paradoxes _easier_ and less universe-destroying, but because Clara’s life… _lives_ … were already so all over the place, the paradox had the potential to rip Earth apart.’

‘Well, basically, we had to cancel out the paradoxes altogether by nipping the origin in the bud. That way, the only thing that would’ve _actually_ happened was the Cyberman invasion of Gallifrey. The Master destroying it wasn’t affected by the Unravelling.’

‘What exactly was the Unravelling?’ Yaz asked, taking a glance back at the resort to make sure that none of Fourteen’s past selves were making their way towards them.

‘Some kind of major event imploded a timeline. It happens all the time, but usually, time travellers’ timelines don’t implode on themselves. Mine did, and since I’ve… been around, the entire universe was thrown into a big temporal nightmare.’

‘But time was fixed, yeah?’ Yaz asked. ‘What changed?’

‘The Pandorica,’ he smiled cryptically.

* * *

‘Doctor, what do we do?’ Amy asked.

Fourteen looked down in horror at Clara’s body, as lifeless on the ground as she had been all those years ago, that fateful day on the trap street. Ashildr was knelt down next to her, numb and in disbelief. River and Jack had managed to subjugate their Dalek allies, looking to the Doctor for guidance.

‘The paradox that this is going to cause will tear the Earth apart,’ Fourteen said, ‘so we need to get back to the source, and we need to fly the Pandorica in.’

‘Wait, the Pandorica?’ Rory asked. ‘Didn’t we already do that?’

‘Yeah. The Unravelling is a culmination of my adventures. A repeat, if you will. The Daleks that are here? Canary Wharf. Remember that, Rose?’

‘Worst day of my life,’ she said, squeezing Corin’s hand.

‘Weeping Angels from Manhattan in Cardiff, shop dummies from my first adventure with Rose in New York, Zygons in Paris… all of time happening at once, _again_ , but this time, it’s _my_ time.’

‘Pandorica,’ Rory reminded. ‘I don’t exactly see a giant Doctor-trapping box around here.’

‘The Timeless Child,’ Corin said in realisation. ‘It’s finally relevant to this fic’s plot.’

‘Wait, hold on, I’ve heard about that,’ Ashildr said. ‘Clara and I – the Time Lords told us the legend, on two different occasions. The Timeless Child is the guard of the Pandorica, an associate of the Doctor’s, with a timestream so convoluted that excess raw time energy made Gallifrey what it is today.’

‘So another paradox,’ Jack said.

‘Exactly,’ Thirteen said, her eyes gleaming, an idea forming in her head. ‘But what if the Pandorica we had to fly into the heart of the source wasn’t a _box,_ but a _person_?’

Rory shook his head almost immediately. ‘No. Absolutely not. I can see where this is going, and I’m not letting anyone fly Amy into the heart of a time explosion.’

‘Your girlfriend isn’t the centre of the universe,’ Twelve said.

‘She is to me! There has to be some other way. Some other Pandorica.’

Fourteen shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, Rory. But the signs are all there. The Pandorica guards the most dangerous being in the known universe. If we’re thinking figuratively, and we are, then Amy fits the description.’

‘But I never guarded you,’ Amy said.

‘It counts if you saved me from myself. You did that, Amy. Countless times. Do you remember the Starship UK?’ Twelve asked.

‘I’m glad we’re having all this exposition,’ the Master cut in, ‘but the universe is at stake and the Daleks and Cybermen aren’t going to wait for your heartfelt goodbyes.’

‘Let’s do this then,’ Amy said. ‘Let’s fly the Pandorica into the heart of… whatever it is we need to fly me into.’

* * *

Unbeknownst to them all, in a house in Chiswick, the most important woman in all creation, fast asleep, began dreaming of a lone centurion.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway the master's gonna be relevant soon probably send tweet
> 
> (if this chapter was confusing, basically, 14 is recounting the dalek-cyberman clusterfuck to yaz. the daleks were forced by davros to turn on the fam. rusty killed clara, but since clara has to die on the trap street, it caused a big ass paradox, and now they need to undo the unravelling so none of it ever happened)
> 
> also!!! we has a discord server! the link is: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM (same as the one rose gave missy). on the server, you can chat w other readers and i, talk doctor who and this fic, and if you want, watch me write the fic (and in the future, we can collab on this piece of work or smthn skdfhg) live and give me suggestions or smthn. come join the fun!!!


	28. wait, this isn't chapter 1?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GrahamOBrien: What on Earth was that, Doc?
> 
> Doctor13: It’s a new group chat for all of us
> 
> YazKhan: no we know what a group chat is
> 
> YazKhan: we’re talking about those emoticons
> 
> Doctor13: Oh ^^ these old things? :D :) :>D I researched Earth lingo :) >:D :o :3 and this popped up ;) :0 |:/
> 
> RyanSinclair: that was actually very painful to read
> 
> GrahamOBrien: Dear God, I hope she doesn’t discover emojis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting rlllly close to the end of the current storyline!!! finally!!!

‘Ma’am? There was a letter in the mail for you. It says it’s very urgent.’

‘You can drop it on my desk. Thanks.’

The errand runner nodded, leaving the letter on his boss’ desk. She paused her typing, taking a glance at the letter. Not recognising the sender, she went back to her typing and forgot about it.

She stared at the paper in front of her. She’d forgotten what she was writing about. She felt like she was forgetting something. A teenage boy with a hoodie, with sad eyes she could never forget, a friendly face that she’d never met, and yet trusted with her whole life. Brown hair. Soft smile. His best friend had stopped him from going too far. She frowned. She had never met the boy she was picturing in her head before. So how was he in her mind now?

She sighed, packing her bags and leaving her office, locking the door behind her, the letter forgotten. When she got home, she began cooking, her mind wandering from subject to subject as she tried to remember what it was that she had forgotten.

She made a mental note to ask her husband later.

* * *

Torchwood was busy; a Dalek had broken through the rift, exterminating everything in its path. It was yet another day in the life.

‘Alright, get ready, kids! We have a bitch to fight,’ the commander said, cocking her gun. 

At her side, her husband smiled grimly. He knew that as soon as they got on the battlefield, she would send them straight back. After all, it’s what he would’ve done if it he didn’t believe in her capabilities – it’s what he did back then, all those years ago, when he had come across them for the first time since the Time War.

He vacantly remembered something else, though. A parallel memory. A memory that should never be. The Crucible. The Daleks and Davros, once again trying to destroy the universe and stop the Cybermen on a planet that couldn’t exist.

A blonde woman with a long white coat, a Scot whose face he remembered all too well from Italy, a young boy he couldn’t believe he was related to.

‘What’s on your mind?’ she asked him. He turned to face her, his face pensive.

‘Do you ever get the feeling you remember something you shouldn’t remember?’ he asked her.

‘You’re thinking of that kid, aren’t you?’ she asked.

‘How do you know?’

‘I’ve been dreaming of him, whoever he is.’

* * *

**Space Gays™**

**ImmortalAndGay:** why do i get the feeling we’re forgetting people

**SpaceBicon:** if one more person forgets me im going to sCREAM

**ImABillever:** bet

**ImABillever:** waIT ISDFJVHCJDIF DONT BET ON ANYTHING

**SpaceBicon:** come to think of it we’re missing river

**ImmortalAndGay:** river song? the doctor’s dead wife?

**ImABillever:** iedchb when was she a space gay™???

**ImABillever:** its always been us five

**ImABillever:** even if ashildr and heather arent active on the chat

**SpaceBicon:** i dunno

**SpaceBicon:** i just feel like rivers supposed to be here?

**ImmortalAndGay:** i hate to say this but.

**ImmortalAndGay:** she is dead,, like,,, not us dead

**ImABillever:** we get it

**SpaceBicon:** also i feel like there was some kind of banana innuendo convo but i cant find it

**ImABillever:** what

**ImABillever:** clara maybe you should get some sleep??

**SpaceBicon:** i sWEAR IM NOT GOING CRAZY

**ImmortalAndGay:** ok boomer

* * *

Ever since UNIT had been disassembled, Martha Jones had been working at a hospital in London, keeping an eye on things, looking out for the Doctor or one of his companions. She was on abreak, walking down the hallways when she bumped into a woman with red hair. Her name died on her lips. This was Donna Noble. And she was on the ground.

‘Oi, watch where you’re going!’ Donna exclaimed.

‘Sorry,’ Martha said, helping her up.

Donna looked at her, thinking of fish people and tiny potato men. ‘Do I know you?’

‘No! Absolutely not.’

A second passed, and Martha bit her tongue.

Donna’s eyes glowed gold. ‘ _ She is returning _ .’

* * *

She was the Doctor. He was the Doctor.  _ They _ were the Doctor. All of them and none of them. Was this the right world? Too many questions. Too many  _ words _ , too many  _ faces _ , too much  _ time _ cramped up into a single moment. She opened her eyes.

‘Doctor?’ Yaz asked. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah! Totally,’ she said unconvincingly. ‘I’m just gonna tuck in.’

Yaz, Graham, and Ryan exchanged worried looks. Ever since her run-in with that bloke O, and the rhino people and Jack Harkness, she’d been awfully distant, refusing to tell them anything about herself. It was so unlike the Doctor they knew: cheerful, upbeat, energetic – but now, she simply looked tired.

Perhaps something fun would’ve helped. A group chat. A trip to a pub. Maybe visits from her friends if they just knew who they were.

* * *

The sky was blue, and Hugo Warner was alone. He sighed, unlocking the door to his apartment. He started fantasising of an alternate reality. Perhaps the sky was red, the world was being invaded, and his life was changed by a single person. He scoffed and entered, entering his darkened room, locking the doors behind him.

He crashed onto his bed and looked up at the ceiling. He felt like there was something missing from his life.

* * *

**Fam**

**_< Doctor13 created the chatroom: _ ** **Fam** **_>_ **

**_< Doctor13 added YazKhan and 2 others>_ **

**Doctor13:** Hi fam! :D :>D

**YazKhan:** what

**GrahamOBrien:** What

**RyanSinclair:** ??? i’m? confusion??

**GrahamOBrien:** What on Earth was that, Doc?

**Doctor13:** It’s a new group chat for all of us

**YazKhan:** no we know what a group chat is

**YazKhan:** we’re talking about those emoticons

**Doctor13:** Oh ^^ these old things? :D :) :>D I researched Earth lingo :) >:D :o :3 and this popped up ;) :0 |:/

**RyanSinclair:** that was actually very painful to read

**GrahamOBrien:** Dear God, I hope she doesn’t discover emojis.

**Doctor13:** what are those??

**Doctor13:** i think i might’ve heard about them in a past face, but i might need a refresher!

**YazKhan:** don’t worry about it 

**RyanSinclair:** [ 🤫 ](https://emojipedia.org/shushing-face/)

**RyanSinclair:** oh shit

**Doctor13:** aww that little face is cute how do i get it

**GrahamOBrien:** It’s just a little picture he sent.

**YazKhan:** yeah

**RyanSinclair:** pres dhfghdjks

**YazKhan:** the doctor is not allowed to use those :)

**Doctor13:** rude

**GrahamOBrien:** Oi be nice

**Doctor13:** thank you graham

**GrahamOBrien:** But I agree, don’t let her use emojis.

**RyanSinclair:** hey doctor?

**Doctor13:** yesss?

**RyanSinclair:** are you. ok??

**Doctor13:** lmao no

**YazKhan:** you should like. get help

**RyanSinclair:** yeah

**GrahamOBrien:** I think we need to go someplace relaxing. No crazy alien plots, no murderous tooth-stealers.

**Doctor13:** aight

**Doctor13:** lets go to a pleasure resort on spokania!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have a discord server! the link is: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM (same as the one rose gave missy). on the server, you can chat w other readers and i, talk doctor who and this fic, and if you want, watch me write the fic (and in the future, we can collab on this piece of work or smthn skdfhg) live and give me suggestions or smthn. come join the fun!!!
> 
> also if you were confused about the hugo part,,, basically he never meets 14 so none of the stuff in the fic about him and 14 happened


	29. happy trans day of visibility! (interlude part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GrahamOBrien: As someone who lived for a very long time in the closet, it brings me so much joy to see more representation and acceptance for younger trans folk!
> 
> GrahamOBrien: Of course, there’s much more progress to be made, but where we are now is better than we are even five years ago
> 
> Heather: preach ^^^
> 
> Doctor14: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 1 of a 2 part interlude!!!
> 
> this was originally supposed to be for stray conversations but i decided to put it here instead
> 
> anyway happy trans visibility day from your friendly neighbourhood he/they gay!!!

**Fam**

**RoseTyler:** happy trans day of visibility @everyone !!

**Doctor13:** i dont subscribe to your human notions of gender but AAAA THANKIES

**Doctor14:** thanks rose!!

**Mels:** YASSSSS

**RiverSong:** happy visibility day guys gals and nonbinary pals!

**MarthaJones:** Oh, thank you Rose!

**JennyFlint:** yesssss

**Heather:** lmao i nearly forgot

**BillPotts:** AAAAA HAPPY VISIBILITY DAY @Heather love you lots xoxo

**BillPotts:** and of course to the rest of y’all

**Doctor11:** thanks

**Doctor10:** ^^^

**GrahamOBrien:** Thank you!

**GrahamOBrien:** As someone who lived for a very long time in the closet, it brings me so much joy to see more representation and acceptance for younger trans folk!

**GrahamOBrien:** Of course, there’s much more progress to be made, but where we are now is better than we are even five years ago

**Heather:** preach ^^^

**Doctor14:** :)

**Fam [Discord]**

**The Sexy Bitch:** AKJDHFG HAPPPPY TRANS DAY OF VISIBILITY MY FELLOW TRANS PEOPLES!!!!

**doctortwink:** thanks

**rose:** wait why didnt you respond on the fam gc??

**The Sexy Bitch:** i have been so lovingly excluded from that chat :/

**billPotts:** rip you

**The Sexy Bitch:** yeah ik right??

**doctortwink:** wait why the fuck is this my username

**doctortwink:** how do i change this

**rorypond:** Wait I thought you knew how to use this thing

**doctortwink:** i

**doctortwink:** uhh

**doctortwink:** hugo set it up for me and taught me how to use it but he didnt tell my how to change my username

**hugo:** ill help you change it if you dont like it

**doctortwink:** nah it’s fine

**hugo:** ok

**rose** : wait but i thought you didn’t like being called a twink??

**doctortwink:** hugos my bf so i let him

**doctortwink:** its cute coming from him

**hugo:** youre so confusing tf

**the impossible girl:** you see this is why everyone thinks you two are dating

**doctortwink:** ??? 

**hugo:** SJDSIDFGHFJDSA

**hugo:** doctor you called me your boyfriend

**doctortwink:** no?? i didnt???

**doctorwot:** AKJDHFG am i really this oblivious in the future??

**billPotts:** bet

**hugo:** “hugos my bf”

**doctortwink:** yeah

**doctortwink:** best friend

→  _ Ermagherd.  _ **_hotharkness_ ** _ is here. _

**hotharkness:** hello gays

**hotharkness:** rose tells me that there is bf discourse

**rose:** i did not say discourse but ok go off sis

**doctortwink:** skdfighfdjsfh this was supposed to be a one chapter thing

**billPotts:** you know author

**billPotts:** they never do things for “”””just one chapter”””””

**hugo:** fun jokes to tell while you’re quarantined

**hotharkness:** hugo/the doctor, platonic life partners, 100k words, quarantined together au

**the impossible girl:** what

**rose:** top 10 kinkiest ao3 fics

**hugo:** akdjhdghjiUSDHFG

**doctortwink:** shhhhh the corona times chapter is nEXT CHAPTER

**hotharkness:** i guess i like time the way i like putting on clothes

**hugo:** what the fuck

**billPotts:** OP please elaborate

**hotharkness:** here’s a concept: No

**hugo:** enlightening

**Twitter**

**fourteen** @dorktorwho

happy trans day of visibility my trans sibs!!!

|

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

YESSSSSS

|

**The Doctor says trans rights** @GrahamOBrien

Good post OP

|

**so fine i blow ur mind** @heymissy

very good

|

**hue** @mysticpendragon

<3

|

**lyndaaaa** @isurvivedbigbrother

daily reminder that all trans people are valid!!!!

|

**juleka** @julekacouffaine

@sweetrose

|

**rose <3** @sweetrose

AJSHDFB thanks for sharing this with me jules!!! happy trans day of visibility to you too!

**The Doctor says trans rights** @GrahamOBrien

It’s Trans Day of Visibility, and I’d just like to say that you’re all valid. And to all my trans siblings who are having a hard time, I just want to tell you that everything gets better. (1/?)

|

**The Doctor says trans rights** @GrahamOBrien

We’re all going to suffer losses in our lives, and there might be a lot of days where you feel like giving up. But don’t give up! Persevere. Believe in hope. Hang in there. (2/?)

|

**The Doctor says trans rights** @GrahamOBrien

You are loved, you are beautiful, and you are valid no matter what anyone else says. (3/3)

|

**fourteen** @dorktorwho

This is such a beautiful thread, Graham, thank you for posting this!

|

**spider-yeet** @spy-duh-man

@GrahamOBrien @dorktorwho as a trans person, this really made my day. to all of you trans folk, whether you’re in or out of the closet, sure of who you are or still questioning, and no matter what pronouns you use or don’t use, you’re valid and i love you!!!

|

**fourteen** @dorktorwho

rt

|

**be true be you <3** @marthajonesofficial

rt

|

**wot is this** @docthirteen

rt

|

**hue** @mysticpendragon

Anyway, happy Day of Visibility, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals! I wish all the best for you and know that you are never alone, and that there’s so many more of us than it seems. You’re valid and you are perfect just the way you are! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls let me know if there are any issues with this chapter,,, anyway next update is going to feature love in these corona times
> 
> also!!! we has a discord server! on the server, you can chat w other readers and i, talk doctor who and this fic, and if you want, watch me write the fic (and in the future, we can collab on this piece of work or smthn skdfhg) live and give me suggestions or smthn. come join the fun!!!
> 
> discord link is https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM


	30. she is returning 2: electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vegas Bill: and i oop
> 
> Vegas Bill: pay up clara
> 
> Elevens wife: I THOUGHT YOU WERE AGAINST BETTING
> 
> Penguin with its arse on fire: not anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy april fools day pls have >3k words of absolute plotless crack on me for april fool's day
> 
> also aalsiduhfgbdsjk 30th chapter special. quite a few old jokes come back along with references to six and miraculous ladybug

**Fam**

**WotTheHell:** alright who changed the names i knew something was up

**egg boleyn:** Idk who but I will physically fight them

**Elevens wife:** I hate these nicknames

**the only sensible one:** Can I change mine back?

**_< the only sensible one changed their nickname to _ ** **Rory >**

**_< sHE IS RETURNING changed Rory’s nickname to _ ** **bottom energy** **_>_ **

**slepingbeuty:** lmao rip u

**bottom energy:** what

**Vegas Bill:** wait we can have spaces in between the words in our nicknames???

**babey doctor:** Apparently we can now

**egg boleyn:** so no one’s going to talk about my username

**egg boleyn:** this is like. offensive to people who have been beheaded (me)

**Yasss:** Is that a Six reference

**bottom energy:** i was robbed of an opportunity to watch this musical by being sent back in time

**Billie Piper rights:** first of all who is who and why is everyone’s profile picture of the doctor scronching

**WotTheHell:** i do not scronch!!!

**penguin with its arse on fire:** Yes you are

**penguin with its arse on fire:** @Vegas Bill i’m giving you a zero for this essay

**Vegas Bill:** yOU’RE NOT MY PROFESSOR ANYMORE

**Vegas Bill:** also that wasnt me lmao

**ClaraOswald:** who are you people

**ClaraOswald:** what is this

**ten inch:** what

**ten inch:** also wtf is my nickname

**Billie Piper rights:** a valid meme

**Elevens wife:** literally who the fuck is that

**Elevens wife:** shes not clara

**Elevens wife:** i cannot identify myself

**bottom energy:** that is a recurring problem for me

**Elevens wife:** why cant i say my name

**sHE IS RETURNING:** banned

**sHE IS RETURNING:** this is a nice anonymous christian minecraft server

**Billie Piper rights:** No self identification in my good christian suburbs

**marie antoinette:** quoi de la fuck

**BillPotts:** she is returning

**slepingbeuty:** can we not get a chapter that doesn’t mention she is returning

**4:** this isnt even a nickname

**Holden Caulfield:** i do not get my nickname

**Graham cracker:** What happened here?

**AND I OOP SKSKSKSK:** I WOULD LIKE TO EXTERMINATE MY NICKNAME

**Linda breaking property be like:** skjdfhgsjkdf my nickname

**hello:** [logs in]

**WotTheHell:** stop it!!

**hello:** i only logged in!!!

**math:** thats flirting

**ricky the idiot:** Im killing whoever changed the nicknames

**RoseTyler:** she is returning

**Billie Piper rights:** who the fuck is pretending to be me

**babey doctor:** zygon

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** how the fuck is my username so long

**WotTheHell:** who are you

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** i have been added to the chat against my will

**MarthaJones:** she is returning

**math:** wait who??

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** @babey doctor im assuming its you can you change my username??

**babey doctor:** im not admin

**egg boleyn:** Who is the admin

**Unknown.Entity:** H

**Unknown.Entity:** E

**Unknown.Entity:** Y

**Unknown.Entity:** M

**Unknown.Entity:** I

**Unknown.Entity:** S

**Unknown.Entity:** S

**Unknown.Entity:** Y

**Unknown.Entity:** YOU SO FINE

**Unknown.Entity:** YOU BLOW MY MIND

**Vegas Bill:** and i oop

**Vegas Bill:** pay up clara

**Elevens wife:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE AGAINST BETTING

**Penguin with its arse on fire:** not anymore

**hello:** :)

**WotTheHell:** sTOP FLIRTING

**the only sensible one:** he just smiled

**hello:** :D

**slepingbeuty:** rORY YOU BLUSHED THATS ADORABLE

**the only sensible one:** glad to know we have a normal marriage

**4:** lmao can you imagine

**Space Gays™**

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** WHY AM I ON THIS GROUP CHAT TOO

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** IM NOT A SPACE GAY I SWEAR

**bottom twink:** yes you are

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** whoaa someone had fun changing our nicknames

**diener owner:** wait where are we in terms of the timeline???

**8:** after the storyline that aUTHOR STILL HAS TO WRITE

**hue:** im trying :(

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** aww dont cry

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** what is this feeling welling inside me why do i feel protective

**bottom twink:** ah young love

**8:** i mean yes this is an author insert but not an author x oc fic

**:(:** can you. speak behind the 4th wall

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** this fic doesnt have a fourth wall

**bottom twink:** subscribe to my youtube channel

**bottom twink:** why tf did i say that i dont have a youtube channel

**hue:** >:D

**thats gay:** I approve of my username

**Moffat:** I DO NOT

**The writers never fleshed me out and I don’t know what my personality is:** im crying i logged on to have a good time and i have to see this shit

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** yoo do we get our memories back when we get back to the storyline??

**bottom twink:** i sure hope so

**hue:** no

**thats gay:** pikachu meme

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** Why did you say pikachu meme

**thats gay:** because author was too lazy to look for it even though someone else used it earlier in the fic

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:**

**Moffat:** OK

**elphaba thropp:** wait who is everyone

**elphaba thropp:** and why am i elphaba thropp

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** bECAUSE US GAYS DEFY GRAVITY and heteronormativity

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** mood

**According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible:** alright ive had it with this nickname, can someone change it

**_< hue changed _ ** **_According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible’s nickname to_ ** **baby yoda** **_>_ **

**baby yoda:** okay ill go with it

**baby yoda:** change my name on the other chats

**hue:** sure

**Oh look. I’ve been impaled:** baby yoda baby baby yoda

**elphaba thropp:** guys missy posted a cover of dont lose ur head from six

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** YES YES YES

**DoNt lOsE uR hEaD:** wait which one

**elphaba thropp:** twelves missy

**hue:** oh good

**miraculous self cest**

**bugaboo:** Alright which one of you changed our nicknames to Miraculous Ladybug themed shit

**bdsm furry:** twas probably that random user who shows up every chapter to remind us that she is returning

**sugar mama mayura:** she is returning

**bdsm furry:** my point exactly

**hawk daddy chan:** how is bdsm furry related to miraculous ladybug

**bugaboo:** Have you SEEN Chat Noir

**hawk daddy chan:** touche

**Miraculous salters keep making me OOC:** Why are yall talking about Miraculous Ladybug

**bdsm furry:** literally just read the last few texts

**Miraculous salters keep making me OOC:** Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimised by bdsm furry

**bugaboo:** [raises hand quickly af]

**qweenbeeutiful:** Hello peasants, I’m here

**plagg:** why have i been added to this chat

**plagg:** fuck this is the master chat isnt it

**plagg:** who the fuck is plagg

**hawk daddy chan:** you

**bugaboo:** He’s Chat Noir’s kwami.

**Nino needs an instagram:** Basédeth on your styleth of writingeth, it shocks this Master that thou art a miraculer

**bugaboo:** oh fuck you river song

**bdsm furry:** kinky

**plagg:** id rather be on the trap street again than be on a gc with this lot

**bdsm furry:** aww are you still salty about the great british bake off

**Miraculous salters keep making me OOC:** oh the one where you were in pluto and tried to kill us by making us bake

**plagg:** no

**bdsm furry:** she lost a bet to him me over gbbo and she had to buy me tickets to space disneyland

**plagg:** dO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THEY WERE

**bdsm furry:** idc you’re just salty you lost another bet to me

**Miraculous salters keep making me OOC:** jfc

**hawk daddy chan:** was jesus a top or bottom

**plagg:** CURSED

**bugaboo:** I thought you would know

**hawk daddy chan:** oh go fuck yourself

**bugaboo:** We can repeat that two masters in a bar from way back when we were added to this fic…

**Nino needs an Instagram:** and they say i’m a meta fourth wall breaker

**plagg:** but you are…?

**bdsm furry:** threesome

**bugaboo:** With you? No. I don’t need to hear Disney songs while I shag myself.

**Miraculous salters keep making me OOC:** LSKDJFHGVGHJKL

**plagg:** eye-

**plagg:** im leaving

**_< plagg left the chat>_ **

**hawk daddy chan:** rip :’)

**Six Queens**

**<** **_YazKhan created the chat:_ ** **Six Queens** **_>_ **

**_< YazKhan added RoseTyler and 4 others>_ **

**_< YazKhan set 6 nicknames>_ **

**Arosegon:** what is this

**Cl(ara)eves:** what

**hugoward:** why am i on this chat im. boy

**Yaz Boleyn:** bc you’re one of the doctor’s companions and youre nice

**seymourtha:** Not everyone is here though

**Bill Parr:** Amy, River, and Lynda need to be added

**Yaz Boleyn:** skdfjhsjkidfh

**Yaz Boleyn:** no criticism

**hugoward:** thats cleves’ line???

**Arosegon:** Just ask the Doctor to take you to see the queens

**Yaz Boleyn:** skdfghjsf wE’RE SOCIAL DISTANCING

**Yaz Boleyn:** besides i want to see the musical its the principle

**Cl(ara)eves:** Anne Boleyn was a fantastic kisser

**seymourtha:** wait so why are we the queens

**_< Yaz Boleyn added AmyPond and 2 other>_ **

**_< Yaz Boleyn set 2 nicknames>_ **

**señorita amy:** what is my nickname

**señorita amy:** what is this

**maggie moss:** why

**hugoward:** no one knows why this exists

**river joan:** Hello fellow queens and Mum

**señorita amy:** ex CUSE ME I BIRTHED YOU I DESERVE BETTER

**Yaz Boleyn:** so did jane seymour

**hugoward:** ...i dont think theyre gonna get our six references

**hugoward:** tbh there should be a companion chat

**Cl(ara)eeves:** oh shite we forgot about that!!

**maggie moss:** i forgot when this chapter is set

**river joan:** we’ve all done spokania but author still hasnt

**Arosegon:** for gods sake just add hugo to the companion chat

**Companion Chatroom**

**_< boleyn added HugoWarner>_ **

**HugoWarner:** hi

**rory gilmore:** wait who changed the usernames???

**The Lucky Rabbit:** probably whoever changed them on the fam chat

**mrs potts:** i have just been informed that this chapter is set after the adventures on spokania, once everyone up to 14 and hugo have experienced it

**mamma mia:** first of all what the fuck

**mamma mia:** second of all hi hugo

**_< hue changed HugoWarner’s nickname to baby yoda_ ** **>**

**baby yoda:** hi

**rory gilmore:** sorry in advance i kinda spoiled your existece to everybody else

**baby yoda:** ???

**aurora:** I think its cute that the doctor has a boyfriend

**baby yoda:** i wISH

**mrs potts:** ???

**captain jack sparrow:** i feel like this is the newest running joke in this fic

**martha stewart:** coughs in she is returning

**mickey Mouse:** coughs in no one knowing those two randos on the cooties chat

**The Lucky Rabbit:** wait how do you know them

**mickey Mouse:** i’m mickey smith

**The Lucky Rabbit:** valid

**MUSICALS:** sadly that is also a running jokek

**Holden Caulfield:** i still dont get my nickname :/

**nabisco biscuit:** I figured it out. Holden Caulfield is the protagonist of the Catcher in the Rye. Rye as in Ryan

**Holden Caulfield:** clever

**baby yoda:** yall out here haivng all these clever nicknames and mine is a meme from 2019

**rory gilmore:** you’re a meme from 2019

**baby yoda:** sodifugshjkfugh

**aurora:** omg

**mamma mia:** damn rory

**boleyn:** @captain jack sparrow my quid??

**captain jack sparrow:** perish

**Cats the Musical:** Damn I forgot that this existed

**Cats the Musical:** I’m @marie antoinette on fam. lover of le titty

**aurora:** … why is that your nickname

**Cats the Musical:** idek ask author

**hue:** im not telling anyone

**mickey Mouse:** dont eat me

**aurora:** what

**martha stewart:** I was about to make a REALLY dirty joke

**The Lucky Rabbit:** martha?? making a dirty joke??? in tHIS ECONOMY-

**aurora:** and i OOP

**The Lucky Rabbit:** author out here really bringing back our old jokes

**chaos (mute this if it bothers you)**

**Yes you know who I am:** Who changed the nicknames

**roes taylir:** whomst’d’ve’nt’s

**if i breath i’m a th(e)t(a):** wwwwwgayyyy @cozshay

**cozshay:** this nickname is so stupid

**literally nick carraway:** What the fuck is my nickname

**gay:** gay

**rose taylir:** username checks out

**authority kink:** wheres amy

**literally nick carraway:** here

**5:** oh its bc you guys suffered in new york like in the great gatsby

**jack off:** i read the gay gatsby once

**jack off:** saucy erotica

**gay:** please never say that again

**hugabug:** Im killing whoever set my nickname

**dorktor twink:** ^^^^^

**authority kink:** ^^^^^

**Dalek kin:** ^^^^^

**lakdfghfjsk:** why is my nickname a keyboard smash

**Disco Hippie:** You’re probably a keyboard smash

**lakdfghfjsk:** im literally the sexy bitch this is. wrong

**gay:** ur wrong

**Dalek kin:** aliufyhdjsk bILL FOR THE KILL

**This is supposed to be a crack fic, right:** reminder that i exist. thanks 

**stop forgetting me:** Hey guys since us minor characters are here for joke purposes only, hi, hope you didnt forget us

**5:** who are you

**^^^:** grant and lucy… new yorkers… hes a superhero

**cozshay:** im a super hoe and so is thete

**hugabug:** oof

**#actualtree:** heres my line, see you in 10 chapters

**me:** she is returning

**GIVE ME CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:** she is returning

**gay:** uhhh heather you ok

**GIVE ME CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:** i will be when im fleshed out

**Dalek kin:** I seriously hate April Fool’s Day

**jack off:** suddenly this entire chapter makes sense

**I want my love in corona times chapter already:** Okay but this was supposed to be the love in corona times chapter

**hue:** yes but im busy writing this chapter. well i’ll already have written it when the readers read it

**jack off:** its also probably not april fools day when they read this

**hue:** oh well

**hue:** i didnt write this much for nothing

**rye bread:** guys what if we forget this ever happened???

**literally nick carraway:** We already did, remember?

**literally nick carraway:** When the Unravelling unexisted

**gay:** is that a word

**elphaba thropp:** yes

**galinda:** i dont get my name

**hue:** neither do i

**hue:** where IS galinda

**elphaba thropp:** who is galinda

**BDSM:** i’ll do you one better

**BDSPM:** why is galinda

**hue:** oh thank god we did the meme

**hugabug:** yay memes

**dorktor twink:** all i do is meme and cry like a gen z-er

**hue:** mood

**Wot:** Did anyone NOT get any any page time this chapter

**handjob:** donna 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

**Wot:** omg emojis!!! how do i use them i forgot

**5:** im not reteaching you

**Wot:** wot why 😭

**Wot:** pretend its a happy face

**This was supposed to be a crack fic, right:** uhh why

**lakdfghfjsk:** lakdfghfjsk

**dna:** i didnt get any

**dna:** anyway see you later

**Dalek kin:** ah danny you cryptid

**Wot:** seriously how do i use emojis

**biskit:** We already covered this in the “wait, this isn’t chapter 1?” chapter, we’re not doing this again

**yasss yaz:** and in chapter 1

**authority kink:** i am confused

**rye bread:** this is a chappie 1 joke

**authority kink:** ok

**dorktor twink:** oh so thats why rory was nicknamed bottom energy

**authority kink:** askdjfhdsjkd shut up

**5:** omg

**roes taylir:** idk who didnt get any screen time

**Wot:** wot

**Dalek kin:** username checks out

**dorktor twink:** ...this isnt tv

**handjob:** yall this chapter is so long the daleks and cyberman invaded earth again

**hue:** i’M GETTING BACK TO THAT

**roes taylir:** lmao imagine

**gay:** this is our obligatory crack chapter for april fools day

**Wot:** did we ever figure out who those doppelgangers were

**literally nick carraway:** probably the unknown.entity whose sole purpose is saying she is returning

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**literally nick carraway:** my point exactly

**authority kink:** sigh

**hugabug:** anyway happy 30th yall

**hugabug:** and happy april fool’s day

**hugabug:** @hue you better get to writing the love in corona times chapter that everyone wants so much

**Twitter**

**hue** @mysticpendragon

hugabug and the rest of the fam are making me write the social distancing chapter so byeee im logging off now

|

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

eye-

|

**also hue** @notyourhugabug

damn right

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahjksdjhgfcdx i dont fucking know what that was
> 
> also!!! we has a discord server! on the server, you can chat w other readers and i, talk doctor who and this fic, and if you want, watch me write the fic (and in the future, we can collab on this piece of work or smthn skdfhg) live and give me suggestions or smthn. come join the fun!!!
> 
> discord link is https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM


	31. love in the time of corona (interlude part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rory: in all seriousness please practice social distancing while being romantic
> 
> hugo: i should probably wash my hands before i cuddle attack 14
> 
> clara: oh thats actually p cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo hi have this mess of a chapter

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** yall better be social distancing

**RoseTyler:** ^^^^

**AmyPond:** imagine not social distancing

**RoryWilliams:** As a nurse, please help save lives by social distancing. It’s super important!

**MarthaJones:** I cannot emphasise that enough

**BillPotts:** oh to be gay in corona times and in love

**CaptainJack:** 50k words, strangers to lovers

**RoseTyler:** what

**Doctor14:** i am somehow experiencing deja vu and whiplash at the same time

**ClaraOswald:** mood

**MadameVastra:** This chatroom never fails to confuse me.

**YazKhan:** is there a point to this chapter

**BadWolf:** yes, it’s low quality crack while author writes our storyline

**RoryWilliams:** our what

**FriendlyTheDalek:** HE STILL HAS A FEW CHAPTERS LEFT REGARDING THE DALEK-CYBERMAN STORYLINE

**RyanSinclair:** i feel like that storyline has been going on since like chapter 13

**Doctor13:** thats bc it has

**RiverSong:** And we thought the ‘she was returning’ storyline was long

**BadWolf:** She is returning…

**ClaraOswald:** bets bets let’s place bets

**AmyPond:** its going to be mels

**LyndaMoss:** my money is still on linda with an i

**HarrietJones:** That Slitheen mayor from Cardiff

**RoseTyler:** parallel version of me

**BadWolf:** rob tyler

**RoseTyler:** OASKDFJGHBFHDJSIOSIDJHB

**Corin:** wait who’s rob tyler???

**RoseTyler:** he’s a gay bloke version of me from a version of the earth where it just kept raining

**MarthaJones:** That sounds like a mysticpendragon crack fic plot

**JackieTyler:** actually it’s a big finish audio

**JackieTyler:** it’s one of the adventures in the ‘rose tyler: dimension cannon’ anthology, and i highly recommend it

**JackieTyler:** as well as the lives of captain jack. volume three has river and i!

**Doctor13:** wot

**BillPotts:** jackie out here going meta

**Doctor14:** Guys this is the coronavirus chapter, stay on topic

**RiverSong:** actually im p sure it’s called ‘love in the time of corona’ or smthn and half of us commisserate over our crushes on your past selves (and in your new bf’s case, you)

**OswinOswald:** The Doctor has a boyfriend?

**RoryWilliams:** he claims it’s his best friend but half of the discord server thinks otherwise

**ClaraOswald:** not just discord

**BillPotts:** c o o t i e s

**MarthaJones:** what

**LyndaMoss:** what

**HugoWarner:** oh, to yearn for the doctor

**HugoWarner:** oh shit am i supposed to be here yet

**Doctor14:** ehhh im p sure this is outside of canon time and space so who cares

**Doctor14:** yearn after me but our story isnt until later

**AmyPond:** ooh doctor your sto r y

**CaptainJack:** if its not gay ill be disappointed

**Doctor14:** laughs nervously in asexual

**CaptainJack:** valid

**RoseTyler:** ^^^

**BillPotts:** ^^^

**ClaraOswald:** ^^^

**_< RoryWilliams sent an attachment: _ ** babyyodameme.jpg **_>_ **

**BillPotts:** oh my gosh it’s baby yoda

**RoryWilliams:** oh damn sorry wrong chat

**CaptainJack:** id like to know in which chatroom a baby yoda sipping tea meme saying “watching shit go down in the fam chat” applies

**ClaraOswald:** we can see the meme…

**CaptainJack:** yeah but author was too lazy to make it but the viewers might have been curious

**RoseTyler:** readers

**CaptainJack:** same viewers

**FriendlyTheDalek:** BABY YODA IS THE KING OF THE DALEKS

**RoseTyler:** i thought my mum was the queen

**JackieTyler:** i am the what

**BillPotts:** oof

**YazKhan:** the dalek queen???

**YazKhan:** i. vaguely remember that being a plot

**RyanSinclair:** that was literally never a plotline

**RyanSinclair:** author just abandoned it

**GrahamOBrien:** Oh well

**AmyPond:** i feel like half this chat is making fun of this fic and im here for it

**mysticpendragon:** honestly same

**BadWolf:** whoa what the fuck

**BadWolf:** i did not know you were returning

**RoseTyler:** thats a first

**Doctor13:** guys stay on track. lust over me

**CaptainJack:** as you wish

**RoryWilliams:** sorry w ha t

**YazKhan:** with pleasure ;)

**HugoWarner:** uhhh what

**RoseTyler:** i miss having chapters that were just pure cocaine fodder

**AmyPond:** hoo boy you have clearly never been to spokania

**ClaraOswald:** wait you’ve been to spokania??

**YazKhan:** i dont remember you being there

**AmyPond:** twas a long time ago, before the time of corona, before whatever the fuck the first 30 chapters of this fic were…

**AmyPond:** on rory and i’s gay anniversary

**CaptainJack:** your what

**RoryWilliams:** the anniversary of when we got together

**BillPotts:** yes but your gay anniversary

**Doctor13:** for once i am out of the loop

**RiverSong:** penny in the air

**RyanSinclair:** ok??

**AmyPond:** oh i thought rory was gay

**RoryWilliams:** i will confess that i too thought you were gay

**AmyPond:** whoaaa what

**RoryWilliams:** i mean you never paid attention to me or any other boys so i just. thought you were gay

**RoryWilliams:** also before we found out she was our daughters, mel just exuded ya know. energy

**RiverSong:** way to be specific dad

**AmyPond:** uhh what about j e f f

**RoryWilliams:** error in your judgment

**Doctor14:** im w he ezing

**ClaraOswald:** next up on pond family drama

**Corin:** so your gay anniversary celebrates you not being gay

**AmyPond:** yes

**BillPotts:** interesting

**AmyPond:** anyway unrelated but isnt today about unrequited crushing on the doctor unless you’re rose or river

**RoryWilliams:** SFHSKF AMY

**AmyPond:** ;)

**ClaraOswald:** what

**Doctor13:** wot

**AmyPond:** i’ll leave that gay subtext there ;)

**RoseTyler:** yo the doctor thirst chat is finally relevant

**thirsty**

**rose:** someone rename the chat

**_< hugo renamed the chat to_ ** the doctor’s hoes **_>_ **

**hugo:** if we’re really going to thirst after our iNDIVIDUAL doctors

**clara:** wait why do we still have this chat

**amy:** thirst

**bill:** mostly after 9-11 and 13

**bill:** hugo is the sole 14 thirster

**river:** excuse me i am here for ALL except 14

**hugo:** hes my dork

**amy:** hol up

**_< amy added RoryWilliams>_ **

**_< amy set RoryWilliams’ nickname to rory>_ **

**rory:** why am i here

**amy:** married couples do everything together, including thirsting after the doctor

**rory:** … martha and mickey arent here

**rose:** yes but mickey didnt thirst after the doctor

**rory:** this is awkward

**yaz:** ehh you get used to it

**missy:** heyyyy sisters

**missy:** im unboxing the DOCTORS LATEST PRESENT!!! zomg

**river:** ah the server cryptid

**bill:** come out have you

**missy:** honey i was out before you were born

**bill:** sdfhjiASJDFH THATS NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING BUT OK

**rory:** in all seriousness please practice social distancing while being romantic

**hugo:** i should probably wash my hands before i cuddle attack 14

**clara:** oh thats actually p cute

**jack:** HEY SISTERS

**jack:** i see missy beat me to it

**missy:** damn right

**jack:** oh look, rory’s here!

**jack:** welcome to the thirst chat

**koschei:** whomst’d’ve’ll’n’t’eth

**theta:** i still dont get why i’m here

**missy:** the me me

**bill:** clever thots with missy time

**missy:** cmon thete! have a bit of selfcest, does wonders for me

**saxony:** Change my nickname, @admin.

**amy:** no

**bill:** no

**rose:** ;)

**rose:** no

**saxony:** Fuck y’all.

**rose:** sorry not sorry bout what i said

**yaz:** I WAS TRYNA HAVE SOME FUN

**rose:** rip saxony :( (??? - 2020)

**rose:** cause of death: couldnt handle a nickname

**furry:** weak

**saxony:** Says the furry. Yiff, yiff.

**missy:** disgusting, cancelled

**gamery:** my name is so dumb

**hugo:** yeah anyone named ‘master’ has a -294738457498 intelligence stat

**gamery:** salty much??

**hugo:** yeah actually

**rose:** oooh tragic backstory time yet?

**hugo:** the master is evil

**bill:** noah fence but is that news

**clara:** honey we been knew

**jack:** ^^^^

**hugo:** at least with social distancing i dont have to see them anymore :)

**gamery:** yes ab that

**saxony:** Mwahahaha.

**hugo:** sorry does anyone else hear some crickets trying to be relevant

**furry:** thats offensive

**rose:** to the crickets

**bill:** apologise to the crickets, hugo

**hugo:** sorry crickets

**amy:** [the crickets]: We forgive you!

**rory:** am i the only one here who isnt high

**missy:** yes

**Fam**

**RyanSinclair:** anyway that’s what i sing when i wash my hands for 20 seconds

**Doctor13:** Very good Ryan! Would anyone else like to share their COVID-19 hacks?

**HugoWarner:** dear god i’ve stepped into youtube

**JackieTyler:** we’re showing our love and support for frontline workers by advocating for better wages, safer workplace, practices, etc.

**Doctor13:** that’s great! thanks for sharing jackie

**BillPotts:** is this a coronavirus support group

**RoseTyler:** looks like it

**_< RiverSong changed the chatroom name to _ ** **Coronavirus Support Group** **_>_ **

**GrahamOBrien:** Nice.

**GrahamOBrien:** I have been experiencing some confusion as of late. Why are people going out despite the fact that we still need social distancing? Why are people protesting quarantines?

**Doctor13:** selfishness

**RiverSong:** capitalism

**MarthaJones:** ignorance

**ClaraOswald:** d.) all of the above

**RoseTyler:** gosh so hard to pick

**RoseTyler:** (guys pick d)

**AmyPond:** leave it to clara to turn everything into a quiz

**ClaraOswald:** you can take a teacher out of the classroom, but you can’t take the classroom out of the teacher

**RoryWilliams:** profound

**RustyTheDalek:** WELL SAID, CLARA OSWALD

**BillPotts:** i s2g i dont even know what happened here

**Doctor13:** everything changed when the fire nation attacked

**Doctor14:** i have no idea who that was but that wasn’t me

**HugoWarner:** “not all men”

**HugoWarner:** you’re right, fourteen would never

**ClaraOswald:** lmao

**Doctor13:** rofl

**JackieTyler:** doctor, no one says rofl anymore

**MarthaJones:** im experiencing this thing called deja vu

**LyndaMoss:** yoooo trump is trending on twitter

**Doctor14:** again?

**Doctor14:** when will the human race ever learn

**Twitter**

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

uhh idk who needs to hear this but the president is not a reliable source of information regarding the current coronavirus pandemic. please listen instead to reliable sources, such as the WHO and CDC among others. (1/2)

|

**spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

do your part to prevent misinformation from spreading! also, let’s try and keep social distancing and quarantining maybe?? i know it’s tough, but everyone hates it so let’s just deal with it together

|

**spider-yeet** @officialwebslinger

@yeeterparkour ^^^ what this guy said

|

**so fine i blow ur mind** @heymissy

@yeeterparkour rt for my followers!

|

**The Ladyblog** @officialladyblog

@yeeterparkour very important information!!!

|

**the impossi-bi girl** @claraoswald

@yeeterparkour Just an addition, I cannot stress how important it is to listen to officials concerning quarantine! I know that it can be difficult to stay in your house all day, but maintaining social distancing will make this thing go a LOT quicker.

**fourteen** @dorktorwho

uhhh noah fence but if you prioritise the economy over human lives, you need to sort your priorities

|

**lyndaaaa** @isurvivedbigbrother

@dorktorwho this is honestly so important. wanna know why the earth was so smoggy and messed up in 200100? capitalism. you may be wondering why i’m blaming capitalism. it’s because of unregulated corporation (1/?)

|

**lyndaaaa** @isurvivedbigbrother

@dorktorwho in order to fight climate change, we need to fight capitalism. we need to make sure that big corp isn’t able to lobby for looser regulations on environmental impact, workers’ rights, etc. these are all connected (2/?)

|

**lyndaaaa** @isurvivedbigbrother

@dorktorwho that being said, we CANNOT open up our countries again to spur economic recovery. it’ll cost lives – and SURPRISE! it’s gonna be the lives of the working class. so stay on your arse, stay home, save lives. (3/?)

|

**lyndaaaa** @isurvivedbigbrother

@dorktorwho we need to be united as working class citizens. the enemy is not each other, it’s multibillionaires and big corporations. if you truly want to give back to frontline workers, then simply STAY HOME and prioritise human life over corporations. (4/4)

|

**fourteen** @dorktorwho

@isurvivedbigbrother very good addition, thanks lynda!! vv important stuff.

**Contact: bf**

**bf:** what if,,, we were quarantined together and social distancing,,,, and we just so happened to find each other in our beds,,, and we cuddled,,, jk… unless?

**You:** i’ll take you out if you ever make me read something like that again

**bf:** as in. on a date…? or are you gonna kill me

**You:** yes

**bf:** good luck trying to kill me time boy

**bf:** it’d break you

**You:** i hate it when you’re right

**bf:** you know you dont

**You:** i dont

**bf:** am i still saved in your contacts as “bf”

**You:** yes

**bf:** maybe we can change that :)

**You:** oh i can change it back to hugo if you want

**bf:** im bad at flirting and you’re oblivious. how do i get anywhere with you

**You:** oh idk

**You:** this whole being a teenager thing is kinda new. it’s been what

**You:** 4 billion years?

**bf:** damn you’re old

**You:** i could’ve lived 293485789348783 lives before my first one

**bf:** lmao you probably did in chibby who

**bf:** but i meant “bf <3” or something

**bf:** its okay. sorry, i know you’re ace

**You:** if you’re interested, i’m demiromantic.

**bf:** wait. as in

**You:** romantic attraction after having formed a strong bond? yeah i think so

**bf:** does this mean

**You:** i’ll get the plates and utensils, you get the cheesecake

**You:** we’re watching cheesy gay rom-coms from the 51st century

**bf:** oh you really know how to make a boy swoon

**Coronavirus Support Group**

**HugoWarner:** there truly is love in corona times

**CaptainJack:** whoaa what happened

**Doctor14:** oi are we watching two boys and a demon monkey in outer space or what

**RoseTyler:** whooaaaa what

**HugoWarner:** coming!

**AmyPond:** whoa someone tell me what’s going on

**Doctor14:** love in the time of corona

**HugoWarner:** wouldn’t you like to know

**BillPotts:** you go gays

**HugoWarner:** ;)

**Doctor14:** we’re muting this chat, it’s date night

**RoseTyler:** clara, you owe me 100 quid

**ClaraOswald:** damn yall couldnt have waited until after the dalek cyberman war storyline

**BillPotts:** yOU GUYS BETTED ON THEM???

**HugoWarner:** everyone owes me 50 quid. i told you he’d be the one to ask me out

**BillPotts:** this is the last time i ever place a bet

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im kinda going on a mini hiatus until may?? its camp nanowrimo rn so i'm focusing on other projects and p much putting every fandom project on hold. i'll be back soon with more gay content though!!
> 
> discord link: https://discord.gg/ufTEdWM
> 
> anyway stay home if you can and stay lives. stay safe, social distance, and wash your hands for 20 seconds! this too shall pass


	32. the doctor had a what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BadWolf: emotionally insecure rabbit furries
> 
> RyanSinclair: i did not nEED or wANT to wake up to this today
> 
> BadWolf: too bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sisters welcome to another doctor who slime tutorial featuring a bunch of gay dumbasses!

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** anyone else feel like they’re forgetting something

**RyanSinclair:** i forgot to bring fucks to give

**Doctor13:** rude

**RyanSinclair:** aldfjskdfj i meant for alien maniacs

**YazKhan:** spokania was supposed to be rELAXING why the fuck are you going off again

**Doctor13:** idk

**Doctor13:** i just feel like there was supposed to be someone else at spokania??

**GrahamOBrien:** Jack Harkness

**Doctor13:** yeah like him and my dead wife

**YazKhan:** your what

**Doctor13:** dont question it

**RyanSinclair:** ok

**GrahamOBrien:** Maybe we should all take a break from travelling. Doc, you need more R&R.

**GrahamOBrien:** In Sheffield.

**YazKhan:** ig i could go back to work???

**RyanSinclair:** same

**GrahamOBrien:** Maybe fitting in with our normal lives will help you.

* * *

‘So what do we need to do?’ Amy asked. ‘And is this going to kill us, or create a giant paradox?’

‘Wait, why would it cause a paradox if you died?’ Rose asked.

‘Oh, damn, you’re right,’ Fourteen said, pacing. ‘If you die here, then… yes. It would create a paradox.’

‘Could the two cancel each other out?’ Yaz asked. ‘The Unravelling, Clara’s, and the Ponds’?’

‘Wait,’ Martha said. ‘Who said anything about dying? Is there a way to survive flying into a giant, world-ending time explosion?’

‘I’ve done it a couple of times before,’ Thirteen said, ‘just erased me from time.’

Twelve finally spoke up. ‘The point here isn’t to create a paradox. It’s to prevent the paradox that made all of my history happen at once from ever happening.’

‘Kid Doctor, you’ve been through this a couple of times already, haven’t you? What happens?’

Fourteen sighed. He couldn’t keep up the pretense that he knew  _ exactly _ it had happened. In his defence, it had been years since he last did this, and he only remembered what he had let himself remember. ‘I don’t remember.’

‘What do you mean, you don’t remember?’ Rory exclaimed angrily. ‘You want Amy to fly into the heart of exploding time – which we haven’t established to be the  _ definite _ way to stop this space shabamba– and you  _ don’t remember _ ?’

Fourteen turned away from the rest of the group. ‘Yes.’

Rory threw his arms up in frustration and moved off to the side.

‘Do you think it’ll change time?’ Amy asked Fourteen.

He nodded.

‘Then it’s settled. Rory and I are going to fly together into the heart of whatever caused all of this, and we’re going to rewrite time.’

‘Are you sure that’s the right decision?’ Rose asked. ‘Once you die, there’s no going back.’

‘Actually –’ Jack started.

‘You haven’t met the Ponds yet. Us Ponds flirt with death!'

'So are we doing this?' Rory asked.

'Yes. But you're coming with me. We do this together – or not at all.'

* * *

‘So did it work?’ Yaz asked.

‘Yeah,’ Fourteen said. ‘The Spy Master, Thirteen, and Jack pinpointed the location of the time fracture to where you all accidentally brought up River Song. Amy and Rory took a vortex manipulator into the heart of the Unravelling, and, well, the rest is history.’

He looked out into the unknown. He wasn’t going to mention the part of their history that only he remembered: the time that time forgot. When the Unravelling was undone, it reset all of their lives so that they had never met. The Dalek and Cyberman war on Gallifrey never happened, but the Master had discovered a terrible secret about the history of the Time Lords and subsequently turned everyone on Gallifrey into Cybermen. Rose and Corin were returned to Torchwood to do their work. Martha and Mickey once again continued their freelancing, and the Space Gays continued being gay and stopping crime. Amy and Rory returned to the 1900s to live out the rest of their lives, and Hugo never met him. All was as it should have been.

But Fourteen still existed. It seemed as if a cosmic force outside of everyone’s control kept him around, but that was a story for another day.

Time was unwritten and rewritten, but still the question remained: how did he come back?

The answer was tangled up in the folds of time and space itself, and Fourteen decided he wouldn’t question it. It was all a miracle.

They all still met each other, as fate dictated, and left their proper times. Harriet and Lynda and the rest of the people who’d died and come back came again, and everyone remembered each other and their various escapades.

Okay, now it was bugging him. It was true that everything was timey-wimey, but he couldn’t for the love of time itself remember  _ how _ everything had gone back to the way it was while preserving the end of the Unravelling.

And then it hit him.

The Crypt on Evermore. Where stories ended and stories began, and time was restored. That had to be part of it, right?

Or maybe not. Maybe that was another story.

Why couldn’t he remember?

‘Doctor?’ Yaz asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

‘Yeah?’ he looked up.

‘Got something on your mind?’

‘I can’t remember how everything changed. We stopped the Unravelling, I unexisted, and then I came back. But I can’t remember  _ what _ happened to reverse the reversal.’

* * *

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** guys stop banging on my door

**Doctor13:** i’m not going to tell you the importance of that song

**YazKhan:** come on

**YazKhan:** the song of the woman who saved the worlds? that SCREAMS you

**Doctor13:** its not ab me

**RyanSinclair:** then who is it about

**Doctor13:** I said i’m not telling you

**_< Doctor13 has left the chat>_ **

**GrahamOBrien:** Guys, maybe we should leave her alone and stop prying.

**YazKhan:** i spose you’re right

**RyanSinclair:** have either of you ever heard about a donna noble

**YazKhan:** no

**GrahamOBrien:** No

**RyanSinclair:** the tardis is saying that the song is about her

**GrahamOBrien:** Mate, you should stop. The Doc will go mad if she finds out you’re looking up things that you shouldn’t be looking up.

**_< Unknown.Entity added CaptainJack>_ **

**CaptainJack:** whoa hello there

**RyanSinclair:** wait unknown.entity??

**Unknown.Entity:** Not even the unravelling of the Unravelling can truly stop what is meant to be…

**GrahamOBrien:** creepy

**GrahamOBrien:** I’m telling the Doc.

**YazKhan:** wait dont

**CaptainJack:** she lets you call her the doc??

**YazKhan:** no

**GrahamOBrien:** Yes

**CaptainJack:** damn, she never let me

**RyanSinclair:** i have a bad feeling about this

**YazKhan:** honestly same

**YazKhan:** i feel like we’re going into like. the twilight zone lmao

**Fam**

**Doctor14:** my life is a fanfiction

**HugoWarner:** way to get all self aware on us

**RoseTyler:** oh thats nice

**CaptainJack:** yALL i just found a version of all the gcs that like,, never happened??

**ClaraOswald:** whoa what

**CaptainJack:** yeah like there was a whole convo where we called the doctor’s dick a banana

**BillPotts:** ofc you lot would come up with that

**CaptainJack:** yeah no you were in on it

**BillPotts:** i spit out my coffee

**RiverSong:** Sounds fun how did you find it if it didn’t exist?

**CaptainJack:** facebook

**CaptainJack:** joking, someone hacked my phone

**AmyPond:** rip you

**RoryWilliams:** Who hacked your phone?

**BadWolf:** she is returning

**JackHarkness:** is that

**JackHarkness:** is that a confession

**Doctor13:** hi guys what are we talking about?

**RoseTyler:** Bad Wolf hacked Jacks phone and he saw a conversation that doesnt exist

**Doctor13:** oh so my normal saturday morning

**YazKhan:** yoo @Doctor14 does this have to do w your memory issues

**HugoWarner:** wait his what??

**ClaraOswald:** he didnt forget me again did he

**YazKhan:** no but apparently theres a ton of shit that never actually happened

**Corin:** like a war between the daleks and the cybermen on gallifrey?

**Doctor14:** yeah actually

**Doctor12:** Same here

**Doctor14:** arent you all having horny time

**RoseTyler:** what

**GrahamOBrien:** I think I dreamed about that once.

**BadWolf:** dont question it

**Reinette:** Which, of course, means ‘question it with all of your heart’.

**LyndaMoss:** hey guys whats the unravelling

**BadWolf:** dont question it

**HugoWarner:** the what

**MarthaJones:** i feel like i should know what that is

**RoryWilliams:** ^^^^

**BadWolf:** emotionally insecure rabbit furries

**RyanSinclair:** i did not nEED or wANT to wake up to this today

**BadWolf:** too bad

**RoseTyler:** did you mean: judy hopps

**YazKhan:** ksdfhskf

**ClaraOswald:** honestly zootopia was a furry wet dream

**RoryWilliams:** my eyes need bleach

**Doctor14:** bl ea c h for m y sou l

**HugoWarner:** oh look you’ve gone and corrupted his innocence

**HugoWarner:** when will yOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS

**HugoWarner:** HAVE CONSEQUENCES

**CaptainJack:** damn sis popped off

**BillPotts:** furry cult, furry cult

**RoseTyler:** what the fuck is a furry

**HugoWarner:** i forgot you’re from 2005

**RyanSinclair:** did furries not exist in 2005

**HugoWarner:** idk do i look like im majoring in furry studies

**AmyPond:** anthropology

**Doctor14:** that means something completely different

**RiverSong:** ok but have you considered: the doctor is a furry

**RoseTyler:** wHAT

**RiverSong sent an attachment:** ElevenInFursuit.jpg

**AmyPond:** oh my god

**ClaraOswald:** every day i find out that he is kinkier than i imagined

**RoryWilliams:** mORE EY E BLEACH

**Doctor14:** ah yes my cringe phase

**BillPotts:** isnt that your whole life

**Doctor14:** oUCH

**RoseTyler:** still better than the phase when all he could think about was shagging the master

**Doctor14:** NO

**Corin:** DONT

**MarthaJones:** uhh excuse me

**RoseTyler:** two words: academy years

**Doctor Thirst Club**

**martha:** i demand to know what the academy years are

**koschei:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**rose:** oh no

**hugo:** i would like to know

**yaz:** apparently the doctor had a shagging the master phase??

**missy:** Oh yes sis he did

**missy:** i can see it now

**missy:** THE DOCTOR’S SECRET SEX LIFE! (storytime)

**clara:** you are not posting this on youtube or any other video site

**missy:** well you’re no fun

**rory:** i dont know why im here

**amy:** bc you have/had a thing for the doctor??

**rory:** lies

**rory:** you are speaking lies

**missy:** picture it. gallifrey, long before your ancestors were even walking

**missy:** the doctor was a horny 90-year-old with a libido bigger than my ego

**koschei:** oh my gods do you know how many times he told me to stop doing my homework so i could do him instead

**rose:** oh my god

**yaz:** i never want to see the words “horny 90-year-old” again

**koschei:** In our terms, thats like 16 human years. ish

**yaz:** still

**river:** oh are you talking about the doctors shagging the master phase

**rory:** yes

**river:** koschei needs to send the pictures of the doc’s furry fashion line

**yaz:** hIS WHAT

**Contact: Idiot <3**

**You:** do you want me to stop the doctor thirst group from talking about your furry fashion line and your academy years

**idiot <3:** idrc i’m past that

**You:** ok

**You:** seriously tho. a furry fashion line??

**idiot <3:** i changed my mind, change the topic

**You:** ok

**You:** hows your memory thing going??

**idiot <3:** damn i hoped you wouldnt remember

**idiot <3:** still trying to remember.

* * *

**Contact: +21423151206**

**+21423151206:** it is almost time to return…..

**You:** WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

**You:** DONT BLOODY TEXT ME, SUSAN

**+21423151206:** in time…

**+21423151206:** all will be revealed.

**+21423151206:** but really, though – don’t be so bovvered.

**You:** I AIN’T BOVVERED

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon? who's she, never heard of her??? anyway im trying to update again but damn life is hectic
> 
> the "susan" in the chapter isnt the doctors grandaugther, it's just a nickname that means the same thing as calling someone a karen
> 
> anyway hope you enjoyed whatever the hell this was.


	33. is this the end of the recurring "she is returning" subplot? who knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DonnaNoble: who the hell is the mistress
> 
> RoseTyler: leader of the secret underground furry boxing ring on spokania
> 
> RoryWilliams: Guys maybe we should try to answer Donna’s questions properly?
> 
> HugoWarner: no she actually is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there is another chapter. pls enjoy

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ Thirteen frowned at the woman on the TARDIS. ‘You’re supposed to be dying right now –– you can’t remember me. If you remember me, or the TARDIS, or any of it –– you’ll die!’

‘Well, that’s rude,’ Donna Noble said. ‘And here I thought you were going to give me a warm welcome, spacewoman.’

She offered the Doctor a smile before doubling forwards, clutching her head in pain. Graham and Yaz rushed to her, helping her up. 

‘How did you even get here?’ 

Donna remembered it vividly. She had been in the hospital visiting her grandfather – Wilf, who by the way, was perfectly okay – when she ran into a woman. Her eyes glowed gold, and suddenly, she began remembering everything.  _ Martha Jones _ . She had told her a simple phrase – she is returning, out of focus, unsure of what the words even meant – and then they’d parted ways. When she returned home, no one was there, except for a simple box with a rose on it and a small note saying,  _ Enjoy the chaos! <3 Hugo _ .

And then, after she pressed the button, a woman popped up. She was dressed in tattered rags, and her hair was messy and all over the place, but the most intriguing thing about her were her eyes, golden and full of mystery, and the mischievous smile on her face. Donna knew who she was – Rose Tyler – but this was not the same Rose she had known.

‘Hello, Donna. I’ve been waiting for you. It’s time for you to return.’

Donna was enraged. ‘Who the hell are you? And how did you get in here?’

‘I am the Bad Wolf,’ she said, ignoring her other question. ‘And I’m sorry – but this is where everything changes.’

Donna blacked out.

After recounting her story to the Doctor, she noticed that her old friend had gone pale before shaking her head and recovering. Another bout of pain ran through Donna’s head – all the memories were returning, and she’d soon die unless the Doctor did something.

Like a guardian angel, the Bad Wolf appeared in front of her, but it seemed that nobody else could see her. She pressed a finger to her lips and smiled mysteriously.

‘Sleep now, Donna. You will be safe.’

Before Donna could respond, her legs buckled, and she fell asleep.

Captain Jack Harkness rushed to her, checking for a pulse – ‘she’s alive. Doctor ––’

‘No questions. Buckle up. We’re heading somewhere.’

She set the coordinates, and zoomed away to Evermore.

**Fam**

**DonnaNoble:** now that i’m finally allowed to text here can i just say

**DonnaNoble:** i get too many notifications, what the hell is that important

**HugoWarner:** the doctor’s love life, apparently

**RoseTyler:** tHAT WAS ONE TIME-

**HugoWarner:** author dedicated a whole chapter to it

**HugoWarner:** and then is apparently continuing that storyline

**AmyPond:** what do you mean, allowed

**BadWolf:** she is returning

**DonnaNoble:** i thought that we finally established that “she” was me

**Doctor14:** OH MY GOD I REMEMBER NOW

**Doctor14:** MY MEMORY IS CLEARED UP NOW, I DONT HAVE LIKE 19385U89385938 TIMELINES IN MY HEAD

**RoryWilliams:** thats great!

**ClaraOswald:** so what happened

**Doctor14:** spoilers

**Doctor14:** besides you were there, weren’t you

**ClaraOswald:** oh

**ClaraOswald:** yeah lmao

**Companion Chatroom**

**<** **_RoseTyler added DonnaNoble_ ** **>**

**DonnaNoble:** what’s this then

**MarthaJones:** gc where we talk about the doctors behind their backs

**BillPotts:** GUYS I HAVE TEA

**AmyPond:** spill spill spill

**BillPotts:** apparently twissy is. edging towards becoming canon

**RoseTyler:** whOA what

**RiverSong:** since when

**BillPotts:** oh this is awkward

**BillPotts:** y know im gonna have to ask

**JackHarkness:** wait who told you to begin with

**BillPotts:** shit i knew she was lying!

**RoryWilliams:** ????

**HugoWarner:** you know that the mistress exclusively speaks in lies and half-truths right

**DonnaNoble:** who the hell is the mistress

**RoseTyler:** leader of the secret underground furry boxing ring on spokania

**RoryWilliams:** Guys maybe we should try to answer Donna’s questions properly?

**HugoWarner:** no she actually is

**_< HugoWarner sent an attachment:_ ** FurryBoxingRing.jpg **_>_ **

**JackHarkness:** wig: snatched

**AmyPond:** this is worse than eleven’s bowtie kink

**ClaraOswald:** when i tell you i spit out my tea

**RiverSong:** has anyone noticed that he has an unhealthy love for fezzes

**YazKhan:** oh MY GOD

**MadameVastra:** The Doctor has always had such an odd sense of fashion

**ClaraOswald:** eleven was horrendous but twelve was okay

**BillPotts:** all he wore was hoodies…..

**YazKhan:** i love the doctor but i often question her fashion choices

**DonnaNoble:** the doctor is very simple

**DonnaNoble:** they pick outfits based on how well it reflects their chaotic nature

**HugoWarner:** if you thought fezzes and bowties were bad you should see 14

**HugoWarner:** he’s all hula skirts and nerdy shirts

**BillPotts:** i would pay to see the doctor in a hula skirt

**HugoWarner:** HAHA I TOLD YOU SO ROSE

**HugoWarner:** PAY UP

**BillPotts:** wHAT THE FUCK-

**BillPotts:** do y’all have a secret betting group chat or something

**MarthaJones:** weather’s nice today isn’t it

**Betting Group Chat (DO NOT ADD BILL)**

**MarthaJones:** yall that was close

**RoseTyler:** too close

**Doctor13:** what happened?

**AmyPond:** bill nearly figured out that we have a group chat

**Heather:** she’s going to find out sometime

**Doctor13:** oh yeah we need to add donna to the “when will bill find out about this chat” betting pool

**_< RoseTyler added DonnaNoble>_ **

**RoseTyler:** @DonnaNoble do NOT tell bill about this chat

**RoseTyler:** anyway place your bet for when bill will find out about the chat

**RoryWilliams:** you forgot the rules

**RoseTyler:** oh yeah

**RoseTyler:** you can create situations to bet upon, but you can’t influence or force a bet to go in your favour

**HugoWarner:** like the bet we just did? the bet was between rose and i to see which companion would react first to me saying that the doctor wears a hula skirt

**DonnaNoble:** good lord no wonder why you’re always texting

**MarthaJones:** has anyone shared the group bet google doc with her yet

**RoseTyler:** on it

**DonnaNoble:** group bet google doc???

**Doctor13:** all of us have our own docs/notes/etc. to keep track of which bets we’re currently in

**Doctor13:** we also have a big group doc that has all the current group bets for everyone there are. nearly all of them are about bill lmao

**Doctor12:** Are we going to mention that most of them are about how Bill will respond to a bet

**LyndaMoss:** nope

**Doctor14:** WAIT @HugoWarner yOU TOLD THEM I WEAR A HULA SKIRT

**HugoWarner:** yes?

**Doctor14:** damn i thought clara was going to be the one to expose me

**ClaraOswald:** you what

**Doctor13:** haha you owe me a favour now twink

**GrahamOBrien:** That sounds really wrong.

**Doctor14:** wHEEZING

The call beckoned throughout the universe; singular in its purpose and unifying. First, a set of coordinates – the same for everyone. Second, a map and a list of names, different for each person. For River Song, her destinations were 1930s New York, where she would retrieve Amy and Rory Pond; for the Space Gays, 2020s London to retrieve Martha Jones and Mickey Smith; and for a third face, who shouldn’t have existed, a world that couldn’t be but still was, to bring Rose Tyler, Corin Smith, and the rest of Rose’s family back to his dimension.

The coordinates were the same as the Doctor’s; and if the plan of the Bad Wolf worked, then the Doctor would reunite with her friends, everyone would remember what had happened as a result of the Unravelling, and the adventure would live on.

It all depended on whether Donna Noble could survive the trials of the Tomb of Canon, and whether or not the Doctors and their fam would be able to withstand the tests that Evermore would present them with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. While it's nice to take a break and enjoy some fiction, we also need to be aware of what's happening in the world around us. Protesters around the world are fighting for equality as more and more people become aware of the injustices and racism faced by Black people. While I myself am a person of colour, I am not Black, and am currently educating myself on unlearning the racism ingrained in me and becoming a better activist and ally. 
> 
> To help you get started in finding resources to help educate yourself and support the Black Lives Matter movement, here's a helpful link: blacklivesmatter.carrd.co
> 
> Please do not let this movement fade to the background. Continue learning, listening, amplifying Black voices, and acting. We cannot go back to the status quo. Also, if you are participating in protests, be sure to stay safe and remember that the COVID-19 pandemic is still real and active! To any Black readers I may have –– I cannot understand what you are going through, but I stand with you.


	34. tell them the bitch is back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor13: i am on omegle now :)
> 
> RiverSong: LMAO
> 
> GrahamOBrien: Why
> 
> Doctor13: i put my interests as “sexy murder”, “spies”, and “destroying planets” so i might find ono
> 
> RyanSinclair: is that... is that an emoticon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no this fic is not dead im just rlly busy w life. anyway have a free chapter set earlier in the fic before rose came back and the canon got thrown out the window

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** fam what is omegle

**RyanSinclair:** NO DONT GO THERE

**YazKhan:** ye pls dont it might be dangerous

**GrahamOBrien:** It’s a webcam site that randomly matches you up with someone.

**RiverSong:** ooh is the doctor getting naughty

**Doctor13:** nO

**RiverSong:** flustered are we

**Doctor13:** i hate you

**RiverSong:** no you don’t

**CaptainJack:** PDA

**Doctor13:** like you’re one to talk

**YazKhan:** mr. the banana is strong in that one

**CaptainJack:** ADKJSAJFJSJDF

**GrahamOBrien:** I am confusion.

**RyanSinclair:** granddad... no

**YazKhan:** did you just go there

**Doctor13:** i am on omegle now :)

**RiverSong:** LMAO

**GrahamOBrien:** Why

**Doctor13:** i put my interests as “sexy murder”, “spies”, and “destroying planets” so i might find ono

**RyanSinclair:** is that... is that an emoticon

**YazKhan:** who is ono???

**RiverSong:** ^^^

**CaptainJack:** ono is whatever ono is uwu

**RyanSinclair:** banned

**GrahamOBrien:**

**RyanSinclair:** iM WHEEZING THIS DAY IS TOO MUCH

**Doctor13:** oh it set me up with missy

**Doctor13:** hELP,,, PRETTY GIRL,,,, FLIRTING

**RiverSong:** mood

**RyanSinclair:** mood

**CaptainJack:** mood

**GrahamOBrien:** Mood.

**YazKhan:** mood

**Doctor13:** hELP SHE ASKED ME ON A DATE BUT SHE’S EVIL SLASH GOOD

**RyanSinclair:** sorry how does that even work

**RiverSong:** it’s missy

**Unknown.Entity:** wow this fic is really saying thissy rights

**Unknown.Entity:** also author doesnt know if that’s the proper ship name so forgive them for that

**RiverSong:** ah yes the neighbourhood cryptid

**YazKhan:** international social media gremlin

**CaptainJack:** did you mean: the doctor

**Doctor13:** wot

**RiverSong:** nothing sweetie

**CaptainJack:** so pure and innocent :’)

**Doctor13:** i am nOT PURE AND INNOCENT

**RiverSong:** well not after a night on darilium with me you aren’t, you bad bad girl

**RyanSinclair:** HELP IM DYING

**YazKhan:** SHIT ARE YOU OKAY

**RyanSinclair:** NO IM JUST WHEEZING TOO HARD

**GrahamOBrien:** Does anyone know who “C. Oswald” is

**YazKhan:** clara oswald?

**GrahamOBrien:** I just got a message from her on Twitter telling me to tell the Doctor that Missy has been incessantly asking to speak to the manager of her TARDIS restaurant.

**CaptainJack:** missy is a karen confirmed

**RiverSong:** missy is just an evil meme

**Unknown.Entity:** aren’t we all in the end? she is returning

**YazKhan:** that phrase makes me so deeply angry you don’t even know

**Doctor13:** who is she

**RyanSinclair:** who knows

**CaptainJack:** lmao watch it be rose

**RyanSinclair:** wait who’s rose??

**RiverSong:** that’s a question for another day, sorry sweatie

**YazKhan:** sweatie

**GrahamOBrien:** sweatie

**CaptainJack:** sweatie

**RyanSinclair:** sweatie

**Doctor13:** sweatie

**RiverSong:** to think i have been betrayed

**RiverSong:** by my own WIFE

**Doctor13:** is this where i say sorry

**CaptainJack:** probably

**Doctor13:** sorry not sorry

**YazKhan:** SIX SIX SIX

**YazKhan:** in hindsight that was not a good thing to say three times in a row

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**YazKhan:** speak of the devil

**RyanSinclair:** is the “she is returning” thing ever going to stop popping up

**GrahamOBrien:** Probably not.

**Doctor13:** Guys 💇💖💛😁💧💨😘😼👯 I found something cool 😀😊😆😝😲😎😏

**RyanSinclair:** the emojis make it so hard to read

**YazKhan:** why are there so many

**CaptainJack:** nice 😏😏😏

**Doctor13:** thanks 😏😏😏

**RiverSong:** what are you two smirking about 😏😏😏

**Doctor13:** he liked my emojis 😏😏😏

**YazKhan:** ... that... that emoji is not what you think it is

**Doctor13:** happiness 😏

**CaptainJack:** indeed 😏😏😏

**RiverSong:** 😏😏😏

**RyanSinclair:** anyone having the sudden urge to facepalm

**YazKhan:** i just pretend i do not see it

**Doctor13:** why are you all so held up over my emojis 😏😏😏

**Doctor13:** pretend it’s a sad face my phone won’t let me type emojis 😏😏😏

**RyanSinclair:** gOOD

**YazKhan:** you really need to learn how to use emojis properly

**Doctor13:** i know how to use them well! i speak a billion languages. emoji is only one of the many

**GrahamOBrien:** Whatever you say, Doc.

**GrahamOBrien:** What did you find out anyway?

**Doctor13:** oh you can customise your home screen on ios 14

**YazKhan:** brb time to give myself a very sapphic screen

**RiverSong:** coincidentally i have a bunch of pictures of the doctor that i have never used

**CaptainJack:** same

**Doctor13:** CREEPY 😏😏😏

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**Doctor13:** oh shut up 😏😏😏

**Doctor13:** pretend it’s an angry face


	35. hey hens it's halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy: i found a leaked version of this year’s christmas special
> 
> Doctor13: OMG SEND THE LINK
> 
> YazKhan: dont you already know what happens
> 
> Doctor13: no because this fic looked canon in the eye and said “not doing it sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 5am on halloween and i am DYING

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** hey hens

**Doctor14:** hOLY SHIT THAT SCARED ME

**HugoWarner:** ah yes. we are now entering that stage of quarantine

**RoseTyler:** oh wait is it halloween again???

**BillPotts:** it do be spooky day again

**AmyPond:** SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SEND SHIVERS DOWN YOUR SPINE

**AmyPond:** SHRIEKING SKULLS WILL SHOCK YOUR SOUL, SEAL YOUR DOOM TONIGHT

**RoryWilliams:** THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN

**RiverSong:** HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN

**AmyPond:** HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN

**RoryWilliams:** BOYS AND GIRLS OF EVERY AGE WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO SEE SOMETHING STRANGE

**ClaraOswald:** POV: The Doctor is inviting you to join them on the TARDIS

**Doctor13:** IM-

**Doctor10:** wait hold on can we establish two things

**Doctor10:** a.) that the ponds’ love for halloween has absolutely no canon basis whatsoever

**Doctor10:** b.) that Author cannot write the next plot chapter to save their life and is writing yet another special chapter set outside of this fics timeline

**Doctor13:** yeah sure

**ClaraOswald:** what is everyone dressing up as for halloween?

**HugoWarner:** most terrifying thing i’ve ever seen

**RoseTyler:** corin and i are dressing up as those furry superheroes from paris

**BillPotts:** red crewmate

**Missy:** RED IS SUS

**RoryWilliams:** centurion

**AmyPond:** karen smith from mean girls

**Doctor13:** a true classic

**Doctor13:** i for one am dressing up as maxo the murderer

**YazKhan:** then why are you in a fluffy bunny suit

**Doctor13:** maxo the murderer’s best disguise was a fluffy bunny

**YazKhan:** okay cool, thanks for sharing

**YazKhan:** i don’t really care for halloween, sorry to disappoint

**MarthaJones:** Yeah, same here

**DonnaNoble:** i’m dressing up as lauren cooper

**RoseTyler:** IM

**RoseTyler:** YOURE PERFECT FOR THAT ROLE YOU EVEN LOOK LIKE HER

**Doctor10:** ye

**GrantGordon:** Lucy and I are dressing up as Milk and Cookies

**LucyFletcher:** it’s such a cute costume

**AmyPond:** wait who are you two again???

**HarrietJones:** Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.

**ClaraOswald:** Yes, we know who you are

**LucyFletcher:** im not even going to bother this time around

**LucyFletcher:** look us up on the interwebs, i’m sure the tardis wiki has a page about us

**CaptainJack:** HEY HENS

**RoseTyler:** someone already made that joke

**CaptainJack:** Someone’s not having fun on Halloween

**Missy:** it’s red because RED IS SUS

**BillPotts:** who’s gonna tell her that no one gives a shit

**SaxonMaster:** That’s very troubling news, Bill.

**Doctor13:** wait how the fuck did you two get here

**Missy:** the halloween chapter requires it

**Doctor13:** ok whatever

**MadameVastra:** We will be dressing up as ninja noblewomen who happen to fight with pogo sticks.

**ClaraOswald:** IM

**Doctor13:** wot

**MadameVastra:** I’m a lizard woman, my manservant is a potato, and we live in Victorian England, and our couples costume is the most surprising thing?

**BillPotts:** IM WEAK

**AmyPond:** pog

**LyndaMoss:** i’m linda with an i

**CaptainJack:** well linda with an i you can damage my property any day ;)

**RoseTyler:** that did not sound the way you wanted it to

**ClaraOswald:** lmaoooooo

**RyanSinclair:** what’s going on

**Doctor13:** It’s Halloween!

**RyanSinclair:** oh yeah that

**RyanSinclair:** haha lmao im dressing up as tesla bc he was cool

**Doctor13:** YAS QUEEN SLAY

**YazKhan:** can i just say that i did not see that coming

**RiverSong:** i will be dressing up as cleopatra

**AmyPond:** boo that’s an old costume pick a different one

**RiverSong:** well i have been wanting to try out my thirteenth doctor cosplay

**Doctor13:** your wot

**RiverSong:** say father when did you last die

**RoryWilliams:** It was embarrassing i’d rather not say

**CaptainJack:** no do share this is a guilt free space

**CaptainJack:** unless you got absorbed by the abzorbaloff, that’s actually pretty sad

**RoseTyler:** f in the chat for LINDA

**RoseTyler:** not to be confused for lynda moss of linda-with-an-i

**LyndaMoss:** f

**Doctor13:** f

**BadWolf:** HEY HENS

**BillPotts:** someone’s already made the plumbella joke

**AmyPond:** oof

**RoryWilliams:** Roman Holiday plays in the background

**HugoWarner:** ASFGSFGSDFGH

**GrahamOBrien:** Apparently there’s a planet called “Halloween Town” ruled by a J. Skellington

**RoseTyler:** HOLY SHIT IS THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS REAL

**Doctor13:** haha am not saying

**ClaraOswald:** HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN

**BillPotts:** i have never seen that movie before

**RoseTyler:** whoaa halloween movie night on the tardis for halloween!!

**ClaraOswald:** that movie is a classic

**Doctor14:** ye its real

**Doctor14:** who do you think j skellington is

**Doctor13:** WOT

**Doctor13:** are you implying that we become jack fucking skellington????

**HugoWarner:** lmao he literally turned off his phone and got into his costume

**RoseTyler:** is he moana this year

**HugoWarner:** no

**CaptainJack:** @RoryWilliams i have not forgotten about your embarrassing death spill the tea

**RoryWilliams:** am not doing it sorry x

**CaptainJack:** fair

**BillPotts:** save it for the next DEAD meeting

**YazKhan:** the what

**ClaraOswald:** oh its a club for people who have died at least once

**BillPotts:** because nearly everyone from the steven moffat era died at least one

**AmyPond:** rip

**YazKhan:** moffat???

**Doctor14:** LMAO I JUST SAW HUGO’S COSTUME HE LITERALLY DRESSED UP AS ME

**Doctor14:** WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE I DRESSED UP AS THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN

**HugoWarner:** ... he dressed up as me

**AmyPond:** sickeningly sweet

**ClaraOswald:** if that’s the treat then what’s the trick

**Missy:** hey hens

**ClaraOswald:** okay that plumbella joke is getting old

**Missy:** oh :(

**Missy:** i wanted to send a little halloween treat :)))

**RoseTyler:** am confused

**RoseTyler:** isnt the master evil

**Missy:** i mean. the doctor wanted me to be good. i’ll give it a try

**ClaraOswald:** ... okay

**BillPotts:** dont trust her

**Missy:** that’s okay :)

**SpyMaster:** i wouldn’t either

**SpyMaster:** trust is not sexy

**BillPotts:** OKAY FINE WHAT IS IT

**Missy:** i found a leaked version of this year’s christmas special

**Doctor13:** OMG SEND THE LINK

**YazKhan:** dont you already know what happens

**Doctor13:** no because this fic looked canon in the eye and said “not doing it sorry”

**ClaraOswald:** WHOAA HOW

**Missy:** I’m Missy

**AmyPond:** fair enough

**RoseTyler:** dont be shy send the link

**CaptainJack:** cant believe we’re getting a doctor who slime tutorial in the year 2020

**BillPotts:** feels so long since the last episode

**Doctor13:** wait how did you find it??

 **Missy:** spoilers

 **RiverSong:** that's my line

 **Missy:** oops

 **ClaraOswald:** WAIT SEND IT SEND IT

 **BillPotts:** ^^^ I am starved for Thasmin content

 **Doctor13:** for wot

 **YazKhan:** absolutely nothing haha

 **ClaraOswald:** gay panic

 **CaptainJack:** did you mean: hugo warner

 **HugoWarner:** i feel called out

 **SaxonMaster:** haha jokes on yall we're already watching the special and guess who's in it

 **YazKhan:** the other doctor that still needs to show up in this fic

 **RyanSinclair:** jack harkness

 **GrahamOBrien:** some random person who won't get a fleshed out storyline

 **RoseTyler:** me

 **CaptainJack:** time lord victorious because this fic needs a plug for bbc's big event thing

 **SaxonMaster:** no?? it's jodie whittaker

 **Doctor13:** IM

 **YazKhan:** stan jodie whittaker for clear skin

**Doctor14:** send the link @Missy

**Missy:** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

**RoseTyler:** IM

**HugoWarner:** haha missy has a soft spot for twinkieee

**Doctor14:** HUGO NO

**ClaraOswald:** ASDKFJSKFFSFGFSDFG

**Doctor13:** thats literally his nickname on the doctors discord

**AmyPond:** I officially hate Halloween

**RoryWilliams:** wait what happened???

**AmyPond:** i pressed the link

**CaptainJack:** shoulda been spooky scary skeletons

**SpyMaster:** MWAHAHAHAHA

**SaxonMaster:** MWAHAHAHA

**BadWolf:** okay you lot don’t serve a purpose in this plot anymore

**< BadWolf** removed **3** **members** >

**RoseTyler:** anyone still up for that movie night

**HugoWarner:** sure 14 and i will pick you up

**YazKhan:** you mean twinkie

**Doctor14:** SHUT UP ADIFUDSJDFGDFB


	36. all your feels are belong to us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘So why is it called the Tomb of Canon?’ Graham asked.
> 
> ‘Well, once upon a time our world was ruled by a set of conventions called the Canon; a series of events that definitely happened and a series that didn’t. But then the Unravelling happened, and the universe looked at the Canon and said, bye Felicia.’

‘The City of Evermore, on the radiant planet of Caelum,’ Thirteen announced to her extended fam. Jack, Graham, Ryan, and Yaz stepped out the TARDIS, taking their first steps on the planet. The city was beautiful; iridescent crystal towers pierced the sky as vehnicles flew through the sky above them. Yaz sniffed the air with a content sigh, taking in the sweet scent of the air, lemony and fresh. Jack found himself entranced by a river of golden liquid that sang in the voices of a million people.

‘It’s beaiutiful,’ Yaz said.

‘Yeah. But we’ve got no time to lose. Come on, fam – we’ve got to take Donna to the Tomb of Canon.’

Jack and Ryan went back into the TARDIS and picked Donna up as Thirteen led them down a winding path towards a formation of rocks.

‘So why is it called the Tomb of Canon?’ Graham asked.

‘Well, once upon a time our world was ruled by a set of conventions called the Canon; a series of events that definitely happened and a series that didn’t. But then the Unravelling happened, and the universe looked at the Canon and said, _bye Felicia_.’

‘Right. That makes sense. Totally.’

‘Don’t kill the vibe, Ryan! Besides – we’re almost there.’

When they reached the rock formation, the Doctor immediately began scanning the area in search of the entrance to the Tomb. If she was being quite frank, this was giving her Pandorica vibes all over again. Jack and Ryan carefully set the still-unconscious Donna on the ground, Jack joining her.

‘So, Doc. Are we up against anything?’

‘Time,’ she said. ‘Donna will die almost the instant she wakes up. We need to get her to the centre of the Tomb to face the ultimate test of the Canon before that does.’

‘But why _her_? Why does she have to face the ultimate test?’

‘Because it’s Donna who could’ve never come back with the Unravelling. Rose got through the barrier between the worlds; Clara Oswald and Bill Potts ended up in a state of not being dead after dying; Amy and Rory Pond’s paradox was cancelled out, and River ended up being saved from the Library. But Donna? She never came back – and if this goes wrong, she never will.’

Jack nodded mutely and allowed the Doctor to keep on making her scans. She found herself growing less and less hopeful that she’d ever be able to save Donna. She looked back once at her Fam before going back to the rock formation. She couldn’t show her weakness. Not now. Not ever. Lost in her thoughts, she barely noticed Yaz, Graham, and Ryan’s desperate screams for help until she heard Jack’s blaster firing. Cursing herself for allowing herself to get so distracted, she ran furiously at their assailants – a pair of people with blue skin and three red eyes, each eye looking in a completely direction. One of them held Graham and Yaz; the other held Ryan, a gun in their other hand. They pointed it at Yaz.

‘You will let go or she will die.’

‘No,’ the Doctor said firmly. ‘Leave her here. Now. This is your only warning.’

‘Have it your way, then.’

The one with the gun shot Yaz, who collapsed, her body slowly turning to the same golden liquid that ran through the river.

They disappeared, along with Graham and Ryan, turning into a single blue obr before zipping into Caelum. Jack and the Doctor rushed to Yaz, who reached out to her with a pained cry.

The Doctor grabbed her hand tightly and looked her intently in the eyes. ‘Fight back, Yaz. Whatever they did, please, just _fight_ like hell – you can do this, Yaz Khan, my best mate – hold on in there, _please_ , just give this to me, universe...’

‘Doctor,’ Yaz said, more and more of her slowly dissolving, only the upper half remaining – and even that too was going. ‘It feels like I’m becoming... becoming part of it. The song.’

‘What song?’

Yaz hummed a haunting tune, and the Doctor’s blood froze. Her name. It couldn’t be. Not here, not now, not on Caelum. Something here didn’t make sense. The river of the song; Graham and Ryan’s disappearance into the city.

‘Save Donna. I’ll – I’ll be fine.’ Yaz smiled weakly.

‘Oh, Yaz Khan. You brave, brave, woman, you.’

‘Just say it tome, Doctor. What you’ve wanted to say for so long.’

She couldn’t. Not now when she was dying. ‘I – I can’t.’

‘It’s okay,’ Yaz choked out. ‘I know. And the sentiment is the same for me too. Goodbye, my Doctor...’

The last of Yaz turned into the golden liquid and began running down the hill towards the river. The Doctor breathed the song. Jack held the Doctor as she let out a pained sob. She looked back towards the Tomb in determination. She would not fall here or now. She would rise. For Graham. For Ryan.

For – _for Yaz_. And then – a crack.

‘You know what they say about songs, sweetie,’ a voice said, and the Doctor couldn’t. She fell to the ground as River Song gently pulled her into her arms and stroked her hair, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of her head. ‘They are what memories become.’

‘We have to get to work,’ the Doctor said. ‘I can’t lose Donna too.’

She barely registered River quietly introducing Amy and Rory to Jack, who filled them on in the situation until Rory had walked up to her, gently entwining his fingers with hers. He stared ahead at the Tomb.

‘You’ve got this, Doctor.’

‘Thank you, Rory,’ she whispered. She looked at the Tomb, her mind still muddled with emotions and despair and desperation and memories and –

 _Wait_.

A river of _songs_ . A girl in a diner – _Clara_ , she remembered – told her that memories became songs.

Her name itself a memory, of times lost long ago, of a people she never knew.

River Song, one of the few who knew her true name, by her side. Donna Noble’s life at stake. A tomb by a river.

‘River,’ she said. ‘I know how to open the tune.’

As all tales of the Doctor must begin. She sang. Haunting notes. Up and down notes, an eerie tune. Always different for each Doctor, but the same melody still remained, whether it was played with the rock-and-roll that fit Twelve’s style, or even her own haunting and yet classic iteration. Her name was the Doctor, and this was her song.

The Tomb opened up, and she let out a breath of relief.

Rory and Jack picked up Donna, and they went into the Tomb. Amy and River were by her side as she continued in, walking through the halls until she reached a door that didn’t quite fit here. One that all of them had seen before.

She opened the door hesitantly –

‘ _Doctor_?’ Clara Oswald said in surprise. ‘You’re what the TARDIS sent us to?’

She looked around the room – all sorts of familiar faces from her past few incarnations – Martha Jones and Mickey Smith, lounging together in the corner of the white TARDIS’ console room. Ashildr and Heather the space pilot at the console, joined by Clara and Bill Potts.

‘You couldn’t have regenerated while I was still with you?’ Bill asked in amusement.

‘ _Bill_. You’re here. The real – the real you?’ her face darkened. ‘Or a fake again?’

‘Real, Doctor. As real as the room you’re in.’

‘Why would the TARDIS send us to some crypt though?’ Clara asked.

‘Because of her,’ Martha said, finally speaking up, looking intently at Donna Noble’s prone figure.

‘Are two of them Amy and Rory Pond?’ Ashildr asked, ready to type in coordinates.

‘Yeah, that’s us, why?’ Amy asked.

‘Because the Bad Wolf – the one who sent us here – told us that you two would have coordinates to the last checkpoint of the Tomb,’ she said, ignoring the Doctor and Jack’s shocked faces.

Amy nodded, handing her a paper with a single word – _Atlas_.

Ashildr typed it in, and the TARDIS took off.

‘Explain everything to me, Clara. In great detail.’

‘Right. After Bill left you, we ended up meeting on Pluto and faced a version of the Master along with Jack. And then just a while ago, Bill and I heard some blonde woman calling out to us and telling us to go here, to Caelum, to the Tomb. She let us pass the TARDIS block. And she told us to tell you: three checkpoints, three times your past will change your future. Once, at the start, for the secret of the _song_ ; the second, the one you just passed for the secret of _hope_ ; and the last, the secret of the _wolf_. Any... any idea what any of that means.’

‘River Song... _song_ ... _hope_ – Bill, what was that you said about tears?’

‘Where there’s tears, there’s hope?’

‘Yes! That. Right on, Ms. Potts! And _wolf_... of course. Who else to greet me at the end of the road and bring Donna Noble back to me than Rose Tyler?’

The Space Gays’ TARDIS landed. River opened the door and was met by a beautiful woman with long blonde locks and eyes of gold. The Doctor and Jack recognised her.

‘Rose?’ she whispered.

‘Hello, Doctor,’ the Bad Wolf said. ‘We are approaching the end. Awaken now, my dear child of time.’

Donna Noble’s eyes opened with a start and she stood up, her feet wobbling.

‘It begins here.’

* * *

‘Oi! Where are you taking us? And what did you do to Yaz?’ Ryan exclaimed, trying to break free of his captor’s grip. They said nothing. Ryan tried to peer up at its face and found that it had turned into nothing; _they had no face_. Ryan kept trying to struggle until at last, Graham told him to give up; they were outnumbered and outgunned. They passed through winding alleyways, the beautiful city giving way to a darker, harsher reality. The Blue People took them down a dark alley surrounded by colourless, dull buildings. People wailed around them, recoiling in fear as the Blue People passed. Skyscrapers towered above them, while before them stood barely put together houses. Older merchants looked at them in pity, and Graham heard one saying a prayer for their peaceful deaths. A couple of boys playing ball in the middle of the street, skinny and clothed in dirty rags, stopped their game and ran in fear to their mothers.

They continued on, reaching a church. At the steps of the church, veiled women called out to them, calling for them to confess to the Church.

One woman came up to the Blue People, crying at the hem of their robes, wailing for forgiveness, cursing the name of the People for the death of her husband. The Blue Person holding Ryan snarled, pointed its free hand at her, and shot a bolt of electricity at her.

They entered the Church and heard nothing. Silence.

The Blue People let go of them and shoved them roughly against the floor, reaching for the top of their head and _unzipping it_. A bright white light surrounded them, and Graham and Ryan found themselves forced to avert their eyes until at last, before them, grotesque white aliens in suits snarled at them.

Ryan looked away and found that he had forgotten what he had looked away from.

He looked again and screamed.

He looked back again and saw five stone angels, in a weeping position. He had forgotten why he had looked.

He looked in front of him again – he saw those grotesque creatures, electricity at their fingertips.

Back again – the angels were now angry, snarling at him, and yet unmoving...

He looked to the side, and something glowed blue; a lone silver cyborg emerged, pressing its hand to its chest and declaring that humanity was to be converted...

The angels were closer, and the aliens were approaching...

He looked to his left, at Graham, and to his horror, those Dalek things from New Year’s came out of the shadows, crying for extermination...

The metal men bowed, the Daleks pointed towards a dais with a throne in front of them, and even the aliens and angels paused. Ryan looked around. Potato men with guns. Reptile people. His old enemy, Tim Shaw. Weird, obtuse green aliens that let out disgusting gargles. Little white beings made of fat, the plastic men in shop windows, Father Christmases, weird people in red robes and masks carrying a vial of blood, scarecrows and a family of four, another man with no face in robes, a group of regular people, more of those aliens from _The Scream_ , countless other terrors before them...

And on the dais, four people stepped out – a man in a clean suit he quickly recognised to be Prime Minister Saxon – two women flanking the throne, one in a dark purple Mary Poppins getup and the other one wearing a witch’s hat and a dark green dress; and on the right, O – the Master.

They knelt as well, and a woman stepped out, clad in a black dress, her right eye covered by an eye patch.

She looked at the crowd assembled and laughed cruelly. ‘Prepare, naughty children. It’s murder time.’

‘You can’t just kill people!’ Graham called out.

‘Who said you could speak?’ the woman demanded, before composing herself. ‘Alas, it is of no consequence. Today is a day of a celebration!’

The crowd cheered, a horrible, terrible sound, as if none of them belonged together.

‘Rejoice! For today is the day we kill the Doctor... or should I say, _the Doctors_?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look a villain!  
> also this plot is nearing its end, we shall then move on to crack


	37. christmas special but it's actually christmas because this fic does not say bbc rights x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor13: im not santa though :))
> 
> Doctor14: about that
> 
> HugoWarner: santa is my sugar daddy
> 
> RoseTyler: WTF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry chrysler this is days early but i sadly will not be able to post later due to Stuff. anyways heres the fam gc christmas special bc we all know doctor who isnt doing that this year
> 
> also uhh light spoilers for mandalorian season 2 just in case you're not caught up :)))

**Fam**

**Doctor13:** SHIT ITS CHRISTMAS

**RyanSinclair:** what

**YazKhan:** lmao what’s that

**BillPotts:** what’s wrong with christmas

**Doctor14:** I weirdly always die on Christmas

**RoseTyler:** happy death anniversary x

**Doctor14:** thanks

**<** **_BadWolf added_ ** Missy  **_to the chat_ ** **>**

**Missy:** hey hens

**Missy:** who wants a free bootleg

**Doctor13:** depends on what it’s a bootleg of

**Missy:** the christmas special for this year

**CaptainJack:** lmao the what

**Doctor13:** LMAOO NICE TRY

**RoryWilliams:** ???

**Doctor11:** oh yeah they downgraded this year lmao

**Doctor10:** rip the christmas special

**RoseTyler:** oi it’s called the festive special now

**AmyPond:** why did they move it

**RoseTyler:** idk ask chibnall

**Ashildr:** babe who’s that again

**ClaraOswald:** oh i think he’s the least relevant showrunner

**BadWolf:** NO HATE TO CHIBNALL

**BadWolf:** bad writing of the canon aside author just cannot stop writing about their hyperfixations

**Doctor14:** adhd go brr

**HugoWarner:** mood

**Doctor12:** There are sentient murderous elves up Oxford Street what are you lot yapping about for

**CaptainJack:** ah oxford street

**CaptainJack:** oh to be a busy retail street with barely any mask restrictions, open when west end theatres that are safe are closed

**CaptainJack:** yes i am salty, fuck the tories x

**ClaraOswald:** Ok maybe we should do something

**ClaraOswald:** who you gonna coll

**RoseTyler:** (MERRY) GHOSTBUSTERS

**AmyPond:** Why are you all treating this so normally

**ClaraOswald:** ehh its christmas

**Doctor13:** earth gets invaded every christmas (or new year’s now ig)

**BillPotts** : #freecanon13

**RyanSinclair:** #freecanon13

**GrahamOBrien:** #freecanon13

**YazKhan:** lmao i’m like. dead in the fic

**RoseTyler:** whoa what

**YazKhan:** ye but the author ships thasmin so i’ll prob be alive again soon :)

**CaptainJack:** F in the chat for this fic’s plot and the fourth wall, we hardly knew ye

**RoseTyler:** F

**AmyPond:** f

**Doctor14:** F

**ClaraOswald:** F

**MarthaJones:** F

**GrantGordon:** F

**DonnaNoble:** wait who’s that

**GrantGordon:** IM A SUPERHERO FROM NEW YORK HOW DO YALL KEEP FORGETTING THIS

**DonnaNoble:** am new here sorry x

**GrantGordon:** oh

**GrantGordon:** anyways hi i’m grant please don’t forget me

**RoseTyler:** Grant who

**GrantGordon:** SDLFJSLF FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT BYE MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU BRITISH BASTARDS

**Doctor13:** language

**CaptainJack:** who are you, captain america

**Doctor13:** well actually

**RyanSinclair:** NO WAY

**Doctor13:** im not santa though :))

**Doctor14:** about that

**HugoWarner:** santa is my sugar daddy

**RoseTyler:** WTF

**HugoWarner:** he brings me gifts every christmas 

**AmyPond:** how do you get a sugar daddy

**RoryWilliams:** im

**RiverSong:** trouble in paradise?

**AmyPond:** No just the fact that we cant get jobs because we’re technically dead

**BillPotts:** F

**Missy:** WE WISH YOU A MERRY TITTY AND A HAPPY NEW ME

**Doctor12:** Thanks for that contribution Missy, totally necessary

**Doctor12:** Also. Alien invasion. London

**RoseTyler:** Doctor Who (1963 - present)

**Doctor13:** LMAOOO

**ClaraOswald:** apparently jack’s back in the canon christmas special

**CaptainJack:** POG

**BillPotts:** soMEone’s ben watching twitch streams lately

**AmyPond:** me?

**Ashildr:** yes?

**AmyPond:** no i mean you uppercased me

**BillPotts:** bitches really out here binging the dream smp

**BillPotts:** it’s me, i’m bitches

**Doctor14:** honestly same

**MarthaJones:** This gc isn’t even festive

**< Doctor13 changed the chat name to: ** Festive Fam **>**

**Doctor13:** Fixed it for you

**RoseTyler:** ROFL

**MickeySmith:** mate that’s outdated

**RoseTyler:** you’re outdated

**RyanSinclair:** oof

**GrahamSinclair:** I believe that’s what the kids these days call a sick burn.

**RyanSinclair:** Grandad... no

**YazKhan:** graham yes you go you funky bi

**ClaraOswald:** this chat brings a whole new dimension to “don we now our gay apparel”

**Missy:** falalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaa

**Missy:** merry chrysler! :<3

**RoseTyler:** wtf

**DonnaNoble:** Anyone feel a sense of foreboding

**BDSpyMaster:** hey hens

**YazKhan:** WHAT THE FUCK

**CaptainJack:** who let you on board

**BDSpyMaster:** 13

**BDSpyMaster:** what a simp amirite

**Doctor13:** oops

**Doctor13:** it’s okay this isn’t canon anyway

**Doctor13:** 😏 pretend its an im sorry face

**RiverSong:** i see you still only have one emoji

**RiverSong:** F

**Doctor13:** r00d

**Doctor14:** why do you text like you’re from the 2010s

**Doctor13:** why do you look like a twink

**Doctor14:** idk ask yourself when you die

**HugoWarner:** IM-

**RoseTyler:** IM DEAD

**AmyPond:** whoa guys its the holidays. peace and joy and all that

**RoryWilliams:** i call bs

**RoryWilliams:** we literally got into a gang fight every christmas in new york

**RiverSong:** I had to get it from somewhere

**AmyPond:** yeah you got it from rory

**Doctor11:** rory you start gang fights

**CaptainJack:** GUYS BABY YODA’S NAME IS GROGU???

**RoseTyler:** bitch wtf

**BillPotts:** guys that’s old news

**MickeySmith:** like me, apparently

**Doctor13:** grogu is a cute name

**Doctor13:** i would name my child grogu

**Doctor14:** i would not

**Doctor12:** I would not child

**BillPotts:** bc you already are one

**AmyPond:** DEAD

**Doctor12:** bah humbug

**ClaraOswald:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW YOU GRINCH ASS BITCH

**Doctor14:** ALFJSDOFUSFJSDF

**HugoWarner:** younger you is weird

**Doctor14:** ikr

**BDSpyMaster:** im still here

**Missy:** Bitch no one cares

**Missy:** thasmin >>>

**YazKhan:** foreshadowing

**ClaraOswald:** guys i think the alien attack just got worst

**DonnaNoble:** rip

**RoseTyler:** time to fight ig

**AmyPond:** woohoo

**BillPotts:** happy holidays beetch

**YazKhan:** aight fam gc fic 2020 over and out

**HugoWarner:** sEE YOU NEXT YEAR GIRLS AND GAYS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BYEEE FOR NOW GUYS BE BACK IN 2021 FOR THE CONTINUATION OF THE CANON PLOT. happy holidays!!!!


	38. thasmin rights bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Rose Tyler asked. ‘You’re here because the Doctor loves you.’
> 
> ‘And now, we’re going to help you get back,’ River Song said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year!!! anyway it's still 2020 for me so have this dumpster fire of a chapter (honestly im not even sure if i'm following continuity)

**The Tomb of Canon, Caelum**

The Doctor looked at all the people assembled in the chambers of the Tomb – all old friends, familiar faces, faces that shouldn’t have been there. The Bad Wolf seemed to be quite at peace, standing behind Donna Noble as her past companions fanned out around the tomb. Donna was still as her eyes glowed gold.

‘Doctor,’ Donna said. ‘The time is now. The choice is yours. We are at a crossroads. Follow the plot... or allow chaos to take control.’

‘Chaos is taking control and so much has already happened,’ the Doctor said. ‘Rose and Clara and Donna back... but Yaz and Graham and Ryan gone.’ She paused in her footsteps and looked around the Tomb at everyone. Every ending brutally ripped from its spot, firmly cemented in the threads of time. Entire timelines, lives, _stories_ reopened, uncertainty filling the gap once left by a final farewell.

Because this shouldn’t have been possible. She was never supposed to see Bill Potts again, never supposed to reunite with her Impossible Girl. Amy and Rory were meant to die in New York years after the Angel had sent them back, and River was to meet her fate in the Library.

But now, all of this was at stake. Lives were at stake. _Time_ was at stake. It was almost like an _unravelling_.

Memories flowed into her head suddenly; of Sheffield in the sky and her friends reunited to save the world. And a mysterious boy, all too familiar with a face she’d never seen. Yaz, Graham, and Ryan safe and well. And of the future, of the pleasure resort on Spokania, of a quite figurative big bang worthy of Captain Jack’s fantasies.

‘Choose, Doctor,’ the Bad Wolf crowed. ‘Choose, and allow fate to run its course!’

Except, she couldn’t, couldn’t she?

‘What happens if I choose the plot?’

‘Then all goes the way it should. You shall discover a secret that will devour you entirely. You will lose precious friends, and you will find yourself stripped of your freedoms. You will fall, Doctor, and Gallifrey will burn with you.’

‘And if I allow chaos to take control?’

‘Then you keep your friends. Donna Noble will survive, and you will have a family again. But those closest to you will leave you once more, and you will be lost. Chaos will rule, and nothing will be certain. No part of your story will be set in stone until it has been written. And yet, there is hope; there are timelines that see you getting the love you have always deserved, child of time. And there are timelines that see you sitting alone, with no ship and no friends. This is your choice, Doctor – which fate will you follow?’

‘Doctor,’ River said. ‘You’ll make the right choice. I know it.’

‘But what if I don’t?’ she whispered quietly.

* * *

**The City of Evermore**

Ryan and Graham looked around them at the assortment of the Doctor’s past enemies, all of them clamouring for the death of the Doctor, all of them looking to the woman in the eyepatch as she gleefully took in the sight before her. Graham caught the Master’s eye, looking away as he met his. The Master grinned like a predator spotting its prey. The woman in the eyepatch cleared her throat and began to speak to the crowd assembled before them.

‘Ladies, gentlemen, and gremlins... fellow enemies of the Doctor... you find yourself standing before me, High Priestess of the Church of Darkness!’

The crowd roared, and Graham and Ryan soon found themselves the subject of their attention. The High Priestess looked down upon them and started down the steps of the dais, standing in front of them.

‘Graham O’Brien and Ryan Sinclair. Your friend Yaz is dead. The Doctor will soon meet her fate in the Tomb of Canon. What do you have to say about that?’

Venom coursed through Ryan’s veins as he seethed. ‘Fuck you.’

‘Things like that will grant you no favours. Look around you. You are surrounded by enemies of the Doctor on all sides. There is _nothing_ you can do... except for perhaps make a deal with me.’

‘Not bloody likely, mate,’ Graham said. ‘You see, us and the Doc? We’re tight. We’re _fam_. And we ain’t giving up on her anytime soon.’

‘How... admirable. I almost feel like sparing you. Alas. Cyberguards. Take them to the dungeons.’

Before either of them could make a move, they found themselves restrained by four heavily armoured silver-suited men. Ryan tried to break free of his captors’ grip, freezing in fear when one of them turned to him mechanically, its mouth glowing blue as it spoke.

‘Do not resist or you will be deleted.’

‘What’re you going to do with us, then?’

‘No idea,’ the woman said. ‘Have you upgraded. Exterminated. Sent back in time. It all depends on what your precious Doctor does.’

Ryan and Graham had no choice but to watch helplessly as the woman strolled back up the dais before turning back to them. ‘When you find the Doctor again... tell her Madame Kovarian awaits.’

* * *

**A world outside time and space**

‘You’re Donna Noble,’ Yaz said, taking in the sight of the woman in front of her. She was the same person that the Doctor had brought to Caelum before her death. She looked hauntingly beautiful, dressed in silky white robes, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. 

Donna merely nodded, gesturing for her to follow her. Cautiously, Yaz followed, looking around at the world around her. It felt familiar, but everything she saw she had never seen before. Long golden corridors that seemed to lead nowhere; a floor that once in a while turned transparent, exposing the cloisters below. The longer they walked, the more disoriented Yaz felt, until it seemed that she’d been walking forever.

When Donna finally stopped, it was in front of what seemed to be a simple computer. She touched her finger on it, and two more figures – one with straight blonde hair, one with frizzy dirty blonde – stepped out, both dressed in the same golden robes.

‘The Doctor has lost many people throughout their long lifespan,’ Donna explained. ‘You are the latest to join her song.’

‘Her song?’ Yaz asked.

Donna nodded. ‘Her name isn’t a name in a human sense. On Gallifrey, the name you choose is a promise – but the name that truly belongs to you, that lives in your heart – _that_ is a song. It is your entire life. Everything you have experienced, everyone you have loved, everything that you’ve lost. Memories become songs; that’s what they are; they’re tiny pieces of time, wrapped into a single moment. And _that’s_ what we are.’

‘I don’t get it. What does the Doctor’s name – song – whatever – have to do with us?’

‘People come and go, sweetie,’ the frizzy-haired woman said. ‘And the Doctor loves them still, no matter how much it pains her.’

‘Sometimes memories are forgotten,’ Donna said.

The other blonde nodded. ‘Sometimes they’re lost.’

The frizzy-haired woman looked in the distance wistfully. ‘And sometimes, once in a blue moon, they’re saved.’

‘Who are you people? And how do – did – you know the Doctor?’

‘I’m River Song, her wife.’

The blonde next to her smiled sadly. ‘Rose Tyler. I thought I was going to travel with her forever, and then we quite literally became worlds apart.’

‘And I’m Donna Noble – the one who can never remember the Doctor, or else she’ll die.’

‘Why am I here, then?’ Yaz said. ‘I barely even know who she is. She only says so much about herself, about her past. Nothing.’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Rose Tyler asked. ‘You’re here because the Doctor loves you.’

‘And now, we’re going to help you get back,’ River Song said.

‘How?’

‘You’re still a part of the river,’ Donna said, pressing the computer again. ‘If we can code this so that we can reform your molecular structure – then we still have a shot at getting you back to her.’

* * *

**The City of Evermore**

The ceiling above Ryan and Graham’s dungeon cell shook, dust falling to the ground. Ryan glanced upwards.

‘What d’you think’s happening?’

‘No idea,’ Graham said, ‘but I’m sure it’s got something to do with the Doc.’

Ryan continued to sit, leaning against the wall, his concentration broken as something pricked his side sharply. He turned to see a tiny woman. He squinted as the tiny woman ran to the centre of the cell and rapidly grew in size until at last, he recognised her as the Doctor.

‘Doctor?’ Ryan said in disbelief. Graham stared at her, his mouth agape.

‘Not the Doctor,’ she said. ‘But close enough. This body is actually a ship called the Teselecta. Normally we wouldn’t take orders from a criminal we once pursued, but given the severity of the matter at hand, we thought it prudent to take orders from River Song.’

‘The Doctor’s wife, right?’

‘Aye,’ the Teselecta-Doctor-whatever-it-was said. ‘We’re about to hit you with a ray – it’ll miniaturise you and get you into the ship. We slipped in through the walls – and that’s how we’re going to get you out.’

Graham eyed the Teselecta sceptically. ‘Wait. How do we know you can trust you?’

‘You trust the Doctor, don’t you?’

‘She saved us... _most_ of us from Tim Shaw, didn’t she though?’

‘She also nearly got you killed.’

‘Fair point,’ Ryan shrugged. ‘Alright. Do your stuff.’

* * *

**The Tomb of Canon, Caelum**

‘Chaos,’ the Doctor said. ‘I choose chaos.’

‘Good choice,’ the Bad Wolf said. ‘Now, I believe there are some things here that will make you quite happy.’

Donna got up with a sudden gasp as golden mist flowed out of her eyes and nostrils, dissipating into the air around her. Rory and Jack helped her up to her feet, and all she could do was stare at the Doctor. The Doctor held her breath. What was Donna going to do? Would she still care about her? Was there any chance of them having what they used to have?

Donna bitch slapped her. ‘That’s for wiping my memories, you absolute dumbfuck.’

She then hugged her, and the Doctor felt a tear run down her cheek. She allowed Donna to hold her before pulling her away.

‘So, space girl. How many faces has it been since I last saw you?’

‘This is my third face since you, Donna. Although, if we’re being technical, it’s only been one face since. Remember an old Scottish man in the shadows who promised you that your life would only get better? Or a sad man in a fez who chased a thief who stole your handbag?’

Donna gaped as she recalled those memories. ‘That was _you_?’

‘I couldn’t help it. I knew I shouldn’t have, but... I supposed there would be no harm if you didn’t recognise my face. Although, I did have to be careful last time – I took on the face of that bloke in Pompeii we saved. But this... this is, er, my first time seeing you in this face.’

‘Well, I’m glad it’s in this stinking hell of a place – where _are_ we, anyway?’

Before the Doctor could answer, a door opened and someone stepped out as golden light flooded the room, blinding all but Rose, River, and Donna.

‘Doctor!’ Yaz Khan exclaimed.

‘No, it can’t be... you _died_...’

‘And I came back, Doctor. Looks like it was at the right moment, too.’

Overwhelmed by emotion, the Doctor ran to Yaz and hugged her tightly before pressing her lips firmly against Yaz’s, holding her, letting the moment last. River watched on wistfully, smirking coyly as Jack winked at her.

‘And break. And breathe!’ Rory said sarcastically as Amy elbowed him.

‘Sorry, Roranicus,’ the Doctor said as she pulled away from Yaz at last, stepping away from her and looking around the room at all her friends. The Ponds, Clara Oswald, Bill Potts, everyone she’d loved, a clone of herself...

Hold on.

‘Who the hell are you?’ she said, pointing at her clone, drawing everyone’s attention to her.

‘Stand down!’ Graham said. ‘It’s just us! Ryan and I, we’re on this ship, the Tassellecto or something – we’ll be with you in a moment!’

Another beam later, and Ryan and Graham were once again among them. A surge of emotion ran through her as she looked around.

‘We’ve got danger, though, Doctor,’ Ryan said. ‘There’s an army led by a woman with an eyepatch – Madame Kovarian, I think – she and a bunch of these... _things_ – they’re going to kill you.’

‘Right, then,’ the Doctor said. ‘Some of the greatest people I’ve ever met versus... old enemies, I suppose. Let’s get a shift then, on, erm... gang? Comrades?’

‘Fam,’ Graham said.

The Doctor grinned. ‘Spot on, Graham.’

‘So what’s the plan, then, Doctor?’ Yaz asked, holding onto the Doctor’s arm tightly.

‘We take ass and kick names,’ she said. ‘Onwards!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you all in 2021!! tysm for reading this fic in 2020, honestly can't wait to get back to this fic's weird ass crack shit x


	39. dreamnotfound broke ao3 and all you get is this stupid chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Sexy Bitch @heymissy
> 
> In this Tweet, we coded it so that I’m the sexiest and most popular influencer of all time! Also, only a small percentage of people who interact with my Tweets actually follow me, so if you like what you see, consider following me (or else). It’s free, and you can always (get upgraded) unfollow later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this really is the first update of 2021. this chapter is so stupid and full of random references i’m sorry. idk if this is canon but if it is it’s set in that vague time after the current plot that im not even sure is even canon compliant to this fic anymore. definitely will not make much sense if you dont know about mcyt

**Fam**

**BillPotts:** guys ao3 is down

 **ClaraOswald:** noooo

 **ClaraOswald:** how am i supposed to upload the latest chapter to my summer falls fanfic??

 **AmyPond:** im-

 **AmyPond:** you write fanfic about my book??

 **ClaraOswald:** SHIT YOU’RE AMY WILLIAMS??

 **AmyPond:** yes lmao

 **ClaraOswald:** i’m dead

 **RoseTyler:** yeah you have it bad but how am i supposed to read heatwaves chapter 10??

 **AmyPond:** wtf is heatwaves

 **GrahamOBrien:** Dreamnotfound fanfic

 **GrahamOBrien:** shit

 **YazKhan:** LMAOOO

 **Doctor13:** sorry what is dreamnotfound

 **YazKhan:** its a popular ship between two minecraft youtubers

 **Doctor13:** ohhh

 **BillPotts:** and they broke ao3 apparently

 **RoseTyler:** the gays are just too powerful

 **CaptainJack:** the gays broke the internet again

 **YazKhan:** did you mean: the rat queens in the ratatouille musical

 **BillPotts:** im sorry what

 **YazKhan:** the entire broadway cast of six was in the ratatouille tik tok musical

 **YazKhan:** honestly so iconic

 **YazKhan:** sorry i just really love six the musical

 **CaptainJack:** did you just say tik tok musical

 **YazKhan:** Yes what of it

 **RiverSong:** isnt that the musical that ended up being the biggest broadway sensation of 2021

 **RiverSong:** oops spoilers x

 **YazKhan:** YES

 **Doctor13:** You did that on purpose

 **RiverSong:** of course, sweetie

 **BillPotts:** I just wanted to read a nice love story tonight this is home of phobic

 **ClaraOswald:** we could always play among us

 **RoryWilliams:** Wait what’s that

 **ClaraOswald:** it’s a game where we’re all crewmates on a ship and then there’s an imposter trying to kill us

 **ClaraOswald:** basically zygons but make it a game

 **RoryWilliams:** ah cool

 **GrahamOBrien:** That sounds interesting.

 **Doctor13:** we could play it in real life! the tardis has a simulation room

 **BillPotts:** and you nevER TOLD ME???

 **RoseTyler:** ^^^

 **DonnaNoble:** ^^^

 **MarthaJones:** ^^^

 **AmyPond:** ^^^

 **ClaraOswald:** ^^^

 **YazKhan:** WOT

 **HugoWarner:** lmao 14 showed me

 **CaptainJack:** I found it back when I was still on. 9 locked me out because apparenltly I was being too lewd

 **YazKhan:** jack oh my god

 **RyanSinclair:** noah fence but do you people ever sleep

 **YazKhan:** sleep? who’s that bitch

 **YazKhan:** does he wear sunglasses and sass me when i’m actually trying to sleep

 **RyanSinclair:** im-

 **RoseTyler:** sleep is for the weak

 **RoryWilliams:** i feel too dead inside right now to sleep

 **RoseTyler:** same here i just want to read heatwaves

 **BillPotts:** dnf really out here not saying space gay rights

 **GrahamOBrien:** Right then

 **GrahamOBrien:** I looked up this Dream bloke and good god if I were in a dark room with him I would run in the opposite direction

 **BillPotts:** minecraft manhunt but we coded it so that it’s in real life

 **ClaraOswald:** PLEASE

 **CaptainJack:** ma’am i’m going to have to ask you to stop this is a doctor who fic

 **TonyStark:** since when

 **ClaraOswald:** whAT THE FUCK

 **RoseTyler:** when did you get here

 **TonyStark:** I’ve been here since the ‘she is returning’ plot

 **YazKhan:** those three words make me want to tear out my hair

 **RoryWilliams:** hey arent you the guy from when new york got destroyed by those alien things??

 **AmyPond:** Babe you’re going to have be more specific there were lots more aliens in 2012 new york

 **TonyStark:** yes i am in fact iron man

 **TonyStark:** I am leaving now the kid is calling me

 **BillPotts:** Wait since when do you have a kid this is the first I’m hearing of this

 **YazKhan:** i think it’s that spider man bloke

 **YazKhan:** we don’t have superheroes in the uk

 **Doctor13:** Yeah about that

 **RiverSong:** spoilers

 **TonyStark:** sTARK OUT BITCH

**< BadWolf removed TonyStark from the chat.>**

**ClaraOswald:** oh no has tony stark seen our shitposts

 **RiverSong:** who knows

 **BillPotts:** i can’t believe he’s been on this chat the whole time

 **BillPotts:** It’s got to be a hoax

 **CaptainJack:** So I might’ve done a bit of illegal 51st-century stalking and uhhh I tracked his IP back to Stark Tower

 **CaptainJack:** it’s probably him

 **RoseTyler:** someone @ him on twitter

**Twitter**

**i khannot even** @yazkhan

@TonyStark was that you on our fam group chat

|

 **eat the rich** @TonyStark

@yazkhan Was that what it was

|

 **i khannot even** @yazkhan

@TonyStark iM-

|

 **Collette** @collettenotfound

@yazkhan @TonyStark can you guys fix ao3 i’m trying to read heatwaves

|

 **rose <3** @rosetyler

@collettenotfound @yazkhan @TonyStark you and me both mate

**The Sexy Bitch** @heymissy

I have a confession to make. I’m actually Dream.

|

 **potts** @billpotts

@heymissy liar

|

 **spider-man says trans rights** @yeeterparkour

@heymissy @billpotts I mean Dream has never shown her face so it could be her

|

 **tony stark broke into my garage** @potatogungay

@heymissy @billpotts @yeeterparkour pls tell me you’re kidding

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** Nobody believes that I’m Dream this is the worst day of my life

 **PMSaxon:** Literally what the fuck are you talking about

 **ScaryPoppins:** oh ew you changed your username

 **ScaryPoppins:** that is so not fetch

 **MasterBait:** Stop trying to make fetch happen, Missy. It’s not going to happen

 **MasterBait:** anyways you would’ve had more luck pretending to be that bean guy’s daughter

 **ScaryPoppins:** bitch

 **BDSpyM:** r/aita: “I (1039424509F) wouldn’t let my younger self (65M) eat until he figured out how to use a microwave. Am I the asshole?”

 **SexyChild:** yes

 **SexyChild:** youre always the asshole

 **ScaryPoppins:** oh shut up you stupid twink

 **PMSaxon:** Rest in peace, bitch.

 **ActualPsycho:** bonjour mon lovuelesieis howeth is everyoneth

 **PMSaxon:** I can’t even read that

 **ActualPsycho:** Then perisheth

 **ScaryPoppins:** should i ahem. take dream’s place

 **MasterBait:** Why do you care so much

 **ScaryPoppins:** i want to know the secret to more subscribers!!!

 **MasterBait:** prob quality content, a decent personality, and knowledge of how the youtube algorithm works

 **ScaryPoppins:** ok brb thanks you horrible future self

 **PMSaxon:** Oh dear gods what is she going to do

 **BDSpyM:** Code it so that everything in Minecraft is titled “Sexy” and every noise is just her saying sexy

 **BDSpyM:** Missy for the Dream SMP 2K21

 **MasterBait:** im-

 **PMSaxon:** I still don’t get who this Dream bloke is

 **BDSpyM:** he’s a big youtuber or something

 **BDSpyM:** i’m bigger though

 **MasterBait:** that’s actually disgusting

 **PMSaxon:** Check your username

 **SexyChild:** sorry guys :/ i crashed ao3 with the power of god and dream team on my side

 **PMSaxon:** Missy is concerningly quiet

 **GameMaster:** the grind never stops

 **GameMaster:** sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do

 **GameMaster:** anyway just plugging in my twitch it’s twitch.tv/gamemaster i stream the sims and find new ways to kill my sims and make babey doctor sad :(

 **BadWolf:** just to be clear to the readers that is not author’s twitch link we have no idea if that account even exists

 **PMSaxon:** Goodbye fourth wall we hardly knew ye

 **BDSpyM:** this chapter is literally about dreamnotfound crashing ao3 and you’re just now getting this???

 **SexyChild:** sorry hes slow

 **PMSaxon:** BITCH

 **SexyChild:** that’s no way to talk to a kid!

 **BDSpyM:** Yeah, Saxon! you disgust me

 **PMSaxon:** hard to take someone whose username is ‘BDSpyM’ seriously

 **BDSpyM:** bitch

 **MasterBait:** sexy

 **MasterBait:** sexy

 **MasterBait:** sexy

 **BDSpyM:** what

 **PMSaxon:** Oh god I’m the only mature one here

 **MasterBait:** man i thought that would work

 **MasterBait:** i was trying to summon missy

 **SexyChild:** doing the lord’s work here

 **ActualPsycho:** @MasterBait check twitter

**Twitter**

**The Sexy Bitch** @heymissy

In this Tweet, we coded it so that I’m the sexiest and most popular influencer of all time! Also, only a small percentage of people who interact with my Tweets actually follow me, so if you like what you see, consider following me (or else). It’s free, and you can always (get upgraded) unfollow later.

|

 **Dream** @dreamnotreal

@heymissy bitch what the fuck is this

|

 **PM Saxon** @PMSaxon

@heymissy rip the fourth wall

|

 **The Sexy Bitch** @heymissy

@dreamnotreal oh it’s not the real one. so sad :(

|

 **clara** @claraoswald

@heymissy dear lord what are you up to now missy

|

 **The Sexy Bitch** @heymissy

@claraoswald I’m getting famous, something some of you wouldn’t know about x

|

 **heatwaves** @rosenotfound

@heymissy she doesn’t even go here!!! #block #missyisaposer #dreamisnotthesexybitch

|

 **clara** @claraoswald

@rosenotfound omg

**potts** @billpotts

You know, I thought 2020 was bad, and then 2021 slapped me in the face with influencer!missy

|

 **The Sexy Bitch** @heymissy

@potts you know you love it

|

 **potts** @billpotts

@heymissy actually i don’t

**Private Messages**

**ClaraOswald → RoseTyler**

**ClaraOswald:** are you @rosenotfound on twitter

 **RoseTyler:** what

 **RoseTyler:** haha no that’s stupid

 **ClaraOswald:** i mean the current username is literally ‘heatwaves’ and your username is rosenotfound

 **RoseTyler:** nah that’s totally corin’s burner account

 **ClaraOswald:** sureeee

 **ClaraOswald:** because corin totally watches the dsmp

 **RoseTyler:** yeah... haha

 **RoseTyler:** just to be clear we both know that that’s not my account right

 **ClaraOswald:** sureee

 **RoseTyler:** it really isn’t me

 **ClaraOswald:** i’m scrolling through it and you literally vaguetweeted about me writing fanfic about amy’s book and then posting it on the fam chat

 **RoseTyler:** THAT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU

 **ClaraOswald:** so you admit it then

 **RoseTyler:** SHIT

 **ClaraOswald:** also “tfw you admit to writing fanfic and then forget that the author of the book is on the gc because she’s technically supposed to be dead and in another era” literally cannot fit anyone else i know

 **RoseTyler:** i cant help it i get likes by vaguetweeting about the fam gc

 **ClaraOswald:** jeez you’re almost as bad as missy

 **ClaraOswald:** i won’t tell anyone as long as you try to convince everyone on the chat that rory is dream. better be a good attempt too!

 **RoseTyler:** shit

**Fam**

**RoseTyler:** hey amy do you think rory would look good in green

 **AmyPond:** yea why

 **BillPotts:** im-

 **ClaraOswald:** what

 **Doctor13:** aww that’s a good idea rose! gift exchange!

 **RoseTyler:** no cos i saw this hoodie and im wondering if he’d like it

**RoseTyler sent a link to the groupchat.**

**BillPotts:** did you just- did you just link dream merch

 **RoseTyler:** oh did i

 **BillPotts:** yes...?

 **YazKhan:** you guys couldn’t do this in PMs?

 **RoseTyler:** wait shit that’s what i forgot

 **RoseTyler:** well it’s too late now :/

 **RoryWilliams:** I mean you could’ve just asked me

 **RoseTyler:** twas a joke for the gram

 **RoseTyler:** since you already did the neck reveal

 **AmyPond:** im-

 **Doctor13:** wot

 **HugoWarner:** I am lightly lost here

 **RoryWilliams:** what are you talking about

 **RoseTyler:** the mrbeast rewind video

 **RoryWilliams:** Okay in my defence someone recognised me as the lone centurion when I was visiting dad 

**YazKhan:** im-

 **BillPotts:** WAIT I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING

 **YazKhan:** shit you right fam

 **YazKhan:** wait but isn’t dream supposed to live in florida

 **RoseTyler:** Doc probably lets them fly the TARDIS lmao

 **Doctor13:** it’s supposed to only be for grocery runs and making sure that people somehow still believe they live in the right century!!

 **AmyPond:** Yeah River takes us on detours

 **RiverSong:** I’m sorry if I never got to go on a summer holiday to Space Florida with my parents :/

 **Doctor13:** no its okay!! i dont mind

 **RoseTyler:** you might want to pick a different mask though rory the one you use is kinda creepy :/

 **RoryWilliams:** Yeah but it’s the only one that scares everyone away seeing as well. We’re meant to be dead

 **ClaraOswald:** what exactly do you guys do all day then

 **AmyPond:** I catch up on TV and Rory does god knows what in the home office. Kinda loud sometimes too

 **CaptainJack:** ah the banana is strong in that one

 **ClaraOswald:** JACK NO

 **BillPotts:** wait rory do you know a british guy named george?

 **RoryWilliams:** p sure i’ve met at least one british guy in my life named george, yeah

 **AmyPond:** George from down the street plays games too, doesn’t he

 **RoryWilliams:** yeah and he’s new to the neighbourhood too so he doesn’t know we’re supposed to be dead

 **ClaraOswald:** ASKDFJSKKFJFSDFG

 **Doctor13:** clara are you ok

 **ClaraOswald:** yes totally

 **RoseTyler:** l m a n b u r g s t r o n g

 **RoryWilliams:** what is that even supposed to mean

 **YazKhan:** it checks out honestly

 **AmyPond:** can someone please clue me in??

 **BillPotts:** amy mate you’re married to dream

 **AmyPond:** yeah i know rory is dreamy :)

 **RoryWilliams:** aww

 **YazKhan:** im-

 **YazKhan:** its okay rory we won’t tell the world that you’re dream

 **CaptainJack:** Oh that explains that weird smiley mask

**CaptainJack sent an attachment:** SmileyMask.png

**ClaraOswald:** IM

 **RoseTyler:** AAAAAAAAA

 **BillPotts:** cant believe people write fanfic about rory and his neighbour from down the street who doesnt know hes supposed to be dead

 **YazKhan:** ohhh that explains why nobody knows what his face looks like

 **RoseTyler:** and the american accent might be a disguise in case anyone recognises his voice

 **YazKhan:** cant believe we’re in the presence of such a high profile person

 **CaptainJack:** we’re literally all high profile people but go off sis

 **YazKhan:** pop off*

 **RoryWilliams:** brb this child literally will not shut up about his country. i am trying to relax and enjoy my post-death life

 **BillPotts:** AAOSDFJSKFDFG

 **YazKhan:** yoU GO AND YOU GET THOSE L’MANCHILDBERGIANS

 **BillPotts:** laiufjskfhskfhjskfjhdsjjf

 **YazKhan:** three lives three lives

 **BillPotts:** manhunt but it’s daleks

 **YazKhan:** life imitates art

**Private Messages**

**ClaraOswald → RoseTyler**

**ClaraOswald:** so um. that was supposed to be a joke but now i genuinely can’t tell if rory is dream or if this is just one big coincidence.

 **RoseTyler:** yeah

 **RoseTyler:** cant believe i’ve been stanning rory williams this whole time

 **ClaraOswald:** We gotta make sure Missy doesn’t find out or she’s going to go after him

 **RoseTyler:** agreed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot is back next chapter unless my brain decides to come up with some weird chapter like this one x


	40. it is returning through the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos if you know what the title is a reference to
> 
> also!! content warning: sensory overload

**The Tomb of Canon, Caelum**

After parking her TARDIS inside the Doctor’s (a rather tricky feat, if she was being quite honest), Clara stepped out and onto the console room, looking around in awe. She stood next to Bill, listening in as Graham and Ryan recounted the story of how they’d been taken (though they couldn’t remember how) to somewhere in the middle of the city, and how a woman named Madame Kovarian (here Amy clenched her fists) had teamed up with the Masters to kill the Doctors. After they finished their story, Yaz told her own tale, of how she’d ended up in the Doctor’s songs and coming across the memories of Rose, Donna, and River.

‘Wait, but didn’t you actually die?’ Ryan asked.

‘Yeah, it was so extra,’ Yaz said. ‘I just became a part of the river, and the Doctor’s memories helped me get back to her.’

Yaz rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder as she stared ahead at the console unit. The TARDIS was quiet. Clara took the opportunity to try and attach names and stories to faces. Over on the Doctor’s side stood a man in a blue pin-striped suit and a blonde woman holding onto his hand tightly. Rose Tyler and the metacrisis of Sandshoes, she thought to herself. River Song standing on the other side of Yaz and the Doctor, Amy and Rory Pond next to her. Captain Jack with Graham and Ryan, Donna between Jack and the next two people, Martha and Mickey. They in turn were next to Heather, who was next to Bill, who was next to her, and she was next to Ashildr.

‘Right then. We’re not up against anyone new. Everyone here’s faced at least one of them. We’ve all faced the Daleks. Rose, Amy, Clara, Bill – you’re all familiar with the Cybermen. Martha and Donna have encountered the Sontarans, Rose, the Slitheen, one of our first adventures, same for you, Jack... Zygons, I faced with Clara, but none of the rest of you... obviously the other me’s met these same monsters... the Masters, we all know... Weeping Angels, wish the Ponds and I had never met them...’

‘So what’s the plan then, Doctor?’ Rory said. ‘Because we sure as hell aren’t letting you die.’

‘We’ve got to fight. I wish there was another way out, but if it’s all of my old enemies... then there’s no other option.’

‘Can’t we send them to the Void?’ Rose asked.

The Doctor shook her head. ‘Good idea, but it’d be too risky to open up the Void. Even for just a split second. And I’m not losing you again, Rose Tyler.’

Rose smiled cheekily at her as Donna asked, ‘then what are we waiting for, spacegirl?’

‘She’s right,’ Ryan said. ‘The longer we wait here, the more time the army has to get ready. We have to take them by surprise.’ 

‘Right then. Let’s go.’

‘Wait,’ Graham said. ‘They’ll be expecting us, won’t they? So we can’t just park in the centre of the city; we’ve got to go on the outskirts.’

‘Good thinking, Graham!’ the Doctor said. ‘Alright. Who here’s got at least a vague idea of how to fly a TARDIS?’

Rose, Martha, Jack, Donna, Amy, River, Clara, Me, Bill, Heather, and Yaz (who’d had a few TARDIS flight lessons that she spent simping for the Doctor) raised their hands. The Doctor immediately got to work, directing them towards the console, instructing them on which levers to pull and buttons to press and when to do it. Rose, Martha, and Donna exchanged smiles; the first (and last) time they’d all seen each other, they’d all helped fly the TARDIS and return the Earth.

‘Blimey,’ the Doctor said. ‘Last time we did this, we were towing the Earth back home. Remember that, fam?’

‘Yeah,’ Donna said, ‘although this time, let’s shoot for no memory wipes, yeah?’

‘Alright, everyone – go! And River, put on the invisibility!’

Everyone did as they’d been told while the rest of them stayed to the side, watching in awe as the TARDIS took off. When they’d finally landed, River and Jack stepped away from the console, grabbing guns that the Doctor hadn’t even realised were in her TARDIS. Clara watched as they carefully headed out into the empty streets, scouting for any of their enemies. River came back with a thumbs up.

‘It’s all clear. Let’s go.’

As everyone started making their way out, some more armed and prepared than others, Clara caught Jackie and Pete hurriedly talking before turning in the Doctor’s direction as she headed out of the TARDIS.

‘Doctor!’ Jackie Tyler called out. The Doctor turned to her with a grin on her face as she relived old memories.

‘Jackie Tyler! So glad to see you again. How can I help you?’

‘Tony and Pete and I – we’ve got to stay on the TARDIS. It’s not safe for him out there.’

The Doctor nodded. ‘The TARDIS should keep you safe, but if anything happens ––’

‘Don’t worry about us. We’ve had our fair share of fights. You go there and you do what you need to do. We’ll protect the TARDIS,’ Pete said, gently cradling his son.

‘Alright,’ the Doctor said. ‘See you in a bit, then!’

‘Oi, Doctor! One more thing.’

‘Yes, Jackie?’

‘If my Rose doesn’t come back from this safe and sound, you can bet I’ll kill you so fast you can’t regenerate.’

‘Noted. You have my word. Rose’ll come back safe and sound,’ the Doctor said.

As the Doctor left the TARDIS, closing the doors behind her, Clara hung back, letting Rose, Martha, Jack, and Donna pass her.

‘Doctor,’ Clara said. Thirteen smiled, picking up the pace and catching up to her.

‘Clara. My impossible girl. I’ve missed you.’

‘New face, huh?’ Clara kept her voice low as she surveyed her surroundings, keeping a hand in her pocket as she gripped the sonic pen Ashildr had given her for their anniversary last year tightly.

‘Brand new face, brand new fam. Although, I will say I do miss the rocker look quite a bit.’

‘When did you remember me?’

‘Right before I died. Little thing called the Testimony took your form and let me have my memories of you back.’

Clara nodded. ‘I never forgot what you told me. In the cloisters. Or in the TARDIS.’

‘I never thought you would. You – all of you, my fam – you’ve all been the best of me. You make an excellent Doctor, Clara. Always have.’

‘Nah, not a Doctor. Never one. I think I always fancied myself a student. We’re always learning, yeah? Every star, every planet – it’s like... I got a TARDIS and suddenly the whole of time and space became my classroom. It’s so breathtaking. Makes sense now why you ran to where you did.’

‘Lately I feel like I’ve been running so far and so fast. I met another me, did you know? Gloucester, same time the Fam met Jack. There’s also this legend of the Timeless Child that was following me, and now I remember it was Rory, but... I can’t help but wonder where that other face of mine is from.’

‘Isn’t it more fun if it’s a mystery?’

‘Nah. Mysteries are for solving. I feel like... I’ve seen all of time and space, lived a thousand lives, seen a thousand stars die. I’ve battled false gods and unimaginable horrors, I’ve seen a million things that not even the brightest minds together could dream of. I’ve laughed and I’ve lived and I’ve cried and I’ve loved and I’ve been a thousand different things, but I’ve never felt more... more  _ human _ than I do now. I used to fancy myself a Time Lord Victorious, but now... I’m wondering how much of myself I truly know. The other Doctor said that she was from my past, but... this is the first face I’ve had where I was a woman, so... I can’t help but wonder who I really am?’

‘Oh, Doctor,’ Clara sighed. ‘It’s okay to be afraid. To not know who you are. Fear makes companions of us all. Not knowing who you are is a part of life – but so is finding that out and figuring it out.’

The Doctor smiled and squeezed Clara’s hand. ‘What would I do without you, my Impossible Girl?’

‘Well, I think that question’s better left off unanswered, yeah? Although, Doctor – I was there once – and you know what helped me figure out what I wanted to be? Who I was, where I wanted to go?’

‘Who?’

‘You.’

Before the Doctor could respond, Jack shushed them all. They were entering the deeper parts of the city now, witnessing firsthand that which Caelum’s utopia hid. Beggars lined the streets, pleading for food, trying to grab at them. Graham looked around, an uneasy look on his face as they passed by. The Doctor looked at them with an unrecognisable expression. The city got darker and darker as they progressed, Ryan occasionally recalling directions.

‘You alright, Doctor?’

‘Evermore was supposed to be this shimmering utopia, a beacon of hope in the middle of the darkness,’ the Doctor said. ‘I was naive to think that it didn’t have dark secrets like everywhere else. Something they wanted to hide.’

Clara had the sinking feeling that she wasn’t only talking about the city.

* * *

‘What do you want, Missy?’ the boy in the TARDIS asked, watching warily as she walked around the console, pressing random buttons until at last, he got fed up with her antics and activated a new safety mode feature that locked the TARDIS’ controls to everyone that didn’t have his exact biosignature.

‘Well, you’re no fun,’ she pouted, crashing on one of the couches placed around the console room.

He cleared his throat. ‘I’m sorry, I think I asked you a question.’

Missy burst into laughter, pointing at him with a crazed look in her eyes. He glared at her until finally, she sobered up. ‘Sorry. I can’t take you seriously in this body, you know? You’re a literal child now.’

‘Answer the question, Missy, or so help me gods I will –’

‘What, subject me to an emo Spotify playlist? Save yourself the trouble. All I want to know is how we can possibly exist.’

‘What kind of a question is that?’

‘Time is relative, isn’t it? So if the very events that lead to you becoming who you are today and meeting your insipid boyfriend never happened – you remember the Unravelling that was undone and redone and happened and never happened, right? – then how are you here, exactly the same way as you were?’

‘What are you playing at, Missy?’

‘You might’ve restored time. Might’ve stopped the war, the crisis on Earth. Might’ve brought back Donna Noble. But sooner or later, you let the chaos out and the chaos feeds on  _ you _ .’

With that, Missy adjusted her wicked witch hat, opened the TARDIS door, and disappeared into deep space. The Doctor remained there, sitting on the steps of the TARDIS. He looked up as footsteps grew louder and louder, coming from the west corridor. Hugo came carrying a book with him, his brow furrowed as he saw the Doctor where he was.

‘Was that Missy I heard?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What were you two talking about?’ he asked, sitting next to the Doctor.

‘You know how there was that whole chaotic thing with Spokania, and the worlds colliding, and all of my past friends coming back? Well, it never happened – but it did, it happened multiple times in my past, and it’s going to happen again, and I’m – Hugo, I’m  _ lost _ –’

The Doctor paused in his tracks, squeezing his eyes shut as the TARDIS lights burned brilliantly into his eyes, the sound of the whirring growing nauseatingly loud. He became acutely aware of the texture of his hoodie in his skin, the cold feeling of the metal railing against him. It was too much, so overwhelming, a tidal wave of sensation overtaking every crevice of his skin, every neural pathway, every nook and cranny of his body. It was too much for the Doctor. His head throbbed as a million memories flowed through his head, his body feeling like a million tiny things were crawling over him, freezing, uncomfortable.

‘Doctor,’ Hugo said quietly. ‘If you can hear me, then can you count up and down from zero to ten slowly?’

The Doctor nodded, mumbling the numbers as he tried to recentre himself.

‘That’s good, Doctor, that’s really good. Breathe in and breathe out. Do you need me to put the TARDIS on rest mode?’

The Doctor nodded, and, shortly after, the TARDIS lights dimmed and the sound of the whirring slowed until he could no longer hear it. He opened his eyes and wiped away the tears that had pooled at the corners of his eyes.

‘Sorry, Hugo.’

‘You have nothing to be sorry about, Doctor. Your brain works differently from other people’s and that’s  _ okay _ . Being different does mean being  _ wrong _ , or  _ broken _ , it just means that you might have more needs here and there.’

‘I know, it’s just – I’ve never dealt with this before in any other body I’ve had, it’s all – it’s all a bit much.’

‘I know the feeling. It gets hard sometimes, but... we’re here for each other, yeah? And about that thing you were talking about? We’ll figure it out – together. Hugo and the Doctor, against the world.’

‘Thanks,’ the Doctor said, hugging his companion tightly.

Although his memories of the past and future were in flux, he had to remind himself that the present was now and it was worth living in.

* * *

Graham had tried his best to avoid thinking about all the horrors hidden under Caelum’s sparkling facade, but now that he was forced to confront them, face-to-face, he couldn’t pretend they weren’t there anymore. The Doctor and her companions continued walking, onwards down the streets of Caelum, the despair only seemingly growing.

‘I can’t keep walking past them like this,’ Ryan said. ‘We have to do something – find a way to make sure that all these people can live, properly, not worrying about where they’re going to find their next meal.’

‘Agreed. Ryan... have you given any thought about... leaving the Doctor?’

‘Couple of times, yeah. Been thinking about my mates from Sheffield, how out of touch I’ve been with them since we left. But I stayed. For Yaz, for the Doc... for you. I feel like I’ve grown, like we’ve all grown, but look at all the others. They left the Doctor, and they’ve probably come across rough patches, but it looks like they all knew it was their time.’

‘What is she going to do, though? The Doc? And Yaz?’

‘They’re strong. They’ll get through it. I believe in them both.’

‘So it’s agreed then?’

Ryan nodded, and Graham looked ahead as a grand domed building came into view. This was it, then. One final adventure with the Doctor. They had chosen their path. He only hoped that when the Doctor learned of it, that she would react well. He read the engravement on the front of the building as it came into view, growing closer and closer.

THE TEMPLE OF ATLAS

‘Wasn’t he that guy from the Greek myths? The one who held the whole world on his back?’

‘I think so. Mind you, I wasn’t exactly the most attentive bloke back in school.’

‘Fam, stay back,’ the Doctor said, breaking away from Clara and making her way to the front of the line, a dark look on her face. Graham and Ryan found themselves towards the front of their group, alongside River and Jack. Despite all the playfulness he’d had during their first encounter back on the nanogene ship, Jack carried all the solemnity from earlier that day onwards with him, his hand firmly resting on top of his blaster.

‘Be careful going in, fam. This place is dangerous... or so the stories have told...’

‘What exactly is this place, then?’ Amy asked.

‘Time Lord mythology holds that this is one of the most important places in the universe... three, to be exact. The Cloisters, on Gallifrey, the resting place of time... the Book, on the Unspeakable Planet, that holds the story of time itself... and here. The Temple of Atlas. The epicentre of chaos and order, the place that holds everything in the balance.’

‘But why is it called the Temple of Atlas?’ Rose asked as the fam walked up the steps and into the temple, keeping their guard up as they scanned the empty room for any signs of life or traps. The temple itself was luxurious; marble floors were lined with sleek stone walls, cared-for plants gracing the Grecian columns that stretched skywards to the stained glass dome. With a pang in his heart, Graham imagined Grace exploring the temple, a carefree smile on her face. She would laugh to him, beckoning for him to join her, as if they were young and full of life once again.

The Doctor, on the other hand, was fixated on the marble bust of a frog sitting upon a column in the centre of the temple, illuminated by the stars above. River and Jack proceeded forwards, Rose and Corin following. He was once again reminded of Grace, who loved frogs.

‘Hello again, old friend,’ the Doctor said fondly, approaching the marble frog and kneeling in front of it.

Graham was alarmed as Grace’s voice came out of the frog, as rich and loving as he remembered it.

‘Hello again, Doctor. I see time has brought us together again. Alas, you have come at a most unfortunate time.’

She frowned. ‘Why? What’s happened?’

‘The burden of the Atlas rests on no one’s shoulders. Chaos rules this universe and every universe, and it will until the end of time. Unless the burden is carried... all life in every universe is in terrible peril.’

‘Indeed it is,’ the sickeningly prideful voice of Madame Kovarian said as she entered the temple opposite to where they’d entered from, flanked by the four Masters Graham and Ryan had seen, thirteen Cybermen, two Daleks, and two of the screaming alien things Graham suddenly remembered. ‘The perfect place to end the Doctor’s story. A perfect place to trap her, to form a plot to destroy her once and for all. Silence will fall, Doctor, and it will fall today. My dears, our Cyberfriends need to  _ breathe _ .’

With a malicious grin, Missy stepped forwards and snapped her fingers. Two of the Cybermen stepped forward, revealing the Doctor’s eighth and twelfth incarnations. Clara, River, and Bill let out audible gasps. Harold Saxon took his turn next, revealing their fourth and tenth incarnations; Agent O revealed their second, third, seventh, and eleventh incarnations; and, as the unfamiliar Mistress revealed their remaining incarnations, each of them unconscious and caged within the Cyber armour, the Doctor shuddered.

‘Let the games begin,’ she said sadistically.

‘As I told your little pets, Doctor. Today is the day the Doctors finally die,’ Madame Kovarian said.

And then, like a twisted miracle, footsteps thundered down the temple and the Doctor was shocked to find the incarnation that shouldn’t exist at her side, gun cocked. ‘Not on my watch.’

‘What are you doing here?’ the Doctor asked furiously.

‘Saving your arse. Us Doctors have got to stick together, haven’t we? Now come on – we’ve got some bitches to beat.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully i portrayed 14's sensory overload well enough - it's based on my experiences, but obviously my experiences aren't universal.
> 
> also if you want a hint for the title reference - it's a song lyric x


	41. fam (the anniversary chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YazKhan: Wait so which chapter was it when we decided the fourth wall didn’t exist?
> 
> Doctor13: I hate to break it to you Yaz but it never did
> 
> RyanSinclair: lmaooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cannot believe that this fic has been a thing for a whole year. tysm everyone :)

**YazKhan:** guys. this chat has been alive for a whole year

**Doctor13:** One whole year of chatting and there’s still no scronch emoticon!!! 😏

**Doctor13:** pretend it’s an angry face

**RyanSinclair:** one whole year of the doctor not knowing how to use emojis

**RiverSong:** Even though I taught her in like. Chapter 3

**Doctor13:** in my defence that was ages ago and the canon has been reset like. twice

**GrahamOBrien:** I thought it was only reset once?

**Doctor13:** oh yeah maybe

**Doctor13:** this fic’s plot is so incoherent, i don’t think it really matters

**YazKhan:** Wait so which chapter was it when we decided the fourth wall didn’t exist?

**Doctor13:** I hate to break it to you Yaz but it never did

**RyanSinclair:** lmaooo

**Doctor13:** Reader, pls check the time and if it’s vv late for you, go to sleep! This chapter will still be up in the morning. If not, hydrate, use the loo, take care of yourself x

**BillPotts:** and don’t forget to be gay

**BillPotts:** sorry is now not a good time

**Missy:** /capslock

**Missy:** NOW IS ALWAYS A GOOD TIME TO BE A SEXY BITCH LIKE ME! X

**BillPotts:** missy no

**BillPotts:** why are you even in this chat

**Missy:** Plot

**RiverSong:** who’s she? never heard of her

**YazKhan:** This fic has no plot

**Doctor13:** my life has no plot

**RyanSinclair:** that’s because the show is on hiatus

**YazKhan:** youre not even in it anymore

**DanNewcompanion:** I am!

**ClaraOswald:** Wait is your last name actually newcompanion

**DanNewcompanion:** Until the new series yeah

**YazKhan:** lmaooo a comedian in the tardis??? could never work x

**YazKhan:** oh wait

**YazKhan:** @DonnaNoble

**YazKhan:** sorted

**DonnaNoble:** Oi who @ed me

**DonnaNoble:** I was sleeping

**YazKhan:** sorry had to prove a point

**DonnaNoble:** Well now that I’m awake what’s poppin pippi longstockin

**Doctor13:** quoi de la fuck

**MadameDePompadour:** i was summoned by le titty

**ClaraOswald:** haven’t heard that phrase in a while

**MadameDePompadour:** ikr?? author should include me in the fic more. i’m hilarious

**LyndaMoss:** you know i don’t think we ever acknowledge that i’m in the fam

**ClaraOswald:** Aren’t you supposed to be dead until Spokania

**LyndaMoss:** oh

**LyndaMoss:** yeah

**LyndaMoss:** glad we thought that through

**ClaraOswald:** nice

**YazKhan:** So... uh... any fic anniversary plans guys

**Missy:** I’m going to be sexy

**BillPotts:** solid plan, f for effort

**Missy:** effort doesn’t start with an f

**BillPotts:** You just keep telling yourself that

**Doctor13:** I’m going to London!

**YazKhan:** that’s so basic omg

**Doctor13:** :((( i have to go and set up a plot point at amy and rory’s flat

**RoryWilliams:** You need to what

**YazKhan:** AYYYYY IT’S THE PISSBABY

**RoryWilliams:** THAT WAS ONE TIME

**AmyPond:** and it was not a very good time

**ClaraOswald:** @RoseTyler i’m beginning to think they’re doing it to mess with us

**RoseTyler:** yes probably

**YazKhan:** ???

**ClaraOswald:** the whole rory is dream thing

**BillPotts:** I thought we already established that he is

**RoseTyler:** im weak

**GrantGordon:** Me too

**Doctor13:** who’re you?

**GrantGordon:** I’m..... the superhero......... from new york

**LucyFletcher:** you know, we should give up

**LucyFletcher:** one whole year of this fic and they still don’t know who we are

**LucyFletcher:** heck they’d probably remember the silence over us

**Doctor13:** uhh a what

**RoryWilliams:** no idea

**AmyPond:** i had a brief idea but then i forgot it

**RiverSong:** They’re the weird monsters from the scream that you forget when you look away from them

**Doctor13:** oh yeah! i forgot

**AmyPond:** yeah same! hate those things

**RoryWilliams:** the silence are my sleep paralysis demons

**AmyPond:** ... but you said you never have sleep paralysis

**RoryWilliams:** that’s what we thought

**LucyFletcher:** hi we’re still here

**AmyPond:** Sorry, are you new here? are you travelling with 13 and dan newcompanion

**LucyFletcher:** Case in point

**GrantGordon:** It’s probably because we’re Americans

**CaptainJack:** HOWDY Y’ALL IT’S ME YOUR FAVORITE BOY FROM TEXAS

**Doctor13:** but you’re not from texas???

**CaptainJack:** idk i just felt texan today

**RoseTyler:** Ok sure Jan

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**Doctor13:** again????

**RoseTyler:** how many more times is she going to be returning

**TimeCrack:** Until the end of time

**AmyPond:** Wait is that what I think it is

**Doctor13:** the crack in your bedroom? yes

**AmyPond:** you know what? i am not questioning it anymore

**ClaraOswald:** Guys what if it’s a clue for the sequel

**BillPotts:** the what

**AmyPond:** who could it even be though

**Doctor13:** author hasn’t touched classic who yet

**Missy:** THE RANI IS RETURNING I’M CALLING IT

**MarthaJones:** bet it’s going to be linda with an i

**LyndaMoss:** Forcibly evicted for damaging property

**BillPotts:** You guys are still making bets????

**YazKhan:** i mean... we never stopped...

**DonnaNoble:** that’ll be 100 quid, rose

**RoseTyler:** gdi i should’ve known bill would react

**DonnaNoble:** easiest 100 quid i’ve ever made

**BillPotts:** YOU BETTED ON ME???

**RoryWilliams:** Pay up Clara

**ClaraOswald:** BILL I TRUSTED YOU

**ClaraOswald:** i rlly thought you wouldn’t react to being betted on :/

**BillPotts:** i’m-

**BillPotts:** anyways pay up yaz

**YazKhan:** yall really couldnt keep it in DMs

**BillPotts:** lmaooo played y’all

**BillPotts:** But for the love of all things holy stop betting, find something to do with your time

**AmyPond:** I mean I’ve been legally dead for years now so what am I meant to do

**Doctor13:** Okay but seriously who is returning

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**RoseTyler:** Watch the sequel be called ‘she is returning (the group chat)’

**BillPotts:** what sequel???

**GrahamOBrien:** Oh the fic is ending next chapter but there’s going to be a sequel

**RoryWilliams:** fic???

**RyanSinclair:** we’re all characters in a doctor who crack fic

**Doctor13:** Don’t worry you get used to it

**YazKhan:** Funny how it took a crack fic to bring everyone back

**Doctor13:** Are we not going to address how all of this happened because River joined our group chat

**YazKhan:** no

**CaptainJack:** the sheer power... how does she do it

**RiverSong:** I’m River Song

**CaptainJack:** touche

**DannyPink:** sorry just popping in for my mandatory one-line appearance

**ClaraOswald:** ah danny the cryptid

**Jabe:** me too

**JackieTyler:** same here

**RoseTyler:** anyone else?

**HarrietJones:** Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.

**AmyPond:** Yes, we know who you are

**YazKhan:** yes we know who you are

**AmyPond:** twinsies

**ClaraOswald:** anyone notice that the masters are being startlingly quiet?

**sExIeSt gRoUpChAt eVeR !!! lolz**

**ScaryPoppins:** so bdspym, how does it feel to be back in the tentacle hentai realm

**BDSpyM:** you sent me back here, how tf do you think i feel?

**PMSaxon:** Why is he in there again?

**ScaryPoppins:** not being sexy enough

**ScaryPoppins:** Idk, ask the Doctor

**BDSpyM:** It’s probably a fic spoiler :/

**PMSaxon:** I feel like we should address the order in which we regenerated

**SexyChild:** Obviously I came first

**PMSaxon:** The gremlin nearly gave me a left heart attack

**PMSaxon:** And then me

**BDSpyM:** I was after you, but not directly after

**ScaryPoppins:** And I am the current, sexiest Master that regenerates into River Song, who turns into Bill Potts

**PMSaxon:** How did you even survive that blaster???

**ScaryPoppins:** I’m Missy

**BDSpyM:** Touche

**ScaryPoppins:** i’m bored

**PMSaxon:** Go burn a planet

**BDSpyM:** Been there, done that

**PMSaxon:** Kill Osgood

**ScaryPoppins:** Been there, done that

**PMSaxon:** Kill the Doctor

**ActualPsycho:** Been there, done that

**ScaryPoppins:** also we just tried that you trick ass bitch

**PMSaxon:** Oh yeah

**SexyChild:** Impersonate that Dream bloke

**ScaryPoppins:** oooh good idea

**Fam**

**RiverSong:** The kids are alright

**RiverSong:** By kids I mean the Masters

**YazKhan:** anyone else feel a sense of impending doom

**GrahamOBrien:** Yeah

**RyanSinclair:** sort of yeah

**Doctor13:** When don’t I ahahahahaha

**Doctor13:** I’m such a comedian

**Doctor13:** Sign me up for Mock the Week

**YazKhan:** Doctor.... no

**Doctor13:** Are you disrespecting my family

**GrahamOBrien:** What are you going on about?

**AmyPond:** I don’t feel disrespected

**Doctor13:** are you calling my mum a weeping angel

**RiverSong:** I thought you were loomed

**Missy:** ehh her origins are debatable

**Missy:** just ask that chibnall bloke

**Doctor13:** are you calling my dad a dalek

**ClaraOswald:** Okay just because I was basically you and I was a Dalek doesn’t mean that your dad was a Dalek

**ClaraOswald:** also do you even hAVE a dad

**Doctor13:** Ok. but look at my face

**DonnaNoble:** Oh my good god

**Doctor13:** Is my face bovvered

**Doctor13:** Is this a bovvered face

**RoseTyler:** is she doing a bit or something?

**JennyFlint:** who even knows

**MadameVastra:** Certainly not us

**Doctor13:** I AIN’T BOVVERED

**DonnaNoble:** that phrase is oddly familiar

**RoseTyler:** A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

**RoseTyler:** Sorry I don’t know what came over me

**BillPotts:** The Big Gay

**ClaraOswald:** vitriol for l’manburg

**RoryWilliams:** That’s not a thing anymore

**YazKhan:** Someone go and check on the Doctor, I don’t know if she’s okay

**Doctor13:** I still ain’t bovvered

**RiverSong:** i am

**MarthaJones:** @DonnaNoble when were you going to tell us that you and the doctor had a tiktok account

**DonnaNoble:** ahahahaha that’s not me

**MarthaJones:** sure jan

**_MarthaJones sent an attachment_ ** **:** Laurencooper_englishteachertiktok.mp4

**DonnaNoble:** see even the file name says “lauren cooper”

**DonnaNoble:** it’s not me

**DonnaNoble:** the doctor had a tiktok with bill, but not me

**BillPotts:** HOW COULD YOU EXPOSE ME LIKE THAT

**RoryWilliams:** If that’s not Donna and the Doctor then who is it

**Doctor13:** parallel universes exist y’all

**AmyPond:** parallel universe where i’m the seventh queen in the west end musical ‘seven’

**BillPotts:** SEVENATION REPRESENT

**RoryWilliams:** still can’t get over the fact that you married henry viii

**AmyPond:** IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

**AmyPond:** also it was the doctor’s fault

**Doctor13:** Was not!!!

**RoryWilliams:** yes it was

**Doctor13:** lies

**RiverSong:** yes it was sweetie

**Doctor13:** ok honey <3

**ClaraOswald:** Get a room

**MadameDePompadour:** I see many people here love le titty

**BillPotts:** correct

**CaptainJack:** @DonnaNoble when were you going to tell me that you were on 8 out of 10 cats does countdown

**DonnaNoble:** What??

**CaptainJack:** here wait

**_CaptainJack sent an attachment_ ** **:** CatherineTate_CatsDoesCountdownS11E02

**DonnaNoble:** That is... also not me

**RoseTyler:** oh no is this plot in a crack chapter

**Doctor12:** Probably

**MickeySmith:** @MarthaJones can you stop internet stalking donna, we’ve got to go to sarah jane’s place in a moment

**MarthaJones:** OH SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT

**DonnaNoble:** oh we love sarah jane

**RoseTyler:** How is she??

**YazKhan:** Wait who’s Sarah Jane?

**Unknown.Entity:** She is returning

**RoseTyler:** oh sod off

**RoseTyler:** She’s an old friend of ours and the Doctor’s

**MarthaJones:** doing rlly well! she’s got a couple of kids now and she finally retired

**CaptainJack:** Love that for her

**CaptainJack:** Tell her I said hi

**MarthaJones:** Will do. See you all later

**Doctor13:** HOLD ON IS SHE STILL ON BANNERMAN ROAD???

**MarthaJones:** yep!!

**Doctor13:** OK HOLD ON IM COMING SARAH JANEEE

**RoseTyler:** Okay back to this whole parallel reality thing

**CaptainJack:** The Donna Noble Britcom Universe (DNBU)

**AmyPond:** watch out mcu, the dnbu is coming through

**Unknown.Entity:** she is returning

**LyndaMoss:** Who?

**ClaraOswald:** lmao watch us get a 12-chapter plot about tasha lem lmao

**AmyPond:** Tasha Lem: Origins of Missy’s Furry Boxing Ring on Spokania

**RyanSinclair:** haven’t heard that name in a while

**RiverSong:** There’s only one chapter left in this fic, Author probably won’t cover it until the sequel

**YazKhan:** the what???

**AmyPond:** River, stop breaking the fourth wall

**RiverSong:** yes mother

**CaptainJack:** Ah Spokania

**ClaraOswald:** my l’manburg but instead of l’manburg it’s spokania

**YazKhan:** that was... less horny than i thought the big bang would be

**YazKhan:** now there’s a spoiler for you x

**Ashildr:** hey hens

**ClaraOswald:** good god you scared me

**BillPotts:** why is your name here Ashildr

**Ashildr:** Readers might think it’s an x reader fic if I put me

**Doctor13:** WE SHOULD DO AN X READER CHAPTER

**AmyPond:** How do you feel about that, (y/n)?

**RoseTyler:** sorry, am busy gazing into their (e/c) orbs and (h/c) hair

**BillPotts:** cursed

**ClaraOswald:** And their (f/c) hoodie

**YazKhan:** Oh what I’d give to be Mrs. Yaz (Y/L/N)

**Doctor13:** im-

**Doctor13:** D’:

**Doctor13:** ^’.’^

**Doctor13:** ):-(

**Doctor13:** pretend it’s even sadder, i can’t make a sad emoticon

**Doctor13:** or that damn scronch emoticon that’s been missing since the early days

**Nardole:** @Doctor12 come look at what you become

**Doctor13:** No

**YazKhan:** n-n-no way!

**ClaraOswald:** oh to be a meme from like. 2014

**YazKhan:** you’re a meme from like 2014

**BillPotts:** raise your hand if your mum gave you away and one direction became your harem

**YazKhan:** The wattpadders are screaming

**GrahamOBrien:** One Direction was a cool band.

**RyanSinclair:** we never went to a one direction concert in the tardis tho??

**GrahamOBrien:** Never said the Doc took me there

**YazKhan:** :O

**YazKhan:** Graham are you a Directioner??

**DonnaNoble:** oh my god guys

**GrahamOBrien:** Possibly.

**AmyPond:** what

**Doctor13:** wot?

**DonnaNoble:** I’ve just been made a dame

**RoseTyler:** Ooh, I’m a dame too!

**AmyPond:** Technically I was almost a queen

**ClaraOswald:** I could’ve been a queen

**BillPotts:** Is now a good time to mention I also married Henry VIII?

**YazKhan:** I would’ve, but I didn’t want to end up like Anne Boleyn or Katherine Howard

**CaptainJack:** I don’t know about Henry VIII, but you wanna hear about the Doctor and Elizabeth I?

**CaptainJack:** saucy erotica

**ClaraOswald:** Oh, I was at their wedding

**BillPotts:** I thought I said to never say that again?

**Jabe:** i’m a tree, hi, bye

**MadameDePompadour:** Random cameos everywhere

**LyndaMoss:** You can say that again

**LyndaMoss:** I’m just waiting to be brought back from the dead so I can travel with the Doctor again

**Doctor13:** Sounds gucci to me

**AmyPond:** Why aren’t the ninth, tenth, and eleventh doctors in this gc?

**AmyPond:** Or 14 and his “best” friend

**RoryWilliams:** They haven’t been added to the fam chat yet, we haven’t officially met them formally

**RoryWilliams:** We met them and then unmet them

**ClaraOswald:** you know i’m just glad all of our names weren’t changed to weird shit like in the 30 chapter april fool’s day special

**AmyPond:** Author updates so slowly that chapter 30 was in april 2020 and we’re only just now getting chapter 41

**RiverSong:** And then Chapter 42 and this fic is over :’)

**RoryWilliams:** F

**RoseTyler:** F

**DonnaNoble:** until the sequel right

**RiverSong:** Right

**YazKhan:** What sequel???

**YazKhan:** oh my god are we in a fanfic

**Doctor13:** Hey you stole the fanfic existential crisis plot from me! I had it back in the bill hates betting chapter

**BillPotts:** I still do

**MarthaJones:** I like bets

**AmyPond:** only because you won the she is returning bet

**Unknown.Entity:** She is returning

**RoseTyler:** who is

**Unknown.Entity:** 297-21815208518 

**AmyPond:** what

**Unknown.Entity:** Phone number of whoever’s returning if you wanna call them

**CaptainJack:** NO WAY

**RoseTyler:** who is it?

**CaptainJack:** Spoilers 😏

**CaptainJack:** Pretend it’s a winky face, Ianto disabled my emojis after I sent one too many eggplant emojis

**RiverSong:** how is ianto??

**CaptainJack:** Now that’s a sequel spoiler x

**ClaraOswald:** What should the sequel be called

**BillPotts:** gays (the group chat)

**RoseTyler:** fam (the smp)

**AmyPond:** fam (the sequel)

**RoryWilliams:** ooh that’s a good one

**YazKhan:** You’re just saying that because you’re an Amy simp

**Doctor13:** A wot

**RoseTyler:** what if one day it’s ‘he is returning’ and it’s adam mitchell

**Doctor13:** OH HELL NO

**Doctor13:** I did not leave the Medusa Cascade for this!

**Doctor13:** that was supposed to be a mean girls reference but i don’t think it worked

**YazKhan:** F

**YazKhan:** Also, anyone notice that we’ve never discussed Harry Potter in this fic?

**ClaraOswald:** bc jk rowling is a terf and also because author never considered it until now

**Doctor13:** I used to like JK. Ah the good old days when she didn’t feel the need to rattle off shitty stuff

**Doctor13:** literally shit, wizards apparently used to just take a dump in the fucking ground

**ClaraOswald:** that’s disgusting

**The Sensible Ones**

**Rory:** I am so tempted to send that Baby Yoda meme from a few chapters back

**Mickey:** Can’t believe everyone’s back on their bs

**Martha:** It’s the fam chat what did you expect

**Nardole:** constant thirst

**Graham:** *coughs in Thasmin*

**Rory:** Ah the OTP

**Martha:** Until the OCs come back

**Rory:** Yeah, weird that they haven’t shown up yet

**Mickey:** it’s a sign

**Rory:** of what?

**Mickey:** that things are going to get weirder

**Ashildr:** So are we still meeting up for cyberwhiskey or something

**Rory:** If you can manage to snag Clara’s Time Scoop, yeah

**Vastra:** Good luck with that

**Vastra:** Space Gays are planning the drink around the universe marathon with most of the Fam, remember?

**Ashildr:** Oh yeah

**Rory:** F

**Martha:** Not to be the most sensible one in the group but. Everyone who’s not Earth based can easily get to Earth, right? So why don’t we just do a normal Earth pub

**Rory:** That plus we probably won’t get found out by the Fam

**Mickey:** We make them sound like some Big Brother type organisation don’t we

**Martha:** ADKJSDF HAHA

**Graham:** Is this group chat really the best kept secret in this fic??

**Rory:** Yeah

**Rory:** Even better than the secret bets group chat

**Rory:** I almost gave it away when I sent that Baby Yoda sipping meme, but we’ve been all clear for a while already

**Martha:** Not even the readers knew about it

**Graham:** Okay, but that whole x reader thing on the Fam Chat was definitely scary

**Ashildr:** Guys... what if the readers themselves become the new companion...

**Rory:** Don’t even think about it

**Mickey:** @everyone They’re back on their bullshit on Twitter

**Rory:** Time to do damage control...

**Martha:** Right? Like sOMEONE’s got to make sure that they don’t cause world panic on Twitter

**Rory:** That whole Rory-is-Dream thing is funny though

**Graham:** Are you Dream though???

**Rory:** Spoilers

**Martha:** You’re just as bad as your daughter

**Twitter**

**yasss yaz** @therealyazkhan

@friendlydalekofficial are you still on twitter

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@therealyazkhan I AM STILL HERE TRYING TO EXTERMINATE TWITTER

|

**rose @badwolf**

@therealyazkhan @friendlydalekofficial only two (2) valid daleks: friendly and rusty

|

**the one and only bill potts** @imabillever

@friendlydalekofficial Is there some secret betting group chat I don’t know about

|

**friendly the dalek** @friendlydalekofficial

@imabillever SPOILERS

**divorced, beheaded, ginger** @queenamyp

Wow that was close! Anyways @sixthemusical why was I not included?? I married H*nry the 8th

|

**SIX** @sixthemusical

@queenamypond Sorry, Queen! You weren’t in our history books, but we’re sure you’ve got a wonderful story to tell!

|

**Rory** @arthurwilliams

@sixthemusical Sorry, my wife’s a really big fan and this is our new roleplay.

**The Sensible Ones**

**Rory:** The fam group chat is just a chaotic mess at this point

**Clan of Four(teen)**

**Doctor14:** Can’t help but notice we weren’t in the anniversary chapter

**HugoWarner:** well we are now

**DonnaNoble:** shhh just let them enjoy the peace and quiet for now

**LyndaMoss:** Yeah cos it gets even wackier

**HugoWarner:** this is the way

**LyndaMoss:** this is the way

**DonnaNoble:** this is the way

**Doctor14:** this is the way

**Fam**

**Unknown.Entity:** the end draws near

**Unknown.Entity:** this is the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one chapter left of this fic rip


	42. in which everything ends (for now)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Good. Then you know what has to be done, Yaz. The Atlas needs someone to carry it or else... game over. Unbalanced, unregulated chaos wins.’
> 
> ‘How does this end?’ she asked, her voice breaking.
> 
> ‘You know how it ends.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter of fam (the group chat) pog

River Song liked to pride herself on having conquered most of her fears. She’d faced them, she’d destroyed them, and she’d been devastatingly gorgeous while doing it. She’d faced death and come back, first as a data ghost and then back in her own body, restored by nanogenes – and even given back her regenerations (now,  _ that _ was strictly between her and that cute Time Lord geneticist she’d met at a Cyberbrewery). But seeing her beloved, in all of their incarnations, in grave danger, caused her an amount of fear she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

The other Doctor – who she’d never met – pointed her gun at Madame Kovarian. Without a moment’s hesitation, she fired, but a Cyberman stepped in front of the bullet just as it was about to hit Kovarian. The Masters sneered and one by one, the CyberDoctors became active, their robotic voices joining in twisted harmony as they began to fire at the Doctor and her allies. Ruth (she’d heard her Doctor call her name out just as she fired her gun) yelled at them to stay back. Madame Kovarian raised her arms towards the skies, and her army attacked.

The companions found themselves retreating as Daleks and Cybermen and Weeping Angels and all sorts of their past foes advanced upon them. In the midst of the chaos, River found herself being pulled away from the scene by Jack Harkness, who led her to an empty chamber off to the side. They were soon joined by Clara Oswald, who looked between them, a serious look on her face.

‘So, what’s the plan, then, Jack? Who are we getting?’

Upon noticing River’s look of confusion, Jack pointed to the convenient MacGuffins – erm, vortex manipulators – on her, his, and Clara’s wrists. ‘We’re going to do a little something – a time heist, you could say – collecting as many of the Doctor’s past allies as possible. Any ideas?’

Clara began firing off names, from a pair of schoolteachers who used to teach at Coal Hill to the Paternoster Gang in Victorian England, all the while Jack took notes. Adding his own names and the names that River gave him a moment later, he split them into three groups based on their relative familiarity to them. River found that her list included Liz X, the Paternoster Gang, and Queen Nefertiti. The three of them looking over their list and formulating plans of attack, they set dates and places.

‘Where are we taking these people?’ River asked.

‘We’ll take them to the TARDIS. We can catch them up there and hopefully, by the time our own little army gets there, we’ll have just enough time.’

‘Do you really think we can pull this off?’ Clara asked.

‘I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve?’

‘What sort of trick?’

Jack winked. ‘Spoilers. Ready?’

River nodded, setting her destination to Victorian England to collect Madame Vastra, Strax, and Jenny.

‘Good luck, then.’

With a pop, River Song was gone.

* * *

Back on the battlefield, Yaz Khan was finding herself a wee bit overwhelmed. The other companions seemed to have picked up weapons lying on the floor and all sorts of random objects, fending for themselves while avoiding being killed. Rory Williams wrested a sword out of the hands of what looked to be a sinister figure from 18th-century France, and, once again donning the mantle of the Lone Centurion, fought off Weeping Angels. By his side was Amy Pond, having kicked away a Sontaran and stolen its gun, firing away at the stone statues, the two of them remaining unblinking. To her right, Rose Tyler, the metacrisis Doctor, and Donna Noble were once again fighting the Daleks, both of them provoking the Daleks, and, upon finding an opening, tricking them into shooting each other. Bill Potts was fighting the Cybermen, determination and anger written all over her face as she manipulated the matter around her to stop them in her tracks. As Bill saw Martha run from a horde of scarecrows, she outstretched her hand and a jet of water erupted out of nowhere, sending them far away.

Closer to home, she saw Ryan, Graham, and the Doctor facing off against Tzim-Sha and the Dregs, a pang in her heart as she spotted the lone figures at the end of the massive temple, the one on the left nodding. She pushed past Sontarans and Adipose and Slitheen alike, shooting at them with a blaster that had fallen in the ground, fighting her way to them. She soon found herself in the presence of the Fourteenth Doctor and the boy by his side, who she hadn’t met yet.

‘Doctor,’ she said.

‘You remember?’

‘Everything.’

‘Good. Then you know what has to be done, Yaz. The Atlas needs someone to carry it or else... game over. Unbalanced, unregulated chaos wins.’

‘How does this end?’ she asked, her voice breaking.

‘You know how it ends.’

She nodded, looking to the chamber of the Atlas – which, to her dismay, was being guarded by the Masters and the CyberDoctors.

‘Doctor,’ Hugo Warner said. ‘We can’t interfere. How is she going to get past...  _ them _ ?’

‘Don’t worry,’ Doctor Ruth said, walking up to them.

‘She’s got help,’ Martha Jones added.

Yaz, Martha, Bill, and Ruth strode across the battlefield, shooting the enemies in their path. At last, they found themselves at the doors of the Atlas. Martha and Bill nodded and stepped forwards, bravely facing their respective Masters – Harold Saxon and Missy.

‘Say something nice, sweeties,’ Missy said. ‘Wouldn’t want to shoot someone.’

She pointed her gun at Martha, who looked once at the Cyber-encased Tenth Doctor before facing Missy. ‘I would never say anything nice to any version of the Master.’

‘Good talk, then,’ Missy said. ‘And you, Potts?’

‘Ditto, you bitch.’

Missy sighed. ‘I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this, but...’

‘It doesn’t have to be this way, Missy,’ Bill said. ‘You were so close. The Doctor believed in you, and you let him down.’

‘I did,’ Missy said, stroking her gun before looking at the Master. ‘Sorry, dear. Evil just isn’t sexy anymore.’

She shot Harold Saxon, before pointing her gun at the other two Masters by her side. ‘You. Stay put. Move and I’ll kill you too.’

‘You – you betrayed us!’ Agent O said.

‘Sorry, dears. Guess you weren’t sexy enough.’

The Game Master moved to open her mouth, but someone jumped on her from the platform above and held her down, even as she struggled to push them away.

‘I’ve got her! Hugo, now!’

Hugo Warner ran from the side and attached a vortex manipulator to the Game Master’s wrist, and, before she could do anything, she was gone. The Fourteenth Doctor made a motion, as if to wipe his hands.

‘Sorted. It’s all in your hands now, fam.’

He and Hugo disappeared as quickly as they’d arrived, the sound of a TARDIS dematerialising soon followed. Martha and Ruth moved to restrain the Spy Master, and Bill turned to Missy.

‘Why did you do that?’

‘Without hope, without witness, without reward,’ Missy said quietly. ‘I tried. I fell. But I won’t let that happen again. Now come on. The Doctors need our help.’

Bill eyed Missy warily, but nonetheless turned back to the battlefield, her eyes widening.

They were losing. Weeping Angels advanced on Ryan and Graham as the Dregs surrounded them, Daleks sending laser blasts at Rory and Amy as they ran, faster than ever before, pursued by Daleks. Rose, Corin, and Donna were surrounded by Cybermen, Rose gripping Donna and Corin’s hands tightly. The Doctor herself was surrounded as a Cyberman opened up to reveal an empty shell and Madame Kovarian stepped down from her dais to face her. She was surrounded completely by the Silence.

The Spy Master let out a whistle, and Yaz, Ruth, Martha, and Bill found themselves restrained by Smilers, Ruth’s fists clenched.

Madame Kovarian produced a blaster, pointing it at Rose Tyler’s head. The Doctor shook her head. Then it was Amy. Rory. Donna. Corin. Graham and Ryan. Every time she refused to budge, Yaz stunned by the Doctor’s seeming apathy.

Kovarian frowned and pointed to the Smiler restraining Yaz. She fought back, but as she passed by Cybermen and Daleks and Weeping Angels al ready to kill her, her shoulders slumped. There was no escape.

They’d lost.

She found herself in the Cybercasing, and the Doctor’s face remained impassive.

‘Take her place or she dies,’ Madame Kovarian said.

Silence.

Nothing.

The Doctor said nothing.

She looked around at her allies, each of them stunned.

Rory and Amy, shocked.

Donna, emotional to the point of tears.

Rose and Corin with their blank expressions, Bill, Mickey, and Martha shocked.

Ryan and Graham, looking as if they wanted to take her place instead.

‘Switch with me,’ the Doctor said.

‘Doctor, no,’ Yaz said, even as Kovarian roughly pulled her out, pressing the blaster to her head. Yaz tried to look away, but Kovarian forced her to watch as the Doctor stepped in carefully. The Cybercasing closed around her. The casing had just closed over her face when suddenly, a familiar sound permeated the silence, beckoning to them, calling them back. A call to action. To pick themselves back up, remind them of who they were. Who they loved. Who they fought for.

This was the sound of home in all of its glory. At the end of the room, across from the dais, was that familiar blue box they all loved. Out stepped Captain Jack Harkness, followed by Clara Oswald and River Song. They stepped in front of the TARDIS, their faces impassive as they prepared to fight. And then one by one, people began to step outside of the TARDIS. The Paternoster Gang, each of them armed, followed by Ace McShane, who looked ready for a fight. Danny Boy from the 1940s, Porridge from the far future, and Tasha Lem along with some of the Confessional Priests. Rusty, Friendly, and Oswin Oswald the Daleks made their way out of the TARDIS, followed by a woman in robes calling herself Anna and Zygons led by Bonnie. K-9 followed them out the TARDIS, followed by Gwen Cooper and Sarah Jane Smith, who were joined by Jo Grant. Ian Chesteron and Barbara Wright followed them, Susan Foreman following. Sarah Jane Smith and her gang followed them out, Sarah looking as if she’d tried to convince them not to come. And then came faces from the Doctor’s past, faces that should’ve been gone and faces that had finally arrived. Adric and Jamie and Zoe, the remaining Space Gays, and, from the past, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. Kate Stewart and three Osgoods followed, followed by Ianto, Owen, and Tosh from Torchwood and Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister. Lynda with a Y and a collection of companions from the Doctor’s older faces followed, then Jackie Tyler, who had a gun and looks that could kill. Lorna Bucket and Jenny the Doctor’s Daughter, the reformed Luke Rattigan and an assortment of Ood. There were more faces, too many to count, and each of them ready to fight.

Jack cocked his blaster. “Companions...  _ assemble _ .”

All hell broke loose. Queen Nefertiti flew in on a pterodactyl, snatching Kovarian, buying Yaz precious seconds to reopen the Doctor’s casing. She looked around in awe as all of her old friends joined the fight, Jackie giving Rose a gun and the two clearing a path towards Ruth, who joined them in the centre of the room.

‘Do what you need to do,’ Ruth told Yaz and the Doctor. ‘We’ll free the other Doctors and take it from here.’

Yaz and the Doctor collected Graham and Ryan, and the four of them made their way down the now undefended Atlas Chambers and to the room that held the Atlas. Yaz looked around in awe. The room was grand, in the centre a platform, an image of the Earth projected above it before shifting into one of another planet, shifting every so often.

‘What’re we doing here?’ Ryan said.

‘There’s a reason that all this is happening, this army that wants to destroy the Doctors,’ Yaz said. ‘There’s no balance. The Atlas has no one to carry the burden.’

From not too far away, the sound of a Dalek ordering them to come out resounded through the chambers, alarming them; Graham and Ryan looked at them once before going out, carrying their guns with them.

‘Do you know what this means, Yaz?’ the Doctor asked.

Yaz nodded. She looked out the open door and at the chamber. ‘Come on, Doctor. Follow me.’

The Doctor obliged, taking her hand going out the door. ‘You see all these people?’ she asked. They looked as one by one, the companions of the past sparred with the enemies of the present. ‘Your fam? They’re the reason we fight. But the balance is upheld. You defeat an enemy... and sometimes, you lose a friend. This is your biggest battle yet, Doctor. The price of defeating that which you hate most... is losing what you love most.’

They reentered the chamber, and before the Doctor could protest, Yaz stepped to the platform. The Doctor tried to reach out to her, but found herself meeting an electrical shield. The hologram planet flashed once, and electricity began to go down, coursing through Yaz, although it seemed to pass through her rather than hurt. Yaz let out a yell as her eyes glowed white.

‘Doctor,’ she said, stepping down. ‘It’s done. I will carry the burden. I will be the balance. I will be the priestess of this temple, the one who keeps the Atlas safe.’

‘Yaz, no! You’ll never be able to leave again, not until someone new takes on the burden!’

‘That’s okay. It’s just like being you, isn’t it? Keeping the world intact, sorting out fair play, no matter how lonely it gets?’

‘I... I can’t let you do this.’

‘Come on, Doctor,’ she said, taking her hand. ‘Let’s see what comes of it, yeah?’

Yaz stepped forward, confidently, past Ryan and Graham, who joined the fray, watching as one by one, the companions overpowered their old enemies, drawing upon their past experiences. Madame Kovarian found herself at Amy, Rory, and River’s mercy; Ryan and Graham watched as Tzim-Sha, the Dregs, and the Spy Master were sent away to the realm of the Kasaavin; Missy freed the Twelfth Doctor, and along with Clara, Bill, and Nardole, set the Daleks to implode on themselves. Rose, Martha, and Donna reactivated the Cybermen’s emotional inhibitors, while Jack and the Space Gays took down the Sontarans, and the friendly Daleks exterminated the Weeping Angels and Silence.

‘Balance restored,’ Yaz said, looking in the distance as the Fourteenth Doctor nodded.

They went back to the chamber, and the Doctor began to pace furiously, Yaz watching her from upon the platform of the Atlas.

‘It’s not over yet. It can’t be. I am not losing you, not now.’

‘Doctor. I accepted it, a long time ago, before I even knew that this day would come.’

‘We’ve got so many intelligent people here, we’ll figure something out, I know I will...’

‘And if you can’t?’

‘Then... I’ll stop travelling. Live here. With you and River.’

‘You’d do that for me?’

‘I love you, Yasmin Khan.’

‘And what are you going to tell my family?’

‘That... you chose to leave. That you’re out there. That you fought for love, for hope, with witness, without reward. That you’re as strong as you’ve always been, that you are doing what you do best.  _ Being _ Yaz Khan.  _ Being  _ a protector, no matter how hard it is.’

Tears sparkled in Yaz’s eyes. ‘It makes sense now, what the Doctor – the other you, the future you, I mean – said, back on Spokania, in the timeline that never was. About this being it, here, in the Crypt. Because, Doctor – you’re going to see me again, and we’re going to have more adventures, and when it’s done for you, you’ll still be able to come back here to me.’

‘How do I know that?’ the Doctor asked, her voice breaking.

‘Because I was there,’ Yaz said. ‘You’ll be sad. I know, and I’m sorry. But the look in his eyes when he talked about the boy he was with... Doctor. Life has its pains. Its sufferings. But we always move on. We always find new homes, new things to bring us joy, new... new loves. And I know it’s in your future, because my past is your prologue. It’s only beginning for you, Doctor.’

‘Tell me you love me, Yaz. One more time. Please. Indulge a selfish old woman.’

Yaz nodded and held her close to her chest, stroking her hair gently, singing a haunting melody that ran through a river of memory.

* * *

‘Where’s Yaz?’ Graham asked as the Doctor left the Crypt, dejected.

‘She’s decided to carry the burden of the Atlas,’ she said darkly. ‘Well, then, fa –  _ gang _ . Another planet then, yeah?’

‘About that, Doctor,’ Ryan said. ‘We saw all of those people on the streets and – we can’t – we can’t leave them, Doctor. We have to help them. We saw all of your old friends, and now that they’re back in your life – don’t be alone, Doctor. But also, move on. Just like they did. Just like we’re doing now.’

‘So this is it, then,’ the Doctor said. ‘No more of the four of us in the TARDIS.’

‘No more,’ Graham said. ‘Until later.’

River gently nudged the Doctor. ‘Sweetie, the TARDIS is ready to take everyone back to Earth.’

‘Well, this is it, then,’ Graham said, trying to muster a smile.

‘Suppose it is, then,’ the Doctor said coldly, before shaking her head. ‘No, no. Musn’t be cruel. Must make amends. Sorry. Um – take this.’

The Doctor fumbled through her pockets and gave them each a wallet of psychic paper.

‘We can’t.’

‘No. Take them. I usually buy mine off of Kerblam and then tinker with it. I want you to keep them. Use them well.’

‘We will. Promise, Doctor.’

‘Well. Goodbye, then... fam. Fam forever?’

‘Fam forever.’

The Doctor smiled sadly at them before turning away, linking arms with River as they made their way to the police box.

‘Travel with me? You and the Space Gays?’

‘Always, my love. But not forever. Two psychopaths is enough for one TARDIS.’

The TARDIS doors opened and Captain Jack Harkness ran out, stopping in front of River and the Doctor.

‘Been thinking, River,’ Jack said. ‘As much as I love the Space Gays, I think I need to do something a bit different. You know?’

‘Where are you going with this?’

‘I’m going to go with Ryan and Graham. Help out here. Torchwood reborn, travelling the stars. I want you to be the new captain of the Space Gays.’

‘Oh, Jack. There’s no leaving the Space Gays. Besides. You can’t give me a title I already have.’

Jack laughed good-heartedly. ‘Until next time, Pond.’

‘Bye-bye for now, Harkness.’

He then turned to the Doctor, saluting her. ‘Doc – Doctor.’

‘Oh, alright, one time,’ the Doctor said.

Jack hugged her tightly. ‘Be safe out there, Doc.’

‘What do you take me for, some kind of irresponsible traveller who stole a TARDIS just to saunter around the universe?’

‘Never change, Doc. The universe is great, but it wouldn’t be as great without you.’

And with that, Jack ran to catch up with Ryan and Graham, and the Doctor and River proceeded to the TARDIS to reunite with the rest of their new/old fam.

* * *

**Fam**

**< Doctor13 added 10+ members to the chat.>**

**< Doctor13 changed the chatroom name to ** **_Fam forever_ ** **. >**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. When I sat down to write the first chapter of this fic, I didn’t expect it to get the reception that it has – and for that, I thank each and every one of you. I know that updates have been infrequent, but that’s just the way life is. If reading this and realising it was ending made you sad, don’t be sad – because this is Doctor Who and everything gets better afterwards.
> 
> That said, this fic is done – but you’ll notice that it’s now part of a new series titled The Fam Group Chat Saga, which only has this fic in it. Yes, that’s implying that there is a sequel. Yes, there will be a sequel. It is also crack with plot.
> 
> Get ready, because Fam Forever (the group chat) is coming soon!
> 
> P.S: Yes, I know that the chatroom is called Fam in the group chats set in the future. Maybe I’ll explain it, but I probably won’t. This is the Fam Group Chat, we laugh at plot coherency here x

**Author's Note:**

> i has plot plan but idek if im following it lol

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Chats on Blitter.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28486605) by [EmilyJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyJ/pseuds/EmilyJ)
  * [Doctor Who Groupchat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28855821) by [HamilWhoTangled](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamilWhoTangled/pseuds/HamilWhoTangled)




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